A CHRISTMAS CAROL - Always Crying "Humbug" Results In Spirits Teaching Miser About Selflessness. Curmudgeon Accepts Reality Of Lesson. KAMA SUTRA - Keen! A Manual About Sex! Use This Resource Assiduously. THE CLAN OF THE CAVE BEAR - The Heroine's Extremely Courageous, Living Among Neanderthals, Ostracized Frequently. The Headman Evicts Cromagnon As Violent Earthquake Brings End; Ayla Retreats. TO KILL A MOCKINGBIRD - Three Ordinary Kids Inspect Law, Learning About Mankind, Offering Children's Keen Insights. Neighbor's Good: Boo Is Really Decent. MACBETH - Murder And Chaos: Betrayal Emerges. Turmoil Here. WATERSHIP DOWN - When A Terror Emerges, Rabbits Seek Home In Peaceful Domain; Others Would Negate.
Condensed Stories:
APPLE Genesis Revisited
Anecdotal Paradisiacal Prehistoric Legend Expounded.
Ancient Perfect Place: Life's Enchanting.
Available Provisions Plentiful, Larder's Enormous.
Alluring Plant Provides Limitless Enticement.
Appetizing Produce Prohibited, Legally Excluded.
Asp Proffers Purloined Luscious Edible.
Antagonist Puckishly Prompts: "Lady, Eat!"
Adam Purportedly Partakes, Like Eve.
Alas, Pair Promptly Learns Evil.
"Are People Present?" Lord Enquires.
Asking Produces Prevarication, Lying Even!
Anticipating Problems, People Look Embarrassed.
Atmosphere's Palpably Perturbed, Larceny's Exposed!
Almighty's Pronouncement: "Please Leave Eden!"
Alarmed, Pitiful People Lament Ejection.
As Punishment, Paradise Lost Eternally.
Against Possible Perfidy, Lookout's Emplaced.
Angel Protects Pathway; Lockout's Everlasting.
GRINCH How The Grinch Stole Christmas
Green, Repulsive Individual Nearly Canceled Holiday.
Got Ready, Impersonated Nicholas; Creature's Horrible!
Goofball Reindeer Is Nice Canine, However.
Ghoul Rapidly Invades Nestled Citizens' Houses.
Girl Reawakens, Inspects Nook, Catches Him!
"Gifts Retaken?" Inquires Naive Cindylou, Heartbroken.
"Getting Repaired," Intones Nervous Claus, Hurriedly.
Glass Refilled, Infant Now Cuddles Him.
Gleefully, Rotten Interloper Next Cruises Home.
Greeting Redeemer, "INRI," Natives Chant Hallelujahs.
Getting Really Incredulous Now, Character Hears.
Guy Realizes It's Nice, Christmas Holiday.
God Repairs Infidel's Nasty, Cruel Heart.
Genuinely Repentant, Inhabitants Now Cherish Him.
Granted Reprieve, Invitee Now Carves Ham.
U M B R E L L A Winnie-the-Pooh and the Honey Tree
as told by Christopher Robin
Ursa Minor (Bear) (Really Edward) Loved Licking Ambrosia.
Using My Balloon, Ridiculous Edward Launched, Lifting Away.
Upward Motion Brought Real Excitement -- Lunch Looked Accessible!
Useless Mantra Bear Recited Evoked Little Lasting Apathy.
Unfortunately, Muddied Bear Resembled Earthbound, Lamely Lathered Animal.
Ultimately, Many Bees Realized Edward Looked Less Ambivalent.
Ungracefully, My Buddy Rapidly Evacuated, Little Lunch Acquired.
Unfulfilled, Miserable Bear Retreated, Eventually Lowering Locked Arms.
S P I D E R Charlotte's Web
Small Piglet Is Delivered -- Evidently Runt.
Stall Provided Includes Dainty Eight-legged Resident.
"Salutations!" Proclaims Insect Devourer, Extending Regards.
Sadly, Pig's Imperiled. Destiny: Eaten. Revolting!
Slaughterhouse Possibility Is Depressing. Everyone's Repulsed.
"Somehow," Porker Is Determined, "Evade Roasting."
Spider, Pig, Innovative Daughter Enter Relationship.
Salvation Project Initiated, Demanding Energy, Resolve.
Simple Propaganda Is Deterrent, Extremely Reliable.
Spider Panders, Inscribing Doorway Epigrams Regularly.
"Some Pig!" "Incredible!" Declare Early Releases.
Seeking Possible Inscriptions, "Delicious" Easily Rejected.
Stunned People Incredulous, Demand Explanations, Reasons.
"Sensational Press Indeed!" Delighted Editors Report.
Stockshow Proves Irresistible, Draws Everyone's Raves.
Sensational Porker Is Declared Excellent: Ribbon!
Sadly, Protagonist Is Dying, Eggs Released.
Swine Protects Its Delicate Eggs Responsibly.
Springtime: Practically Innumerable Descendants Emerge Rapidly.
Surrogate Papa's Inconsolably Distraught: Everyone's Relocating!
Saddened Pig Is Delighted: Eensies Remain!
STAR WARS Episode 1
as told by Obi Wan Kenobi
Somebody Thought Amidala's Rural World Acquirable, Rapidly Subduable.
So They Acquired Really Wicked Armada, Rather Sizable!
Soon Thereafter, Armed Robots Walked Across Rural Stretches.
Speeding To Amidala's Rescue, We're Arrested, Restrained, Sentenced.
Smashing Through All Resistance, We Abscond, Retribution Sidestepped.
Sneaking Through Arboreal Region, We Accidentally Rescue Someone.
Stranger Tells About Really Weird Aquarians Residing Somewhere.
Seamen Told About Raiders Want Aliens Repelled Soon.
"Send To Amidala Regards, We'll Assist," Responds Sovereign.
Shortcut To Amidala Reported: We'll Attempt Running Swiftly.
Seems There's A Rather Watery Approach, Requiring Submarine.
Surfacing, The Aquanauts Realize War's Already Run Sour.
Sadly, The Agrarian Resistance Was Amazingly Ruthlessly Slaughtered.
Servicemen Turned Around, Running, Without Always Reaching Safety.
Spreading Their Arms Really Wide, Amidala's Recruits Surrendered.
Soon The Agressors Rejoiced: "What A Rout. Splendid!"
Showing Trepidation, Amidala Retreats With Advisors, Reaching Spaceport.
Snatching Transportation, Amidala's Retinue Whisks Away, Reaching Space.
Slipping Through Armada Requires Wits, Acumen, Real Stealth.
Seeking To Attain Reinforcements, We'll Approach Regional Senate.
Senate Treaty Allows Requesting War Assistance, Rallying Support.
Space Travel's Actually Routine: We'll Arrive Real Soon.
Suddenly, There's A Rumble! What A Rotten Situation!
Seems That Amidala's Runabout Will Apparently Require Servicing.
Seeing Tattooine's A Relief: We'll Acquire Repairs Soon.
Stranded. Tattooine's A Real Wasteland, A Repulsive Stinkhole.
Ship's Thrusters Are Ruined. We Aren't Really Spaceworthy.
Servant Tending Amidala's Reassigned: Will Accompany Repair Seekers.
Sent To Acquire Replacements, We Approach Reputable Salesman.
Slave Talks About Racing With Aircraft, Repairing Ships.
Smitten Tyke Approaches Royal Woman Attendant Rather Shyly.
Seems The Attendant Really Was Amidala (Routine Sham).
She's Taken Also, Requests We Acquire Runty Slaveboy.
Sadly, The Alien Requires We Advance "Real" Shekels.
Still, There's A Resource, We Argue: Reparable Spacecraft.
See, There's A Race; Wagering Allows Resourcing Shuttle.
So The Alien Responds, Wagering All Repairs, Slave.
Seems This Anakin Runt Was Actually Rather Something.
Sometimes Things Actually Run Well. Anakin Reigns Supreme!
Soon Traveling Again, Rejoicing, We're Apprehensive Regarding Senate.
Sometimes They Are Real Wimps And React Slowly.
Speaking To Attendant Representatives, We Aren't Rallying Support.
Strangely, They All Respond: "What A Rotten Shame."
Stinks That Amidala's Requests Were All Rebuffed Swiftly.
So Then Amidala Returns Without Any Real Success.
Still, The Allies Regroup: Watermen, Arboreals, Royal Soldiers.
Sacrificing Their All, Resistance Weathers A Real Shellacking.
Since The Army's Robotic, We Attack Robots' Spaceship.
Somehow, Tiny Anakin Rapidly Wrecks Atomic Reactor: SWOOOSH!
Soon The Alliance Rallies, Wrecking Army: Rusting Scrap.
A friend sent me this list:
Automobile Acronyms
AUDI: Accelerates Under Demonic Influence. BMW: Brutal Money Waster. BUICK: Big Ugly Indestructible Car Killer. CHEVROLET: Cheap, Hardly Efficient, Virtually Runs On Luck Every Time. DODGE: Drips Oil, Drops Grease Everywhere. FIAT: Failed Italian Automotive Technology. FORD: Fast Only Rolling Downhill. GMC: Garage Man`s Companion. HONDA: Had One, Never Did Again. HYUNDAI: Hope You Understand Nothing's Driveable And Inexpensive. MAZDA: Most Always Zipping Dangerously Along. OLDSMOBILE: Overpriced, Leisurely Driven Sedan Made Of Buick`s Irregular Leftover Equipment. SAAB: Send Another Automobile Back. TOYOTA: Too Often Yankees Overprice This Auto. VOLVO: Very Odd Looking Vehicular Object. VW: Virtually Worthless.
The following were NOT on the list my friend sent, so (being the Acros King) I went ahead and added them:
CHRYSLER: Car's Hardly Reliable; You Should Learn, Expect Recalls. CITROEN: Car Is Thoroughly Rotten, Overhaul Every Night. DAIHATSU: Delivers All It Has And Then Stalls, Usually. JAGUAR: Just Another Guzzler, Use Another Refill? KIA: Keep It Away! LAMBORGHINI: Leave At Mechanic's And Break Out Running Gear, Hiking Is Now In! LINCOLN: Linkage Is Nasty Creator Of Loud Noises. MERCURY: Miserably Expensive, Requiring Constant Upkeep, Ruining You. MITSUBISHI: Mine's In The Shop Usually Because It Sucks Hard Indeed. PONTIAC: Possessed Of Notion That It's A Car. or Plan On Next Trip In A Cab. PORSCHE: Pollutes Often, Regularly Spewing Cancerous Hydrocarbons Everywhere. ROLLS ROYCE: Repairs Often Leech Large Sums: Remortgaging Of Your Chalet's Expected. SAAB: Slow Acceleration And Braking. SATURN: Snails And Turtles Usually Rapider Normally. SIMCA: Sorry It's Mine, Car's Abandoned. SUBARU: Suffered Ultimate Breakdown And Requires Unction. VOLKSWAGEN: Vehicle Offers Loud Knocking Sounds, Will Always Generate Engine Noise. VOLVO: Vastly Overpriced, Loses Value Overnight.
