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Script Coverage The Script Genie
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The following is script coverage that I wrote for a major film company. The names of the characters as well as the names of the authors and the script itself has been changed, in order to respect the author's privacy.
Logline: When a young man realizes that his long-lost father is in danger, he sets out to find him, leading to an adventure in the mountains.
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Comment Summary: This unoriginal story with an identity crisis contains too many subplots and underdeveloped characters. The story starts out with explosive action, but soon looses its fuel. _______________________________________________________________________
EXCELLENT GOOD FAIR POOR
Concept/Originality x
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Characterization x _______________________________________________________________________
Dialogue x _______________________________________________________________________
Structure x _______________________________________________________________________
PASS CONSIDER RECOMMEND
Script x
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Writer x
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Synopsis
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Flashback to Peter (6) as he helplessly watches two men murder his mother. The men are looking for her husband. When she tells them that he is dead, they shove her against the fireplace and she suffers a fatal blow.
Present day, Seattle, Peter (18), is now living with his UNCLE and working in the family-owned diner. Two men come into the diner asking for Peter’s father, DONALD. Peter tells them that his father is dead, but can tell by the look on his uncle’s face that this is not the case. Peter realizes that his father is probably still alive. Later, Peter interrogates his uncle, but he won’t fess up about Donald’s. However, he does mention that Peter’s father was a shady guy.
As Peter leaves the diner that night, one of the men looking for Donald stops Peter and warns him that if he knows anything, he had better start talking. That night, Peter looks through his mother’s old stuff to see if he can find any information. He finds an envelope from his father with a return address in Wyoming. He takes the letter with him. The two men have been following Peter and as he leaves his house, they rough him up and take the envelope. Peter recognizes one of the hoodlums as the man who killed his mother. Peter knows that his father is alive and in trouble. He leaves for Wyoming right away.
Once in Wyoming, Peter finds out that the two hoodlums, REESE and CAMPBELL have already been into town looking for Donald. It turns out that Donald, who has apparently changes his name to LOGAN, lives on a remote hill that is only accessible by horseback. Peter meets a post officer, JENNIE, who is one of two people in the town who know how to get to Logan’s. The other person who knows the route is Jennie’s father, GEORGE. Jennie readily accepts Peter’s plea to take him to Logan’s. As they are about to depart on their journey, they find out that George has been kidnapped by Reese and Campbell.
As Peter and Jennie get closer to Logan’s they find George dead. An American Indian man stands beside George’s grave. Jennie introduces the Indian man as POPE, Logan’s father. Peter finds out that he is half Indian. Pope tells them that two men killed George and kidnapped Logan’s wife and young son. Peter is out for revenge. Pope is upset by Peter’s reaction and tells Pete that he must not let rage overcome him and that he must be patient. Throughout the journey, Pope teaches Peter the way of the Indians. A little bit later, Jennie Pete consummate their relationship.
Pete’s first run-in with Logan is on the trail. Logan has been at a gold mine on the top of the hill and came down the mountain when he spotted travelers. After a few questions from Peter, Logan tells his son that he is going to give himself up to Reese and Campbell in return for his family. Father and son pay a visit to Reese and Campbell and try to bargain with the hoodlums. Reese and Campbell will only accept the mine in a trade for Logan’s boy and wife, TANA. Logan agrees, but tells the men that the mine is unsafe and could crumble at any minute. Reese does not care and goes to explore his new mine which starts to cave in, killing him. Meanwhile, Campbell threatens to kill Logan’s wife, but because of the skill and patience he has learned from Pope, Peter is able to shoot an arrow and kill Campbell. He has avenged his mother’s death and saved Logan’s new family.
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Comments
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An underdeveloped story that could be so much more if only it were focused, the authors have created a story with an “identity crisis,” by trying to appeal to too many audiences through an awkward combination of genres. The problem with the logic of the story, begins with the premise, which is unclear and is neither fully exploited nor explored. Although the premise is hidden, one might argue that the premise inquires about a boy finding his father. However, due to the holes in logic throughout the story, the premise is rendered ineffective.
The main plot of the story is inconsistent in its tone. This is due to the myriad of subplots and sub genres within the story that fail to further the plot, and instead seem to be placed at random. Hence, the identity crisis, as the authors seem to have thrown genres and subplots into the mix with a, “the more, the merrier,” attitude. For example, the obvious love storyline that was underdeveloped. As soon as Peter and Jennie meet, it is obvious they have a crush on each other. However, rather than explore the budding love, adding, much needed tension to the story, the two are have sex, faster than you can say, unromantic. There is no conflict in the love story, making it trite and uninteresting.
To its credit, the story begins with wonderful action scenes, however the tone quickly becomes slow moving to the point of being burdensome.
The many subplots open the door for exciting scenes full of conflict and action, however there is never anything of interest at stake to keep an audience interested in the story. For example, even at a pivotal moment when Peter and his father meet for the first time in 13 years, they exchange nothing more than the equivalent to a, “Hey, what’s up?” Similarly, the scene when Jennie finds her father, laying dead, in a pool of blood, is also devoid of emotion. The main scene that could have provided conflict and interest was the kidnapping of Logan’s family. However, these characters are not developed enough for one to truly care about their ill fate.
The characterization is mostly weak with less than a handful of interesting, albeit underdeveloped personas. Both Pope’s character and Logan‘s wife have the potential to be smart and interesting personalities. Pope, as the mentor character teaches Danny the importance of the Indian way and Logan’s wife, has the makings of an intelligent, sassy woman. Unfortunately, these characters are never developed to their full potential, as they are given only brief scenes. The remaining characters lack both humor and spontaneity as they react in a dry and formulaic manner. For example, when Peter asks Logan why he never came back to Seattle after Peter’s mother was murdered, devoid of emotion, he replies, “I guess I thought about a lot of things, but I never went back to find out.” Furthermore, when Peter asks his father, why he had not anticipated Reese looking for him, he answers, “I should have known they’d show up one day, but after a while, I guess you forget.”
Judging from the monotonous dialogue, it seems as if the authors haven’t developed the lead characters. Instead, the characterization mostly relies on stereotypes. For example, although Pope is an interesting character, he plays right into the stereotype of an American Indian with his chanting and theories about spirits. This could be interesting if his character had been explored deeper so that there had been a sense of backstory. Even the villains are stereotypical with lines such as, “Let’s understand each other. Your old man’s got something that belongs to us. We don’t want to hurt him, we just want to find him.”
Although the script lacks innovation and smart characteristics of a NAME WITHHELD film, if the writers were to focus more on developing the American Indian sub plot of the script, clean up the inconsistencies throughout and add emotion to the characters and dialogue, it could make for an interesting independent vehicle.
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