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Arlaine Rockey's
Free Family Law Advice Page
Your Questions Answered Here (Disclaimer)
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Q Please tell me what to do about my husband. We have been separated but are not yet divorced. He left me for another woman. We don’t have any separation agreement or custody case yet. He hasn’t been around for four months but now he wants visitation. Should I let him see our daughter? She’s only eight, and she misses her daddy.
…Disgusted
Dear Disgusted … I understand you are upset at him. I think you should talk to an attorney about getting your husband to sign a Consent Order settling all the legal matters between you and your husband. If he wants visitation at this time, it sounds like he might be ready to deal. However, you must keep in mind that you want to be reasonable in allowing the other parent access to your child. You should talk to your attorney about whether to let him have visits before you have an agreement in writing or a court order. For example, you might at a minimum consider supervised visits and telephone contact until the agreement is signed.
Q I think my boyfriend might be sexually abusing my four year old daughter. What do I do?
… Scared
Dear Scared … The first thing you need to do is to call your local department of social services and report this suspected child abuse. They will start an investigation. The second thing you need to do is get rid of your boyfriend!!! You have a simple choice to make: your daughter or him. If you don’t get rid of him, you might end up losing her to foster care. You also should take her to your local emergency room if she is currently showing signs of sexual abuse (for example: redness, irritation, discharge, or bleeding in her vaginal or anal areas). Tell them what you suspect and why. The doctors will examine her and will perhaps take evidence and do tests on her for sexually transmitted diseases. I also suggest that you start writing down in a journal what brought this suspicion to your attention, what your daughter said or did that made you think she was being abused. Keep notes of everything you are doing to help her, everything people tell you, and anything else your daughter says or does regarding this issue. If you can’t get your boyfriend to stay away from you or her, you may want to contact your local Battered Women’s Shelter, Legal Services or Victim’s Assistance office about getting a domestic violence protection order (also called a TRO or restraining order) to keep him away. Some states will grant these when there has been physical or sexual abuse of a child. Since these cases are complicated, you will probably need an attorney. Legal Services (Legal Aid) has free attorneys who might be able to help or to find you a volunteer attorney. A note for the future, if your daughter starts sexually acting out (for example, trying to perform sexual acts with toys or other children), you should consult a child therapist with experience dealing with children who have been sexually abused. You will need help to teach your child about “boundaries” while not shaming her for her sexual behaviors. It is not her fault, and some children, who have been abused this way, act out sexually. It is also not uncommon for these children to have behavior problems. You need to get some support for yourself. It is quite stressful to deal with this if it really has happened. It is also stressful not to know if it really happened. If there is no physical evidence, it is very difficult for the police, social services or anyone else to prove whether or not sexual abuse occurred to a child who is three, four or five years old. They are old enough to talk but often not old enough to distinguish between the reality and fantasy (ie, between the truth and stories). This type of case is extremely frustrating, but there are ways for experienced attorneys to prove that the abuse did occur, even if there is no physical evidence. It’s important to find an attorney who has experience in handling these cases. Also, you need to know that in most states it is a crime to NOT report suspected child abuse. So cover yourself; report it to social services now and find an attorney. Good luck.
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