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Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on 124.7."
Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure...by the way, as
we lifted off, we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the
runway."
Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on
124.7...did you copy the report from Eastern?"
Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff...and yes, we
copied Eastern and we've already notified our caterers."
(Source Unknown – if you know please let me know so they may be credited)
Taken from www.aviationhumour.co.uk
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Having just re-started my flight training for PPL, I came across a few versions of this and thoguht .... "How true"
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A Flying students' diary..
Week 1
Monday: Rain
Tuesday: Rain
Wednesday: No rain; no visibility either
Thursday: Take instructor to lunch. Discover I don't know enough to take instructor to lunch.
Friday: Fly! Do first stall and second stall during same manoeuvre. Cover instructor with lunch.
Week 2
Monday: Learned not to scrape frost off Plexiglas with ice-scraper. Used big scratch as marker to set pitch.
Tuesday: Instructor wants me to stop calling throttle "THAT BIG KNOB THING." Also hates when I call instruments "GADGETS"
Wednesday: Radios won't pick up radio stations, so I turned them off. Instructor seems to think I missed something.
Thursday: Learned 10 degree bank is not a steep turn. Did stall again today. Lost 2000 feet. Instructor said that was some kind of record -- my first compliment.
Friday: Did steep turn. Instructor said I was not ready for inverted flight yet.
Week 3
Monday: Instructor called in sick. New instructor told me to stop calling her "BABE". Did steep turns. She said I had to have permission for inverted flight.
Tuesday: Instructor back. He told me to stop calling him "BABE", too. He got mad when I pulled power back on takeoff because the engine was to loud.
Wednesday: Instructor said after the first 20 hours, most students have established a learning curve. He said there is a slight bend in mine. Aha--progress!
Thursday: Did stalls. Clean recovery. Instructor said I did good job. Also did turns around a point. Instructor warned me never to pick ex-fiancee’s house as point again.
Friday: Did pattern work. Instructor said that if downwind, base and final formed a triangle, I would be perfect. More praise!
Week 4
Monday: First landing at a controlled field. Did fine until I told the captain in the 747 ahead of us on the taxiway to move his bird. Instructor says we'll have ground school all this week on radio procedures.
Tuesday: Asked instructor if everyone in his family had turned grey at such an early age. He smiled. We did takeoff stalls. He says I did just fine but to wait until we reached altitude next time. Three Niner Juliet will be out of the shop in three days when the new strut and tire arrive. Instructor says his back bothers him only a little.
Wednesday: Flew through clouds. I thought those radio towers were a lot lower. I'm sure my instructor is going grey.
Thursday: Left flaps down for entire flight. Instructor asked way. I told him I wanted the extra lift as a safety margin. More ground school.
Friday: Asked instructor when I could solo. I have never seen anyone actually laugh until they cried before.
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This page (and the subsiquent add on's) are continually being updated.
Thanks.
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Flight Rules
1. Keep your feet off the seats.
2. Don't get snooty with the crew; they have permission to use fatal force.
3. If a passenger gets anxious, let him hold THE parachute for a while
4. Eyes forward at all times...(when) if the tail falls off you will know soon enough.
5. Don’t goose the stewardess… unless you have checked her rates first.
6. Don't ask embarrassing questions of the crew, such as:
· Where's the loo?
· When did the pilot qualify?
· Where are the parachutes ?
· What’s turbulence?
. . . Hell, they don't know, either!
7. If you don't like the food, tuff.
8. Take your F*****g feet off the seats.
9. Only two people at a time allowed in the loo, we dont go high enough for the mile high club
10. Do not remove the gum holding your seat to the floor, we dont care how hungry you are.
11. If you dont take your feet off the seats you will be shot.
12. No liability is accepted for delays due to loss of engine.
13. Be thankful if you land… the pilot will be.
14. Always let the crew off first; they have to get through before customs wake up.
15. Don't bother the stewardess, unless you have a gold card
16. Reading material will be passed around after the pilot has finished with it
17. In the event of an engine failure the landing ETA will be revised.
18. Avoid getting airsick unless you have the cloth to clean it up.
19. Don't expect the coffee to be hot...don’t even expect coffee.
20. If you see the stewardess sitting in the pilots lap dont be offended, he has a bigger gold card
21. Never ask for more than one beer on any flight; a smack in the teeth may offend.
22. In case of ditching at sea, swim.
23. Feeding crew members to the sharks is not nice, dont do it, you may need to eat them later
24. If the stewardess starts to bounce on the pilots lap, it is turbulence, honest.
25. Gratuities should be in hard currency.
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