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*UPDATE*UPDATE*UPDATE*UPDATE*
November 2001
Our son Geoffrey has come home after mysteriously disappearing ten months ago. Our prayers have been answered, he is safe!
Thank you for your continued support. Sincerely, The Estes Family
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LOVE WAITS 2
(A mother's journal)
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Welcome:
To those of you who know me and my family, I thank you for taking the time to view our website and information. For guests whom I have not yet had the pleasure of meeting, this page is a journal which I am keeping during the duration of our teenage son's dissapearance. Either way, I thank you for your support in hopes to better understand this difficult time in my life. I am hoping by adding more and more passages to this journal, it will act as a form of therapy not only for myself, but perhaps too for others who may be experiencing a similar situation.
Not only is our immediate family struggling with the massive chaos surrounding our MISSING son, but also our extended family and friends hurt as well. I am hoping this page might help keep everyone posted on any new information and/or leads as they change between phone chats.
Through my writings, in time, I hope to be able to see how far I have come from the seemingly endless anguish I can only hope some day to conquer.
...Perhaps that will be possible.. when our MISSING son is found.
Sincerely, Dustwaits
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"The Ocean"
My Place to Find Peace In Endless Fury
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During the past 120+ days of tourment while our youngest son has been MISSING, I've had to dig deep within myself to find any sort of calmness, serenity or inner peace. Motherhood and life have taught me, stress can be a serious debilitating factor perhaps even kill a spirit or soul, so I've tried desperately to find a way to take an occasional break from the ongoing search and heartaches when a family member is MISSING.
Balancing momentary 'time out' with all the work and guilt that lurks, is a difficult challenge to accept, though a very important thing for me to do for "me". Time for me as a person to somehow find a way to momentarily slip away from being the anguished and hurt mother. Time for "me" an occasional vibrant person, a loving wife, a daughter myself, a sister, a person who fights for so much positivity in life. I admit I am occasionally very stubborn, and I think that is a good asset to hold just now, through this hard time of my life. I absolutely refuse to give up hope, or searching new leads or ideas. I do not intend to give up the slight possibility that somehow, someday to find a way to accept the changes that have uncontrollably changed in my life.
I've gone through fits of anger wondering why a teenage son would dissapear and not call home to check in. I've gone through fits of fury when after three months of him not coming home to sleep in his room, or just hang out as he would often do here at home, I actually stripped his room completely of his personal belongings. At first I gently removed his posters from the wall, folded and stacked each one carefully. By the time I took the last one off the wall.. I simply grabbed it with anger and hurled it into a crumpled massive ball. Then I stood there in the somewhat baron room and sobbed. My stomache ached of the lack of his presence in our home. I wondered how I could possibly have done such a thing, to strip the only space left of him.
I prepared to paint the walls, change the carpet and ready the room for my young grandson to utilize while he visited us. But as I made these changes I became mad at myself. I was mad at the situation that we were in. I was hurt. I was torn from saving a space of someone I might never see again, someone who seemingly chose not to be here, yet someone I love, admire, honor, and delighted to share my life with... my son.
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Day 124... Dear Journal,
Today I magically found a way to rekindle the heartwarming relationship with some dear friends. So many times it's easier to be alone, than to share time with others who seemingly can't/don't understand what I've been traumatizing with over the past 127 days while our son has been missing.
Tonight I was able to almost escape, at least for a couple hours. We laughed and reminded each other how truly wonderful it is to share so many new and old stories.. to just kick back and not to be burdened with the whole world of pressures on our shoulders.
It was nice to be the ol' "me" for a few hours. It's so hard to always be worried, so pressured with fears for our missing son, it's made me feel very old. Most times I am obsessed to find some sort of a trail he must have left for us to find.
But tonight with good friends I allowed myself to chuckle, to laugh out loud, and I did it without guilt. Some of the weight seemed to be lifted when friends and I gathered together and talked about nearly everything under the sun.. except for my missing son. It was a nice break.
I know people keep telling me, "Life must go on" but in all honesty, it's so terribly hard to consider, let alone do. All I really want in life, is to be able to protect my children, to help them through life.. life which I gave them.. life which I want so desperately to share with them.
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Dear Journal, Dear MISSING Son,
I feel, in my heart, a deep loss. I'm not sure whether it is because something tragic has happened to end your life.. or just a loss because I can not find you to share your life. It's hard to know anything is for sure anymore.
I keep contacting more authorities in hopes to find your trail, with no new information or leads as yet.
I can't help but wonder: Are you there, still out there in this big world fending for yourself alone? Surely if you are still ALIVE you want our help, don't you? How can I possibly ever learn to deal with the fact you may not want us in your life? Why can't I feel your presence in my heart, in my soul?
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Dear Journal,
When my son was very young (4 yrs old in photo) I cradled him to sleep each night just as I had done with all my other children the Lord blessed us with. I sang songs of comfort, shared the love of protection with him, and I suppose I prepared him well for the time his wings would take him elsewhere in life.
IF he chose to walk away from his family, I could feel blessed he was so prepared. Uknowing is so hard. The possibility still remains that someone forced him away... or has done harm to him. I will never stop searching in hopes to find him safe some day.
There is much confusion in my life now. Anger, love, fear, torn, and so much more. I have questioned everything I ever thought I believed in, since his dissapearance. I find it hard to eat, to sleep and those are just the obvious emotions that rage within me. But I also find it hard to know who I am anymore. I no longer care if I am Ms Polite at the grocery store or in traffic, I no longer want to be Wonder Woman and handle things on my own regardless of how prepared I am or not. Now I find myself leaning on friends and aquaintences, I find myself putting things off until tomorrow, I find myself in a quarry of confusion and disbelief that a son, who is loved so much, can just up and dissapear on his own accord without contacting home as he used to.
I guess all I really need now, is just to know if my son is alive and how I can possibly help him. After all, I am "Mom" I'm supposed to be able to help.. yet right now I seemingly can't do anything for our son. That hurts me so much even the tears seldom flow anymore.
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Dear MISSING,
Just as I wanted to help you when you were younger, I still want to give that love and support to you now. Though you most certainly are no longer a little boy, you are still my son and that will remain for as long as both you and I survive.
XO MOM
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"Sometimes I feel like I am turning into stone.. pushing all my emotions away. If I give into one emotion, even a smile or dare a laugh, then my whole strongness will vanish and I will cave in and be nothing at all."
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Day 131... Dear Journal,
Sometimes I wish I could get angry with my son.. instead I am all consumed with worry. How dare I get mad at him for not calling, if indeed he may not have called because he is not able to call?
So many people are angry at him. I think they are angry mostly because they see how our MISSING son has torn us apart emotionally and physically. The ongoing and seemingly unending worries of "what if's" have broken me and our family apart in so many ways... I just hope we can all find the strength to hang on together, as a family.. until we know something, anything for sure.
As much as I try to keep my mind focused on other things.. it always comes down to this gray cloud, like a really heavy weight keeping us worried all the time.
I guess to me.. anger just seems like a waste of energy.. energy that could be much better appreciated and better utilized.
I guess perhaps appreciation, diversion, understanding, and support are what we truly need to feel the most from people we know.. not anger. Please try to understand, we just don't have any room for anger in our lives right now.
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Other LoveWaits Links
LoveWaits4 Help find other missing loved ones
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Day 137, Dear Journal:
Our situation has just been explained to me in a much different way than I've ever considered before. Our MISSING son might not be running away.. he might indeed be running "to" something else he seeks in life. In which case I shouldn't be so harsh on myself perhaps. Though most days I do fairly well trying the best I can to balance life while worries persist for our son, things can and do change in the blink of an eye. We still have no clue if he's been taken advantage of, whether he is safe of not, but in this new light it just might be some other force that drew him away from us (his family) instead of his actual desire not to be with us.. which we received as so hurtful to us personally. Maybe at this point in his life, he is just more concerned to seek new things in his life. It surely doesn't explain the silence which continues, but it helps to lessen the blow of hurt that we felt if he has run away.
Oh if we could only hear something.. anything. Anything is better than all this dreadful silence we contend with in our lives of worry.
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*Last note: Dear Journal,
I've lost count how many days it has been since our son disappeared, I do know it's over 6 months. I've taken many positive steps since I started this journal. And I am proud to announce the beginning of "LOVEWAITS" a support center for families with missing children, located in Indianapolis Indiana, also on the web at: " LoveWaits3,
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Please email any suggestions and/or comments...
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