I don't recall when, as a child, I began to doubt Santa's existence, but I recall quite well when I understood that he is very real: I was 23 and dating the girl who would become my wife, and Christmas was approaching. She had on her list of desires something which she knew I would never get her, due to a difference in tastes. For me to get it would be very out of character. Nonetheless, I bought it for her because I knew she would enjoy it. However, she received it from Santa, along with other gifts from me.
Since then, we have married and had children. We now use Santa to give our boys the things they want so badly that we have told them time and again we would not or could not get them, as well as to give them things we want them to have. Santa is a way for us to indulge our children -- and each other -- in some of those things that we would rather not or normally not give them.
We know that children are not stupid. When he was five, my younger son asked about all the Santas clearly visible in all the malls and on so many street corners: How could he be inside two malls at once? How could he be in the mall and on the corner at the same time?
I explained to both of my sons that Santa Claus, the one true Saint Nicholas, lived hundreds of years ago, and is remembered for his spirit of giving and goodwill and his kindness to children in particular. I told them how the name Santa Claus comes from Saint Nicholas, and is apparently a slurred or shortened version of the Dutch name Sint Nicolaas or the German Sankt Nikolaus. I also explained that, like all humans, he was mortal and died hundreds of years ago, but that his spirit lives on, and each year the spirit of Saint Nicholas enters many of us, encouraging us to give of ourselves to those we love and those in need.
I told my sons that sometimes, the spirit is so strong in a person that he dons the suit we associate with Santa. He may not be the Santa Claus, but he certainly is Santa Claus. He accepts the rôle for the season to bring cheer, to collect gifts to distribute, and to encourage us all to remember and to help those in need.
Santa Claus has many helpers besides these "subordinate" Clauses and not all of his elves are at the North Pole. Many groups, from churches to the Marine Corps, gather food, clothing, household necessities, and toys for him to bring to people who might otherwise have little or nothing to celebrate on Christmas morning. These groups depend upon people like us to provide these items, and this is why we take tags from the Angel Tree and buy things that we put into the Santa's Helpers box. In fact, we have developed a rule here: no one sits on Santa's lap until they have served as an elf and filled an Angel Tree request. The boys actually do look forward to selecting an Angel -- male or female, child or elderly -- and are very thoughtful over fulfilling the requests on their cards.
Finally, on December 25th, somewhere, some lucky Santa actually does distribute these gifts to the people who need or want or deserve them. He may have been Mr. Jones the day before, and will be again the next day, but on Christmas, he truly is Santa Claus. Someday, if they are fortunate, my own children will also have the opportunity to be Santa Claus.
I don't know if the boys have realized that Mom and Dad are their personal Santa, but if they do, I think they understand that we are not lying to them or trying to fool them: they know that Santa is the spirit of giving, and that Christmas is not all about getting.
When did I stop believing in Santa Claus? I really don't know. It wasn't important. What I remember is when I started believing.
