The effects of Bullying-from a survivor of bullying, with information about what effect it can have on people

Introduction

My name is Paul Drennan I am a 26 yr old from Ipswich Queensland Australia, I have written this webpage to talk about the dire effects of bullying, I myself endured 3 yrs of constant bullying in secondary school, although those days are well and truly behind me, sometimes old wounds take a long time to heal. After reading stories of children and young adults who have taken there own lives because of bullying at schools, I decided to tell my story as a healing process and also for people to get insight on what it is like to be bullied. First of all, I should make it clear that I do have Asperger Syndrome, a type of Autism, which wasnt officially diagnosed until 3 yrs after I had finished school, I also had a few learning problems, but this website is not about Aspergers or my learning problems, It is about bullies, and how they can make life hell for other people, and in some tragic cases (that I will mention later in this page) some people have taken there own lives. Bullies and Bullying know no boundaries, You may have a "disability", or you may wear a pair of clothes that the tormenter does not agree with, In other circumstances, you (the bullied person) will be bullied because the bully "wants to pick on someone", I am 27 in December this year, and whilst I have grown up and am more street-smart now then I was back then, the bullying effects have had long-lasting effects on me and some of my personality traits, so here is the story, no holes barred on how the bullying started, or from what my belief is what triggered it.
I went to a small High School, I wasnt teased "as much" in Primary School, I feel If I had been to a bigger high school, I may have been like a fly on the wall, and no one would have noticed me, but I had no real problems in 8th Grade, I always had problems interacting in big groups, but that was just put down to me being shy, Anyway all was going "well" until the middle of 9th Grade when some other 9th Grade boys invited me to play soccer with them (Bare in mind, I hadnt been diagnosed with Aspergers until after school at that juncture, but I still suffered from slight learning problems), I decided I didnt want to play Soccer and wanted to be by myself, Something to the effect of "We tried to include him...but he doesnt seem to want to be around people", Like I said it was a small school, and everyone knew everyone. I was quiet and reserved, I also didnt like people that told lies and referred to women as "sluts" or "hoes", I was probably more sensible then many of my tormentors, but that didnt stop them. In one instance I was locked in the change room for an hour, to add insult to injury, I had a crush on a girl in 7th Grade at the time (It was a High/Primary School), and my tormentors made it even worse by calling her and telling her "That weirdo that you like, we locked him in the changeroom", she replied with "I dont like him, hes a weirdo" which didnt help me much. I was pushed down the stairs once, because another attacker "didnt like me". It was around this time, that thoughts of suicide came into my head, One reading this may say "Turn to your peers", I could have I guess, but they were the ones tormenting me, as well as older AND younger students. I was never once given any compassion for what had happened, there were several incidents where I was teased and bullied, I was even beaten up in the school library by a bullie who walked casually in, cornered me and punched me in the stomach, and then walked out.
What hurt me more then anything else, in some ways, was not that I was being bullied, but that my sister was bearing teasing from other students, because of who I was (A quiet well mannered, although slightly anti-social young man). She said to me "People are talking about you...why is everyone picking on you, cant you at least TRY to be like them?". One of the incidents occurred in 10th Grade when I was called "Nancy Boy" (eg: Homosexual) by a known school bully (This attack is similar to what happened to Jared High who I will mention in Part 2 of my story), I am not Homosexual, but I was called this because I had to wear white tights because I was doing a Peter Pan play for English, *Fred (not his real name)through a shoe at me, I of course retaliated, and ended up ripping his shirt, and giving him a bloody nose, Fred was told "not to cause trouble", I was in trouble for "retaliating" (and who wouldnt if that had happened), I was a passenger on the same bus as Fred, and I was told to pay him money for a new school shirt. Each time, I was bullied or assaulted (not sexually), The bullies or the teachers investigating, would turn it out to be "my fault" because I retaliated and faught back. "Did you start the fight" the teacher asked me "No, they did" "You should have walked away" the person said "Well I had just had (whatever had happened to me) done to me", I am hardly going to just walk away when I have a shoe, or in one case a rock-thrown at me".
My school work began to deteriorate as well, Although not everyone in my grade had bullied me, I wasnt exactly mr popularity, Females in my grade,whilst not "physically" bullying me, would whisper things like "oh him..hes weird".
Another stunt pulled on me was I was going to sit down in Science one day and someone in my class pulled my chair from under me, and I fell to the ground, the perpretator (who had constantly bullied me) made out he was just "messing around" and didnt get into trouble.
The effects that the bullying have on me today, Is that I am phobic of just about anyone, I cant trust anyone, apart from family, even my friends, I have trouble trusting. I cant go into a shopping centre without wearing sunglasses, and I rarely, if ever leave home. I have a social worker, and am not working. In 2005, I saw 2 of the main bullies on the train, Both are now my age, with one of them married with a young child, the other, not married, I saw them, and just went about my business, I looked up and saw them smirking at me, I thought "I would like to tell them what they did to me, but they already know". As they left the train one of them said "Theres that loser we went to school with" Fortunately, they were the only 2 (to best my knowledge) on the train who felt that way, and I havent seen them since, so in this case, old habits DONT die hard.
In a way, the teachers TRIED a little bit to stop the bullying, although this occurred from July 1998-November 1998, when I finished high school, Although they should have done something 3 yrs earlier, all they did was allow me to spend lunchtimes with them "so I wouldnt get beaten up", However when I DID get beaten up, guess who got the blame? Thats right,Me, because I retaliated. My bullies were having a field day with me, and in the last 4 months of school, I really felt like I was living in hell, The reason that my parents didnt move schools, was because in there opinion "I could get bullied no matter where I went"-I guess I will never know. Not many people were my friends, I had maybe 1 friend, named Amber, who unfortunately was only 12 or 13 at the time, these days it probably wouldnt be a big deal if a say 26 yr old was with a 22 yr old but back then it was, Even though I wasnt "with" her, she ate lunch with me, she had compassion for me, she listened to me when no one else would, but thoughts of a sexual relationship with her didnt cross my mind, because of her age. Amber was a pretty young woman, who didnt have any disabilities as such, but was very compassionate towards people that were I guess teased and mocked by others. Of course, my friendship with her gave the bullies (there were more then 1) more then enough ammunition to start rumours that "that weird loner is f---king Amber" and calling me a "Pedo", Of course I never did such a thing, and Amber said that nothing went on, but one day I was walking into History class and one of the bullies got a cup of water and threw it over me, It was cold, so It didnt hurt that much, another one kicked me in the private area of my body, I was able to get a punch in, and in a small victory (maybe...) I had them to the ground. I walked into History class, strangely enough the teacher didnt even realise what had happened, but all the students did. He later recieved a call from the year level co-ordinator and the principal and I was told to go down and explain what had happened. "What happened down there?" I was asked "Well...people are calling me "Pedo" and things like that, and are insinuating I am being improper with (sic) Amber" I replied. "Paul, and I dont think you are (sic) like that, but why would people say stuff like that, if it wasnt true?" The co-ordinator asked me "I have been bullied constantly since 9th grade because I speak my mind and tend to want to be by myself" was the reply When the co-ordinator said that I should make an effort to fit in, and then maybe the bullying might stop, I yelled at him and said "Why would you accuse me of being something terrible, when you KNOW I have been bullied for 3 years, and always blame ME for everything" He was speechless, but he actually fell to the ground, because I yelled at him so loudly...I got a bit of satisfaction from that. Although, my mum was informed about the incident, but the worst was yet to come, 2 months to the day after the "Pedo" Incident, I was with a teacher and had left the teacher just after Lunch time, and was going to the toilets, when the same bunch of bullies that had called me names before, pistol whipped me with one of the belts, I tried to walk away, because I was 2 months away from finishing and I didnt want to cause trouble, but when they threw me up against a brick wall, I lost my cool, and ended up tearing up there shirts (Not that it is any compensation, but I was probably "bulkier" then most of the bullies), There punishment? To stay away from me for the remainder of the year, which they managed to do,only because they would be suspended If they did, I was suspended for the remainder of the term. I still had the bullies in my grade, which werent going away, The final bullying episode came 2 weeks before school finished (well no-one really talked to me in the 2 weeks after it but still), I was in Form assembly and one of the main bullies (The guy who was on the train in 2005) commented that "Paul (sic) wont be going on to do anything because he (sic) is a idiot" I wasnt really angry that he said it, because I really had accepted by now that I didnt really care what he thought of me, but I just walked out of the room, and came back in, I said to Jim (not real name) "Only apologise if you mean it" Of course Jim didnt apologise and I wouldnt have accepted it, even if he did, My encounter with him 7 yrs later, proved that things dont chanfe, and that I am the bigger man for moving on and maturing, although the scars are taking a very long time to heal, I have had help from friends at church, and I am starting to read the bible more, However I will never look back at school days as happiest days of my life. Even If I do have Aspergers Syndrome, does that give someone the right to bully me, Does it give anyone the right to bully anyone, no matter what the situation. The next part of the book will detail stories of bullying, in which the person has, sadly, taken there own life because of the effects of bullying, strangely enough after reading some of the stories, it has made me even more determine to stay alive, In a sense I kind of got my revenge on the bullies when I was diagnosed with Aspergers--I have a type of Autism--so I WAS different after all, but not for the reasons you thought, but unfortunately, they got the bigger thrill...I am the victim of there torture, Had I chosen to hang around those boys back in 9th grade, Had I made the extra effort to hang around other people, Maybe I may not have been bullied, or maybe I would have. I suppose I am one of those unfortunate few that have been targeted. I hope any bully reading this thinks about what if it had been them as the victims how would they feel...now on to some sad, but very true stories...

The story of Jared High

Last month, I emailed Brenda High, from Washington USA,Telling her of my story, She replied and although I had read of what happened to her son Jared, I have now been corresponding with Brenda for a little over a month now, She is the main person pressing for bullying in schools to be stopped. The following story is true, but may be a bit emotional for some people, but it did happen.
In May 1998, Brendas 12 year old son Jared (who suffered from hearing problems) was beaten in his school gym in Washington, by a known school bully. The bully was bigger then Jared, and tormented Jared, the reason for the bullying was unknown, Jared went into depression and couldnt sleep well, among other things, As was the case in my bullying experiences, Jared was partly blamed because he "gave the bully the evil eye", Bullying can effect a persons self esteem and there physical appearance, even today I have not so good self esteem, but I know I am a good person. Brenda was away at a meeting at the time of the attack, and told me that she and her husband Bill, transferred Jared to another Middle School, even though Jared wasnt bullied at his new school, and made a lot of new friends, the damage had been done (My personal opinion, is that he was worried that he would be bullied at one point, even though things seemed fine at that point in time, just as they did in his former middle school prior to May 6 1998). I never met Jared, nor his mother, but I do understand completely what he went through. On September 29 1998, Jared didnt want to go to school, so he was left at home, From what Brenda has told me Jared then called his father on the phone and said "Dad...Dad....I just called to say Goodbye", His dad, not knowing what to expect went straight home, and found his son, dead, from a self inflicted gunshot wound, just 6 days after his 13th birthday.
When I first heard of what had happened there, I thought "That could have so easily been me" I dont own a gun, but I could have easily hung myself or something else". I realise how precious life is now, Nothing can bring Jared and other people who have completed suicide back, but you have to remember that once you are gone, you NEVER come back. I have a link to Jared site in my links page, he is one of the several people who died from bullying.
To put in perspective, a 13 yr old boy, who had a slight hearing impairment, but was otherwise healthy and confident, to have it all taken away because a bully felt like hurting him, Jared had done nothing wrong, and yet the bully killed Jared (although Jared killed himself) but I mean...the bully took away his confidence, his self esteem, He had his whole life ahead of him, and his mother has worked endlessly on making sure bullying in schools is minimized, and I must say she is doing a good job.

What to do if YOU are bullied

In many if not all cases, bullies threaten there victims with taunts of "If you tell the teachers about this, we will get you", More often then not, the victims will be to scared to do or say anything. The best thing to do is to tell your parents or guardian EXACTLY what happened, write it down if necessary, Usually the bully will say things like "They (the victim) are just making it up", But why would the victim make something like that up?
Sometimes the bully will turn it around and say "Well (the victim) has been hassling me for a while, I was just getting them back" which is never really what had happened. If the bullied person has a group of friends with them to re-iterate what had happened, or even an audio-tape would be even better, the truth WILL set you free. Now I would hate to have been a bully who bullied someone so much that they took there own lives, and for what...because they couldnt hear properly, or maybe they didnt like a shirt they wore...I would hate to have that on my conscience...No doubt bullying will continue in schools, what starts out as pleasure for the bully, can end up with someone taking there own life or in my case depressed and phobic-they took something away from me that I am struggling to get back, I have won the battle by exposing these things for what they really are. I hope the bully who taunted Jared High and other people is reading this and realises that bullying isnt right, Women dont like bullies, so although I am not married at the moment, there are more chances of the bullies' victim to find someone then the bully....unless the woman likes that kind of thing, which I doubt she would.

Links

Jareds Website- A young man bullied at school, so much so that he killed himself

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