Aiki-Solutions

They came in and sat across from each other without speaking. The tension in the air was obvious. I introduced myself as a marriage, family, and child counselor. I reminded them they had called me because they were having troubles in their relationship. I asked, as I usually do, how could I be of help tonight? Neither wanted to speak first. A common symptom of people caught up in relationship conflicts. Finally he spoke. He said that he was not sure there was anything I could do to help. They needed a miracle. I watched her face as he spoke. The pain was obvious. Then she became angry. Next, I got a good demonstration of why they had come.

I thanked them for the demonstration. I asked if this approach of fighting had ever worked. They both agreed it never really had. When asked if they thought it had any chance of working in the future, again they agreed it probably never would. Perhaps these two agreements could be a beginning.

I began to explain to them that I studied Aikido, a nonviolent martial arts. They were both curious why I was telling them this. As long as I had their attention, I thought I would teach them something about conflict resolution and accepting personal responsibility.

Aikido never meets force with force. In fact, there are no direct attacks, no striking, or kicking. I pointed out that in their demonstration they each attacked the other. The more one attacked the more the other equally reacted. They each played their part in escalating the conflict. Therefore, they both were responsible for what had happened. They each wanted to blame the other. In their minds, the other had attacked first. They felt totally justified in reacting with a defensive counter attack. It never occurred to them not to attack back. (I had not either, before studying Aikido. Now I know there are other ways that are not passive or running away.) They were beginning to become even more curious. Surprisingly, as they entertained the idea of responding differently, they became calmer and more positive.

One of the first moves I learned in Aikido was to enter and blend with my attacker. It looks as if you move towards your opponent and then change places with them. I asked the couple just to listen for a few minutes to what the other person was saying. They were not to interrupt the other’s momentum. They listened to each other, perhaps for the first time. I pointed out that anger is usually a response to being hurt. I asked them each to listen for the hurt underneath the anger. As they listened, they became more aware of the effects their behavior had on each other. Next, I asked them to change seats and play the part of the other person. They presented the other’s hurts. It was interesting to watch the awareness increase as they each heard the other tell their story. When they were into their anger, they only pushed each other away. Now, as they changed places and became aware of the other’s hurts, they became quieter. Seeing conflict from the other’s point of view increases awareness.

In Aikido, once you enter and blend with your opponent, you can redirect the attack. In couples counseling, that redirection often begins with the awareness of the hurt beneath the anger. I then ask them what they really wanted from each other. What do we all want from each other? Why did we originally become a couple? Why did we enter the relationship? Okay, gentle reader, repeat after me, “love”. What this couple wanted was love. They each had come to believe that through the attacks they had fallen out of love with each other. The attacks only pushed each other further and further away from what they wanted. By redirecting their awareness towards what they wanted (love) they became more positive. I mentioned they must have been really in love to have this much hurt if they thought they were losing it. They both agreed they had been very much in love.

In Aikido, after you have entered, blended, and redirected, you begin to get control of the situation. I asked the couple what were the things they had enjoyed doing that brought them together to begin with. They both smiled and laughed. They told of old memories and the fun that they had just being with each other. It had been a long time since they remembered there had been good times too. I asked what would happen if they started doing some of those things together? They both agreed it would be fun. They each wanted to as well. Ah, another agreement.

I gave them the homework of beginning to do those things that brought them together. I reminded them that they were both each other’s friend. As we practice Aikido, we cooperate, not compete with each other. If someone gets hurt, it is an accident. There is no place for anger or defensive retaliation. I told the couples that if the other person forgets, and out of an old habit, attacks, just remember that they are hurting about something. If they enter and blend with that hurt, they may be able to redirect it towards a positive outcome. And we all know what that positive outcome is, don’t we? Yes, gentle readers, repeat again, “love”.

John has quite a temper. He seems to get mad at the slightest things. No one, including John, is sure why he gets so angry. He often uses his aggression to intimidate other people. In the beginning, he seems to get what he wants, but in the end, he becomes increasingly isolated and lonely. John sits in my office wondering what is wrong.

I begin by telling John a story of an old man. The man had studied many different schools of fighting. As a young man, he had seen his father beaten up and vowed to become strong. He became stronger and stronger, able to defeat all opponents. Yet, something was missing. Winning over others had not brought the peace of mind he thought it would. One day he received a challenge. He refused, but the younger opponent would not take no for an answer. The young man charged and charged again. The old man simply kept moving out of his way without touching him. The young opponent finally gave up in frustration. The old man realized he had found the way to be at peace, by winning over himself. We refer to the old man as O’Sensei, the founder of Aikido, a nonviolent martial art.

What had the old man learned? How had he evaded the younger opponents attack? He learned that to win over another person, one must first win over himself. He had stayed true to his word. He had not fought. He stayed calm and relaxed. The idea intrigues John. Even if someone attacks you, you do not have to attack back. This was a different idea for John. He had always been taught to fight back. He sees it as “standing up for himself” and a good thing. I asked John that if it was such a good thing, how was it he was alone and angry? Maybe striking back does not always work. Maybe there is a better way. John got even more interested.

John slowly became aware that every time things did not go the way he wanted them to he became very tense. I noticed he held his breath just talking about it. I had him begin to breathe slowly and relax as he talked about problem situations. John noticed things did not seem so bad if he did not tense up. I had John visualize going into a problem situation relaxed with slow breathing. John admitted that this helped him feel more in control.

We then began to explore why John felt attacked by others. He took their requests as a personal statement against him. John could see that others were just telling him what they wanted. He began to see it more as a statement about the other person. They were not actually attacks on him. Without feeling attacked, he could simply move out of their way. In fact, he found he could actually help them get what they wanted without giving up anything himself. I told John that in Aikido, we use the momentum of the other person to imbalance and throw them.

In later sessions, John admitted that he was enjoying himself in helping people get to where they were going by not getting in their way. He found that by staying in self-control, controlling others was not so important. By staying centered and balanced, it was easier to see if others really were attacking or just expressing themselves. By staying relaxed and breathing slowly, it was easier to respond, not just react, to the situation.

John was less angry and a lot less lonely. Other people began to enjoy his new attitude. It was hard for him to express how he had not stopped fighting. He had just started to fight smarter and wiser. John realized that not everything required a fight. John knew he may never be exactly like that old man, O’Sensei, who could avoid all attacks, but he could get out of the way of most of them. John had learned a lot about Aikido without ever stepping on the mats.

Johnny got into another fight at school. He sat in the office, again. He just seems to keep getting into trouble. He says he does not know why he keeps getting into fights. He says it is always the other person’s fault. He really does not have a choice. If he were to back down he would be laughed at and get no respect. He does not think anyone understands. If they did, they would agree with him. What was he to do? What was the school or his parents to do? They were all lucky; the answer was on its way.

That afternoon the school had scheduled a unique presentation on nonviolent conflict resolution. It was not the usual assembly. The presenters walked in wearing martial art uniforms. They opened by attacking each other. Instead of striking back, the defender would simply move aside and let the attacker’s own momentum carry them. It seemed effortless and too good to be true. However, it certainly got the children's attention, especially Johnny’s.

The presenters represented an Aikido school. They dedicate themselves to nonviolent conflict resolution and promoting personal and social responsibility. Aikido is a nonviolent noncompetitive martial art containing no direct hitting or kicking. It literally means “the way of harmonizing energy” but many refer to it as “the way of peace.”

The presenter talked about violence being the last option. He further explained that violence is usually an expression of anger. Anger is a protective reaction to being hurt. After all, if it does not hurt we tend not to get angry. He further explained that the hurt comes from taking what other people say or do far too personally. If they like us or not, it’s actually about them, not us. Another source of anger is fear. He explained fear as believing a fantasized experience to be real. Violence, instead of being an act of strength, is really an act of weakness.

The presenters began to demonstrate the power of the mind. First they showed how negative thinking and lies make the body weaker and that the truth and positive thoughts make one strong. They further demonstrated this by showing how by using the mind the arm could become unbendable. John began to understand that mental discipline was as important as physical discipline. The emphasis seemed to be on staying balanced and centered. Controlling yourself is more important than controlling others. It is also easier.

Next came the chalkboard. The presenters drew three figures on it, a triangle, a square, and a circle. They said they were going to demonstrate our response options. They divided the word, “responsible” into “response” and “able”. They suggested that the ability to respond gave you options that simply reacting did not. The first response option was the fight option. They took two triangles and ran the points into each other. The students all stood up and walked into each other. This was familiar to Johnny. The second option was the flight reaction. Both triangles pointed the same direction with the one chasing the other. The third response was to freeze. The triangle just ran into the square. The students all practiced these options too. The fourth option was the flow response. As the triangle came towards the circle, the circle just rolled up its side and continued on its way. The students all practiced this simple circular movement to avoid the oncoming attack. This is the basic footwork for Aikido.

To demonstrate the flow response more dramatically, the presentation team began attacking each other. The individual in the center just kept spinning out of the way. He did not even block or touch the oncoming attackers. The faster they attacked him, the easier it was to get out of the way.

The presenter asked us what we all wanted in life. Johnny remembered he wanted respect. They asked how he went about getting it. He said he got angry and got into fights. Did that get him respect? they asked. No, it only got him into trouble and laughed at. Therefore, it did not work. When asked further, Johnny was able to see that he wanted respect so that people would like him and so that he would feel like he belonged. They asked him which response, the triangle, square, or circle would best get him what he really wanted. Johnny admitted the circle would work by far better. He had a smile on his face. So did the presenters, the teachers, and many of his fellow students.

The presenters finished the assembly with a demonstration of more Aikido moves. Though it was similar to the one demonstrated in the beginning, the audience began to understand why it worked and how the same principles could be used to solved everyday problems. The students became more “response-able” and were learning to resolve their conflicts without using violence.

Like does not heal like; it perpetuates it. Force does not end force; it only continues the use of force. Violence will never end violence; it will only kill more people. Einstein also said, "We can never humanize war, only abolish it." Einstein was not only one of the most brilliant thinkers of the 20th Century, but obviously one of the wisest.

We have a choice in how we think and respond. We can choose from four different responses. Unfortunately, when faced with a threatening, potentially violent situation, we usually choose one of the two traditionally opposite responses. We can fight or we can take flight.

One can choose to fight, meet force with force. The temporary win only postpones an equally or more aggressive counter-response, more force. Besides, force is born from fear. The fear of there not being enough to go around. The fear of not being good enough. The fear that someone else will hurt me, so I will strike first.

The second response is to take flight. Unfortunately, this choice reinforces that people can get their way through violence. Flight reinforces that violence works. We are left with only more violence. Taking flight is born of fear also. The same fear that turns into a fight can turn into a flight.

There is a lesser known, but widely used third response. It is the choice to freeze. When faced with a threatening potentially violent situation, just freeze. Do not move or respond. Many believe that this is a type of passive, nonviolent response. However, it is passive-aggressive resistance usually born out of fear. It too allows the violence to continue without interference, thus reinforcing it.

Therefore, fighting does not work. Taking flight does not work. Freezing does not work. In many ways, these responses do not work because they are born of the same type of thinking that created the violence to begin with. They are born from fear. Violence is a fear-based emotion. Is there a choice, not based on fear, which does work?

The fourth alternative is to flow. To flow means to move along and to proceed continuously from a source. The flow, conceptually, has three stages. These stages can, and do, apply to any form of conflict, be it physical, verbal or emotional. The flow is, in essence, a nonviolent conflict resolution model.

The first stage is entering and blending. To enter is to go into, or become involved. Entering is not a passive process but a very active one. Entering moves towards the source of the conflict.owever, entering is not moving violently or coming from that place of fear. Entering is to blend. To blend is to mix smoothly, to fit, to relate harmoniously, to become inseparable. Too often, we try to solve a problem by staying away from it. By not participating directly, we can never understand it and so never solve it. Violence comes from the fear that separates them from us. We will not solve the violence by keeping the separation but by entering, blending and becoming inseparably involved. Since we cannot only solve our own problems, it is important for each of us, as people, as a community, as a country, and as a world, to accept that violence is a problem we all suffer from. Let us choose to enter and blend peaceably, without fear.

The second stage is to redirect and imbalance. To redirect is to change the direction or focus. When we see through the violence to the fear beneath, we can begin to redirect the focus. We can begin to address the fear and pain. This change of focus will create imbalance. Imbalance is to lose mental and physical equilibrium or steadiness. Violence is wrongly thought of as strength. Some even think it as another part of our human nature. Because not all humans are violent, the genetic, biological, or cultural causes of violence lose some validity. Violence becomes unbalanced when seen for the fear and weakness it is. The redirection of the focus allows us to choose a path of healing. Let us choose to redirect and imbalance violence peaceably, without fear.

The third stage is to control and finish. To control is the ability to hold in check, to be in charge and to prevent. To choose to take charge violently, no matter which side we are on, only reinforces the fear. History has proven that control through violence never lasts long. To finish means to bring to an end, to complete a task. Let us choose to take control and be finished with violence peaceably, without fear.

I don’t always want to go. In fact, sometimes it takes a lot of effort to go early in the morning. I know I’ll feel better if I go, after I go, but, I don’t always want to. It’s too early. It’s too cold. I’m too old for this kind of stuff. I could get hurt. Yet, I’m going to go. I always do. It’s a spiritual experience.

I study Aikido, a Japanese style of martial arts based on blending with an opponent, turning his energy against himself and controlling him through throws, take downs and joint locks. I have been in martial arts a long time. These styles they let me hit or kick back. But not in Aikido. It is a way of peace. It is considered a spiritual art and I know why. It’s a spiritual art because it takes discipline, patience and humility.

Discipline comes from the word “disciple”, it means to follow. The dictionary defines it as training that develops self-control and efficiency. Usually for someone to be self-disciplined someone else originally disciplined them first. That is the usual way of learning, from the outside first, then from the inside. Discipline means to keep practicing until the movement becomes natural. This is not easy. There are no secrets or shortcuts, there is only practice and more practice. By making one’s self repeat a task many times we learn to focus on mind and body. We learned to talk ourselves into what must be done. Whether we want to or not doesn’t even enter the picture. We follow the teacher’s example. There is a right way and a wrong way. The right way works. The wrong way doesn’t. Discipline in life is knowing what the right thing is and doing it, no matter what. Be aware, the right thing is not always the popular thing, but it’s always the right thing.

Patience is needed to learn any new skill. We often resist change and tend to return to old habits and patterns of moving and behaving. It takes time to incorporate new changes in our lives. Patience is defined as the quality of remaining calm and enduring pain, troubles, delays and confusions. Patience is only a matter of time. When I show up for my morning Aikido practice I know that at least I am there. Over time, if I keep showing up, the techniques will become easier and easier for me. My endurance will improve. My ability to blend with my opponent’s energy becomes smoother. Aikido is one of the hardest martial arts to learn because it usually takes more time to learn than other styles. Perhaps it takes longer because we develop new ways of looking at and responding to being attacked. We do not meet force with force. Though it is a form of martial arts, and leads to great qualities as a warrior, Aikido is a way of peace. Peace takes patience. What a better life and world we would have if we stayed aware that change takes time and learned to be more patient with ourselves and others.

Humility is the state or quality of accepting one’s own shortcomings. It is to be modest about ones standing or position. People who know all the answers always impress me when I never received a list of all the questions. I have always sought out teachers more skilled then myself, because they could teach me. Before I could open to learn, I first had to empty. This was simply done by humiliating me with my limited skills. My Sensei (teacher) has no problem blending with my attack, throwing me to the mats and pinning me with two fingers. This is very humbling. And humility is what I need. Humility helps me to be aware of the limits of what I know and realize there is much more to learn. This is a valuable lesson in life..

Yes, it’s early morning and I don’t want to get up. I don’t want to take falls against a cold mat. I don’t want to sweat for an hour and a half. I’m too old for this stuff. Yet, there I stand. It’s a spiritual experience. It teaches me discipline, patience and humility. For that I am grateful and will keep showing up and staying aware of the lessons.

This column honors all those worthy of being honored. Those of you who are honest know who you are. We are in awe of people who walk into a room and radiate a sense of honor. There is a military slogan, “Death before dishonor.” Honor is important. What is it and how do we get it? There are award shows that honor people for different reasons. We have Mother’s and Father’s day to honor our parents. I hope you all send cards, call and spend time with your parents

Honor has several meanings. It is defined as a high regard or respect as in glory or fame. Honor can mean an adherence to principles that are considered right such as honesty, fairness, integrity, bravery and courage. Honor can also be a title given to a high-ranking official such as a judge.

“Honor is a way of life,” said Shakespeare, in Richard II. “Mine honor is my life; both grow as one; Take honor from me, and my life is done.” To build a life worthy of honor you must lead an honorable life. Honor is not something asked for or given because of the role one plays. Honor can never be taken from you and you can never force another to honor you. What we can do is live an honorable life that others will find worthy of to freely give honor.

Honor is the acceptance of our obligations. We have an obligation, a duty, to repay all debts and return all favors. By accepting the role of father or mother, boss or employee, teacher or student, or husband or wife, we have the obligation to fulfill our role to the best of our ability. We give each other our all.

There is no honor in cheating, lying, or stealing. Honor is living a life of justice. Honor is doing the right thing even if it isn’t popular and is the hardest alternative available. Justice and honor means no matter what the circumstance or excuse, to always do the right thing. Because others do not live by a code of justice doesn’t give us permission to also take the easy way. Honor is not always easy, but it is always just and right. There is no honor in many of the ways people do things to feel better about themselves. A false code of justice and honor only leads to random violence, addiction, and deceit.

To do the right thing in the face of unpleasant consequences takes courage. Courage is facing our fears and doing the right thing. There is no courage in doing what we are not afraid of. Courage always implies facing our fears and not letting them stop us. It takes more courage to love and forgive than to hate and retaliate. It takes courage to face the world clean and sober. It takes courage to change. It takes courage to ask for help and to give it compassionately. It takes courage to realize that doing the right thing doesn’t mean you are always right. It takes courage to admit we were wrong and to say we are sorry.

To live an honorable life means you must put your honor into action. An honorable life means to be truthful in all of your dealings. It means to be courteous to each other no matter what the life situation. It means to exercise restraint over your emotions and reaction so you don’t abuse or exploit each other through power and control. Honor is about being loyal to all those you have made an obligation to. This includes your mate and children, your employer and coworkers, your community and your planet. By honoring them through your loyalty they will honor and be loyal to you. Yes, what we give is what we receive. What goes around comes come around. Honor is to always be of service to each other. John F. Kennedy once said, “Ask not what your country can do for you, but what you can do for your country.” True honor does not come from how many people serve you, but how many and how well you serve them. Honor comes from letting go of self-centered egotistical thoughts and giving.

This column honors all those who live their lives worthy of honor. I hope this column has been of some small service in helping you define honor as a way of life governed by a code ofaccepting your obligations, justice and courage. Define your code of life to include truthfulness, courtesy, restraint, loyalty and service. Many people quietly live by these codes. I hope you will too. Remember, the secret of being honored is to life an honorable life.

John is a competitive power lifter. A lift injured him two years ago. Although he is back in shape physically, he still has some fears. These fears hold him back from being successful. Like many athletes, professional and recreational, John never involved himself in any mental training programs. Now he had no choice unless he dropped out of doing what he loved. He chose to face his fears. We discussed his fears as a mental and physical reliving of the injury. We also talked about his fears being a way to learn to train safely. His fear now became a positive constructive part of his training and performance success. John became more curious about the benefits of mental training.

One of the first things we discussed was his physical conditioning. Mental training will never replace consistent training. Recreational or professional athletes must take into account their physical conditioning, coordination and competence in their skill. Learn the correct way to do something and practice (over training) until it feels easy and natural. This is physical control over yourself and the game.

To be successful, athletes must learn to center their concentration on the task at hand. Telling yourself to concentrate is one thing. It is another to know how, especially in sports that require a player to shift focus. A soft focus takes in everything happening. A hard focus eliminates outside interference and allows a player to focus only on what is important right then. This is mental control over yourself and the game.

Players need to learn to keep their composure at all times. Emotional players lose to their feelings. Players need to learn to keep their emotions in check. The cool, calm and collected player is usually victorious. This is emotional control over yourself and the game.

Successful players are confident. They expect to make the shot and to win the game. Genuine confidence does not come from just telling yourself so. Genuine confidence comes from being competent at what you do. To be competent, players must believe that they are worth it. Everything in their self-image, self-concept, and self-esteem demonstrate they believe in themselves as successes. This is control over the self-worth and the game.

Successful players commit. They love the game and play for hours just for the fun of playing. They commit to themselves to be the best all round player they can be. They commit to put in the extra hours of practice and receiving instruction. They commit unselfishly to the team. They know it is a team, not individual, win or lose. They commit to the game they are playing right now. They do whatever they can to insure their team a win. They commit to the team game plan, not the opponent's. They commit to being positive representatives of the sport. This is controlling the energy of commitment.

Successful players are both competitive and cooperative. They give the best they can and they intend to win. They know the opponent will do the same. They know that competitive cooperation means to play within the rules. Their opponents cooperate by giving their best to bring out the best in you. In the end, no matter who wins or loses, you respect each other. This is control of commitment to yourself and the game.

Communication is an important idea. It means the giving and receiving of information. For success, a player must be able to give and receive communication from the coach. A successful player is coach-able. Many careers have ended far short of their potential because a player was not coach-able. A coach must earn their players respect by being a consistent positive role model and effective communicator. The successful player communicates the game plan to the rest of the team. It becomes a unifying focus of every player. A team sport requires a team effort to win or lose. Communication control can make the difference.

How do we learn? There are many theories about how one learns something. Sometimes an experience is so intense that we learned it the first time. Usually, that is not the case. Usually it takes time to learn. If we are aware of the stages of learning, we can speed up the process. I personally like the four stages of learning model. We tend to go from unconscious incompetence to conscious incompetence to conscious competence to unconscious competence. What does that mean? How can we apply it to learning awareness?

The first stage, unconscious incompetence, means it doesn’t work but your don’t know it. Personally, we are all aware of people who consistently fail. Unfortunately, they are unaware of themselves. Perhaps they are watching us with the same observation, wondering when we are going to wake up. One definition of insanity is “doing the same thing repeatedly expecting a different result.” It usually does not work. There is an old saying, “if you keep doing what you have always done, you will get what you always got.” Many of us do not look to see if what we are doing, works. Two old expressions, “ignorance is bliss” and “what you do not know will not hurt you”, are not true. Being unconsciously incompetent means we will never know that what we are doing does not work. There is no awareness. Even if we are not aware of it, others are. Perhaps, we could just ask them and instead of being defensive, listen to what they say. It just may be true even if we are not aware or conscious of it ourselves.

The second stage, conscious incompetence, means it does not work, but at least you know it. There is another old expression; “the truth will set you free”. Once out of the denial of unconscious incompetence, we are faced with the awareness of what we are doing does not work. Perhaps it never really did. If it never did, and does not now, then it probably never will. So, how much time and effort have we wasted? It is hard to tell. If we spend enough time thinking about it, we can make ourselves very guilty, depressed, or just feel foolish. The first step in recovery is to admit that our lives have become uncontrollable and unmanageable. Many people get stuck here. I have seen many people once they know it does not work, not know what to do next.

So how do we find out what to do? Look around you, become aware of all the resources that you never knew existed. An old rule of thumb is to find someone who has, or can do, what you want. Then ask them how to do it. Then do it. Some people call this modeling or imitation. I am a fan of a shoe’s marketing slogan, “Just Do It.” In this stage, realistic repetition makes the difference. Each of us has our own threshold of how often we need to repeat something before it begins to make sense. If we stop short of that threshold, we never get to claim the new skill. This is the practice stage. Many people resist this stage by thinking it just is not them. At one time, who they are now was not either. Anything we repeat often enough incorporates into our identity. Some say it take twenty-one days to make or break a habit. Some of us do it sooner, some later. Being aware of our conscious competence allows us to begin to achieve results we never knew possible.

The fourth stage, unconscious competence, means it works and it works all by itself. Think back to a time in your life when you did something a certain way that just did not work. Perhaps you used to spell a certain word wrong. Perhaps a kind and loving teacher or parent made you write that word repeatedly. They kept making you do that until you got it right. In addition, you hated them for it. You did not understand why they did that to you. However, ever since than, you have spelled it correctly. Now you know who to thank and why they did that. We are the sum total products of our experiences. What we experience, we believe. What we experience repeatedly, we really believe in. We believe in it enough that we no longer question or have to think about it. That is unconscious competence. We do it and it works without our awareness.

I wonder how long it will take until we became aware that yelling, arguments, intimidation, and violence do not work in the end. I wonder what will happen when we start to practice conscious compassion. I wonder, when we became aware that we all win or we all lose, will we consciously practice mutually beneficial skills? I wonder how long it will take until we became aware of what works and what does not? What will happen when we became even more aware of the inter-dependency we all share with the environment. There is only one way to find out.

Aikido has been a fascination for most of my adult life. I found a class that meets my schedule. I step on the mats for the first time at eight a.m. There is no indication what I will do or face today. Starting over isn't easy. I am ready to start. Again.

I took my first martial arts class thirty years ago. Since then I have studied Judo, Karate, Sil Lum Pai, Wing Chun, Tai Chi Chuan, San Soo, Kali/Escrima, and Jeet Kune Do. I have spent long hours training and sweating, but at forty-four, I started over. Again.

My first lesson is to empty myself before I can take in new teachings. Years of developed habits and patterns, years of punching and kicking have made certain moves natural. I now have to unlearn what took so long to learn. The lessons keep returning. The usefulness of a glass is in its emptiness. I am emptying. Again.

While unlearning what I depend on, the very things that make me secure, I am faced with my own fears. Fear comes from the fantasy of what I believe may happen. In learning a new art I am faced with these fantasies and the fears they produce. Without my usual defenses, I am vulnerable. Learning to roll is my biggest fear. Sometimes I feel I am too old to learn how to throw myself against the ground, something I have tried to avoid. I fear injury more from myself than anything else. Yet I know that is always the case. In emptying, one is faced with their self and their own fears. To face my fears, I have to let them come up. They do, with ease. Again.

Patience is also learned as my new skills are developing. I practice the same technique repeatedly. Learning the basics takes time and patience. I know this mentally, but sometimes wish I would progress faster. Everything takes time and there is no hurry. By showing up for class consistently and repeatedly practicing the basics, even I can see progress in a short period. It is a long journey, which never really ends. I have chosen a new road. Again.

I have also learned, again, to appreciate those who take the time out of their own workouts to help me. I appreciate their patience as they show and tell me the same things over and over again. My mind understands what they are saying, even though my body does not always respond to what I ask of it. In time it will. I am learning to appreciate the subtleties of Aikido. I also appreciate the dedication and patience of those who have been on this journey longer and are sharing it with me.

Aikido can literally be defined as harmony (Ai), spirit (Ki), and the way of (Do). Harmony is an agreement in actions and ideas. In music, harmony is the combination of two or more notes that combined together, compliment each other and sound good together. In Aikido, harmony is the cooperation between the uke (attacker) and the tori (the defender). To a higher degree, harmony is the blending of a martial art and a spiritual art.

As a beginner, the first thing in training that is hard to understand is the cooperation between the uke and the tori. In other martial arts the training emphasizes the resistance and competition between people. In Aikido the uke is told to relax, to go with the technique, to take the fall. Competition becomes replaced by cooperation. Cooperation means giving my partner my best without holding back so that he can learn the technique. Cooperation does not mean a passive compliance, but a very active, alive participation in the process. The uke learns that resistance is what brings pain. The harder one resists with muscular tension, the more pain is experienced. This is more than just a physical truth, it is a psychological truth. It is often the resistance to what is that brings about pain. Harmony is the acceptance of what is without resistance.

As tori, blending became the new standard of harmony. Doing a 180-degree tenkan felt awkward. With time I was able to move through the solo turning without getting dizzy. Blending with my uke, my attacker, made even less sense. The changing of places with my opponent began to focus the momentum of our movement together. It is the initial movement that sets up the cooperation of the technique that will follow. No longer different steps, each blends into another. The technique begins and ends with one continuous motion. Harmony is the letting go of the individual steps and blending into the one movement. Harmony is no longer seeing the uke as separate from the tori. Most interesting is the principle of reducing conflict by changing places with the other person. Life would have more harmony if first we would allow ourselves to look from the other person's perspective, to join with them and develop empathy.

Aikido is a warrior's path in harmony with spirituality. Aikido takes longer than other martial arts to learn, thus developing patience. The techniques are effective for all sizes and strength, teaching humility to some, empowerment to others. In my Sensei's techniques one sees the martial application and the ease of his self-defense. In his patience and compassion while teaching one sees his spirit. Aikido develops the body, the mind, and the spirit. In harmony with oneself, one is in harmony with others and at peace with the world.

Every culture, throughout time, has had stories of women warriors. A warrior by definition is one experienced in conflict. It does not say that a warrior must be masculine. A warrior is anyone who faces conflict rather than hides from it. We are usually told that faced with a conflict, people will either fight or take flight. The other option is to freeze. A warrior is one who chooses to fight. It is not necessary that they win, just that they have the courage to fight. Courage comes in the presence of fear, not in its absence.

The first step in becoming aware of, and affirming, the feminine warrior is to look at ones usual way of handling conflict. Society has conditioned women to accept the flee or freeze response. This may have been a conscious or unconscious attempt to control women. I always try to educate my female clients that people never try to control people or things that don’t scare them. Perhaps it is that men are afraid of their emotions of vulnerability in love. Perhaps it goes back to being born and raised by a mother and immaturely fearing her power and control. One anthropologist suggested that when our cultures evolved into hunters, women were not allowed to hunt during menstruation, pregnancy, or nursing. Their scent was detected by, and warned animals of the hunters presence. Perhaps the evolving over emphasis on muscular strength gave men the role of fighting. Notice that none of these reasons actually apply today. Today is the day to become aware of the choice made, and to choose to face conflict head on. Becoming aware that you have a choice is the first step to affirming the feminine warrior spirit.

The second step is to become aware of how we stop ourselves from facing those conflicts. Think of a conflict that you didn’t face head on. What was going on inside your head that convinced you to flee or freeze. If it was a voice inside your head, whose voice was it and did you want to listen to it anymore. If you are picturing something that convinces you to flee or freeze, examine how probable or appropriate the scene is to what is happening right now. Often we find that the voice and scenes are from our past and no longer apply. Other times they are of some possible future outcome that also no longer applies. We can change the outcome by changing how we handle the conflict now. The warrior spirit makes the most appropriate choice in facing a present conflict.

The third step is to affirm the awareness of the feminine warrior spirit. It is in the acceptance of the feminine warrior spirit that it is affirmed. Women need to accept their femininity and not try to face conflicts in a masculine way. This is where their true power is. In the acceptance of what is, and what one is, we begin to express who we are. We cannot run from who we are. The true warrior faces their fiercest enemy in a mirror. Our biggest conflict and enemy is within each of us.

Throughout time, all cultures have known the true power of the feminine warrior spirit. It is a part of every woman. It is already there, has always been there, and always will be. By looking beyond one’s habituated response patterns one can choose again and choose the path of the feminine warrior. And the men will never tell about it. It is not theirs to tell. They have their own stories. A woman’s feminine warrior spirit will be told by the life she lives, and the choices she makes when she experiences conflict. If this is your story, tell it well so it will be remembered for all time.

“Today is a good day to die.” The old chief has lived by this saying his whole life. It has made him a fierce warrior with unconquerable courage. Today was his day to die. He knew it. He was prepared. He slowly climbed the ladder to lay down on his funeral pyre. He would close his eyes and join his ancestors. As he lies there waiting his time to die, he listens to the chanting and the drums. The sky becomes dark with clouds and it begins to rain. The raindrops fall on the old chief’s eyes. Finally he looks around, wondering if he was now in the land of his ancestors. He sees only his son. With a slight smile he says, “Sometimes the magic works and sometimes it doesn’t. I’m hungry, let’s get something to eat.” The old chief would continue to live as if each day was “a good day to die”, but that wasn’t going to be today.

This is actually one of my favorite scenes from the old movie “Little Big Man”. It is the story of one man’s journey between two worlds. One world is his world of birth, his white supposedly civilized world. The other is the world in which he was raised, the world of the Native Americans he called “human beings.” The scene above from that movie reflects the way of the warrior, the way of magic, and the way of the everyday world.

The way of the warrior is to accept death as a natural part of life. Birth and death are opposites. We make the natural transition from our mother’s womb into the world at birth. Death is another natural transition. Death is inescapable. If we are born, we will all die someday. Since it is a natural process it needs to be allowed to take its course and not hurried. The process of living can be severely hampered by the fear of death. It was once said that “everyone wants to go to heaven, but no one wants to die”. If we truly believed we were going to a better place, would we be afraid. Warriors believe that an “honorable” death will assure them a better place, so they live without fear. Warriors know that dying is easy, it is living that is hard. I often ask my clients if today was the last day of their life, what would they want to do and with whom? I also often have people go ahead into the future to their last day and discover where they want to end up. They bring that knowledge back with them into today. “Today is a good day to die” is balanced by “Today is a good day to live.”

The way of magic is the acceptance of unseen energies. At times magic is simply standing in awe at a beautiful sunrise, sunset, a child’s laughter, or your lover’s smile. Simply because we cannot find the rational intellectual words to describe this unseen magic doesn’t make it any less real. The old ways of magic were not to conjure up these energies to do our bidding. That type of magic was more of myth and media. Real magic doesn’t need to conjure up energy; it is accepted that it is already there. We do not direct the flow of real magic; it directs us. Real magic is very humbling. The Hopi Indians had a saying, “Don’t push the river, it flows by itself.” We often try to push our lives in directions it just does not want to go. Many people spend their lives swimming upstream instead of enjoying the natural currents of the water. The old chief understood this. On some days he was in tune with the natural flow of life and the magic worked. On other days, he may have been too much into his own ideas, totally missed the messages, was out of the flow of energy, and on those days the magic just didn’t work.

The everyday world is what is. After realizing that today was not his day to die the old chief was hungry. If it was not his day to die than it was his day to live. He went about living it. The magic of dying had not happened. It was time for the magic of living another day. Recovery programs they suggest we learn to take life one day at a time. That does not mean to disconnect from our past. The past holds many stories to tell by the fire or at the kitchen table. It does not mean to disconnect from the future. The future holds our direction and our dreams. It simply means that on that same lifeline, our life journey, today is the only day we are present in. Tomorrow’s stories of honor and magic or pain and regrets are the direct product of the actions you choose today and everyday. Choose wisely.

There are many times in anyone’s life that they thought this would be a good time to die, only to live another day. There are many times we thought we had it all figured out, but the universe did not turn out as we had anticipated. Many things are far beyond our personal magic. That is as it is and as it should be. As long as today is not our day to die, let us accept the magic that is naturally available to us if we walk everyday with honor.

We talk about the warrior spirit, but seldom define it. A warrior is someone who faces conflict. Spirit is something other than physical. Psychology is the study of humanity, the thinking, and feeling aspects of the ego identity. It is our minds and our hearts. A warrior's body maybe the weapon, but how that weapon is used depends on the heart and mind of the warrior, their spirit.

Warriors move towards a quick and strategic conclusion to conflict, not away from it. Warriors know that avoidance only postpones the inevitable and that it never resolves a conflict. Warriors hold a single concentrated focus on the objective, the mission, or the goal. Warriors know that fear comes from negative fantasies about the future. By staying focused in the present task at hand, there is no fear. Warriors accept that death is eventually inevitable and, while not wanting to, is not afraid to die. Warriors believe in saving lives even if it means taking a few. Warriors believe in a deep code of honor. Warriors do the right thing in the face of obstacles and opposition. Warriors welcome responsibility and accountability. They make and take no excuses. Warriors believe in, and practice, a disciplined life. Warriors know there is no short cut and accepts daily discipline as a way of life, both the means and the end. Warriors know that every challenge is another opportunity to practice and improve their skills. Warriors know they make others uncomfortable in times of peace, yet are welcomed in time of conflict. Warriors accepts that this is not just what they do, but is who they are in the depths of their minds, their hearts, and their spirit.

Warriors feel compassion for the people they protect. Tears are often behind their eyes, for it is love, not hate that motivates. Warriors feel compassion and indifference for the enemy. Warriors do not feel anger or hate, it is not personal, they are warriors worthy of respect too. The enemy chooses someone will die. Warriors only choose who. Warriors do not waste time on anger and hate. The enemy are also warriors worthy of respect. Warriors accept that courage comes in the presence, not absence, of fear. Afraid or not, warriors keep emotional arousal in check and uses the energy to complete the task. Warriors feel confident in their skills, not arrogance since this is an exploitable weakness. Warriors feel everything everyone else does, but chooses to respond differently. Warriors feel a deep love and commitment to peace. It is what they train, fight, live, and die for.

Warriors learn their ego identity from their parents and the society that raised them. The beliefs held in their minds are learned through different experiences. These beliefs determine the feelings held in the heart. Anything which is learned can be unlearned and relearned, therefore anyone can learn to have a warrior's spirit. All societies and cultures have had warriors throughout the ages. It is one of the oldest archetypes and is within all of us. By looking deep into the psychology, the mind and heart, we can learn to express and live by the warrior spirit.

Like any other endeavor, we only reap what we sow. To get the most out of martial arts training the student must put the most into it. There are many things students can do to benefit from their martial arts training. For many students of martial arts, the training scenes in the movies mean as much as the final fights. They teach how to become a martial artist, a fighter. You only arrive at the destination if you enjoy the journey. Like most journeys, the best path can be arrived at only when you know where you want to end up. The benefits of martial arts training come from the training. Most of these benefits will last a lifetime. Martial arts training changes a person.

Please remember before starting any exercise program consult a medical physician for a complete physical. Martial arts training may aggravate any pre-existing condition. Over-training, or incorrect training, will only lead to injuries. Under training will lead to lack of benefits. Health professionals recommend balance in all things.

While students experience some benefit shortly after beginning training, it is only after an extended period of six months to years of dedicated training that students experience more of the deeper benefits. There are no short cuts to the benefits. Because the benefits are dependent on the training or journey, the selection of a school and instructor becomes exceedingly important. Find a teacher who has proven they can achieve, maintain, model, and teach the benefits you want.

Students experience benefits first on the physical level. This is because most teaching emphasizes direct learning of the techniques. Secondly, students, after a period of study, begin to experience psychological and mental benefits. Very few styles of martial arts actually teach the mental aspects directly. As students feel better about themselves physically, they also find corresponding psychological and mental changes and benefits. With more training, the student extends these positive changes to their fellow classmates, at home and to society. A natural evolution extends these positive changes into a spiritual experience.

Most students of the martial arts take classes several times a week for sixty to ninety minutes. Most of these classes involve some sort of continuous motion. By moving through the exercises, techniques, and other training, the students increase their aerobic and anaerobic capacity. This increases their cardiovascular stamina and endurance. Many martial artists supplement their training with running, cycling, and jumping rope. By doing pick-ups in pace, martial artists increase their ability to burst into action.

Some styles of martial arts use both resistance (weighted), isometric or dynamic tension movements. Moving against resistance increase the students muscle strength. Adding more force, or muscle power, can increase the power in a punch or kick. Supplemental training with weights can aid in faster results. Some caution must be take so as not to shorten the muscles and lose flexibility.

A full extension of the arms and legs is necessary to perform many of the punches and kicks in the martial arts. To reach full extension, the student must gain flexibility through stretching exercises. Many of these exercises can be performed with a training partner or by one’s self. Kicks too high, too soon, leave many beginning students injured and losing valuable training time.

Coordination is the ability to work together. Physical coordination is the ability of students to move several parts of their body at the same time. Combined foot and handwork makes martial art movements efficient and effective. The martial artist accomplishes this coordination through repetitive physical rehearsal or practice.

One of the main goals and benefits of training is the acquisition of specific skills. Different styles use different training methods specifically designed for the acquisition of skills suitable for self-defense. Training is very skill specific requiring the consistent repetitive practice of the specific physical movement or skill desired. The benefit of this training is the skill becomes an automatic conditioned stimulus-response pattern.

We live in a day and age of increased stress. We hold tensions and emotions in. The expression of this energy on a physical level requires a physical outlet. The martial arts provide a means of stress reduction. Regular workouts also become a means of stress management. Learning to handle intense situations, such as sparring, actually promote stress prevention.

No system can run effectively and efficiently without the proper fuel. As martial arts students progress, they become increasing aware of their nutritional or dietary needs. Students learn to eat food low in fat, cholesterol, and calories. Vitamins and minerals become a daily part of their routine.

Because of the increase in health, students of the martial arts tend to avoid those substances that damage the human physical system. Students are much more substance abuse resistance. They tend to stay away from the over use of caffeine, nicotine, alcohol, and drugs.

Many students of the martial arts do not progress beyond just obtaining the physical benefits. They have not received competent instructions, they have stopped training, or they have some personal problem that may require professional help. If martial arts students continue to train well, they will begin to experience the psychological and mental benefits of training.

The initial training in martial arts appears superficially to emphasize the control of other people using punches, kicks, throws, and locks. On a more subtle level, the martial arts student is learning self-control and discipline. Controlling others is easy in comparison to controlling one’s self. It takes self-discipline to show up and train on a consistent dedicated basis. Many times students will not want to train, but will overcome their inner resistance and train anyway. Martial arts training leads to a great working class ethic.

Being in a physical confrontation brings up both fear and anger. Students face their fears to continue training. They control their anger response by not taking everything so personally. Controlling fear and anger becomes a very positive benefit of martial arts training.

To apply martial arts skills requires the development of mental alertness, awareness, the ability to focus, and concentration. Mental alertness and awareness is required to detect and respond to an attack. To defend one’s self requires the student to know what to focus and concentrate on.

If students train well under competent instructors, they will develop a positive sense of personal responsibility, morality, and their own character. Many martial art styles have a code of honor. Having this code as a guideline in life is a very positive benefit of training.