Anastasia Marie Backstrom

Another year has passed and each time I think that this particular Birthday or Death Anniversary can't be worse than any of the previous ones, I usually find myself in error.

This past year, for example, has been filled with emotional turmoil for me. At only thirty-years-old, I found myself facing a mid-life crisis of sorts. My daughter Brittany became a victim of a sexual assault. I also lost one of my closest and dearest friends, not because of death but rather a misunderstanding. Most of the time I don't know how to properly express my feelings and I tend to keep things 'bottled-up'. I otherwise have a very small circle of friends. Each of us has our own problems and I hate to overly burden those few people who actually put up with me.

Here I sit, many years past my self-imposed life expectancy. I have been married and divorced twice. I have had two beautiful girls that have not had the chance to explore the beauties of life. I believe in love but can't express it to the people I care about. I try to be a good father and friend. Sometimes I find it hard to see the beauty of life myself when there is so much ugliness in the world.

With much thanks to my parents, I feel that I have a good work ethic. I currently work in a field that I can not take personal pride in although I try to do a good job and I am able to provide for my family. I have worked with computers for nearly twenty years and I often provide 'Tech-Support' for friends and family, I do not have a degree or certification in the IT field. I started taking classes so that I could earn my degree and better my life. Although I care for Anastasia's Mother deeply, we both attended classes at the same school and the situation was slightly awkward for me. However, I only stopped attending classes in an attempt to take care of Brittany and myself.

I won't comment on the pending legal action against my second ex-wife's husband. However, I have always been protective of Brittany and this has situation has only intensified that.

As I said, I usually do not express myself well. I had a friend that needed me when I was hurting and I only ended up hurting her. I miss the closeness we had. It saddens me that people can be torn apart by mere words. I realize that I do not deal well with death and loss. I physically can never hold Anastasia in my arms nor can I ever talk with my Grandfather again. I don't know if I will ever truly be able to confide in anyone again. It hurts to hold on and it hurts to let go. It's not easy but I understand that death is the end result of life.

I have not given up on life. I sometimes just wish that I could see the beauty of it.