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MY HOMEPAGE

When a panel of doctors was asked to vote on adding a new ambulance to their hospital, the Allergists voted to scratch it and the Dermatologists preferred no rash moves.
The Gastro-enterologists had a Gut feeling about it, but the Neurologists thought the administration had a lot of nerve, and the Obstetricians stated they were laboring under a mis-conception.
The Ophthalmologists considered the idea short-sighted; the Pathologists yelled, "Over my dead body!", while the Pediatricians said, "Grow up!"
The Psychiatrists thought it was madness; the Surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing, and the Radiologists could see right through it!
The Internists thought it was a bitter pill to swallow -but the Plastic Surgeon said, "This puts a whole new face on the matter."
The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but the Urologists felt the scheme wouldn't hold water.
The Anesthesiologists thought the whole idea was a gas, and the Cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no.
And in the End, the Proctologists left the decision up to some @ss hole who didn't give a sh't.


Favorite Poem 9-11-01 Never Forget

> > > > >Her hair was up in a ponytail
> > > > >Her favorite dress tied with a bow.
> > > > >Today was Daddy's Day at school,
> > > > >And she couldn't wait to go.
> > > > >
> > > > >But her Mommy tried to tell her,
> > > > >That she probably should stay home.
> > > > >Why the kids might not understand,
> > > > >If she went to school alone.
> > > > >
> > > > >But she was not afraid;
> > > > >She knew just what to say.
> > > > >What to tell her classmates
> > > > >Of why he wasn't there today.
> > > > >
> > > > >But still her mother worried,
> > > > >For her to face this day alone.
> > > > >And that was why once again,
> > > > >She tried to keep her daughter home.
> > > > >
> > > > >But the little girl went to school,
> > > > >Eager to tell them all.
> > > > >About a dad she never sees,
> > > > >A dad who never calls.
> > > > >
> > > > >There were daddies along the wall in back,
> > > > >For everyone to meet.
> > > > >Children squirming impatiently,
> > > > >Anxious in their seats.
> > > > >
> > > > >One by one the teacher called,
> > > > >A student from the class.
> > > > >To introduce their daddy,
> > > > >As seconds slowly passed.
> > > > >
> > > > >At last the teacher called her name,
> > > > >Every child turned to stare.
> > > > >Each of them was searching,
> > > > >For a man who wasn't there.
> > > > >
> > > > >"Where's her daddy at?"
> > > > >She heard a boy call out.
> > > > >"She probably doesn't have one,"
> > > > >Another student dared to shout.
> > > > >
> > > > >And from somewhere near the back,
> > > > >She heard a daddy say,
> > > > >"Looks like another deadbeat dad,
> > > > >Too busy to waste his day."
> > > > >
> > > > >The words did not offend her,
> > > > >As she smiled up at her Mom.
> > > > >And looked back at her teacher,
> > > > >Who told her to go on.
> > > > >
> > > > >And with hands behind her back,
> > > > >Slowly she began to speak.
> > > > >And out from the mouth of a child,
> > > > >Came words incredibly unique.
> > > > >
> > > > >"My Daddy couldn't be here,
> > > > >Because he lives so far away.
> > > > >But I know he wishes he could be,
> > > > >Since this is such a special day.
> > > > >
> > > > >And though you cannot meet him,
> > > > >I wanted you to know.
> > > > >All about my daddy,
> > > > >And how much he loves me so.
> > > > >
> > > > >He loved to tell me stories
> > > > >He taught me to ride my bike.
> > > > >He surprised me with pink roses,
> > > > >And taught me to fly a kite.
> > > > >
> > > > >We used to share fudge sundaes,
> > > > >And ice cream in a cone.
> > > > >And though you cannot see him,
> > > > >I'm not standing here alone.
> > > > >
> > > > >"Cause my daddy's always with me,
> > > > >Even though we are apart,
> > > > >I know because he told me,
> > > > >He'll forever be in my heart"
> > > > ; >
> > > > >With that, her little hand reached up,
> > > > >And lay across her chest.
> > > > >Feeling her own heartbeat,
> > > > >Beneath her favorite dress.
> > > > >
> > > > >And from somewhere in the crowd of dads,
> > > > >Her mother stood in tears.
> > > > >Proudly watching her daughter,
> > > > >Who was wise beyond her years.
> > > > >
> > > > >For she stood up for the love
> > > > >Of a man not in her life.
> > > > >Doing what was best for her,
> > > > >Doing what was right.
> > > > >
> > > > >And when she dropped her hand back down,
> > > > >Staring straight into the crowd.
> > > > >She finished with a voice so soft,
> > > > >But its message clear and loud.
> > > > >
> > > > >"I love my daddy very much,
> > > > >He's my shining star.
> > > > >And if he could, he'd be here,
> > > > >But heaven's just too far.
> > > > >
> > > > >You see he was a fireman
> > > > >And died just this past year
> > > > >When airplanes hit the towers
> > > > >And taught Americans to fear.
> > > > >
> > > > >But sometimes when I close my eyes,
> > > > >It's like he never went away."
> > > > >And then she closed her eyes,
> > > > >And saw him there that day.
> > > > >
> > > > >And to her mother's amazement,
> > > > >She witnessed with surprise.
> > > > >A room full of daddies and children,
> > > > >All starting to close their eyes.
> > > > >
> > > > >Who knows what they saw before them,
> > > > >Who knows what they felt inside.
> > > > >Perhaps for merely a second,
> > > > >They saw him at her side.
> > > > >
> > > > >"I know you're with me Daddy,"
> > > > >To the silence she called out.
> > > > >And what happened next made believers,
> > > > >Of those once filled with doubt.
> > > > >
> > > > >Not one in that room could explain it,
> > > > >For each of their eyes had been closed.
> > > > >But there on the desk beside her,
> > > > >Was a fragrant long-stemmed pink rose.
> > > > >
> > > > >And a child was blessed, if only for a moment,
> > > > >By the love of her shining bright star.
> > > > >And given the gift of believing,
> > > > >That heaven is never too far.
ANOTHER GREAT POEM....
I want to tell you lies.


I want to tell that little boy, his Mom will be just fine I want to tell that dad, we got his daughter out in time. I want to tell that wife, her husband will be home tonight I don't want to tell it like it is, I want to tell them lies.


You didn't put their seat belts on, you feel you killed your kids I want to say you didn't ... but in a way, you did. You pound your fists into my chest, you're hurting so inside I want to say you'll be OK, I want to tell you lies.


You left chemicals within his reach, and now it's in his eyes I want to say your son will see, not tell you he'll be blind. You ask me if he'll be OK, with pleading in your eyes I want to say that yes he will, I want to tell you lies.


I can see you're crying, as your life goes up in smoke. If you'd maintained that smoke alarm, your children may have woke. Don't grab my arm and ask me if your family is alive. Don't make me tell you they're all dead, I want to tell you lies.


I want to say she'll be OK, you didn't take her life I hear you say you love her and you'd never hurt your wife. You thought you didn't drink too much, you thought that you could drive. I don't want to say how wrong you were, I want to tell you lies.


You only left her for a moment, it happens all the time. How could she have fell from there? You thought she couldn't climb. I want to say her neck's not broke, that she will be just fine. I don't want to say she's paralyzed, I want to tell you lies.


I want to tell this teen, his buddies didn't die in vain, because he thought that it'd be cool, to try to beat that train. I don't want to tell him this will haunt him all his life, I want to say that he'll forget, I want to tell him lies.


You left the cabinet open and your daughter found the gun. Now you want me to undo, the damage that's been done. You tell me she's your only child, you say she's only five. I don't want to say she won't see six, I want to tell you lies.


He fell into the pool, when you just went to grab the phone. It was only for a second, that you left him there alone. If you let the darn phone ring, perhaps your boy would be alive. But I don't want to tell you that, I want to tell you lies.


The fact that you were speeding, caused that car to overturn and we couldn't get them out of there, before the whole thing burned. Did they suffer? Yes, they suffered, as they slowly burned alive. But I don't want to say those words, I want to tell you lies.


But I have to tell it like it is, until my shift is through and then the real lies begin, when I come home to you. You ask me how my day was, and I say it was just fine. I hope you understand, sometimes I have to tell you lies.


Dedicated to all the Police Officers, EMTs, Paramedics, Emergency Flight Crews, Victim's Assistance, Firefighters, and all civil servants who deal with the tragedies of life and death, the saddest of all being those that involve children, and could have been prevented.


Wear your seat belts! Keep poisons, flammables, fireworks, etc. out of reach of children! Keep your smoke alarm in operating order, and if you don't have one, get one today! Never, ever, ever drive if you've been drinking! Never leave your toddler unattended! Teens, be responsible drivers! Obey all traffic lights, posted limits, warnings and signals at railroad crossings! Keep your guns locked and out of reach and buy a trigger guard! Protect our children, they are our future!


Am I preaching?
Am I nagging?
I guess I am just telling it like it is...
Or I could just tell you a lie.


I am a small and precious child, my dad's been sent to fight.

The only place I'll see his face, is in my dreams at night.

He will be gone too many days for my young mind to keep track.

I may be sad, but I am proud. My dad's got your back.



I am a caring mother. My son has gone to war.

My mind is filled with worries that I have never known before.

Everyday I try to keep my thoughts from turning black.

I may be scared, but I am proud. My son has got your back.



I am a strong and loving wife, with a husband soon to go.

There are times I'm terrified in a way most never know.

I bite my lip, and force a smile as I watch my husband pack.

My heart may break, but I am proud. My husband's got your back.



I am a soldier. Serving proudly, standing tall.

I fight for freedom, yours and mine, by answering this call.

I do my job while knowing, the thanks it sometimes lacks.

Say a prayer that I'll come home. It's me who’s got your back.

Second Favorite Poem......

A GIRLS PRAYER
Lord, Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man, who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart and strong,
One who's willy's thick and long.
One who thinks before he speaks,
When promises to call, he won't wait weeks.
I pray that he is gainfully employed,
And when I spend his cash, won't be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door,
Massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! Send me a man who will make love to my mind,
Knows just what to say, when I ask "How big's my behind?"
One who'll make love till my body's a twitchin,
In the hall, the loo, the garden and kitchen!
I pray that this man will love me no end,
And never attempt to shag my best friend.
And as I kneel and pray by my bed,
I look at the dickhead you sent me instead. Amen.

A BOYS PRAYER
Lord, I pray for a girl with nice big boobs . Amen

FUNNY LETTER
Dear Abby:
I have been engaged for almost a year. I am to be married next month.
My fiancee's mother is not only very attractive but really great and
understanding. She is putting the entire wedding together and invited
me to
her place to go over the invitation list because it had grown a bit
beyond what we had expected it to be.
When I got to her place we reviewed the list and trimmed it down to
just under a hundred ... then she floored me.
She said that in a month I would be a married man and that before
that happened, she wanted to have sex with me. Then she just stood up
and walked to her bedroom and on her way said that I knew where the
front doorwas if I
wanted to leave. I stood there for about five minutes and finally
decided
that I knew exactly how to deal with this situation. I headed
straight out
the front door... There, leaning against my car was her husband, my
father-in-law to be. He was smiling. He explained that they just
wanted to
be sure I was a good kid and would be true to their little girl. I
shook his
hand and he congratulated me on passing their little test.
Abby, should I tell my fiancee' what her parents did, and that I
thought
their "little test" was asinine and insulting to my character? Or
should
I keep the whole thing to myself including the fact that the reason I
was walking out to my car was to get a condom?


When G-d gave out brains,
I thought He said trains,
And I said I'd take the next one.
When G-d gave out looks,
I thought He said books,
And I didn't want any.
When G-d gave out noses,
I thought He said roses,
And I ordered a big one.
When G-d gave out legs,
I thought He said kegs,
So I ordered two fat ones.
When G-d gave out ears,
I thought He said beers,
So I ordered two long ones.
When G-d gave out chins,
I thought He said gins,
So I said, "Give me a double."
-= G-d, am I a mess. =-







Third Poem

PLEASE READ TO THE END---You'll understand


*Near to the door*


* he paused to stand*


*as he took his class ring*


* off her hand*


*all who were watching*


*did not speak*


* as a silent tear*


* ran down his cheek*


*and through his mind*


*the memories ran*


* of the moments they walked*


* and ran in the sand (hand and hand)*


* but now her eyes were so terribly cold*


*for he would never again*


* have her to hold*


*they watched in silence*


* as he bent near*


*and whispered the words..*....


*"I LOVE YOU" in her ear*


*he touched her face and started to cry*


* as he put on his ring and wanted to die*


*and just then the wind began to blow*


* as they lowered her casket*


* into the snow....*


*this is what happens*


* to man alive....*


*when friends let friends....*


* drink and drive.*


>>>> FUN FACT <<<<

Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in
waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoetnt tihng is taht
the frist and lsat ltteer be at the rghit pclae.
The rset can be a total mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit porbelm.
Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but
the wrod as a wlohe.

Amzanig, huh?






I decided to add this because now you can tell ppl you learnt something online.....
Interesting facts to LEARN while you are doing nothing else.............

A crocodile cannot stick its tongue out.

A snail can sleep for three years.

Babies are born without kneecaps. They don't appear until the child
reaches 2 to 6 years of age.

Butterflies taste with their feet.

Cats have over one hundred vocal sounds. Dogs only have about 10.

February 1865 is the only month in recorded history not to have a full
moon.

If the population of China walked past you in single file, the line would
never end because of the rate of reproduction.

In the last 4,000 years, no new animals have been domesticated.

Leonardo da Vinci invented the scissors.

No word in the English language rhymes with month.

Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose and ears never
stop growing.

Shakespeare invented the word 'assassination' and 'bump'.

"Stewardesses" is the longest word typed with only the left hand,
"lollipop" with your right.

The cruise liner QE2 moves on
ly six inches for each gallon of diesel
that it burns.

The name of all the continents end with the same letter that they start
with.

The words 'racecar' and 'kayak' are the same whether they are read left
to right or right to left. Such words are called palindromes.

TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using the letters only on
one row of the keyboard.

Women blink nearly twice as much as men.


Stop lites timed for 35mph are also timed for 70 mph.
If you are an average American, in your whole life, you will spend an
average of 6 months waiting at a red light.

In most advertisements, including newspapers, the time displayed on a
watch face is 10:10.

The winter of 1932 was so cold that Niagara Falls froze completely solid.

Your stomach has to produce a new layer of mucus every two weeks;
otherwise it will digest itself.

There's no Betty Rubble in the Flintstones Chewables.

There are two words in the English language that have all five vowels in
order: "abstemious" and "facetious."

There is a word in the English
language with only one vowel, which occurs
five times: "indivisibility."

Crocodiles never outgrow the pool in which they live. That means that if
you put a baby croc in an aquarium, it would be little for the rest of its
life.

A group of geese on the ground is a gaggle; a group of geese in the air
is a skein

A "jiffy" is an actual unit of time for 1/100th of a second.

Pinocchio is Italian for "pine eye".

The sentence "The quick brown fox
jumps over the lazy dog" uses every letter of the alphabet.

The only 15-letter word that can be spelled without repeating a letter is
"uncopyrightable".

Barbie's full name is Barbara Milicent Roberts.

It's impossible to lick your elbow.

More than 50% of the people in the world have never made or received a
telephone call.

The "sixth sick sheik's sixth sheep's sick" is said to be the toughest
tongue twister in the English language...try it!

In every episode of Seinfeld there is a Superman somewhere.

The cigarette lighter was inven
ted before the match.

A duck's quack doesn't echo anywhere, and no one knows why.

Like fingerprints, everyone's tongue print is different.

Your foot is as long as your forearm, from elbow to wrist.

NOW DON'T YOU FEEL SMARTER?
OK, honestly--- did you try to lick your elbow?

A few more............

Men can read smaller print than women; women can hear
better.

Coca-cola was originally green.

Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than for
the US Treasury.

Amount American Airlines saved in 1987 by eliminating
one olive from each salad served first class: $40,000

Percentage of Africa that is wilderness: 28

Percentage of North America that is wilderness: 38

Barbie's measurements if she were life size:
39-23-33

Percentage of American men who say they would
marry the same woman if they had it to do all over
again: 80

Percentage of American women who say they would
marry the same man: 50

Percentage of men who say they are happier after
their divorce or separation: 58

Percentage of women who say they are happier
after their divorce or separation: 85

Average number of people airborne over the US
any given hour: 61,000.

Average life span of a major league baseball: 7 pitches.

Percentage of bird species that are monogamous: 90

Percentage of mammal species (including humans!!)
that are monogamous: 3

Chances that a burglary in the US will be solved: 1
in 7

Portion of land in the US owned by the government:
1/3

Only food that does not spoil: honey

Only bird that can fly backwards: Hummingbird

Only continent without reptiles or snakes: Antarctica

Only animal besides human that can get sunburn:
Pig

Ostriches stick their heads in the sand to look for
... water.

An eagle can kill a young deer and fly away with it.

In the Caribbean there are oysters that can climb
trees.

Polar bears are left-handed.

Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their
hair.
The world's youngest parents were 8 and 9 and lived
in China in 1910.

The youngest pope was 11 years old.

Mark Twain didn't graduate from elementary school.

Proportional to their weight, men are stronger than
horses.

Pilgrims ate popcorn at the first Thanksgiving dinner.

Your nose and ears never stop growing.

Hot water is heavier than cold.

They have square watermelons in Japan...they
stack better.

Iceland consumes more Coca-Cola per capita than
any other nation.

There are more collect calls on Father's Day than
any other day of the year.

Heinz Catsup leaving the bottle travels at 25 miles
per year.

It is possible to lead a cow upstairs but not downstairs.

Men get hiccups more often than woman.

Armadillos can be housebroken.

Mosquito repellents don't repel. They hide you. The spray blocks
the mosquito's sensors so they don't know you're there.

Dentists have recommended that a toothbrush be kept at least 6
feet away from a toilet to avoid airborne particles resulting from the flush.

The liquid inside young coconuts can be used as substitute for
blood plasma.

No piece of paper can be folded in half more than 7 times.

Donkeys kill more people annually than plane crashes.

You burn more calories sleeping than you do watching television.

Oak trees do not produce acorns until they are fifty years of age
or older.

The first product to have a bar code was Wrigley's gum.

The king of hearts is the only king without a moustache

A Boeing 747s wingspan is longer than the Wright brother's first
flight.

American Airlines saved $40,000 in 1987 by eliminating 1 olive
from each salad served in first-class.

Venus is the only planet that rotates clockwise.

Apples, not caffeine, are more efficient at waking you up in the
morning.

The plastic things on the end of shoelaces are called aglets.

Most dust particles in your house are made from dead skin.

The first owner of the Marlboro Company died of lung cancer.

Barbie's full name is Barbara Millicent Roberts.

Michael Jordan makes more money from Nike annually than all of
the Nike factory workers in Malaysia combined.

Marilyn Monroe had six toes.

All US Presidents have worn glasses. Some just didn't like being
seen wearing them in public.

A dime has 118 ridges around the edge.

A cat has 32 muscles in each ear.

A crocodile cannot stick out its tongue.

A dragonfly has a life span of 24 hours.

A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds.

A "jiffy" is an actual unit of time for 1/100th of a second.

A shark is the only fish that can blink with both eyes.

A snail can sleep for three years.

Al Capone's business card said he was a used furniture dealer.

All 50 states are listed across the top of the Lincoln Memorial on the back of the $5 bill.

Almonds are a member of the peach family.

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.

Babies are born without kneecaps. They don't appear until the child reaches 2 to 6 years of age.

Butterflies taste with their feet.

Cats have over one hundred vocal sounds. Dogs only have about 10.

"Dreamt" is the only English word that ends in the letters "mt".

February 1865 is the only month in recorded history not to have a full moon.

In the last 4,000 years, no new animals have been domesticated.

If the population of China walked past you, in single file, the line would never end because of the rate of reproduction.

If you are an average American, in your whole life, you will spend an average of 6 months waiting at red lights.

It's impossible to sneeze with your eyes open.

Leonardo Da Vinci invented the scissors.

Maine is ! the only state whose name is just one syllable.

No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver, or purple.

On a Canadian two dollar bill, the flag flying over the Parliament building is an American flag.

Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose and ears never stop growing.

Peanuts are one of the ingredients of dynamite.

Rubber bands last longer when refrigerated.

"Stewardesses" is the longest word typed with only the left hand and "lollipop" with your right.

The average person's left hand does 56% of the typing.

The cruise liner, QE2, moves only six inches for each gallon of diesel that it burns.

The microwave was invented after a researcher walked by a radar tube and a chocolate bar melted in his pocket.

The sentence: "The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog" uses every letter of the alphabet.

The winter of 1932 was so cold that Niagara Falls froze completely solid.

The words 'racecar,' 'kayak' and 'level' are the same whether they are read left to right or right to left (palindromes).

There are 293 ways to make change for a dollar.

There are more chickens than people in the world.

There are only four words in the English language which end in "dous": tremendous, horrendous, stupendous, and hazardous

There are two words in the English language that have all five vowels in order: "abstemious" and "facetious."

There's no Betty Rubble in the Flintstones Chewables Vitamins.

Tigers have striped skin, not just striped fur.

TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using the letters only on one row of the keyboard.

Winston Churchill was born in a ladies' room during a dance.

Women blink nearly twice as much as men.

Your stomach has to produce a new layer of mucus every two weeks; otherwise it will digest itself.


Walt Disney was afraid of mice.

Pearls melt in vinegar.

Thirty-five percent of the people who use personal ads for dating
are already married.

The three most valuable brand names on earth: Marlboro, Coca
Cola, and Budweiser, in that order.

It is possible to lead a cow upstairs...but not downstairs.

A duck's quack doesn't echo and no one knows why.

The reason firehouses have circular stairways is from the days when
the engines were pulled by horses. The horses were stabled on the
ground floor and figured out how to walk up straight staircases.

Richard Millhouse Nixon was the first US president whose name contains all the letters from the word "criminal." The second?
William Jefferson Clinton.

Turtles can breathe through their butts.

OK A FEW MORE....

Ever wonder about those people who spend $2.00 apiece on those little
bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards.

Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing
section in a swimming pool?

OK...so if the Jacksonville Jaguars are known as the "Jags" and the
Tampa Bay Buccaneers are known as the "Bucs", what does that make
theTennessee Titans ?

If 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea...does that mean that one
enjoys it?

There are three religious truths:
1. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.
2. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian
faith.
3. Baptists do not recognize each other in the liquor store or at
Hooters.

If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does
he become disoriented?

If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland
called Holes?

Why do we say something is out of whack? What's a whack?

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

When someone asks you, "A penny for your thoughts," and you put your two
cents in, what happens to the other penny?

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren't they just stale bread
to begin with?

When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?

If a person who plays the piano is called a pianist, why isn't a person
who drives a race car called a racist?

Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?

Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?

Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?

"I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language.
Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?

If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that
electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged,
models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?

If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?

Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?

What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more
as they get older; then it dawned on me...they're probably cramming for
their final exam.

I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons
and forks, so I wondered...what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?

Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we
supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on
the postage stamps so the mailmen can look for them while they deliver
the mail?

No one ever says, "It's only a game" when their team is winning.

Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?

Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went
nuts.

If a cow laughed, would milk come out of her nose?

Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?

If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the
others here for?

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive


If God is your co-pilot.....switch seats!

How deep would the ocean be if it wasn't for all the sponges ???

If you drove your car at the speed of light, what would happen when you turn on your headlights ??

Why do they have brail instructions at the drive up ATM ????

If a snail looses its shell is it naked or homeless ???

What makes the teflon stick to the pan?

Why do we park on a driveway, and drive on a parkway?

Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Can fat people go skinny dipping?

Why do they swab the injection site of an inmate who is about to recieve a lethal injection?

If you choke a smurf does it change color?

Who was the first person to look at a cow
> and say, "I think I'll squeeze
> these dangly things here, and drink
> whatever comes out?"
>
> Why do toasters always have a setting that
> burns the toast to a horrible
> crisp which no decent human being would
> eat?
>
> Why is there a light in the fridge and not
> in the freezer?
>
> If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why
> is there a song about him?
>
> Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in
> the carpool lane?
>
> If the professor on Gilligan's Island can
> make a radio out of coconut, why
> can't he fix a hole in a boat?
>
>
> Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto
> remains on all fours? They're both
> dogs!
>
> What do you call male ballerinas?
>
> Why ARE Trix only for kids?
>
> If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy
> all that Acme crap, why didn't he
> just buy dinner?
>
> If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
>
> If corn oil is made from corn, and
> vegetable oil is made from vegetables,
> then what is baby oil made from?
>
> If a man is talking in the forest, and no
> woman is there to hear him, is he
> still wrong?
>
> Why is it that when someone tells you that
> there are over a billion stars in
> the universe, you believe them, but if
> they tell you there is wet paint
> somewhere, you have to touch it to make
> sure?
>
> If electricity comes from electrons, does
> morality come from morons?
>
> Is Disney World the only people trap
> operated by a mouse?
>
> Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle,
> Twinkle Little Star have the same
> tune?
>
> Do illiterate people get the full effect
> of Alphabet Soup?
>
>
> Did you ever notice that when you blow in
> a dog's face, he gets mad at you,
> but when you take him on a car ride, he
> sticks his head out the window?


31 COOL QUOTES:

1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me the hell alone.

2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire.

3. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.

4. Sex is like air. It's not important unless you aren't getting any.

5. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

6. No one is listening until you f_rt.

7. Always remember you're unique.. Just like everyone else.

8. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

9 . If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

10. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

11. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

12. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

13. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.

14. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

15. Some days you are the bug; some days you are a windshield.

16. Don't worry; it only seems kinky the first time.

17. Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.

18. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.

19. A closed mouth gathers no foot.

20. Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.

21. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.

22. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.

23. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

24. Never miss a good chance to shut up.

25. We are born naked, wet, hungry, and get slapped on our ass...then things get worse.

26. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

27. There is a fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."

28. No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.

29. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday .... around age 11.

30. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them

31. Some days You'll feel like a fire hydrant and all your friends are dogs!

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