MASH'S THRASHES

RICHARD MARX- "Keep Coming Back" Herpes, Yeast Infections, Ahelete's Foot, Jock Itch and Richard Marx are all united in the category of unwanted things that keep coming back.

RIGHT SAID FRED- "I'm Too Sexy" I'm too sexy to have an opinion on this record.

KMFDM- "Sex on the Flag" I gained about 80% more respect for these guys when I learned the theory that the first two initials were "Kill Mother" and the last two were "Depeche Mode." Upon hearing the title of this single, I was eager to hear them push the First Amendment rights beyond Jesse Helms' wildest imagination. However, upon actually hearing the track, I tend to think that limiting freedom of expression isn't such a bad idea after all.

DEPECHE MODE- "Death's Door" As Fred Schneider once said; "Knock a little louder, sugar!" (This was before any suicide attempts by band members)

REAL LIFE "God Tonight"--If I was God tonight, or if someone would "Send Me An Angel," I'd give these guys a permanent case of laryngitis and prevent them from putting out any more crappy singles like this.

DURAN DURAN "Violence of Summer"--The real violence of summer will come when I crack a boombox in half over my knee next time I hear this song on the radio.

GENE LOVES JEZEBEL "Jealous"--Jealous I'm not. Thouroughly uninventive wankiness with lyrics that make Axl Rose look like Shakespeare and a musical arrangement that makes Erasure look like the London Philharmonic.

SOHO "Hippychick"--Allright, hippychicks they may not be, annoying, grating, nauseating yes, but hippychicks, no.

CONCRETE BLONDE "Joey"--Is it Heart, or is it Memorex?

P.M. DAWN "I'd Die Without You" -- Please, pleeeeeease...whoever "you" are...If you'd just leave that overweight pseudo-hippie slob for just a day or two there's a lot of money in it for you!

DURAN DURAN "Ordinary World" This is an ordinary song, played too many times on ordinary radio stations, Simon LeBon has an ordinary voice, the music is nothing more than ordinary...anyone have some extra-strength Tylenol?

BOY GEORGE "The Crying Game" -- So you're wondering about the surprising plot twist that everyone is talking about? Well here it is...a balding singer with a crappy voice who used to cross-dress and do heroin sings the mediocre title track and resurrects his career. God, these movies are getting less and less believable all the time!

WHITNEY HOUSTON "I Have Nothing" Yeah, right!