GO TO HELL !

I'm titling this trip GO TO HELL !. The reason being--this trip took me to a place called Hell's Bay. Or I could title it I DON'T NEED NO STINKIN' CHECKLIST or WHY PEOPLE WHO DON'T CARE ABOUT THEIR CUSTOMERS DON'T NEED TO BE IN THE PEOPLE BUSINESS or I GAVE BLOOD IN THE EVERGLADES.

It's Memorial Day Weekend and I'm off on Monday. I decided just a few days earlier to explore another area of the humongeous Everglades National Park. I'm concentrating on Hell's Bay. There is a canoe/kayak put in that is located about 9 miles north of Flamingo directly on the west side of Ingraham Highway (the main road that cuts through ENP).

The weather report initially called for thunderstorms, however a day before the trip the weather changed to partly cloudy. Getting prepared for this trip was a sort of haphazard affair. I had videotaped a late job on Saturday and I was very tired the next day. I neglected to organize all of my camping gear, assuming that everything would naturally be in their proper place. I then threw all of my gear into the back of the ol' Buick and at around 1 P.M. I was on the road. This lack of preparation would bite me in the buttocks a little later.

I arrived at the Flamingo Ranger Station and obtained a back country permit to Pearl Bay Chickee. I talked with the Ranger on duty and he told me that there's nobody out there, so peace and serenity would be assured. I then made my way to the Flamingo concessions. A pleasant gal from Pennsylvania was working the at the window and I wanted to deal with her and not with the arrogant older woman who works there (see Carl Ross Trip). This is where the fun began.

I told her that I wanted to rent a kayak and that I was going to Hell's Bay. I told her that I would simply put it on the roof of my car, transport it myself, and bring it back in 24 hours. The Boss Lady chimed in and told me that these kayaks cannot be transported on customers cars. I asked her why. She responded, "Because we don't own them. Only canoes can be transported on customers cars and even then, there is a $10.00 surcharge." The young gal from PA said that "we can transport canoes to the put in, however that's only at 9 A.M. and 1:30 P.M." She quipped "you really need to buy a kayak." I said, "I know!" She added, "that way you can skip all this bullshit!"

I commended her on her eloquent use of the English language. At this point I asked "why are there all of these extra charges? You people really need to make this experience as easy as possible on your customers." There was no response.

I told them both, "forget this transaction...just refund me my charge." Boss Lady quickly added, "OK we'll transport the kayak with our van." I clarified that I wasn't going to be charged 20 bucks. They charged me 10, loaded the kayak on their van, and I was off. That's the reasoning for the title WHY PEOPLE WHO DON'T CARE ABOUT THEIR CUSTOMERS DON'T NEED TO BE IN THE PEOPLE BUSINESS.

At the put in, I quickly had to load all of my gear into the dry holds only for one reason--the flies and mosquitoes were voraciously having lunch. And I was the lunch. I escaped to the relative safety of a long covered mangrove tunnel. I quickly found that the trail was making sharp left and right serpentine bends. My paddle kept coming in contact with the overhanging mangroves. "This is fun!" I reminded myself.

The trail had white plastic tubing markers that designated the bends in the course. It was difficult to get lost. After about a mile the trail widened out and I was able to navigate with a lot less effort. I spotted a four foot black tipped shark skimming around in one of the ponds. I tried to get a shot of it, however by the time that my camera was out, the shark went underwater.

Exactly 4.75 miles from the put in I was at Pearl Bay Chickee (Longitude: -80 51' 22.35839''/Latitude: 25 15' 34.33115''). A chickee is a suspended wood platform typically built about twenty feet off of the mangroves. The fine people at the National Park Service build and maintain these chickees. Some of them have a toilet. This particular one did. Even though it's a simple structure it was a wonderful sight to see (mainly because rain clouds were brewing in the west).

What I found most interesting was that this chickee had a handicap accessible sign on it! Equal rights for one and all I suppose. I pulled the kayak up on the platform, unloaded my gear, set up my tent, then realized that I forgot my Therm-A-Rest mattress! I knew exactly where it was too (in the trunk of my car). It was gonna be kind of stiff sleeping on the platform tonight.

Upon further inspection of my gear, I discovered that I didn't have my Petzl headlamp (a nifty little powerful LED light that straps to my head, allowing me hands free use), nor my brand new Gerber knife (that thing could cut your head off--quite handy if you get into one on one combat with an alligator), nor matches or a lighter, which meant that the meals that I brought would have to be eaten cold. Oh boy! Camping is fun!

Outdoorsmen and women are known for their resourcefulness, so I figured that I would just need two metal objects that could be struck together to make a spark. I would then be able to light the butane stove and be able to cook like a manly man. After finding items that were either plastic or stainless steel I was accepting the fact that dinner (and breakfast) would be served cold. Not a big deal and certainly not life threatening.

At around 9 P.M. I was tired and so I crashed to the confines of my tent. I was listening to rock and roll on my portable Walkman receiver for a little bit when the a full moon arose over Pearl Bay. It was bright and beautiful. I whipped out my digital video camera and started to shoot. A really unique reflection pattern was shining on the water. I concentrated on capturing the details on my camera. I shot a few seconds slightly out of focus. Maybe I can use it on a future video project.

I broke out a book on my latest preoccupation--Star Gazing. It was kind of cloudy out, but I was able to make out quite clearly in the western sky the 6th brightest star Capella in the constellation Auriga (the Charioteer). It hovered directly over the low horizon. It was so bright, that I was actually able to capture it on video.

I was back into my tent once again to sleep for good this time. A few mosquitoes snuck in so I was forced to close both screens. This enabled a family of the pesky critters to have a Pat Snack throughout the evening. Mosquitoes are unique in that they don't know when they've had enough. When they engorge themselves, they are barely able to fly and this is when I'm able to squish them like the bugs that that they are. This routine I followed quite regularly through the evening.

Around 4 A.M. the wind picked up from the east and I could hear it clearly grow in intensity. Soon behind it the rains came. A gentle rainstorm splashed down on my protected chickee. I broke out my camera to capture the sounds of the rain dropping on Pearl Bay. Soon after I nodded off, not to wake again till midmorning.

Blue sunny skies welcomed me for Memorial Day. I spent the morning slowly poking around, packing up my gear, preparing cold Ramen noodles and a pudding snack for breakfast, and videotaping the surrounding mangroves in the morning light. At 10 A.M. I was in my kayak ready to go. Since I had 5 � hours before returning the kayak, I decided to look for Hell's Bay Chickee. It's located directly southwest at Longitude: -80 52' 42.00''/Latitude: 25 15' 22.00''.

I had read reports that it's extremely difficult to find, so I allotted about an hour and a half of exploration time. I was tooling around a large bay (which I presumed to be Hell's Bay, but found out later that it wasn't). I set my GOTO function on my Garmin E-Trex GPS to the Hell's Bay Chickee. On the first attempt, I followed the reading precisely however it lead to a dead end with no chickee. I figured that the chickee was on the opposite side of the mangroves, so I went far east then far west to find an entrance. Finally I found an entrance to a back bay. However, this lead to a string of mangrove islands with no chickee. I concluded that my chart was either inadequate, I was reading it wrong, and/or I had a false GPS waypoint for Hell's Bay Chickee. I'd investigate it when I got home. By the time that I returned to the vicinity of Pearl Bay, I had already traveled 5 miles.

I headed back the way I came. What I found interesting was that during the previous 24 hours I saw not ONE SINGLE PERSON! Since I'm totally not into crowds or beer swilling hucksters this is the ideal place for me. The Florida Everglades are truly a hidden treasure. So between you and me, let's keep it that way ok?

Back in the mangrove trail, I surprised a couple of large wading birds. Soon I was navigating the twisty curvy mangrove tunnel. It was hot out and I was getting irritated. I had to stop and realize that I was a guest of this area and that I was the one who had to conform to the environment and not the other way around.

At about 1:30 I was back at the put in. I loaded up my gear into the Buick then drove back to Flamingo to return my vest, pump, and paddle. It was busy back at Flamingo with lots of people coming and going. Another safe, successful trip into the outdoors. And quite a learning experience for myself. Next trip, I'm going to find Hell's Bay Chickee. Videopat Welsh, Ft. Lauderdale, FL. E-mail: PWelsh28@aol.com