The Red Shadows

Rich Schull , High Functioning Autistic: A blind backwards experment on Autism.

Hobbies and Interests:
Old cars, things mechnical, their design repair and functioning. Darwin, Humanist, Star Track ,Alan Turing, Autism related stuff . Member Lambda Car club. Founding member of P-flag Lancaster Ohio.

Tony's Home Page Use this link to view another high-functioning gay web page.

The following essay/web page was written by yours truely and professionally edited by my communication partner and best friend Doug Buhrer. Thanks to Doug's insight into me and his never ending effort, this easy to read version of the The Red Shadows is your to read and enjoy.

The Red Shadows copyright 1998 by Rich Schull

Rain Man, Alan Turing and Autism

"Rain Man" that wonderful character portrayed by Dustin Hoffman in the movie of the same name, will always be what the average person thinks of when he thinks of autism. However , while the character was autisitc, I'm "high-functioning" autistic. The difference is scary.

Typically, I get along well enough to hide what I am, but not well enough to be effective . Except in my own way.

Prior to discovery of my autism ,I had one hero: Alan Turing , father of the computer. As examined in the The Enigma by Andrew Hodges, Turing could have been a version of me and my life ,as lived in an eariler time. Like me, Turing was an inventor, a workaholic, and had a poor social life due to lack of interaction skills and social reasoning.

A Personality trait of total honesty, without beneifit of filters most people use, is common to autistics. Turing told it all ; the good ,the bad and the ugly, without regard to the consequences to himself. Being openly Gay (outed) at a time when this was unthinkable led to ostracism. Turing commited suicide in 1953.

Had he possessed the basic social skills the rest of society takes for granted, Turing would today be an acclaimed historical figure. Despite having been awarded the Officer of the British Empire medal for his distinguished service in WWII, Turing remains an historical footnote.

There are all kinds of theory, on the orgins of autism, I suscribe most to the one claiming it to be a birth defect. This theory claims that autism is a birth defect caused when the mothers immune system begins to view the fetus as a threat to the mother, in past due date situtations. I was born over a month past the due date. In theory, my mother's immune system began to view me as a threat, after the due date. Her Immune system began to logically attempt to kill the "intruder",first by attacking the nervous system and then the brain.

I was born before her body was able to destroy the fetus, but much damage had been done. This theory futher claims that the remaining functions of the nervious system are lost forever : autistically normal I am largely unable to feel physical pain.

Autism affects more boys than girls and knows no social boundries. Usually it's discovered in early childhood, when typically, the child recoils from being touched ,held ,or hugged. Additional characteristics of odd play, no real fear of danger, and a preference to be alone ,confuse even the most senstive parents. "Kranner's Syndrome" a form of autism (high functioning) and the first offical discovery of autism happened in 1948.

The following began as a picture guide for parents of autistic childern and professionals in the field. The final product has become an essay on many subjects related to life and autism. In many ways I wish I was "Rain Man" as his life seemed simpler and he didn't often come into contact with the bad side of the world.

The Discovery Process

A little over two years ago, I was able to self-diagnose my autism at the age of 34 by listening to to a program on National Public Radio. The regular feature,Fresh Air, interviewed Temple Grandin about her book, Thinking In Pictures. Instantly ,my strange life had a meaning. I suddenly realized my thought process was different: the world didn't think like me.

Unfortunately, being the oddball was now undeniable. It is not unlike "comming out" ,that sweet-and-sour moment of achieving selfawareness, but realizing the potential dangers. Having not connected myself to Autism til age 34 I in effect ran a blind backwards experment on autism. This discovery so late in life was so unusual, I felt an immediate need to share my experience with others.

As with anything not well understood, others may be suspicious of my story. This story is only from my own experience , and might not be shared by other high-functioning autistics, espically those brought up 'Labeled Autistic' in school.

I was offically diagnosed as having High-Functioning Autism in December,1997. A years struggle had passed before the official diagnosis. Initally, I approached my local MR/DD mental health center and was refered to the Ohio State University's Nisonger Center only to experience the worst medical experience of my life in terms of autism. Fortunately, I was able to use Thinking in Pictures as my guide to teach the "professionals" about autism. Without it I wouldn't have achieved the same level of progress.

Finally, with the help of dad's financial resources, I was able to see a private psychologist specializing in autism. It was relief, for once not to have have to explain autism to the "professional" . In retrospect, it's easy to see how simple the diagnostic procedure should have been. My Advise to others : look for the best professionals you can find, regardless of location or cost. You will save yourself much grief.

Even though having recieved the official diagnosis has not dramatically changed my life, at least I no longer have to expend energy trying to convince others. The official diagnosis and the knowlege it brought helps in dealing with my extreme differences from others.

There are many area in which I'm different. The primary area that I notice most are difficulties with math, some learning disability, and social interaction problems, all consided normal for an autistic. However, on the plus side , I am able to live "independantly". For Example I drive, which is considered most unusual for an autistic. There is a complete section on driving autistically further on in this reading.

The reason I am so indpendant, I feel , is because of my diagnosis late in life. Although I always knew I was different somehow, I wasn't sheltered as a child. My parents and grandparents allowed me a controlled freedom, giving me an opportunity to learn from my mistakes. An Autistic diagnosed early in life doesn't know this level of freedom. Thus learning through experience, while ignorant of my condition, gives me a unique outlook on autism I can share with you.

The Pictures of Autism

An Explanation of "pictures" is important(Remember Temple's book Thinkng in Pictures) Autistics literally "think in pictures". the non-autistics daydream may be similar in concept,except autistics literally see these thoughts.

I now understand that these pictures are not common to everyone. Upon discovering my autism, I've spent the last two years with dad trying to understand each others thought process. The difference is striking, and we still have much to learn. Using dad's thought process as a yardstick has provided me with a link from the autistic to the non-autistic world.

My style of pictures, which may be shared by other autistics, are divided into several categories:still pictures, motion pictures and picture-in-picture thoughts. A typical thought may only be one style, or a combination of the three. Any of these thoughts,thought/pictures can be enlarged to the point where they block the actual image being recieved by my eyes. The deeper,or "fuller" the thought, the greater the chance the optic image may be blocked.

All pictures regardless of style, are "real" as those viewed with my eyes. Color detail, and perspective are accurate. My pictures are never in black and white. Sleep dreams are not conscious, but my pictures are. I can control my pictures, and they relate to the reality of the moment, as it unfolds around me.

Perhaps, another explanation for the non-autistic is to imagine a sleeping dream, experienced while you were awake and fully conscious. You know, from having been suddenly awakened while dreaming, the dreams seem incredibly real while they are happening. The fact that dreams are often fantastic doesn't always impress as much as the feeling that what you experiencing seemed "real".

When you awake, you may want to share , by describing, this intense experience in words. Still you wish there was a way to communicate this fantastic experience with others. This is much like the autistic thought process.

Picture-in picture is by far my most common thought process. It's exactly the same concept as a picture-in-picture television set, where the main program your're watching fills the large screen, and the smaller box withhin the screen holds a secondary program. For me , this means my optic vision fills the large screen, and my thoughts fill the smaller screen in the corner.

As an example, the thought "Where is my coat?" would show the large screen filled with whatever I happen to be looking at during that moment. Meanwhile, the smaller thought screen, or window ,would show the coat hanging on it's peg in the stairway. If I decide to retrive my coat, I've learned it's better to focus on the vision screen. Were I to attempt to focus on the the thought picture at the same time, I would be more likely to trip or walk into a piece of furniture.

This may explain why autistics often appear to be unfocused and uncoordinated. It's simply because they are attempting to do two things at the same time. When a picture-in picture thought becomes "full-sized" it simply enlarges to replace the optic reception.

Still Pictures were the first pictures I remember . It's possible I experienced these as far back as first grade, but my earliest complete memory was from fourth grade. A reading assigment described the changing seasons, accompained by an illustration of a tree changing colors in the fall. The next day, the picture of the tree appeared long before the class again studied the book. Later, the teacher began discussing the book and the picture appeared again. Finally, we again looked at the illustration in the book, confirming the accuracy of my eariler pictures. This Left me puzzled, and gave me the sensation of having some form of extra-sensory perception.

Of course, if I'd known that this type of picture was normal for autistics, and that I was the only one in the class to "see" this picture, I'd have felt greatly relieved. As it was I tried my best to ingnore these pictures from that moment on through most of seventh grade, and thought of them as a nuisance. It would clearly be a great beneifit to autistics to have a book that could explain the process and thus relieve their anxieties.

Today, still pictures continue to be frequent, and can be in the picture-in-picture format or simply a full picture. Full size pictures usually appear as the answer to a question, as a final thought, or as a point in a thought on which I'm stuck.

Remember , if an autistic wishes to communicate his pictures to others, it must first be translated into words. Were a class on autism available , a section on translation would be important.

I ulitze at least 26 alphabetical picture "markers" as a filing system. For example , If I want to find my drywall screws, I first see the letter "D". I then focus on the picture marker for the "D" file. Finally, I focus on the picture of my drywall screws and their location in my workshop, which is also structured alphabetically.

Still pictures are especially useful when I need to data about an object. My mind enlarges a full-size image of the object I wish to study. Then, much like a laser-light pointer, I focus my "sight" to where I need additional information,say to measure the length or the angle of an object. Via another specialized verson of my still pictures, I can see the bolt streach as it is torqued (tightened) the imperfect union of two parts, or the current flowing through an eletrical circuit.

Motion pictures are the most useful of my mental pictures. They can be full-sized or in the picture-in-picture format. As these pictures completely involve my attention, I try to avoid walking, driving , or most other activites that require my conscious mind. To do otherwise risks causing an accident. To avoid motion pictures, or pictures in general, I simply don't think about something too deeply. I suspect only 30% of my thoughts would be "normal" without pictures.

In particular, history questions or subjects almost guarantee the start of a motion picture.The pictures can drift back in time ,hold for a partial translation, start again for additional information, hold again for another partial translation , and then these thoughts can be compiled for a verbal answer. The non-autistic is able to simply gather an answer with ease.

Motion pictures as described in Thinking in Pictures, can be compaired to operating a VCR on fast foward or rewind. Future events can be predicted using motion pictures. For example, While Driving I am able to measure the the speed and the action of drivers ,their possible moves, and the reactions they might cause. Typically , I try to avoid moton pictures while driving the verson refered to here is a "lite" driving mode picture.

My first motion picture is unforgetable. Our Science teacher (8th grade) finshed a lecture stating light is not necessary product of combustion,because you can't see inside the engine anyway. I wanted to respond that it was necessary, for I was "seeing" the cumbustion inside of an engine. My viewpoint was as if I was setting on the edge of a piston, riding it up and down,and watching the valves open and close. Even the details were complete: the type of metal used in the engine,and the poor combustion of this particular engine in my picture.

Fortunately, I refrained from making any statement. My reputation for being strange didn't grow stronger: at least not on that day. From then on I started paying attention to my pictures,all of them.

Translating Pictures

The autistic has great difficulty relating his or her pictures to others. Not only is the level of detail hard to describe, but we mistakenly assume that the non-autistic thinks like us. Almost every word to us can be the equivelent to a chapter in a book for the non-autistc. I'll bet some of my "key " words can have 30-40 pictures associated with them,most of the time all versions need sorted through. Our impression may be the non-autistic listener doesn't care or is ignoring the conversation. The certainty of an autistic regarding their pictures is total.

Being of a mechanical nature , my pictures are geared toward the mechanical nature in me. My pictures can convince me of a defect in bolt threads , the less than perfect connection of two parts, or a reversed part connection, none of which may be visble to the eye. Attempting to share this conviction with the non-autistic can be an exercise in frustration.

I'm still learning to remind myself that my thought process is different from others . A conscious approach to reach people at their own level is the only way I can successfully communicate with others.

A simple question can send me into the depths of analysis. In third grade, dad asked me how a light switch worked. My response was to describe electron flow through a circuit. While the response may have been correct, it was clearly inappropriate in a non-autistic world. Maybe this is where the the idea of the 'little professor' comes from , a comment often said of high functioning autistics. A simple answer was all that was required and the autistic not knowing the world is different simply gave a diseration of his normal thought.

Remember the old saying," a picture is worth a thousand words?" If this is true, imagine the difficulity you'd have processing thousands of pictures per day, and the quanity of words needed to translate those pictures. It is no wonder an autistic becomes overwelmed ,often reacting with frustration and anger. A typical response for parents is to slow down the autistic child with medication.

A casual reference to a past holiday could trigger an avalanche of pictures to an autistic. The autistic might respond, again inappropriately, about an inedible cake served during that holiday. He might reminise about the antics of a now- disgraced relative. Not out of ill will, but because the autistic doesn't understand that these memories could be painful to others. The autistic was simply processing pictures and reporting their content.

Today ,I make a conscious attempt to add one step to this translation process. You might think of it as a "filter program". If the pictures subject matter is inappropriate, I outline the subject in RED . I've trained myself not to translate into words any subject with a red shadow. This is where the name of this web site came from my, Red Shadow translation process.

These complicated translations obviously create a communication impass between the autistic and the non-autistic. The autistic is often angry, beliving the non-autistic is showing indifference or lack of respect. The non-autistic,meanwhile may be hurt by the unwitting remarks made by the autisic, instillling distrust. Or ,the overwhealming detail of an autistic's response may leave the non-autistic unwilling to distill the data into an understandable form. It is no wonder that autistic has trouble communicating.

Perhaps ,driven by a desire to communicate better, many autistic's study foreign languages or become espically adept at their native tongue. Sadily, despite the "language advantage" many eventually quit trying and live their lives as if in a holding pattern. The best of writing and speaking skills have a hard time overcoming the thoughts of autism.

To make things worse ,an autistic may find it hard to follow the rules of "polite" society ,due to the lack of emotion and the inability to empathize with other peoples thoughts and feelings. The built in "filtering" mechanism most take for granted isn't there. It may bother some people when a friend or realative is discovered to have an interracial relationship, announces he is Gay or checks into a hospital for emotional trouble. As long as, this relative or friend is still a good person, these things will not bother me. However voicing opinions different from the rest one's tribe can cause an autistic to be ostracized.

As you might expect only so much information can be processed at one time. When to much happens an overload occurs. Triggers,include noise , many thoughts requiring rapid processing, or a quickly-changing surrounding. An indivual or combnation of triggers can cause the ulitmate short-circuit. During overload the thought picture becomes like"snow" you'd see on a T.V. tuned to an inoperable channel. Noise, even from a loud radio nearby, simply fades to nothing. Seconds later ,vision and hearing return to "normal".

I find I can tolerate crowds to around 15 people once in awhile providing I know most of them and I wear a q-tip in one ear to reduce the noise to process. Strangers and lots of action such as moving arms ,pointing fingers and people moving about ,instead of seated for certain provoke an overload. Add a high pitched voice or tone to this mixture and I'll jump a foot or two.