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Once upon a time, there was a magical website that let anyone "publish" anything and would pay people for it! Yes, they would pay you each time someone "clicked" on your site. And they expected to make money doing this. Of course, the problem was that by letting everyone be published, it meant anyone could be published. And there was a lot of dreck to wade through.
Eventually, people began to realize that there was simply too much garbage to wade through to get to anything decent and they stopped clicking. And the site went defuncted.
Naturally, I climbed aboard in the final months. But I did learn a thing or two, including the need to parody the whole "pay-per-click" experience. I've loaded it up here and attempted to re-create the effects as I first posted them on Themestream, and then The Vines.
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Milking the "Pay-per-Click" Cash Cow: I upped my hits, up yours!
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It's great having a place to share your writing and passions. Of course, we write for the sake of writing but we all want a readership. We all want an audience. We all want to get traffic to our work. And grab a nice piece of change in the process. So how do you get people to read your masterwork? Sure, you could write a truly exceptional article that plums the depth of the human experience and presents great insights for all to share. But that's really, really hard. So, we resort to wily cunning. Here are some handy tips on increasing your hits:
1) MISREPRESENT YOUR WORK: I'm sure your little poem about Aunt Martha's puppy farm is quite lovely and touching but what if it was about HOT SEX or "Survivor?" Well, it doesn't actually have to be but with a good title, a rousing description and a few choice keywords like "Harry Potter," "Pokemon," or "Hot sex" you can have the folks lining up to read your poem, now entitled "Hot Sex on Survivor Island."
2) BADGER OTHERS: You have family and friends? Use 'em! Whine, cajole, threaten, berate, embarrass and blackmail loved ones into reading your work. As family and friends, they're pretty much obligated to support any lame brain thing you get involved with. This is simply a reminder. However, don't bribe people, as it cuts into your profits.
3) THINK LINK: With handy dandy linkage, once you rope someone into one of your articles, you can lead them to another. It can be to a related article or something that has nothing to do with the subject at hand. A good link name can be useful, too, something like "HOT SEX."
4) P.C. A.K.A.: Across this nation, there's a phenomenon springing up: Internet coffee shops. Yes, people can drop in and log on while enjoying a double mocha alpacino. Go to these places now. Log on to Themestream and click on a couple of your articles. Have some more coffee and click onto more articles. After a while, it gets to be quite the rush. Don't care for coffee or being around humanity? Check out your local library. Today most have web access and the librarianwill be happy to set you up at a computer. Once there, in the silent solitude of the reading room, you can click on your articles to your heart's content and then move onto the next branch. Me? I like to stay after work and then use my co-workers' PCs. Between that and office supplies, it's a great place to work.
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5) SPAM: This is much like badgering friends and family only it involves complete strangers. Log on to newsgroups, e-mail lists, web site guest books and message boards near and far, plugging away on any article you think they may or may not be interested in reading. What Trekkie or Britney Spears fan wouldn't enjoy your recipe for egg creams? You know those e-mails you get, offering to sell you hundreds of e-mail addresses for one low fee? Buy one and e-mail everyone on it!
And make sure to give your e-mail a descriptive, eye-catching subject line. I like to label all my important e-mail to strangers as "Not A Virus" or "Hot Sex" to put them at ease. Spam: it's not just a lunch meat,it's a useful tool.
And it must work or why would there be so much of it?
6) E-PALS & CYBER-BUDDIES: There are many Internet clubs and e-groups out there devoted to Themestream and its writers, where others will show you theirs if you show them yours. Here you can post announcements regarding your latest or best articles. Learn who to suck up to. Find the self-appointed
opinion makers and ingratiate yourself to them. Read other articles and gush profusely about them. Sure, you'll have to wade through a lot of tripe but think of the hits you'll get in return!
7) GO CROSS-POSTAL: Like any other business, your primary reason for success is location, location, location. Post and cross post your articles in high traffic topics, like TV & Film, Themestream, or Hot Sex. Avoid less visited areas such as Burning Man, UCLA Sports or Swiss Naval History. The more people wandering around, the more likely they'll stumble across your work.
8) NAME DROPPING: In any piece you write, the names should be dropping like flies. Mention as many TS authors as possible. Who doesn't like to read about him or herself? TS authors, especially! So the more names you use, the more authors who will click on you. And they'll love you for it, after all, it's not like it's costing them anything!
9) WRITE IN BULK: As with other money-making enterprises, you're pushing product. You have to deal in volume! Two hundred articles will make more than twenty, right? Am I right?? Post everything you can. Something interesting happen to you this morning while brushing your teeth? Write it up. Found a funny Clinton joke on the 'net? Post it! Have a strong opinion about your neighbor's lawn ornaments? Share it!
Sometimes I just submit alphabetized list of author's names until the muse strikes. Even if what you write is short or incomplete, it doesn't matter Why write "War & Peace" if you'll get paid the same for "The Gettysburg Address?" And there's no such thing as "too short." That's what we
have double spacing and big fonts for!
10) AVOID MAKING LISTS OF 10: It's just so derivative of David Letterman that it will turn people off. Although, if you've turned them off after they clicked onto you, who cares? You already got the hit! And what are they going to do? Avoid your future posting? Not with all the traps you have laying in wait for them! Ha!
Yes, by following these few simple rules and devoting no more than 12-13 hours a day to the effort, you'll be making pennies hand over fist in no time! Good luck and I'll be seeing you on-line!
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To help re-create that "pay-per-click" experience, you can actually toss me a couple of pennies if you like what you see. If haven't got a penny, a haypenny will do. If you haven't got a haypenny, God bless you.
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