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When Should You Give a Cheater a Second Chance?
by Ruth Houston, infidelity expert,
founder of www.InfidelityAdvice.com
and author of Is He Cheating on You? – 829 Telltale Signs
Should Silda Spitzer give Eliot Spitzer a second chance? Under what circumstances should you forgive a cheating mate?
What to Consider Before You Decide
Before you decide whether or not to take a cheater back and give him or her a second chance, you should take several factors into consideration. First and foremost are the circumstances of the infidelity, and the cheater’s attitude about the affair.
When NOT to Give the Cheater a Second Chance
It's not advisable to give the cheater a second chance if he or she:
• Refuses to sever ties with the Other Woman or the Other Man
• Continues to lie about any aspect of the affair
• Is a habitual or serial cheater who has had one or more affairs in the past
• Feels no guilt or remorse for having hurt his/her partner;
• Wants to sweep the affair under the rug and proceed as if nothing has happened
• Feels he or she has a right to cheat or have an extramarital affair
• Does not feel that the cheating was wrong
• Is a sex addict who refuses to seek help
When to Consider Giving the Cheater a Second
Infidelity doesn’t necessarily mean the end of a marriage or relationship. Sometimes the relationship can be saved. If the cheater is genuinely sorry, has severed all ties with the Other Woman or the Other Man, and is willing to get professional help, if necessary, then you might want to consider taking the cheater back and giving him or her a second chance if the infidelity occurred under the following circumstances:
• An isolated incident such as a one night stand
• Under the influence of drugs or alcohol
• While going through a midlife crisis
• As a misguided response to a life crisis such as the death of a loved one or the loss of a job
• In cases of sexual addiction, where the cheater is seeking, or willing to seek medical or professional help.
Under the above circumstances, you may consider forgiving the cheater and giving them a second chance. But Don’t automatically hand over forgiveness on a silver platter. This is a situation in which forgiveness has to be earned. Otherwise, you’re setting the stage for the cheating to happen again.
What Else You Need to Do When You Take Back a Cheating Mate
First of all you need to have a conversation with the cheater about the cheating. Certain ground rules have to be set. You need to out some checks and balances in place. The cheater needs to be fully accountable to you on for as long as it takes to trust them again. It’s not a quick fix.
It could take as long as 2 years to rebuild broken trust.
The Biggest Obstacle to Giving a Cheater a Second Chance
The biggest obstacle to taking a cheating spouse or significant other back is the fear that the affair might still be going on behind your back, or that the cheater will cheat again. It’s a valid fear since it probably took you a while to discover the affair in the first place. Like most infidelity victims, you were probably the last to know. So it’s natural to be concerned that it could happen again without your knowledge.
How to Overcome the Fear that The Cheater Will Cheat Again
The best way to overcome this fear, if you’re trying to reconcile with a cheating mate is to become thoroughly familiar with the signs of infidelity. Since most of the signs are subtle, knowing what to look for is the key. Is He Cheating on You? – 829 Telltale Signs (Lifestyle Publications, $29.95), covers practically every known sign of infidelity, including the subtle signs people usually overlook. Despite the title, most of the signs apply to cheating woman as well as cheating men.
The signs are conveniently grouped into 21 major categories, so you can easily find the signs that apply to your mate. Is He Cheating on You? is available as a soft cover book ($29.95) from www.InfidelityAdvice.com (click here to order now) or as a downloadable e-book ($37) from Booklocker.com
The e-book version is available from http://www.booklocker.com/books/1755.html and comes with a bonus section that will come in handy if you decide to take back your cheating mate. In addition to 3 other special reports, it also contains the following affair recovery information:
• What the Two of You Must Do to Survive Your Husband’s Affair
• Advice for the Husband Who Cheated
• Advice for the Betrayed Wife
• Can Your Marriage Survive His Affair?
• Will He Cheat Again?
For more information about either version of Is He Cheating on You? – 829 Telltale Signs, visit www.InfidelityAdvice.com
FREE Infidelity Information to Help You Deal with a Cheating Spouse
The two free special reports below can prove helpful to anyone trying to reconcile with a cheating mate.
1. Is He Cheating? Is She Cheating? – 21 Ways You Can Tell
E-mail InfidelityAdvice@gmail.com with Cheating 21-ws in the subject line.
2. 14 Things Everyone Should Know about Signs of Infidelity
E-mail InfidelityAdvice@gmail.com with 14 Things-ws in the subject line.
For more information about signs of infidelity, cheating spouses, or extramarital affairs, visit www.InfidelityAdvice.com or http://infidelitynewsandviews.blogspot.com
About Ruth Houston:
Infidelity expert Ruth Houston, is the founder of InfidelityAdvice.com and the author of Is He Cheating on You? - 829 Telltale Signs, which documents practically every known sign of infidelity.
Frequently called on by the media to comment on popular infidelity issues and infidelity-related breaking news, Ruth has been quoted in USA Today, the New York Times, the New York Post, New York Daily News, Newsday, the Los Angeles Times, the Wall Street Journal, the Chicago Tribune, the San Francisco Chronicle, the Christian Science Monitor, Cosmopolitan, msnbc.com, FoxNews.com, ABC News.com, MSN Lifestyle, MSN Money, iVillage, Netscape Love, the National Post, Maclean’s , Entertainment Online, and numerous other print and online media worldwide.
Ruth has also been a guest on The Today Show, CNN, Fox News, ABC News, NBC News, Fox and Friends, The Morning Show with Mike and Juliet, Ireland's Late Late Show, 1010WINS, Sirius Satellite Radio, Court TV Radio, BBC, CBC, and over 440 radio and TV talk shows in the United States, Canada, Europe, South America, New Zealand, Australia, and the Caribbean.
To interview infidelity expert Ruth Houston,
call 718 592-6039 or e-mail InfidelityExpert@gmail.com
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