Chronicles of the Journey  

Welcome dear ones to the poetry section of this website.  Through it, I open the door of my heart for you to peer into the ongoing work of God in my life throughout the past 23 years.  It all started with a hunger for truth, a desire to get my hands on anything that was real, and a couple of poems that I hung on to from those early days as a new believer. With each entry you will find a poem expressing where I was at during that particular season, and a little insight about that time directly following it.  These are very personal pages, and perhaps you are not interested in one woman's journey.  That is quite alright.  However, if you would like to come along the dusty road of this pilgrim in progress, I invite you to read on, and welcome any comments or additional insights. May the richness and joy of our Lord Jesus Christ fill you continually on your own journey.

Click on the button to go to the poem named:

Willingness	New Eyes	War Against Duplicity	For The Love of Light	Spirit of Christmas Past
Tenderized	Aftermath	Under The Boardwalk	The Bridge is Out	Out of the Shadows
Fruit of Trust	Unfolding	More of Steph's Poetry

December, 1974

Willingness    
By Stephanie Bennett

This was the start. The beginning of a new life, in Christ, where I learned at the feet of the Good Shepherd, what it meant for Him to be "in charge." What a caring Shepherd, --always there, always tending, feeding and nurturing me. . . yet never without the ongoing work of the cross  which He seemed to apply relentlessly to my ego-centered flesh.

It was during these early days with the 15 to 20 other young Christians on campus that we learned about "Body Life." No one had cars, there were no chapel services,  pastors or teachings-- we only had each other, the Holy Scriptures, and Jesus Christ. You may think we were at a disadvantage -- many did -- but in fact, what we did not have caused us to lean on Him as our living reality.

Growing up in Christ was glorious! We had close, intimate relationships with each other, and we learned from each other as well as the Lord. However, as beautiful and caring as these relationships were,"the cross" was always present, because we could not turn away from each other when things got strained.  (How can you turn away from anyone who is literally a part of who you are . . . together we were one!) This "willingness," to relate and love and forgive (which God taught us from the start) was the earliest understanding of abandonment to His purposes that I knew. Little did I know how deep and far He would go in His work in my heart. Now, 23 years later, there is still so much to grow in the way of "willingness," but no matter what, the Spirit of God carries us through.

October 1976

New Eyes    

By Stephanie Bennett

dabbled on an open canvas

by the Master Painter

-- streaked

with passing clouds.

. . .On a blustery day

Jesus speaks to me

through the wind,

and I love Him.

###

With every passing week and month of my new life in Christ, I saw His mark and touch in the world more clearly. I began to see just how much all of this world is HIS creation! Remember the old song, "I can see clearly now... the rain is gone."? Well, that is precisely what happened! Instead of wallowing in the melancholic personality that I had been born with, now hope and optimism were a part of my life. It was an unexplainable hope, because the world around me was so dark. It was an inexplicable joy & optimism because I knew life was short and so often filled with pain.  Surely it was the Presence of the Lord!  

 Even though close relationships in the gathering of believers on campus often challenged me, there was such an over-riding and overwhelming sense of "Him," that most of the time I couldn't help feeling drenched in joy!  I remember the day I penned the words of this little poem.  Sitting on a big ol' rock in Pennsylvania, just watching the clouds waft gracefully along, I was struck with the fact that God, --the GOD OF THE UNIVERSE -- created this majestic planet, and now this same God lived in me.  WOW!   I couldn't help thinking that death and evil were puny things compared to His grandeur.  It occurred to me that as much as crime, pain & sin were a part of this tired old world, (ie. all my reasons for hopelessness and pessimism), with one look at the big, beautiful sky I could only see His overwhelming pre-eminence.  It amazed me that in the midst of the thousands of changes that go on in everyday life, the sky was the same sky that God created in the very beginning, and it was still intact & just as beautiful-- it was changeless. Additionally, I was struck by the fact that all of the artists who tried to capture the beauty of the sky with oil paint or water colors,-- you know, the perfect shade of blue, the fluidity of the clouds, . . . were really just copyists, and that the Lord God of Heaven and Earth was the only true Artist. It was He alone that painted the original!  In fact, He came up with the very idea of a sky in the first place!  Now this same sky, and everything else I looked upon was viewed with new eyes. Life was glorious!

War Against Duplicity    
By Stephanie Bennett

Wow, that 's quite a leap.  Where did the last twenty years go?  I was busy.  --Real busy serving the Lord.  I learned . . . a lot in nearly two decades, and  although I regret none of it, but I can't tell you that in some ways it felt like I got sidetracked. Working hard for the Lord and struggling to make sure He had His way was what brought me to the exasperated point that you may sense in War Against Duplicity. You see, "truth" was always so important to me. The search for it is what led me to Jesus Christ in the first place. As I searched for it, little did I know that it was embodied in a person, Jesus Christ, Himself, but when I asked Him to reveal Himself to me in 1974 I saw Truth for the first time.  After that, nothing else would do.  No substitutes. Then, however, I moved from Pennsylvania to New Jersey, and after the glorious, organic, rich, "shared life" experience with other believers, I expected to find others of like mind in my new neighborhood, or county, or state. . . no dice. There were no other such gatherings to be found.  I didn't know where to turn for fellowship, but I knew that God didn't mean for believers to be by ourselves for any extended length of time.  So, I found a little church. . . a non-traditional place, (or so I thought) and, I fit myself in.  Then, after almost 20 years of working diligently within the walls and the traditions of evangelical Christianity, I saw that Truth would have to be compromised if I planned to stay within those walls.  It was a  sticky position to be in. Never before had I allowed traditions or the various ways of meeting to have the power to divide me from the Body of Christ, so I remained in those traditions. And for so long, in spite of my opinions, study, experience and desires, I continued to "play by the rules" of modern Christianity.  My reasoning was that if everyone lived to their own opinions or desires there would be a different church for each believer. It's bad enough that there's a different church on every street corner.  I don't believe that's what our Father intended for His beautiful Bride..  

The common ground for fellowship could never be doctrines, opinions or feelings.  The only true ground for fellowship is Christ.  Jesus Christ the Lord!  So, as you must see, the leaving was incredibly difficult.  The people were important to me, the sense of being "the body of Christ," "the Corporate Expression of Christ on Earth..." Gosh, it was a great and glorious call to be a part, and I didn't take it lightly. The people were treasures. I considered them family, and thought they considered me family too.  I mean, doesn't the Bible clearly treat the church as a family... one people knit together in love?  I thought that since scripture said we are "free in Christ," that it was actually true, and even if the leaving  each other meant experiencing a sort of sorrow of departure, we would still by all means be "family." Wrong. That wasn't the case. After leaving the institutional non-denom, evangelical church we were at, my "bubble" was burst even further, and I saw that what was being passed off as the Church of Jesus Christ, was really more like a social club, or a business. Man, it hurt. A business? How could I have invested so much time, energy and money in an effort that seemed so noble and godly, but in fact was the sum of one man's "vision?" Yuk.  But I'm not the first person to be misled and hurt, or the last, and I thank God, that through it all, He has been faithful. As a matter of fact, it was really God's mercy, for if the ordeal hadn't been so ugly, and the truth been so masked, I might still be there, stuck in the machine of man's striving! But praise the Lord, the Truth never died.  The "Truth" is alive, and He is still a person. His name is Jesus Christ, and I praise Him for the mercy and strength He has provided to pull us through.

August 1995

For The Love of Light  

By Stephanie Bennett

Truth

seeping into my being

like ointment into a bruise,

revealing the long-awaited dream

of a destiny

that is fluid and does not conform.

--filtering through a screen

of distorted learning,

clogged by paint

and the encrusted shade of death.

But Truth

is still truth

even though the seeing may be skewed.

Feasting on the flavors of it's

overwhelming abundance,

I eat. . . I drink,

taking in all that I can until it must digest

So though I am parched,

a small soul

who fin'lly found lush oasis,

I force my spirit

not to be a glut

until the Light already imbibed

is processed,

and mine.

###

Have you ever refinished a piece of furniture?  Maybe you picked it up at a neighborhood garage sale and decided to find out if there was anything underneath to make it worth keeping.  When you spent the 2 or 3 dollars on the old black, heavily varnished piece of "junk", indeed you hoped there would be something beautiful underneath all those layers of paint, but you really didn't know. So the stripping process began, and low and behold, by the time it was completely done, you had a gorgeous old cherry telephone table.  Tell me now, when you pass that thing in the hall don't you just smile every time?  Don't you at least look twice and think to yourself, "I'm glad I took the time to scrape off those layers of gunk?"  Well, you may be reading this and never have experienced that sort of lengthy, laborious process, but if you had, surely you'd understand that sense of satisfaction. It is the same when we allow God to strip away the extraneous layers of religion and flesh that cover our soul and cloud our sight.  

When God finished the first round of major stripping that He did to my flesh (or was it the 15th round?) I just wanted to drink in and be completely absorbed in  Him.  I wanted to learn and take in all the fullness of what He offered in limitless measure.  Unfortunately, we humans can only take in so much and then it needs to be processed. When drink to capacity and the excess just runs over. . . like pouring three cups of orange juice into a 1 cup container.   Just like food must be digested, and the nutrients then sent to the various body systems, so spiritual food must be processed and digested, otherwise we just throw it up, and it's a waste.

During the period immediately following my departure from the religious system I had to learn to "take it slow."  Normally I could imbibe and digest mass quantities of new information, new light and understanding from the Lord, but now, I had to be content with chewing on small bits, digesting them through meditation and simple abiding in the Lord.  This is particularly difficult for the type-A personality that people say I am, but again, God's faithfulness shone through.  At different times in our lives we must be willing to embrace different ways of learning, and receive from our Lord in which ever manner that He chooses to give.  

Spirit of Christmas Past    

By Stephanie Bennett

Tonight

stars whisper

remembering a time

they nearly fell out of the sky.

With wonder

each brilliant sun

held its breath

awaiting the treasured moment

when time and space would intersect.

And Eternity

forever singing a lonesome cry

would now hum

an Ode to Joy.

Heaven held her breath

and Life was born,

a gift forever giving

no matter what the cost.

And Life appeared

cloaked in childhood

allowing the mystery once hid

to be revealed.

--Amazing how the stars recall

that awesome moment

when trumpets blast,

and the day arrived

when angels danced,

and Truth prevailed.

And Life grew up

to bridge the gap

to heal the broken

empty spot.

And now we mark off time each year

'til the consummation of the Bride

appears.

And the stars still whisper

above the trees

that the Light has come

to set us free.

###

It was nearly six months since our exodus from Egypt.  We were starting to heal.  There was a sense of optimism beginning to emerge and I was finding hope once again in focusing on those things Eternal. Instead of looking from the vantage point of the vast wasteland of disillusionment, my eyes were beginning to focus. Thankfully, they were beginning to get used to the light.

Christmas was approaching and I began to meditate upon the incarnation.  I thought about the stars, specifically "the star" in the East, and imagined what it must have been like for those heavenly bodies to finally see the long-awaited promise appear on the Earth. (Yes I know, they do not have eyes, etc. etc. . . it's just something figurative, a sort of poet thing.  :-)   ). Anyway, here I was, disgruntled and disillusioned over the lack of  visible beauty of the Bride of Christ, and I realized that I wasn't even waiting a quarter of a century!  Imagine how long the Father, the angels, . . . yes even the stars had to "hang in there," to see the Bride emerge!  She was marked off "before the foundation of the Earth," yet  "She" couldn't be revealed at all until the Lord Jesus Christ was revealed.  I knew that my patience was thin and weak, so I borrowed strength from all the holy ones who have gone before, awaiting the beautiful promise of the Son of God's entrance into the world.  Hope was renewed;  I began to breathe more fully again.

Tenderized                                      

By Stephanie Bennett

Words pound upon my face

like rain with no umbrella

pummeling the soft flesh until it is purple

and blue.

There is no mask,

no veil to stave the blows--

only pellets that color me with pain

instead of rouge.

And you wonder why I do not move,

but stay here sprawled in the street

naked

and unamused?

It is a mystery.

A mystery, 'tis true.  

###

Wouldn't it be wonderful if the next step in the journey was an easy one?  Imagine, beginning Christian life in an informal, organic, free-flowing, Jesus-loving community of faith, then, getting stuck in the system, next, finding your way out, and finally getting back into the Bodylife.  Well, that's not how it happened.  There was a "detox" period, and much, much more learning and shedding of the traditions that had barnacled themselves on my hide over the last couple of decades.

The next step was unexpected persecution from the religious organization that I used to call church. We never expected it, because we were already "out" for six months, and we were keeping to ourselves, seeking God.   I thought they might just let me us when they saw that God was leading us out, (you know, out of respect for God) but no. . . not without a fight. However, I was determined that it would be a one-way fight, so I shut up. The slander, the lies, the disgusting accusations. Even though I knew it stemmed from basic insecurity, I had a tough time believing that this type of behavior could come from people who called themselves Christians.  Man, that was hard.  It still is. Often, this is what you get when you take a stand for righteousness.  But  NO MATTER WHAT, you've got to keep focus on one thing, and it's not what people are saying, doing, or thinking. It's not what people unfairly do to you, or say about you that matters.  It's what you do with it, and while it's not easy, it's so very important to run to Jesus and hide yourself in Him rather than stand and explain, seek vindication, try to save others out of deception, try to be understood, or anything. This is where you will become an overcomer. If you are reading these words and find yourself presently in this position, stand, in Him, and let the chips fall where they may. God will do a wonderful thing. 

Without a doubt, doing nothing to fight back causes pain, but have you ever thought of pain as a gift?  Surely it seems like a gift that no one would desire, yet what if as its result there was a new fragrance, a joy in your life that you previously had not known?  What if you recognized that it was actually something given to you to bless you, from the hand of our loving Father?  Why then, . . . then it would be Life,  and it would be  a good, wonderful thing, and not a tragedy.

Living in brokenness is not an easy place to reside, however as we embrace ALL that the Sovereign Lord allows, we begin to see that He purposes all things to work together, for our good.  As we do, the oft-quoted scripture from Romans 8:28 seems to make more sense. "For we know that all things work together for the good of those that love God, and are called according to His purpose."  (Romans 8:28).  You know dear Saints of the living God,  nothing can be accomplished without brokenness.  Nothing.
                                          ###

April 1996

Aftermath      

by Stephanie Bennett

Pitch the tent brother.  It's time to camp for the night.

Perhaps the scent of Spring lilacs will lure us to remain

for more than just one day.

Get the supplies out.  

Start a fire.

What kind of beans tonight?

This is our home my love,

for now, at least.

Do you know the difference between the wilderness

and the desert?  Hmmmn.

Yes.

What did you say?

Oh I know we're still out here,

wandering in this vast expanse

of nothingness,

with only solitude to keep us company,

and a few wild animals.

But they are harmless and do not care much

for human flesh,

and at least it's not parched

here in the wilderness.

-- at least the lush green of the meadow makes a lovely

carpet for wind-torn toes and tired feet.

-- and the fragrance, mmmmm . . .

it's reminiscent

of home.

Its fresh scallion smell

and occasional wild flower-wafting

is better than the sufocating smoke that hangs

in the air

like a bad painting

in the walled in boundaries of the city.

And at least the carnivores have stayed behind

with each other gleefully to torment,

there,

inside the comfortably defined,

interestingly decorated bars

of the city's oldest zoo.

###

Perhaps a little disjointed, maybe even a little french-fried, but coming out of illusion is a harrowing thing. Just as I was exiting, something like scales fell off my eyes.  The realization that had been slowly dawning suddenly became blindingly apparent as I saw in full blazing color that modern evangelicalism almost completely mimicked the world system!  I knew something was wrong while I was "in it," but it wasn't until I left that I really saw the ugly truth!  Like Paul, who was knocked off his horse on the road to "doing the work of God," I was knocked off kilter by the searing truth as it hit me squarely between the eyes.  The boards, committees, hierarchical chain-of-command, and multi-level system of organization operated in full tilt there, replacing the organic, functioning of the Body of Christ that was intended from the first.  People who I once knew as friends began to look like animals, their behavior a bit crazed from being cooped up in the cage of religious programs and hierarchy.  Instead of living free, they survived on over-processed food that was carefully meted out in small, manageable portions.  They convinced themselves that this way of survival was life, but it was actually no more than a limp existence, . . . and some of them even  convinced themselves that they liked it. In actuality they were caged and frenzied, some behaving with such irrationality that they nearly drove each other mad.  Others with such aloofness and resignation from their helpless, imprisoned state, that they appeared more dead than alive.  The scariest thing was that I had been one of them, hunched in a quiet corner, staring out the bars with puppy dog eyes, believing that if I waited long enough, and "believed" hard enough, God would come in and rescue me through the proper order of "my pastoral covering." I had imbibed the cruddy food I was being fed and now I was waiting for more of it. Such a far, far cry from the abundant table that the Lord sets for us in the wilderness.  Oh God! I was oblivious to the entire scene until I stepped out of it. It had insidiously made its way into my mindset! It was here that God added new meaning to the word "saved!"  He rescued me from spending the rest of my days in a second-rate world system that tried to sanction its worldliness by cloaking it in Christian garb and vocabulary. What a sad and piteous realization.

Yes, coming out of Christian City is a frightful thing, and when realization is as stark as it was for me, it can be blinding, and that is obviously very uncomfortable, and very scary.  It takes a little while for our eyes to adjust to the light. In the aftermath I saw things that I needed to see, but it wasn't pretty, and it took a long time for my eyes to adjust.  They are still adjusting to the light.  I wanted to run and hide because the seeing was so . . .difficult. Do you know what it was like?  It was like driving past road-kill. . . a sight that's so hard to stomach. How can you stop and help?  It's over.  The result is just ugly. . . gory, the worst part being that so many who I love are still stuck in the deception.  However, the Lord brings life out of death, light out of darkness, and He who loves my soul caused me to see.  Thank you Lord, for just beyond the seeing was freedom, . . . freedom that is too beautiful for words.  

May 1996

Under The Boardwalk                            

By Stephanie Bennett

Board by board the summer path beneath me is dismantled.

Just as my footing becomes sure again another plank is

mysteriously removed,

and I must watch carefully if I am to continue.

The process is not precarious at the start,

for there are many more boards on the walk

than there are empty spaces.

But relentlessly You continue to dismantle

the footing I know

until I find myself leaping. Absurdity ensues.

The balancing becomes an act, comical if not frightening,

and every step

a witness to my agility,

or lack.

Then waves resound with their rushing noises

and I look around-- huh? . . . just empty spaces.

One step further

and I am falling,

falling into nothingness

until I land on the Earth

just ten feet below.

Rising,

I brush the sand off my clothes and realize

that I am alive

-- the boardwalk was not my true ground,

but something built by man,

a scaffold, it seems, of little worth but to keep

the sand out of my shoes.

So. . .

 know I go 'round barefoot

and step by step

the walk continues;

 My feet breath fine now,

and under those bare,

but happy toes

is the the only path

that's true.

###

What an incredible discovery to find that what you think is reality is nothing but an illusion!  Has this ever happened to you?  Generally these feelings can be found within  the scope of romance, when a heart is broken because one person thought the other was true blue, but found them to be flighty and fickle.  You know the story, someone changes their mind and your world falls a part . . . "But I thought you loved me. . . "  or, "You said, you'd be with me forever!"

Incredible pain and disillusionment comes when we are let down this way, and it is the very same thing in our relationship with God. However, it is never God that "let's us down," or changes His mind about loving us, it is "man", or many times even our own hearts and minds that devise ways to assuage the ache and hunger that can ONLY be filled by our Lord. 

How does this happen?  Many ways-- background and upbringing, mental capacity, education, relationships. All of these things belong in a category called "baggage."  However the illusion begins, one way it continues is when we are taught, and taught, and taught, and taught. . . . and then come to fervently believe that if we follow such and such plan, tithe, study, serve, praise, go to service three times a week, pour into a local body, etc, etc,. . that we are pleasing God. Then we remember that only Jesus Christ pleases God. We discover that these things that we count on (or walk on...) simply do not work, and we find ourselves looking around, muttering, "where is Jesus in the mix of all this stuff? "This little "be-a-good-Christian" formula nixes the Lord right out of life, because through it we are taught to rely on our own understanding, by "following this little plan of evangelism," or these four little laws, or the "Roman Road," or "just listen to the pastor," or "make a commitment to give more," etc, etc, ad infinitum!  The stark realization that it doesn't work, but actually leads either to burn-out, emptiness, pride, or division, well-- it's outright devastating. However, even in the devastation, God uses it all. That is, if we let Him. Unfortunately, when you're staring out your bedroom window in deep depression, questioning what is real and what is not, it is difficult to understand how to let Him use it.  

May I offer a suggestion? The way to learn is through abandonment, and the essential thing is in remembering that He is the only reality in the universe.  That's a broad statement, but true.  I mean, what else is real? Think about it. What else will last? Everything else is merely a picture, or a shadow of the reality of Christ.  Just like a shadow is an illusion that is visible because of the way the sun shines upon something that's tangible, so is everything else in this world a shadow of the only true reality that is Christ. We must get to the place of utter abandonment to the only Reality there is-- Jesus Christ our Lord!  Through letting go of the pain, and laying it at His feet, trusting Him to use it for good, and forgiving those (even yourself) that have caused it, you will get past the devastation.  Personal devastation cannot be blamed on anyone either.  God is the Sovereign King, and devastation is not something that just somehow got past Him.  He allowed in our lives because the Lord wants to teach us that He is our path.  He is our walk.  He is our only Truth.  These things can be a deeply entrenched part of our intellectual belief system, but until we experience Christ as our Path, our Life, our total REALITY, the Spirit of God will continue to work in us to reveal Christ. . . fully.

 The revealing of Christ in our lives, in this deep and experiential way, can only come through the cross. And what is the cross?  Simply the pain, suffering. . yes, even devastation that comes to each of us, and we will never learn a thing until we embrace that cross, and know that through it, we participate in the sufferings of our Lord. 

So ultimately,  it's really okay to find the securities in our lives falling out from beneath our feet. Even though it doesn't feel "nice," or we don't feel like "overcomers" for a season, God is working. We must let Him have His way. This is the way of abandonment.  Yield to the Spirit of the Living God dear sister. Dear brother, it is through the stripping away of these "seeming" securities (people, ideas, money, health. . . you name it, fill in blank _________________of what makes you feel safe and comfortable) that we have the opportunity to learn that Jesus is our only sure footing.  

###

August 1996

The Bridge is Out                            

By Stephanie Bennett

Leaving a particular local church is one thing, but to leave the entire traditional system is yet another.  When we left I grappled with many things, (leaving "my ministry," missing friends, broken relationships, risking slander and a tarnished reputation -- you know, people think you're backslidden,-- etc) but I didn't fully realize that God was soon planning my re-entry into the very thing that I loved and longed for and missed the most-- the organic, ecclesia, community of believers.... yes, the body life of a people who love God and meet under the Headship of Jesus Christ.

Ever since the early days when I emerged from the first four years of living in Christian community, I knew that I knew that I knew that God would bring me back to it, . . . I just didn't know when. I hoped it would be sooner rather than later, but it was not.  "Weeks turned into years. . . how quick they passed. . . " (sorry  :-) ).   Little by little my thoughts and understanding of life in the Body of Christ were assimilated into the traditional church setting. Instead of me affecting them in a positive way toward relational churchlife, they influenced me and I slowly began to take on little robotic church lady idiosyncrasies and religious tics. It was as if I had no choice!  God was not opening ANY doors to the living & organic life of the body, and the traditional Sunday morning type church was the only place I could find other Christians.  HEY! How was I supposed to get fellowship? 

By the time God in fact did start to re-establish organic body life I was almost completely brainwashed by the preceding 18 years!  No kidding.  I had so diligently determined to be a unified member of the local body of Christ that inch by inch I swallowed pieces of the system 'til it made my stomach ache. For the sake of being an "accepted leader and useful servant," I rationalized all kinds of teachings that I knew didn't make spiritual sense, just for the opportunity to share the reality of Jesus Christ with others and for the hope that my "preferring" of others and "deferring" and "submitting" (as unto the Lord) would help build and manifest real unity in the Body. This didn't work. I always cried at home on my bed.  I always felt misunderstood, and people mostly never "saw".  Even when things were going well, there were people who got angry about some of the things I taught about abandonment and worship. In spite of it all, I plugged along in worship ministry, home group leadership, developing Bible studies, etc. . . and there was some fruit.  I always thought, "Well, the misunderstanding and pain is worth it because there is fruit." Praise God for His deliverance! Truly He has added new meaning to the word "saved!" 

Well, you would think that I would be so very ready to flee and just leave all that systematic, hierarchical stuff, but I wasn't.  It was difficult to "give up" teaching, home-group leading and the rest.  I saw it as my purpose in life.. . "my calling."  How could I give up the very thing to which God had called me?  I measured my success by whether or not people were growing in Christ, and my own part in their growth was really important. There was yet some dying to do. God got through to me when I was sleeping because my brain wasn't going a million miles a minute. You see after we were "out" for a year I had a dream.  You just read about it in the last poem.  Until then I kept thinking that I had to keep the bridge open to the traditional church, and all those people because,

#1) I loved them, they are my brothers and sisters, and

#2)what if God somehow called me back and want to "use me" again in a traditional setting?

The dream was a real eye-opener.  I really believe it was from the Lord. Through it I saw that it was truly God who put us on this desolate path, and that just because it's a path that is not heavily trafficked, doesn't mean that I should not stay on it.  

In the dream, on our way back (the brothers and sisters who gather in Brick were all in cars together in the dream) from a conference on prayer or worship or something,-- we stopped at a remote little shop to pick up some goodies for the rest of the journey.  The man at the candy counter informed me that we weren't going to be able to return to where we came from because the bridge was no longer there.  Certain that I didn't hear him correctly, I questioned if there was another way back, and he shook his head. "No, that's the only way, and it's been demolished."  Wow, demolished? Demolished doesn't get repaired very quickly.  When I went back to the car I told them all that there was no way back to the mainland, but at least we had each other and a couple of cars that worked.  We all had peace as the realization that we were out on this long stretch of road with nothing but tumbleweed and an occasional pitstop became apparent, because we knew we were together, and it was good.

When I woke up there was such a resolve and a sense of it being "okay" that the life I had known for nearly 20 years was over.  I had no regrets, no sadness, no sense of loss. . . I realized that it was a part of the journey, a necessary part, but now it was over, O-V-E-R, and the Lord Jesus was leading me on ...in Him.

February 1997

Out of the Shadows                                                      

By Stephanie Bennett

There's a threshold of pain

through which we passed

into which has led innumerable

days of light.

-- glorious light,

light that not only illumes,

light that shatters,

. . . light

that awakens foggy sleepers

from a hazy dream.

And the glory and the light

need no introduction,

even though for years

they have remained in toe shoes

in the shadows

patiently waiting their turn

'til we could receive them center stage.

Hello Glory.

Good morning light.

Welcome home.

###

Freedom is finally starting to have its fuller effect and I am learning what Christ meant when He said that we are "free indeed." "IT WAS FOR FREEDOM THAT CHRIST SET US FREE. . ."Freedom is one of those things that you know intrinsically  (i.e. in your gut!) is "of God," and it is essential, but just like the slaves in the South who learned to live (or exist) without it, Christians have by and large learned to adapt to life without it. We have compensated for the lack of experiential freedom the way a one-legged man compensates for having less than what was intended for him. It's a handicap, a great handicap.  Surely not one that we cannot learn to cope with, but unlike the man who has lost a limb, we have no need to live without freedom.  Christian existence without walking in the freedom that is ours in Christ is little more than survival,  it is not the Christian Life.  It is a far, far cry from what God intended for His people. Our freedom in Christ is precious, so precious, but we Christians are generally so willing to give it away piece by piece that before long we don't even realize that we are enslaved!

The scales that are falling off my eyes have taken many years to encroach upon my sight.  It has been a slow process coming out of the shadows, but a worthwhile one. Meeting in the informal simplicity of our homes, and relating to each other truly as brothers and sisters(Oh God it is so refreshing!)has brought about such a sweetness in all our lives, it's nearly tangible! Sometimes we just laugh and laugh, and we're not even part of the "laughter movement!" :-)

There is joy in the Lord;  there is true joy.  Unfortunately as believers are bogged down with "the Christian Law" put on us by perhaps well-meaning folks, we end up resembling the world more than Christ.  We end up reflecting the dire sadness and hopelessness on our countenances, and we look and behave as if we are a people who have no hope.  This is not only a shame, but a travesty!  Plus, it's completely unnecessary!  We have the Lord!  We are made in His image and can reflect His beauty, joy, love-- all of His wondrous attributes, because we have been set free from the bondage of ourselves, the world, and religion. (you know, "sin and death").  Walk on brother, sister. . . don't be afraid to press through the threshold of pain in coming out of tradition.  There's joy and peace on the other side.  There is the Lord, . . . in His fullness!

February 1997

Fruit of Trust                                                                      

By Stephanie Bennett

Thank you for the cluster

of sweet moments

that  fell into my mouth

like summer grapes

hidden in a grandmother's backyard;

buried

in the thick vines of a garden

not my own.

Had I waited to taste them until all was right

I might never have received their juicy goodness.

But You have taught me to walk through

the muck

and find a way to sing

in the midst

of unsavory stenches.

Oh that I would be taught

and learn

--a more comprehending student I'd become.

Instead of grasping only after years

and years

of the same lessons,

the one lesson,

the only lesson that matters.. .

I might fin'lly learn,

You are all.

###

To finally see informal, organic churchlife established in our home area after so many years and so many experiences is incredibly fulfilling. Had I waited until my "comfort zone" was preserved, this would not be happening.  It is in my nature to want all the "T's" to be crossed, the "I's" dotted, and everyone to be happy and give me their blessing. I didn't get it.  Lost most of my friends.  Reputation got ruined. Credibility as a "spiritual" woman, gone. Shunned.  You name it.  But guess what?  I needed to lose all those things. God was always in control.  Bottom line is trusting Him, and the fruit is sweeter than the sweetest watermelon in July.  

I am so satisfied knowing that God is getting what He's after in this neck of the woods, but the beauty and fruit that's come out of it has been unexpected and is so very wonderful. God never promised it would be easy, and oh my, it hasn't been, but after nearly two years of walking with only a few others there is such a practical, day-to-day joy in relating to each other in this simple, real, way.  When the brothers and sisters kick back, and laugh together, help with each others children, pray, sing to the Lord, share meals, it is truly family. The Lord is in our midst!  

We've all had to lay everything down to be able to receive such a gift from the Lord, but let me tell you. . .  it's worth it.  This is going to be a short paragraph, because it is just too much for words.  You've got to experience it.  Purity, joy, intimacy, hope, reality, faith, JESUS! Oh, thank you Lord!

February 1997

Unfolding        

By Stephanie Bennett

Throughout history,

the One who made us

has been reaching out in love.

--calling forth,

a people, to dwell in Him

in realms above.

And the Lord is unfolding

His purpose in the Earth.

There's a Bride He's beholding

in His heart from the very first.

And the Lord

is all that She desires

--her life, hid in Christ's holy fire

is burning

in the heart of the Father

forevermore.

It's burning

in the heart of this Girl

forevermore.

###

That brings us to today, May1997, and the brothers and sisters who meet in Brick under the headship of the Lord Jesus Christ.  We are doing well. Jesus is our shepherd, our teacher, our Lord.  There are no official teachers in the group, no pastors, no administrators who function in any title or position, and it is glorious!  We are all on an even plane where our main job is to love one another. And that's not too hard as long as we keep our eyes on our Lord instead of each other!  As we learn together what it means to let the Lord be the Head of the Church we are each experiencing new freedom and joy in the Lord. Now that the burden and weight of responsibility for the church is off of us,  we can give more attention to loving God and letting His life flow through us in everyday living!

Anytime any of us feels ourselves taking that weight back on, we discuss it, and just place it once again at the feet of our Lord.  There is major accountability in this relational church life, and growth that is real, but it is not about numbers, or how many people get saved in a month, how many programs we can get going, who's going to preach this week, or what it looks like to other believers.  It is about Jesus Christ, and God our Father.  It is about watching Him move in our midst to accomplish what He is after in each of our lives, and the life and expression of His Church.  And what about pursuing Truth? Well, everyday He sits in the very center of our daily lives, urging us on toward love and kindness, helpfulness and hope.  He is in our midst, our Holy and awesome Lord Jesus Christ, each day unfolding more the riches and knowledge of Himself into the Body.  

We all look forward to that day when the unfolding will be complete, and Body of Christ will be inexplicably joined to our Lord, and the Bride and Lamb will be in perfection and total union. The Lord is unfolding His purpose in each of our lives, and together we are walking in the purpose of His heart. . . to be together, one body, one people, set a part for Him, one day to see Him face to face, and to know Him as we have been fully known.... His Bride, the consummation and fulfillment of His purpose on Earth.  And on that final  day, when He whispers her Name on the wind, and we, all together, in Him, from every age and every race, adorned with His purity and His beauty and His Presence. . . we will walk, full of His grace and splendor down the heavenly aisle and be joined to our Lord in completeness. . . The Bride and the Lamb. . . together for Eternity.  Christ our ALL, in ALL.       

###

A sprinkling of encouraging scripture verses (but don't take them out of context!)

1 John 2: 27  1 John 2: 10  Hebrews 13: 1-6  Matthew 23 1 Peter 1: 22-23

Ephesians 5: 25-27  Ephesians 4: 14 -16 Proverbs 3: 5,6  Psalm 27

If you would like to learn more about the church life in this part of New Jersey, or check out a recommended reading list to find out more about other's thoughts on the church life, click on one of the links at the bottom of this page.

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Revised:  March 14, 1998