1. Buzzards - They have an interesting concept of charity -- "You die. We'll eat you."
2. Cats - Basically useless animals, they expect us to fulfill their every desire. Still, no matter what we provide them, it's not good enough.
3. Chameleons - These lizards change their colors as often as is necessary in order to fool their audience.
4. Chickens - Secure in the knowledge that the farmer is taking care of them, chickens spend their whole lives producing eggs. Yet there never seem to be very many young around....
5. Chimpanzees - We throw peanuts to them: they throw their crap at us.
6. Cowbirds - Momma Cowbird lays an egg in the nest of other unsuspecting parents-to-be, who then wind up feeding the thing, usually to the detriment of their own young.
7. Crocodiles - Always trying to pass themselves off as alligators, these bleeding-hearts cry over the injustice of your fate even as they eat you.
8. Cuckoos - Mother Cuckoo pulls the same trick as Mother Cowbird (q.v.). But to add injury to insult, the baby cuckoo throws its unhatched foster siblings out of the nest, to shatter on the ground below.
9. Donkeys - Having a strong back, but a weak mind, this beast of burden won't work unless forced to. Originator of the sit-down strike.
10. Great White Sharks - Will swallow anything.
11. Guinea Pigs - The story is that if you pick them up by their tails, their eyes will fall out. Not a pretty sight. So they evolved their tails away, and now expect sympathy from us for their taillessness.
12. Guppies - These fish reduce competition for scarce aquarium resources by eating their own young. Nuff said.
13. Hamsters - The ultimate bureaucrats, these critters spend hours spinning their wheels, getting nowhere, achieving nothing, yet get a great sense of accomplishment from it.
14. Hermit Crabs - Depend on others to provide them housing.
15. Hummingbirds - Don't know the words. Don't wanna know the words. Hey man, you wanna talk to me, learn my language!
16. Koalas - These animals pass themselves off as bears, but are in fact totally unrelated. Due to being constantly high on eucalyptus, koalas have absolutely no natural defenses, and depend on human laws for their only protection.
17. Lemmings - Taking "Follow-the-Leader" to extremes, whole populations of these animals have willingly allowed themselves to get soaked.
18. Llamas - Would as soon spit in your face as give you an honest day's labor.
19. Mountain Lions - Despite their preference for the less offensive "cougar" or "puma," they're still chicken thieves.
20. Northern Spotted Owls - Although human teenagers are quite comfortable in the back seats of subcompacts, these birds require 50,000 forested acres to mate.
21. Opossums - Resisting all attempts to be absorbed into mainstream American life, opossums are the only marsupials among the zillions of species native to this continent.
22. Ostriches - Stick their heads in the sand and figure everything will be okay if they just don't address the problem.
23. Parakeets - You can repeat "Pretty Baby" until you're blue in the face -- they will never say it. However, cuss once in their presence, and they'll have it down pat!
24. Pigeons - Objecting strenuously to attempts to establish a home for homeless homing pigeons, this species spends much of its time panhandling in public parks and fouling statuary.
25. Rabbits - In a major feminist victory, a pregnant doe can reabsorb her unborn young if giving birth is currently undesirable. Free abortion on demand!
26. Ruminants - You know: cows, oxen, bison, etc. Generally not very bright, easily annoyed, and having a certain air about them, they have to digest everything four times before they pass final judgment. Even then, it's just so much BS and hot air in the end.
27. Saint Bernards - Known for giving brandy to people caught in deep snow, despite scientific evidence that alcohol lowers the body temperature. But hey, their intentions are good.
28. Sea Horses - In feminism's greatest victory in recorded history, the male carries the fertilized eggs and gives birth: the female is free to go knock up some other poor fellow.
29. Skunks - P.C. animals that raise a stink over every little transgression, real or imagined.
30. Sloths - The last word in tree-huggers, skeletal remains have been found still clinging to their branch. These creatures may spend their entire lives in a single tree -- eating, sleeping, and mating there. They are even known to grow mold and moss in their fur to blend in better.
31. Squirrels - Complain that you are taking food from their mouths when you let blue jays eat from your bird feeder.
32. Tapeworms - Demanding limitless "contributions" from hardworking animals, these parasites offer absolutely nothing in return. Once entrenched in the system, they are difficult to expel.
33. Unicorns - The horns of these beasts are said to offer the cure to all the world's ailments. Too bad they're fictitious.
34. Vampire Bats - No explanations necessary.
35. Viruses - They don't want to be cured, just understood.
36. Whales - The lack of personal responsibility for their own actions is exemplified by the way members of this species throw themselves onto beaches or get themselves trapped in pack ice, then expect us to bail them out.
37. Yellow-Bellied Sapsuckers - The name says it all: "doubly gullible draft-dodgers."
38. Zebras - They have been debating the issue for decades: "Are we black with white stripes, or white with black stripes?" In the meantime, not a one has won the Kentucky derby.
