In Loving Memory of my precious son

Richard

Sept.02,1980 --Sept.02,2000

Rich, only God knows why you were taken at such a young age. Maybe your work down here was done. Maybe God needed a special Angel above for some reason unknown to us. God always has a reason for what He does, and those reasons are not ours to know. I do know you are now home with God.. and in a much better place then here on earth.

Rich, I will always love you , my son. You will always be in my heart and thoughts. You were such a beautiful baby when you were born.. and stayed a beautiful person for your entire short life.

Rich, I remember being told as a child that there is nothing to fear from thunderstorms. As you know.. I am afraid of storms. We had storms the other night.. first time since you went to heaven. I did weep during them.. but not from fear.. but from remembering you, my son. You see, I was told that during a storm.. the rain is the angels crying... and the thunder is the angels bowling. Lighting is only the angels taking pictures...I'll forever think of you during each storm bowling with the other angels.

My son,. you brought joy, love and laughter to my life.. and also to many other lifes you touched. Rich.. you will be deeply missed each passing moment.

You were taken much to early from this life...

Only God knows why.

I love you Rich

Mom

Richard ..a few hours old

Rich in his Senior year 1998

Rich's cat Kaboodle

I added my son's name to the remembrance quilt.

Below is an essay my daughter had written for one of her college classes. A more beautiful..tender.. insightful and moving essay I've never read.

Christine..this is a most beautiful and heartfelt essay. I'm very proud of you , my daughter.I love you, Chris.

Feb. 4, 2001
Essay 1
There have been many people in my life that have influenced me. Settling on one individual proved a difficult task. The choice became simple when I realized who it was that taught me three of the greatest lessons. My brother, Richard, taught me the meaning of humor, restraint, and loss.
Humor composed a big portion of Richard's personality. His jocular attitude was infectious. His jokes always seemed to elicit a smile or many times a groan. Common sense dictates that we laughed and smiled at the good jokes. Luckily for me, even the bad jokes were told in such a way that I had to chuckle at the execution, while groaning at the product. Practical jokes were another area in which Richard excelled. Many times it was our father who was the recipient. Richard was the ringleader in what I affectionately call the "Frosty Paw Ice Cream Caper". As our unsuspecting father sat enjoying dessert, Richard asked him why he was eating the dog's ice cream sandwich. We convinced Dad that the ice cream in question was a specially made dessert that was being sold for consumption for animals. To this day, Dad refuses to eat ice cream sandwiches. I regret to say that I was not present for Richard's greatest joke. Dad had forbidden Richard to get a tattoo. One day after work, our father came home to find a tattoo on my brother's arm. I wish I could have seen the amused look on Richard's face as Dad reprimanded him. Twenty minutes into the lecture, it was discovered that the offending tattoo was a temporary. It was antics such as these which kept Richard cheerful. The world and life were never too serious for a dose of wit. It was his sense of humor which kept the proverbial glass half full.
The art of restraint was my most needed lesson. Richard used both direct and subtle ways to modify my temperament. My brother and I differed greatly in this aspect of our personalities. Richard could have been a child of the 70's with his long hair and peaceful attitude. Although he never once uttered the words "make love not war," it very easily could have been his motto. When faced with a disagreement, he was normally kind, persuasive, and mild mannered. He rarely resorted to harsh words or e "get mad and even" motto. I tend to easily become confrontational, loud, and intimidating. I could swear that my temper had a control panel that only Richard knew how to operate. He knew exactly which buttons to push to anger me. I believe he got some satisfaction in angering his older sister. Richard was also the only person able to silence my outbursts. As livid as I could become, there was a great many times in which he made me laugh in order to stop my rampage. His most effective maneuver was resting his arm on my shoulder. As my temper and volume increased, so did the weight he inflicted. I adapted quickly to the fact that, if I didn't want my arm in pain, I would calm down.
Unfortunately it was Richard that taught me the cruel lesson of loss. When Dad was relocated to Las Vegas, Richard decided to accompany him. I also would have gone if not for having my house and animals here. Having been in a state near constant disagreement for most of our lives, the separation did us good. I looked forward to Sundays because we had a new ritual. I would call and wake him up. At times he just handed the telephone over to our father, but usually we talked. It was during these calls that we realized how much we had in common. We proved the old adage "absence makes the heart grow fonder." As much as I missed him, my lesson on loss was not complete. On September 2nd, Richard introduced me to the ultimate heartbreak. When I got the phone call informing me that I had just lost the last person I expected to lose, a portion of my soul died. The sight of all the words written in the past tense on these pages brings profound sorrow to my soul. I never knew that lessons and memories could be so bittersweet.
Richard taught me these lessons in his trademark gentle fashion. There was no better person to write about. His humor tells me there is a positive viewpoint almost everything. When my temper starts to rise I can actually feel his arm on my shoulder. This lesson of loss is the one that will never fade or be forgotten.

My Mommy is a Survivor

My mommy is a survivor,
or so I've heard it said.
But I hear her crying late at night
when others are in bed.

I watch her lay awake at night
and go to hold her hand.
She doesn't know I'm with her
to help her understand.

But like the sands upon the beach
that never wash away...
I watch over my surviving mom,
who thinks of me each day.

She wears a smile for others...
A smile of disguise.
But through heaven's door
I see the tears flowing from her eyes.

My mom tries to cope with death
to keep my memory alive.
But anyone who knows her,
knows it is her way to survive.

As I watch over my surviving mom...
Through heaven's open door
I try to tell her that angels
protect me forevermore.

I know that doesn't help her
or eases the burden she bears.
If you get a chance, go and visit her...
and show her that you care.

For no matter what she says...
No matter what she feels
My surviving mommy has
a broken heart
That time won't ever heal.
-Author Unknown

Forever Changed

Can you see the change in me?
It may not be so obvious to you.

I participate in family activities.
I help plan holiday meals.

You tell me you're glad to see that I don't cry anymore.
But I do cry!

When everyone has gone -
when it is safe -
the tears fall.
I cry in privacy so my family won't worry.
I cry until I am exhausted and can finally sleep.

You tell me you admire my strength and my positive attitude.
But I am not strong.

I feel that I have lost control,
and I panic when I think about tomorrow...next week...next year.

I go about the routine of my job.
I complete my assigned tasks.
I drink coffee and smile.

You tell me you're glad to see I'm "over" the death of my child.
But I'm not "over" it.

If I get over it, I will be the same
as before my child died.
I will never be the same.

At times I think I am beginning to heal,
but the pain of loosing someone I loved so much
has left a permanent scar on my heart.

I visit my neighbors.
You tell me you're glad to see I'm holding up so well.
But I'm not holding up well.

Sometimes I want to lock the door
and hide from the world.

I spend time with my friends.
I appear calm and collected.
I smile when appropriate.

You tell me it's good to see me back to my "old self."
But I will never be back to my "old self".

Death and grief have touched my life,
and I am forever changed.
~ Author Unknown

A MOTHER'S CHILD:

I'll lend you for a little time, a
child of mine, He said.
For you to love while he lives ,
and mourn when he is dead.
It may be six or seven years,
or twenty-two or three.
But will you, till I call him back,
take care of him for me?
He'll bring his charms to gladden you,
and shall his stay be brief,
You'll have his lovely memories
as solace for your grief.
I cannot promise he will stay,
since all from earth return,
But there are lessons taught down there
I want this child to learn.
I've looked the wide world over
in my search for teachers true
And from the throngs that crowds life's lanes,
I have selected you.
Now will you give him all your love,
nor think the labor vain,
Nor hate me when I come to call,
to take him back again?
I fancied that I heard them say,
Dear Lord, Thy will be done.
For all the joy Thy child shall bring,
the risk of grief we'll run.
We'll shelter him with tenderness,
we'll love him while we may;
And for the happiness we've known,
will ever grateful stay.
But shall the angels call for him
much sooner than we planned,
We'll brave the bitter grief that comes,
and try to understand.

--- Edgar A. Guest

Why God Takes Children

When God calls little children
to dwell with Him above,
We mortals sometimes question
the wisdom of His love.
For no heartache compares with,
the death of one small child.
Who does so much to make our world,
seem so wonderful and mild.
Perhaps God tires of calling
the aged to His fold.
So He picks a rosebud
before it can grow old.
God knows how much we need them,
and so He takes but few.
To make the land of heaven
more beautiful to view.
Believing this is difficult
still somehow we must try.
The saddest word mankind knows
will always be Good-bye.
So when a little child departs,
we who are left behind,
Must realize God loves children.

Angels Are Hard To Find!

author unknown

Don't Tell Me

Don't tell me that you understand,
Don't tell me that you know...
Don't tell me that I will surely survive,
How I will surely grow...

Don't tell me this is just a test,
That I am truly blessed...
That I am chosen for the task,
Apart from all the rest...

Don't come at me with answers,
That can only come from me...
Don't tell me how my grief will pass,
That I will soon be free...

Don't stand in pious judgment,
Of the bonds that I must untie...
Don't tell me how to suffer,
And don't tell me how to cry...

My life is filled with selfishness,
My pain is all I see...
But I need you, I need your love,
Unconditionally...

Accept me in my up's and down's,
I need someone to share...
Just hold my hand and let me cry,
And say, My friend, I care...

-Author Unknown

IF TOMORROW NEVER COMES

When tomorrow starts without me, and I'm not there to see;
If the sun should rise and find your eyes all filled with tears for me;
I wish so much you wouldn't cry the way you did today, while thinking of
the many things we didn't get to say. I know how much you love me,
as much as I love you, and each time you think of me I know you'll miss me too;
But when tomorrow starts without me, please try to understand, that an angel came
and called my name and took me by the hand, and said my place was ready in heaven far above,
and that I'd have to leave behind all those I dearly love. But as I turned to walk away,
a tear fell from my eye, for all life, I'd always thought I didn't want to die.
I had so much to live for and so much yet to do, it seemed almost impossible that
I was leaving you. I thought of all the yesterdays, the good ones and the bad, I thought
of all the love we shared and all the fun we had. If I could relive yesterday, I thought,
just for awhile, I'd say goodbye and kiss you and maybe see you smile. But then I fully
realized that this could never be, for emptiness and memories would take the place of me.
And when I thought of wordly things that I'd miss come tomorrow, I thought of you, and when
I did, my heart was filled with sorrow. But when I walked through heaven's gates, I felt so
much at home. When God looked down and smiled at me, from His great golden throne, He said,
This is eternity and all I've promised you. Today for life on earth is past but here it
starts anew. I promise no tomorrow, but today will always last, and since each day's the
same day, there's no longing for the past. But you have been so faithful, so trusting,
so true. Though there were times you did some things you knew you shouldn't do. But you
have been forgiven and now at last you are free. So won't you take my hand and share my life
with me? So when tomorrow starts without me, don't think we're far apart, for everytime
you think of me, I'm right here in your heart.

Author unknown

Grief Is Not...

Grief is not a mountain to be climbed,
with the strong reaching the summit
long before the week.

Grief is not an athletic event,
with stop watches timing our progress.

Grief is a walk through loss and pain
with no competition and no time trials.

author unknown

When I Am Gone

When I am gone release me
Let me go, I have so many things to see and do
You mustn't tie yourself to me with tears
Be happy that we had so many beautiful years
I gave to you my love
you can only guess how much you gave me in happiness
I thank you for the love you each have shown
But now it's time I travel alone
So grieve awhile for me, if grieve you must
Then let your grief be comforted by my trust
It's only for awhile that we must part
So bless the memories within your heart
I won't be far away, for life goes on
So if you need me, call and I will come
Though you can't see or touch me, I'll be near
And if you listen within your heart you'll hear
All my love around you soft and clear
And then when you must come this way alone
I'll greet you with a smile and say " Welcome Home".

author unknown

Lean on me

As the road ahead seems rugged
and the path is getting steep,
I feel that I can't make it
so my heart begins to weep.

Then I turn to see who's coming
to join me on my way.
I see it is my Lord
and He slowly turns to say,

"Lean on me.....
when you have no strength to stand.
When you feel you're going under,
hold tighter to my hand.

Lean on me......
when your heart begins to bleed.
When you know I'm all you have,
then you'll find I'm all you need."

Then when I felt that no one cared
if I lived or died,
and no one bothered asking why
I'd go alone to cry.

When the burden got so heavy
I could barely face the day,
I felt His arms around me
as I gently heard Him say,

"Lean on me......
when you have no strength to stand.
When you feel you're going under,
hold tighter to my hand.

Lean on me......
when your heart begins to bleed.
When you come to know I'm all you have,
then you'll find I'm all you need."

Author Unknown

Footprints in the Sand

One night I had a dream. I dreamed I was walking along the beach with God. Across the sky flashed scenes from my life. For each scene, I noticed two sets of footprints in the sand, one belonging to me, and the other to God.

When the last scene of my life flashed before me, I looked back at the footprints in the sand. I also noticed that many times along the path of my life there was only one set of footprints in the sand. I also noticed that it happened at the very lowest and saddest times of my life. This really bothered me and I questioned God about it.

"God, you said that once I decided to follow you you'd walk with me all the way. But I have noticed that during the most difficult times in my life, there is only one set of footprints. I don't understand why when I needed you most you would leave me."

God replied, "My precious child, I love you and would never leave you. During your times of suffering, when you see only one set of footprints, it was then that I carried you."

Author Unknown

Messages to Rich:

To my little brother, I don't know why you were taken from me so soon. I never thought that I would grow old without you to torture. You were my protector. I knew that you were always there for me. We used to fight when we were young, but we had grown so close over the last few years. I looked forward to calling you every sunday. I couldn't wait to move out to Vegas . We had so many plans. Everyday, something else hits me, reminding me that you are gone, and I break down and cry. I keep wanting to wake up and have this be a nightmare. From now on, whatever I do, I am doing for both of us. I love you. You will always be my baby brother and you will always be with me.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Thanks Rich for being such a sweetie on the phone and for the program you gave me. Here's a graphic I made with it for you.

CheroWolf

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Here's a graphic made by Martha...I've not met her yet.. but she is a fellow Knight of Kindness....and her kindness shows in this beautiful graphic...Martha..Thank You.. This is precious.. and I'll treasure it always.

The Song playing is "Who's You Be Today" by Kenny Chesney.

Sunny days seem to hurt the most
I Wear the pain like a heavy coat
I feel you everywhere I go
See your smile, I see your face
I hear you laughing in the rain
Still can't believe you're gone

(Chorus:)
It ain't fair you died too young
Like a story that had just begun
But death tore the pages all away
God knows how I miss you
All the hell that I've been through
Just knowing, no one could take your place
Sometimes I wonder, who you'd be today

Would you see the world
Would you chase your dreams
Settle down with a family
I wonder what would you name your babies
Someday's the sky's so blue
I feel like I can talk to you
And I know it might sound crazy

(Chorus)

Today[6x]

Sunny days seem to hurt the most
I wear the pain like a heavy coat
The only thing that gives me hope
Is I know, I'll see you again someday

Someday, someday