Staten Island Advance 9

It’s time to light the tree and power-up the DVD; Christmas is here and we’re all looking forward to holiday viewing fare. Sure, we can’t afford the big-time annual favorites but we can play what we found in the discount bin:

“Ted & Bill’s Excellent Advent”: Two dudes, trying to find the perfect Christmas presents for their girlfriends, travel through time disrupting events at Bethlehem, Charles Dickens’ house and the North Pole.

“A Christmas Corral”: In Texas, a mean old varmint is visited by the ghosts of cowboys and cattle rustlers who were sent to teach him the true meaning of a Christmas on the prairie.

“Santa Claus is Coming”: A Christmas porn film.

“It’s a Wunderful, Wunderful Life”: Lawrence Welk learns what Christmas would be like if he had never been born.

“Dude, Where’s My Sleigh?”: An animated special in which a couple of elves have too much eggnog one night and lose Santa’s sleigh.

“Santa Claus Conquers the Jews”: St. Nick finally gets the Hebrews to see the light, so to speak.

“‘Twas”: Frank McCourt’s Christmas memoir.

“Ho, Ho, Ho”: A mean old pimp is visited by three of his call girls one Christmas Eve. They teach him the meaning of Christmas. Featuring “Not-So-Tiny” Tim.

“How the Grinch Embezzled Christmas”: Ebenezer J. Grinch, the CEO of Christmas Inc., swindles the company out of millions, lays off the workers, and dupes the shareholders while his wallet grows three sizes. In the end, he gets appointed to a cabinet post.

“Men are from the North Pole, Women are from the South Pole”: John Gray and Dr. Phil team up to settle some holiday relationship problems.

"Santa With an Ax": Christmas Day told from the pine trees' point of view.

“The Home Without a Christmas Tree: They were Arabs, so we sicced Homeland Security on ‘em!”: Watch as the season goes from red and green to orange alert.

“A Holiday Carol”: the edited version of Charles Dickens’ “A Christmas Carol” put out by Wal-Mart.