Testimony

I never knew God. All I knew were some meaningless church rituals. My mother never knew God either. She was later drawn to occultism in a search for something in the spirit world that was personal. God seemed like a million miles away to her. She began by getting into using an Ouija board to contact the spirit world. The board swore constantly. It's predictions came true quite often however. But my mother was afraid because it predicted bad things. It said that I would grow up to be a hellion. My mother and my aunt used to sit there blindfolded using the board and had a third person jot down everything that was spelled out. It went so fast the person barely had time to jot it all down. One day my mother and aunt decided to ask it what it was and it told them it was a female whore. They finally decided to break the board up and get rid of it. They knew this thing must have been evil.

Then some years later my mother got involved in drawing up horoscopes to predict people's future and reading Tarot cards for them. She also read several books by mediums such as Edgar Cayce and Seth. My mother and uncle went to psychic fairs where they had their palms read. They dabbled in just about every magic art that was popular at the time.

My mother read Tarot cards for a friend of hers one time and the prediction was that this person's next-door neighbor would die within a week. My mother laughed and thought that it was ludicrous and wouldn't happen. Well, that person's neighbor was mugged and thrown over a bridge in town and died by the end of the week. My mother then thought it was just some kind of coincidence.

Then she read cards again for another friend. This time she predicted death and the number two. She laughed again thinking it was silly. She returned to that friend's house two months later however and was approached by her friend's daughter screaming at her that she was a witch. The girl said to my mother crying, "Go away you witch!!! My best friend died on her 22nd birthday which was Feb. 2nd!!! I hate you, leave you witch!!" My mother then finally realized that it wasn't a game and quit reading cards.

When I was younger, about 12, during the time she was still involved with such things one day I went over to look at the cards on the counter. I touched them and looked at each one. One had a Satan symbol on it, another a pentagram, another was a wealth card, another was a death card. I put them down and went and sat on our couch.

Suddenly something came and paralyzed me. I just could not move a muscle. I tried to move my arm or leg and it wouldn't budge. I tried to open my eyes, I tried to scream. No matter how hard I tried I just could not move. And each time I tried to move I had a really horrible pain in the back of my head. I couldn't even move my finger! It was horrible. It was like my body was asleep but I was wide awake in it and trapped! There was nothing I could do but be stuck there. Then suddenly I could see the whole room although my eyes we shut. Then instantly the whole room turned silver and all of a sudden all I heard was hideous laughter coming from every corner of the room. I didn't see any figures. I just heard the laughter. It was hideous, horrible laughter and I was in the middle of all of it. And one laugh was louder than the rest. Then suddenly it stopped and I was able to move again.

I didn't know why this event had happened to me. I was unable to really process the whole thing. There was no one to talk to about it and if I told anyone they would just think I was crazy. So what I did was try and put the whole thing out of my mind. I watched tv and tried not to think about it.

This caused me to be an insomniac as a child. I would fear that this would happen to me again. And other things did happen to me. Although the events were few and far between they were so awful that I dreaded the next time it would happen. Things calmed down after my mother got scared out of Tarot card reading.

Then soon someone came along in my life who introduced me to something I hadn't really known before. I was only 15 but for the first time in my life had a male person love me. My father had left my mother when I was just four years old. So I had never known a father. It was a big gap in my life. This boy's name was Peter. He was the same age. We met in highschool English class while studying Romeo and Juliet. And boy I tell ya, for 15 year olds we were pretty "intense". I loved him more than anything I had ever known.

Then after being together for only 9 months he suddenly broke up with me one day. I was devastated. I was hoping he was just confused and we would get back together. But he totally ignored me. If I even said hi to him in the hallway, although I knew he heard me, he wouldn't even look my way. I was crushed. It as if some truck came and ran me over. I did not know how I could go on.

The whole summer break from school went by and I didn't bother him. But I still held out hope. Then when school started in September I was hoping he would have a change of heart. I picked up the phone and called him in the evening. It took all my courage to do it. And he answered. I talked but he acted like he didn't want to talk to me. He gave short answers like, "yeah" and acted bored. I suddenly cried, "You don't really want to talk to me!" And slammed the phone down. Then I ran out the door determined to run in front of a huge mac truck on the highway near where we lived. We lived off of a major highway that had huge trucks going by at the maximum speed limit.

It was a really rainy stormy night all of a sudden. It was pouring rain. It was so bad that on the road the traffic was barely moving. I would step out in front of a car and they would stop immediately because they would see me in their headlights. I finally gave up and walked over to my old nearby elementary school and sat on the swings.

As I sat there I thought about how unfair my life had been. How I had been jipped out of having a father. How I had a minor disability (dyslexia), how I was poor, how I was being raised by a mother who was cruel to me. And how I had been molested by some stranger at the age of four. I was most of all angry at God because I had lost this boyfriend I had dearly loved. I told God that he must have known what my life would turn out like and asked him why he didn't want me to be loved. I accused Him of not loving me. I truly felt at that moment that no one loved me. I was brokenhearted, devastated and empty. There was nothing to live for.

I then went back to the road hoping some stranger would just attack me and my life could be done away with. I didn't care what happened to me. Then my mother's car drove up beside me with my neighbor in it. They told me to get in the car but I just ignored them. Then finally when they saw that I was not responding and just kept on walking my neighbor got out of the car and physically forced me into the car. I fought her but I was no match for her as she was huge.

I sat there between my mother and neighbor looking blankly ahead. I didn't talk to anyone. My mother put her arm around me and told me she loved me. I just threw her arm off and said nothing. Then when we were home I was questioned by the both of them. But all I did was sit there looking hollow and not responding at all. My neighbor was so frustrated that she finally gave up and left. I finally went to bed around 11pm.

As I laid in bed everything was quiet, then I suddenly overheard my mother weeping to herself. She must have been crying over me I figured. I quietly laughed to myself glad that I had hurt her because she had been so miserable to me all my life. Then when she was finally done I started to talk to God in my head again.

This time I told God how much I hated myself. I told him I hated being me. That I wanted to be anyone else but me, that I hated my own company. I loathed myself so much that I told God that I wanted to go to hell. I told God to send me to hell. Then I told him that I was angry with him for what he allowed to happen to me in my life. I told him I had a lousy life and it was all his fault. And that if he loved me he would have made sure I didn't wind up in a life like this. I told him I hated him and called him every swear word I could think of. Then I told him that I would just live the rest of my life to hurt him back and I would do that by hurting everyone around me.