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When I found out I was expecting it was my husband Craig and I's third child.
We had had a little girl in 1995, who was born at 26 weeks gestation and died
after 15 days. Then in 1997 had a little boy at 31 1/2 weeks, who did make it
home. He died in 1999 from an unexpected accident. ( you will find a link
below to read their story). So needless to say this child was very much awaited
for and we were also very scared. We had so much love to give to a child. We
were also afraid to get our hopes up. From the very beginning of the
pregnancy my morning sickness was very terrible...the doctor had to put me on
THORAZINE and then when that stopped working he tried an anti nausea
mediacation given to chemo patients. I gained very little weight, in fact I lost
more weight than I gained. The doctor reassured me that the baby was
growing though, through weekly ultrasounds. We had scheduled a level III
ultrasound at the hospital for 19 weeks to get accurate measurements of the
baby. We went for the 19 week ultrasound and to meet with the high risk o/b
who would be consulting my doctor on my pregnancy. They started the u/s.
The first thing they measured was the baby's head. I knew something was
wrong. The head measurement popped up as 17 weeks. How could that be? I
had just been measured two and a half weeks ago and the head measured 17
weeks. Then they measured everything else. It all measured between 16 to 17
1/2 weeks. They did not say much, but kept asking me my due date. Then
they had the doctor come in and re-measure everything. He got the same
measurements. They could not determine the sex of the baby. The specialist
recommended that when I return to my doctor I have a variety of tests done. I
had suffered from HELLP syndrome with my first baby and toxemia with the
second. He thought they may be able to find a reason why. As an afterthought
he asked if I had an AFP done. I told him no, and he recommended I have one.
I called my doctor and had the tests done the next day. When the AFP came
back, it was abnormal. It suggested that I had a 1 in four chance of having a
baby with SPINA BIFIDA. The doctor assured me that these tests were not
diagnostic and they were not very accurate. He said that when I went back for
a follow up level III ultrasound they would be able to tell if the baby had any
birth defects. I continued to go to weekly appointments. I had my last
prenatal visit at almost 24 weeks. It was a Wednesday. I was scheduled to go
the following Monday for my follow up u/s. Everything was fine. The doctor
concluded the appointment with listening to the baby's heartbeat. It was
strong. Then on Friday I was having a terrible headache and was worrried it
was my bloodpressure. I had my husband take me to the hospital. They sent
me to Labor and Delivery. My blood pressure was fine. Just to be safe they did
an ultrasound before sending me home and the baby was not moving. There
was no heartbeat. The baby had also not grown since my last ultrasound. In
just two days the baby had died. We called my family. My previous two
pregnancies were classical c-sections and they told me that I would either
have to have a D&E or a vaginal delivery. If they did a D&E the baby would not
come out in one piece and it would be difficult to determine what had went
wrong. But it was a safe way to deliver. They first tried to do a amniocentesis
to draw out some of the fluid, but could not get any. I thought it was a
mockery that the only child I would feel labor pains with, would be born dead.
But I knew that I wanted an answer. I would deliver vaginally. There was a risk
to my life that my previous scars could rupture and I could bleed to death or
have to have a hysterectomy. They induced me at slow pace. I was in labor for
56 1/2 hours. I was pretty drugged up and I was happy about that. I wanted
to be numb. I wanted to be someone else. Everything went fine with the
delivery. As I make this site it has only been a week and a half and I have no
tests results back.. I did not look at or hold the baby..I regretted it the very
next morning. My mom did though, an I love her for it. I thought it would
make it easier and it hasn't. I do have one blurry polariod the hospital gave
me. It is so hard this being our third loss. There is not anything anyone can
say to us that we have not heard before. In some ways this hurt is harder in a
different way than losing my 2 year old son. His life was valued by everyone,
and missed by everyone. This baby I am missing, because I am the one that
knew her. It is as if people believe it did not happen or it doesn't matter since
she was not a part of their lives. But this child was truly our "HOPE" for the
future. We were just learning to believe that there is a future for us and then
our worlds were shattered again.
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