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Guitbowl's Home Page Updated August 10, 1999
I JUST GOT OFF THE PHONE TALKING TO MY BMOM!!!!! LOOKS LIKE A REUNION PAGE IS IN ORDER-It is up and running-see link below........Sandra

I started this page a while back (January) and it has grown some over the Months. So much so that I will have to start a page two of just this page. I hope you enjoy this and hope that it will help you in some way.

My birth name is Martha Colleen Woods. I was born in Merced, California on March 23, 1952. The name I grew up with was Sandra Leona Watkins.The reason I grew up with that that name is because my mother either couldn't or didn't take care of me. So she gave me away. I don't think I am bitter, even though I feel that things could have been done better. I often wonder what my life would have been like if my birthmother would have raised me. I have heard a lot of adoptees get caught up in the "what if's." The number one problem with that is one could lose sight of what is. This is not to say that non-adoptees don't go through this, but adoptees sometimes dream about what their real parents were like. If the adoptive parents are abusive, this happens even more and can lead to problems that never go away. A good name for this would be the "Ken and Barbie syndrome." If you look at at my profile, it will say that I don't exist. I get a lot of people asking me what that means. To me, it means that I have a name that I have never used and a name that I have used but didn't really have a legal beginning. For those that know about adoption issues, the term that classifies me is a black-market adoption-even though I have more information that most adoptees have. This infomation hasn't lead to much because my birth-mother didn't leave much info to follow. Her name is Dorothy Mae Woods. She left a very cold trail to follow: she was 18 when she gave birth to me, my birth father refused to sign my birth certificate and she wrote that she was born in California, but I haven't been able to find anyone by that name being born in California at the right time yet. Someone wrote me asking how did I know I had a "Black Market adoption". This was my answer: I use that term because there was no legal paperwork done on me. For regular adoptions, there is a legal file that the adoptee can get with the necessary information included to help them find their bparents and/or other members of their birth family (it is the non-id info). I don't have that. Everything that I know was told to me as a child growing up. There may be another term for it, but this is the only one I know right now to use.
Jan. 25, 1999-I got my birth certificate from the State of California today. I was glad to get it if for no other reason than it had my bmom's signature on it. On the other hand, it made me sad because I am no closer to finding her than before. All I can do is look at it and wonder who is this person, where is she now and where are the members of my family that I know about? It almost makes me wish I had never started this because of the emotional pain involved. On my bparents webpage there is a letter that will you cry just reading about the pain that woman went through. Right now I can relate to that pain, only from this adoptees point of view...I realize that my bmom was young when she had me and I think I can come to grips why she gave me up. The thing that hurts is the way she did. I realize that what I know was told to me and I should probably take it with a grain of salt, but I feel that it was the truth. I think that if I had been legally adopted, it would have been a closed case. Instead, I have names (some I can't remember) of people that I will probably never know that are members of my family. I realize I should be glad I have the info I do because it is more than a lot of adoptees have. I feel though that I have nothing at all. This may seem like I am complaining-maybe I am but this is how I am feeling right now and this is a good place to express myself.
March 24, 1999
Yesterday was my birthday. For the most part it was ok, at least it was until I started to think about what my real family was doing...I talked to a cyberfriend of mine and realized that there are a lot of feelings that are buried..the only problem with feelings and emotions that get buried is that they come back to life at times...For those that are searching, I think you know the feeling well-it is that feeling that you will never find who you are looking for....then the feeling sorry for yourself sets in and the anger comes and you want to go escape...and so it goes.......
July 29, 1999
This past weekend I decided to put an ad in the paper in the city I was born in. I got a response, but it was another brick wall. Needless to say, I am disappointed and tired of searching for ghosts and trying to find out what the truth is. It is times like this when I wish I had never started searching. And the trail grows even colder......

My other webpages:

  • Guitbowl's Reunion Page
  • Birth Parent Page 2
  • Birth Parent 3
  • The Adoptees View of Things
  • Reunion page
  • Reunion Page 2
  • Adoption Links page
  • Guitbowl's Links Page 3
  • Stories and poems from my friends
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    This BLACK MARKET ADOPTION WEBRINGsite
    owned by --Sandra Sanders--.
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