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Don't call them Mr. Moms.
Try stay-at-home dads.
By Zandy Dudiak, Staff writer ~ Gateway Newspapers
Although they only met a few months ago, Michael Roediger, 36, of Churchill and Keith Born, 46, of Murrysville have a lot in common. They were successful in their careers - Roediger as a fund-raiser for Carnegie Mellon University and Born as an accountant with a real estate development company. Their concept of what work is changed with the birth of their sons, Richard Roediger and Xander Born, who both are now about 1 1/2.
Roediger and his wife knew they wanted Richard brought up in their care, not in day care or by a stranger. Born and his wife felt the same. Since their wives also have successful careers, it was just a matter of which parent would be the breadwinner and which would be the child-care giver. In both cases, the men decided to face life as a stay-at-home parent, as their mothers had done for them.
"I never thought I'd be a stay-at-home dad," admits Born. The choice was made easier, he says, because his wife, a computer programmer analyst, had more to lose if she left a field that changes constantly. And they decided he has more patience.
"It was really hard because I liked my career," says Roediger. But with his wife's job demands, the fact he traveled extensively, combined with no family in the area to help with child care, the Roedigers saw no alternative other than for him to quit work.
The first months and first year were "hard" and "grueling," the men say, as they dealt with the demanding work of raising a baby and adjusting to not being in the workforce.
"I knew when I decided to stay home, I'd feel isolated," says Roediger. "Richard is fun to be with but I missed talking to people."
A friend gave Roediger an article from the Dayton Daily News about a stay-at-home father group. That gave him the idea to start East Pittsburgh Stay-At-Home Dads.
In October, he ran an ad in the Pennysaver, seeking stay-at-home dads to share their experiences, learn from each other, provide support and resources, and have fun with other dads and their children. Born was one of those who responded.
Because Pittsburgh tends to be a traditional area, stay-at-home fathers are not as common as in other East Coast cities. What made it harder for Roediger and Born was they were both relatively new to the area, without the built-in network of friends and relatives who might make being a stay-at-home parent less lonely. "It's kind of like you meet people at work - and we're not working," says Roediger. Born agrees, noting that the neighborhood stay-at-home moms aren't likely candidates for friendship and companionship.
Although they are doing the same jobs, because of gender differences they also have different interests. "How to redecorate a living room has not crossed my mind," says Born, smiling. "Probably you're just not going to get close to women staying at home."
The choice to be home for their sons has brought Born and Roediger mixed reactions. Born says at a doctor's office, someone asked Xander, "Where's your mommy?"
Someone once asked Roediger if he were "playing Mr. Mom today." His answer was, "I play Mr. Mom everyday." At first he found such comments insulting. Sometimes at the supermarket, Roediger finds himself gravitating to the same checkout people so he doesn't have to deal with people's reactions.
Seeing a man hugging a little boy in the middle of the day is something that is likely to bring stares and questioning looks from others, according to Born - even when the child is his own. Society doesn't expect the father to be the care giver, he says. The job descriptions have changed as Richard and Xander have turned from babies in need of complete care to rambunctious toddlers who require an almost constant watchful eye.
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