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for Gregg....who lives in my heart forever !
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Gregg's family....
Gregg was my middle child. My name is Valerie. I am married to a wonderful man, my soul mate, for 35 years! Our oldest son is married to a wonderful girl, they gave us our first grandson three years ago...in my grandson I have begun to believe, once again, in the circle of life! This year we have been blessed with a baby granddauther,. As I sit and write this today, my youngest child, my daughter Andrea, turns 19! Gregg will forever be 15, he died just before his 16th birthday, in 1986, after a two year battle with complications from encephalitis. He is my hero, he fought an endless battle to overcome overwhelming odds. I will love and miss him all of my days. He was a wonderful young man and should NEVER be forgotten. As long as I live, his father lives, his brother, his sister and nephew...HE LIVES.
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My Online Life
This page is dedicated to Gregg of course but also to all my online friends who have endured the unfathomable, the death of their child. There are several support groups which I take active participation in, groups that deal specifically with grief issues unique to parents. I have made so many wonderful friends, sometimes I think I have at last found the family I never knew growing up. Bereaved parents share a bond like no other people I know..we come from all walks of life, all cultures , races and beliefs. For the most part these parents are the most compassionate, understanding and tolerant people I have met in my lifetime. It is with great sadness that we are brought together, it is with hands held tightly that we help pull each other along the lifetime journey of grief. The death of a child is a life altering experience, nothing prepares a parent for burying a child. The grief issues are overwhelming. Family and friends are all too often incapable of meeting the needs of those they see suffering from this devastating loss...in their discomfort at having to deal with the undealable they tend to either back away, or imply that we " get on with our life "...many are well meaning but inadequate in their responses to our needs...many are just plain 'clueless', for they have no frame of reference from which to draw from in order to offer help. We, as bereaved parents, realize this..for we too once basked in the ignorance of denial and the cliche that this could "NEVER happen to us". So it is because we DO understand others that we find great solace in one another...that we RISK caring for what appears to be perfect strangers..no bereaved parent is a stranger to another bereaved parent...our children unite us, making us FAMILY. Together we find ways to honor our chilren, we find places to bring our love for our children and we empathize with one another. Thank you to all my friends, my online family..you know who you are!
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What happens when a child dies...
When a child dies so does a very real part of us, the childs family..his parents, brothers, sisters, grandparents. For in our children we GO ON..it is through THEM that we will be remembered and it is through the REMEMBRANCES that we live forever!...when my child died so much of my world died right along with him. Colors lost their brilliance, sounds became muted, music lost its melody, smells became less fragrant, touch lost its allure...nothing much mattered, the world was viewed through a haze..feelings became numb..and this is the world I lived in for a very long time. Beliefs which once held so much meaning became meaningless, not for everyone..but for far too many. When feelings do begin to reappear they come in the form of anger, a deep raging anger,at the world, at those you love the most..at EVERYTHING. Anger rears its head so strong that it frightens most of us and we begin to wear our MASK...the face we put on for the rest of the world ..the one that says we are fine when we are asked because we KNOW no other answer is acceptable ...grief robs us of so much, but we MUST go through it , face it , feel it...it is a measure of how much we loved that we grieve. And bereaved parents love JUST as much as those who are not bereaved.
The death of a child makes some of us, most of us , more compassionate people. I will never take another moment for granted, will never let the sun set on an argument with one of my surviving children. I am more tolerant of people who are having difficult times..I feel empathy for someone who I might not even know, that cries..for that person might be mourning the loss of a child. I find that reaching out to other parents who are bereaved helps me with my own grief issues. This is the reason I dedicate this site to other bereaved parents , the reason I continue to work with them even after all these years. One thing is certain , once a bereaved parent , ALWAYS a bereaved parent. I CAN and will offer hope to the newly bereaved. I CAN and do offer testimony that life DOES get better after a measure of time..grief DOES get softer. There is no time table, no right or wrong way to grieve over the death of a child..it is a lifelong journey! Mothers and fahers grieve differently, and each needs support and understanding. The stages of grief do NOT lay themselves out in neat little nitches for us to easily navigate our way through them. The waves of grief can be trigged by the most innocent of things,even years later. Just when you think you are coping you can find yourself blindsided by a song on the radio, by a commercial on TV, by a wedding invitation from your childs best friend, by a soft summer breeze that gently brushes your cheek and reminds you of your childs ' summer smell '...the triggers are endless for most of us. In the early years the triggers induce sadness bringing us to our knees in pain and longing,as the years move on the triggers make us smile with reflection at the wonder of precious memories. Surviving the loss of a child is the hardest work a parent will ever have to do..but it IS survivable, not necessarily because we are stronger than the general population but because we have no choice. We were never given the choice, death robbed us of our child. The very LEAST we must do is move forward with a resolve to NEVER let our childs death be in vain. We can choose to live with the tragedy and find ways to make our life better in spite of our loss OR we can choose to let our loss destroy us. Every bereaved parent I have met has chosen LIFE and in doing so they honor their child.
The last thing I want to mention on this page is my willingness to extend a hand in empathy to any bereaved parent online who has not had the opportunity to connect with support groups or fellowship. Please feel free to email me or refer me to any online friend who has lost a child and needs to learn that they are NOT ALONE...
much love ..Gregg's mom forever!
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family links...grief link
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