Staten Island Advance 1

Dan's Good Writin' in the...

I live in NYC. Downtown NYC. Very downtown. Okay, I live on Staten Island. And here's a couple items from the hometown paper.

SI Advance 2/28/02

SI Advance 11/29/01

With the coming worldwide economic depression that is going to effectively wipe out the financial gains made in the last decade practically here and banging on the old steel-reinforced bunker door, it's the time to think frugal! For years we've see and heard about people who can stretch a dollar so far they can bounce a quarter off of it. It's time to move beyond that and get into some really serious penny-pinching. Yes, I have some time-tested methods and some great advice given to me by some of the other voices in my head.

Now, nobody wants to live like they're poor but it's better to live like you are poor than to actually be poor. No sense letting your nosy neighbors know how much you make. Keep a low profile. Keep 'em guessing. To help stretch your budgeted dollars, I put together some super ways to live below your means:

- Coupons: Yes, clipping coupons is the number one way to enhance your mealtime. Simply gather your coupons, add a little oil and vinegar and you have a wonderful salad.

- Credit Cards: One must be very careful about using a credit card. It is the sure-fire way to wreck any budget. So, once you run up the card and max it out, do what I do; fill in the "change of address" form on the envelope and have it forwarded to Alaska or Rome or some-such-place and it's "bye-bye bills!"

- Home Dentistry: Sure, we'd all like to go to a dentist once in a while but I'm no Bill Gates. Companies are constantly cutting back their dental coverage, so how to make up the difference? With a power drill, spatula, Silly Putty, tile grout and other common household items you can easily take care of most dental needs.

- Join one of those "Save the Kids" programs: You've seen the commercials on late night TV, so sign your family up and let a family adopt you. These people are able to feed entire villages for pennies a day! Think of the savings to your budget if you could feed your whole family for pennies a day!

- Yard Sales: It's an easy way to make money from things lying around the yard. Simply wait for your neighbors to leave the house, put up a couple of "yard sale" signs on their lawn and boom, you're in business.

- Xerox money: Thanks to amazing advantages in digital technology and scanning devices, you can turn one dollar into many. And with a few upgrades, you'll be able to do pocket change.

- Barter system: Man's earliest form of commerce still works today! You can trade services or goods with your neighbors. Simply tell your neighbor that you'd be willing to "protect" their property or have sex with them in return for food or appliances. Sometimes the old ways are the best.

- Medical Experiments: With all the uproar about using animals to test new drugs, pharmaceutical companies are begging for human guinea pigs and they'll pay cash! It's a great way to supplement income and maybe even help mankind, as if they deserved it.

- Be creative: Saving money doesn't always have to be boring and serious. There are lots of fun ways to save money! Whenever you go to a theme restaurant, tell them it's your birthday and get a free dessert. Order kid's meals from the burger places then sell the toys on Ebay.

- Buy in Bulk: Thanks to price clubs and special bulk programs you can get excellent prices on items you need and have a supply that will last. I've been able to stock up on a fine assortment of canned goods, dry goods, firearms, ammunition and assorted sundries that will come in handy during the coming days of global terror.

- Cannibalism: Unless you're some kind of freak-vegetarian, you'll need fresh meat. And with so many transients around and more coming, it's quite easy to rustle up some quality cuts. And tasty, too. It's like having a Donner party in your mouth!

I hope you find these tips useful. That old cliche is as true as it ever was: a penny hoarded is a penny earned. I truly enjoy sharing my tips and besides, it counts as community service.

Once upon a time, in a land of major market shares, lived a Weatherman. He was called a Weatherman because he would try to tell whether it would rain or not. He was a happy, jolly sort who liked trying to guess what the weather would be the next day. He had access to millions of dollars of highly sophisticated electronics, satellites and cutting edge technology so he could tell people if they should bring their

umbrellas or not.

One day, Mr. Weatherman was looking at his Doppler 2000 radar set and he saw a cold front approaching. Now when a cold front meets a slow news center, things happen. The Weatherman went on the television and cried, "Snow!"

When the co-anchor asked him how much snow, the Weatherman replied, "A lot! We'll be buried! Look out, everyone, snow!"

And the city heeded his cry. They rushed to the market to buy a fat pig. And loaves of bread. And milk, gallons of milk. The market was overrun with people who needed toilet paper and potato chips before the snows came.

And then...nothing happened.

"What of the snow?" the people asked.

And the Weatherman pointed to his large map and said, "We were tracking the storm and it went out to sea."

Much relieved and feeling they had averted disaster, the townsfolk resumed their lives.

Then, as it was nearing the very important television sweeps period, the news center was wondering how it could get more people to watch.

"A story on breasts usually works," said one executive.

"A story about the MOW we are showing would be good," said another.

"We should investigate something," said the anchor.

Then they asked the Weatherman what he thought.

"I think I see a Nor'easter a-coming," was his reply. "I think it'll be the storm of the century," he noted.

And they interrupted regularly scheduled programing to tell the populace that a winter storm watch was in effect and people had best get as much milk, bread and videos as they could. "Snow!" exclaimed the Weatherman.

So once again the market place was filled with highly agitated people concerned about the weather. Many reporters were sent out to stand in the snow and tell people it was snowing. Programing was interrupted so people who were trapped in their homes by the snow could see how bad the snow was on TV. The lord mayor of the province closed all the schools and called out his special brigades to shovel and make clear the routes of the land (earning much O.T. in the process) so seriously did he take the warnings of the Weatherman.

And the city braced itself for the storm. It never came.

"It dissipated due to the jet stream," the weatherman explained.

And the reporters came home.

And the schools re-opened.

And the brigades collected their O.T.

And the Weatherman was banished to a smaller market share with an older demographic, where he does the weather for the tri-county area and supplements his income with commercials for an automobile dealership.

page created with Easy Designer