(Version 3.0)

 

History Remembers

 

A Musical Play

Book, Music and Lyrics

by

 

Peter Saxe

 

 

 

© 2005 Peter Saxe
 HistoryRemembers@aol.com

"John Whitley-History Remembers" (CD), Music & Lyrics by Peter Saxe featuring the GLAMA nominated song "Ernie & Bert (Living Together)"
is available through  directly from the composer, by writing a check (made payable to Peter Saxe) for $12.00 + $3.00 (domestic priority mail shipping).  Send to:

Peter Saxe
Major Chow Music
350 West 51^st Street, #3E
New York, NY 10019

Check out the Billboard Magazine piece on John Whitley and "History Remembers"

Please sample several songs from the “History Remembers CD” streaming for your pleasure at myspace.com

_________________________________________________________________

History Remembers - The Script

(The scene is a not-quite finished home office. There is a desk with computer. Upstage are two bookshelves filled with toys and some books. Among these toys are "Ernie & Bert" "The Cat in the Hat" and a "Hula-Barbie Doll."

During the Prelude, JUSTIN, a very handsome young man in his early thirties walks into the room. He is wearing a large bathrobe over a tank-top and shorts.)

THIS COULD BE THE PERFECT NURSERY?
THE TOYS.. THE CRIB.
SO PERFECT FOR A BABY

I THINK OF ALL THE TEARS,
I CRIED, AS I PRAY FOR HER SURVIVAL.
I THINK OF ALL THE FEARS
I FACED SINCE THE DAY OF HER ARRIVAL,
TWO WEEKS TODAY
WHAT IF I HAD NOT HAVE WALKED THAT WAY
WHERE SHE WAS FOUND,
ON THE GROUND..

(We hear a "You've got Mail" sound coming from the computer. JUSTIN reads it. He puts a earpiece/microphone on his head and begins to dictate his response via a voice recognition program.)

Return mail. Subject, why is your phone busy?

First Paragraph

Connie: The reason you haven't been able to reach me is that I'm still waiting for the phone company to switch on the new line in this office. I'm using the old voice line for the computer.. Please let everyone know that they must email me for a little while longer.

New Paragraph..

Thanks for the sales report on "The Hands of the Guardian"
If we keep this up, we'll leave "Myst" in the dust in no time! Can you take a quick letter? "Letter to Dr. Harold Abrams.. he's in the database, Connie.

New Paragraph

Dear Dr. Abrams: thank you for sending me the galleys of your article on "The Hands of The Guardian" game program. I'd like to offer the following comments: "The Hands of the Guardian" was intended purely for entertainment purposes. The fact that you have found it useful in the detection of child abuse victims is..gratifying.

New Paragraph..

With that in mind, we would like to immediately begin R. and D. on a clinical version of "The Hands of the Guardian." Please contact my assistant, Connie regarding your availability as consultant on the project.

Sincerely, Justin blah blah blahh..

New Paragraph.

Regarding requests for interviews, Connie. You may schedule appointments with any Computer, Business, or Gaming publications. Any inquiries about "Baby Jane Doe" should be directed to the hospital. I'd like my private life to remain private.

Send Mail..

(a beat. The "send mail" command is not working)

Send Mail.. Send Mail..

New Paragraph.. Connie, please inform the de-bugging team that the "Send Mail" command is still not working on the beta copy of the voice recognition program. Please remind them that the release date is looming large.. Your fearful leader, Justin

(JUSTIN uses the mouse to "send mail" manually. JUSTIN takes the headphones off)

THIS COULD BE THE PERFECT NURSERY
SO WARM, SUCH LOVE,
SO PERFECT FOR A BABY..

WALKING HOME THAT EVENING
TWO A.M.
HEARD A BABY'S MUFFLED CRY.
MIGHT HAVE MISSED IT, MIGHT HAVE WALKED ON BY.
SOMEONE WAS AT THE RIGHT PLACE..
AT THE RIGHT TIME

It was luck that I had been there. Pure luck.

GOTTA FIND THE BABY
THERE'S NO TIME TO SPARE.
WHO COULD DO THIS? LORD KNOWS WHY.
IN A DUMPSTER, LEFT ALONE TO DIE,
WAS ONE ABANDONED BABY..

WHAT TO DO, CALL 911,
NO TIME, JUST START TO RUN.
GOTTA KEEP THE BABY ALIVE,
THERE'S A HOSPITAL FIVE,
BLOCKS THAT WAY!
OKAY!

KEEP IT MOVING,
THERE'S A LIFE TO SAVE.
SNOW WAS FALLING, IT WAS COLD.
PRECIOUS BABY, ONLY HOURS OLD.
SOMEONE WAS RUNNING MADLY,
SOMEONE WAS UNPREPARED,
LIVES WERE ABOUT TO CHANGE,
BECAUSE SOMEONE CARED.

If there was a world record for "the five-block sprint with a baby in your arms", I broke it! Doctors and nurses could not move fast enough for me until I slammed down my fist, and told them that I expected "miracles of science!"

(JUSTIN gets "Cat in the Hat" from bookshelf.)

A CHILD ABANDONED, WHO COULD DARE?
DEFENSELESS..
..AND FREEZING..
A STROKE OF LUCK THAT I WAS THERE!
BUT WAS IT LUCK..?
JUST HAPPENSTANCE..?
THERE'S A CHANCE,
TO DO SO MUCH MORE..

LA, LA..
LA LA LA LA LA LA..

(JUSTIN puts "Cat in the Hat" stuffed toy back on shelf)

DOCTORS, NURSES
TOOK IT ALL FROM THERE
WHEELED THE BABY GIRL AWAY
NOTHING LEFT TO DO BUT HOPE AND PRAY
SOMEONE WAS REALLY FRIGHTENED

The doctor said the baby was addicted to crack-cocaine.. I took the police to the dumpster where I found the baby. When I got back to the hospital, I asked the doctor.. Is she..

OUT OF DANGER?
IT WAS ALMOST DAWN
THE DOCTOR SAID, SHE MAY PULL THROUGH
"GET SOME SLEEP, THERE'S NOTHING LEFT TO DO."
COME BACK TOMORROW EVENING.

I managed to get some sleep. I dreamt I was eighteen when my father ordered me to pack up and leave the house. When my mother protested, he beat her. I woke with the sweaty realization that compared to this baby, I was the lucky one.

THEN I MADE A SACRED VOW:
SAVE HER LIFE, AND I WON'T ALLOW,
HER TO BE ABANDONED AGAIN,
OR BE LONELY OR FRIGHTENED,
OR HUNGRY. I PROMISE, OKAY? OKAY!

"Computer mogul turns Daddy Warbucks!"- NY Post "Savior of Sutton Place"-New York Magazine.. I was made NY 1's New Yorker of the Week.. the story went national. Sales of "The Hands of the Guardian" CD-ROM's went through the roof.. My marketing people kept fanning the flames with more publicity.. I thought I'd have to kill them all.. Because all I really cared about was this one baby girl..

SOMEONE WAS UNPREPARED FOR,
THE GLARE OF PUBLICITY.
SOMEONE WHO DID WHAT? ZERO!
I DID NOTHING, DON'T YOU SEE?
SOMEONE BECAME A HERO
WHY ME?

(JUSTIN puts his ear-piece/headphones back on)

Write new mail.. Open address book

(It doesn't work)

Open address book

(JUSTIN does it manually, shaking his head at finding another bug in his program.)

First Paragraph

Hello, "lover".. How is your day going? "Baby Jane Doe" is still struggling. There are still media people all around. Why can't they find someone else to hound? The hospital staff has been great, sneaking me in and out through a delivery entrance. I miss you so much. I know I saw you this morning but I still do. Love, Justin

Send Mail

(Command does not work)

Send Mail

("Send Mail" command still does not work. JUSTIN does it manually. He takes the headset off.)

This morning at the hospital, one of the child welfare people asked me if I would be applying to be the baby's foster parent. I didn't know what to say. How could I possibly take care of this baby? Hell, I just learned how to take care of myself.

Besides, I knew there would be a complete background check of my life. They'd want to know much more personal information than these computer and gaming magazines have been asking. I mean, it's one thing to ask, "when did you first discover computers?" It's another thing to ask about parents, childhood, relationships, secrets..

Am I willing to have my life exposed, scrutinized and judged by those who can point a finger and say "you are not worthy to be this baby's guardian. Get someone better!" Can I really, for the first time, look at my life and say, "I am worthy."

I tell the computer magazine interviewers that my life really began at the age of fourteen when I won a raffle. First prize was one of the first personal computers, Radio Shack's TRS-80, today remembered as the "Trash-80." The prize included classes with a teacher from the local college. I discovered that I was a natural with computers.

What I don't say, is that through computers, I found an escape from a Father who was addicted to alcohol, and a Mother who was addicted to my Father. You've heard stories like mine on Oprah, so I'll just fast-forward to my first job as a programmer..and the boyfriend from hell.

(Rattles the following off fast, matter-of-fact)

Long story short.. I made more money,he got jealous, angry, stole money from me, hit me, raped me, threatened me, again Oprah Oprah Oprah.

The police tried to help by assuring me that "faggots get what they deserve." My boss, bless his heart, saved my life by transferring me to the company's New York City office. After all, at the age of 21, I was their best programmer.. and as they say "dead men cannot write code."

The company found me an apartment, and allowed me to work from home to accommodate my agoraphobia wasn't I a mess?

My first week in Manhattan, I found a grocery store, a laundry service that delivered, and set up my banking on the computer. I went to the office to say hello to the staff, got two extra phone lines for the computer and fax and vanished..

THE CITY IS LIKE A FLOWING RIVER.
WINDING TOWARDS WONDERS BOTH.. BIG AND BOLD.
AND RIVERS, LIKE CITIES ARE FILLED WITH DANGERS..
SO I'VE BEEN TOLD.
AND SOME LIKE MYSELF, JUST STAND THERE WATCHING,
PLAYING IT SAFE, KEEPING DRY.
JEALOUS OF THOSE WHO TAKE THE PLUNGE...WHO TRY.
AND WHAT DOES THAT SAY OF ME?
AM I A WIMP? AM I HALF-ALIVE?
IF I COULD HOLD MY NOSE AND CLOSE MY EYES AND DIVE!!
AND WITH A SPLASH, I TOO CAN BE BOLD.

BY GETTING CARRIED AWAY BY THE WIND AND THE WATER.
CARRIED AWAY, BARELY KEEPING AFLOAT.
CARRIED AWAY WITHOUT A THING TO GRAB ONTO.
PRAYING TO GOD FOR A BOAT!

BUT IN THE WORLD OF BITS AND BYTES
EVERY PIXEL, GIVES ME POWER
MOST PEOPLE LACK.
IN THE WORLD OF BITS AND BYTES,
I HAVE BUILT MYSELF A TOWER
FREE FROM ATTACK.
WHEN I'M SAFE, I CAN DEAL
WITH THE FEELING
I'M SMALL
IN A WORLD WHERE NO ONE HITS OR FIGHTS
JUST A CLICK OF A KEY,
LET'S ME BE,
TEN FEET TALL
THERE IS COMFORT IN THE WORLD OF BITS AND BYTES.

I know exactly what would happen if I went out into the world..

I'D LOSE CONTROL..
I'D FEEL THE RUSH OF DANGER.
GETTING LONELY..THAT IS WHY.
I STAY INSIDE THAN TRUST A HANDSOME STRANGER.
SINK OR SWIM, DO OR DIE.
I'M GETTING CARRIED AWAY,
BY GETTING CARRIED AWAY WITH MY LIFE.....

I PICK MYSELF UP, I'M DRENCHED, I'M TIRED.
GRATEFUL THAT MY ORDEAL IS DONE.
COMPARED TO THE RIVER, TOTAL BOREDOM SEEMS SUCH....FUN.
NOW, AS I STAND, I DON'T FEEL JEALOUS.
DON'T FEEL THE ENVY, DON'T FEEL DOWN.
DON'T FEEL GUILTY FEELING SAFE WHILE OTHERS...DROWN.
AND WHAT DOES THAT SAY OF ME?
SO I QUIT WHEN IT GOT TOO ROUGH.
IT WAS HELL, I DON'T SWIM SO WELL, I'M JUST NOT TOUGH ENOUGH!

BUT, IN THE WORLD OF BITS AND BYTES,
THERE IS FAIRNESS THERE IS BALANCE
HOW ABOUT THAT?
IN THE WORLD OF BITS AND BYTES,
I AM VALUED FOR MY TALENTS,
REAL TIT FOR TAT
WHEN A PROGRAM I WRITE,
GETS EXCITED REVIEWS
I CAN ALMOST SEE MY NAME IN LIGHTS
THEN I POP THE KORBEL,
THOUGH I'D..WELL, RATHER CRUISE..
'CAUSE IT'S LONELY IN THE WORLD OF BITS..

I'M GETTING CARRIED AWAY BY ALL MY EXCUSES.
CARRIED AWAY BY THE WEB THAT I WEAVE.
CARRIED AWAY BY ALL OF MY BULLSHIT!
BULLSHIT I ALMOST BELIEVE!
ALRIGHT!
THE TIME HAS COME TO FACE THE DANGER!
BEING LONELY TAKES IT'S TOLL!
FINDING A KIND AND HANDSOME LOVING STRANGER
THAT WILL BE MY GOAL!
MY WORLD OF BITS AND BYTES
HAS FED ME POWER,
KEPT ME SAFE, HIGH AND DRY.
SO, WATCH ME DARE TO DIVE,
TO STAY ALIVE.
NEVER TO REST, TO BE MY BEST,
TO FINALLY LEAVE MY TOWER.
SINK OR SWIM....DO OR DIE.
I'M GETTING CARRIED AWAY BY THE WIND AND THE WATER,
CARRIED AWAY..
I LOVE IT GETTING CARRIED AWAY WITH MY LIFE.

My year as "Justin the Hermit-boy" passed quickly. I was completely focused on programming. I received raises, bonuses and much praise. But something was missing.

(a beat)

So, one night, I gathered my courage, and ventured out into the world.

Now you must understand that until that time, I had never been to a gay bar. Back where I came from, men met other men in places not intended for that purpose, if you know what I mean. I really did not know what to expect from this gay bar.

I must have paced back and forth in front of that place twenty times before entering the darkened club. I had crossed the threshold to "Uncle Charlies." Man oh man, look at all the men! Preppy boys, business men, jocks, men, men, and more men! And I thought Godiva was a candy store! Did I mention the men? But something was strange: nobody seemed to be talking to each other. Nobody was smiling. These men were like mannequins, frozen in a variety of poses.

(JUSTIN effects several of these poses)

Everyone seemed to be hypnotized by one of the many glowing video monitors hanging from the ceiling. What were they watching? An episode of "The Golden Girl's." But here's the twilight zone-ey part of it. Every time a punchline was delivered, the room would explode in laughter, and all the men would suddenly come to life, trying to catch the eyes of another man across the room. These were mannequins, magically brought to life by Beatrice Arthur.

For this I left my apartment?

After twenty minutes, I was ready to go back into seclusion for another year.. but there he was.. there he was! There He Was!

(Pointing excitedly out at audience)

LOOK OVER THERE, WITH HIS BACK AGAINST THE WALL!
A VISION IN DENIM, LIKE NONE I CAN RECALL.
HIS EYES ARE DREAMY!
MY GOD! IS HE...STARING AT ME?

HE'S GORGEOUS,
WITH DIMPLES,
SO WHY IS HE LOOKING AT ME?
IT COULD BE HE'S SIMPLE,
JUST A DITZ WITH A CAPITAL "D".
HE DOESN'T KNOW SQUAT,
I SHOULD NOT...CRITICIZE..
MY HEAD TELLS ME "NO",
BUT MY HEART SAYS...

I'M FOOLISH.
I'M FRANTIC.
WHAT A JOKE, CAN YOU PICTURE US BOTH,
IN LOVE AND ROMANTIC,
NOT A CHANCE FOR BLOSSOMING GROWTH.
HE'S WATER, I'M OIL
THIS BOY HAS FABULOUS...THIGHS.
MY HEAD SAYS "NO GO",
BUT MY HEART SAYS...

STILL, I DON'T KNOW THIS MAN.
THIS "THANK GOD HE'S LIVING" MAN.
COULD HE BE A CARING MAN?
WHY NOT?
THERE'S MUCH I COULD SHOW THIS MAN.
THIS POSSIBLY GIVING MAN.
DOES HE KNOW I'M STARING? MAN, OH MAN..
THE ROOM'S GETTING HOT!

THOUGH HE'S GORGEOUS,
THAT'S ONLY,
SKIN-DEEP. IT IS ALL SO BIZARRE.
BUT IT COULD BE HE'S LONELY..
AS I PRAY THAT THE BEAUTIFUL ARE.
HE NEEDS SOMEONE STRONG.
IS IT WRONG TO FANTASIZE?
WHEN MY HEAD SAYS "GET LOST."
BUT MY HEART SAYS....OTHERWISE.

OH I SHOULD JUST BREAK IT OFF.
YES, I SHOULD JUST TURN HIM OFF.
LIKE A LIGHT-SWITCH FROM "ON" TO "OFF".
YES, I CAN.
JUST WATCH ME, I'M TAKING OFF.
LIKE A WART, I'LL JUST BURN HIM OFF.
GOOD RIDDANCE, BEGONE HIM OFF!
DEAR GOD,
HE'S ONLY A MAN!!

FLIRTATION'S,
A FUN THING.
TOO MUCH AND I GO BERSERK.
A FANTASY'S ONE THING.
BUT FOR REAL? WHY COULDN'T IT WORK?
HE COULD SEND ME REELING,
SO FAR I'D BE LAME.
I DON'T KNOW HIS FEELINGS,
OR EVEN HIS NAME.
IF I DON'T TAKE A CHANCE,
AN UNLIKELY ROMANCE
CANNOT START!
TO HELL WITH THE CONFLICT,
OF THE HEAD AND THE HEART!
"HEY, MY NAME IS JUSTIN!"

I had met David the Lawyer! Funny, handsome, Jewish, handsome. If it wasn't for David, I would never have had a social life. David was my Julie McCoy, cruise director. He took me everywhere: dinner, museums, parties. David was a wonderful listener, and I told him everything about myself and I mean everything.. and he still kept calling me.

Imagine that.

A year after David and I met, he bought a large duplex apartment and invited me to rent a portion of it. There was plenty of space, and I had grown tired of living alone. I enjoyed teaching David to be the most computer-savvy associate at his firm, and David introduced me to his world of 60's and 70's memorabilia, his stuffed animals, and yes, his Barbie collection..

We cooked together, watched TV together, had pillow fights together. David really helped me discover my silly side, but we were strictly platonic. I kept telling myself: any day now, David will knock-knock-knock on my door, and share my bed. So I waited.. and waited.. and waited..

I AM IN LOVE.
AND IT'S FUNNY THAT YOU DON'T KNOW.
I'VE NEVER TOLD YOU SO..
READ BETWEEN THE LINES.

I PLAY THE CLOWN,
WHEN I CAN'T FIND THE WORDS TO SAY.
SILENT: I PINE, I PRAY THAT YOU'LL..
READ BETWEEN THE LINES.

MY FRIEND, I'VE SEEN YOU'RE UPS AND DOWNS.
I SMILE: GIVING MY ADVICE,
BUT KEEPING SILENT....

ALL I CAN DO,
IS TO PRAY THAT YOU'LL CATCH MY EYE.
AND ALL WILL BE CLEAR TO YOU:
ONE BIG SURPRISE.
I'VE LIT A NEON SIGN
SAYING: "READ BETWEEN THE LINES!"

MAYBE I'M A FOOL TO DREAM
FROM AFAR.
LONGING FOR YOUR TOUCH,
COMPLETELY STARSTRUCK!

ALL I CAN DO,
IS TO PRAY THAT YOU'LL CATCH MY EYE.
AND ALL WILL BE CLEAR TO YOU:
ONE BIG SURPRISE.
IN YOU'RE NAME, I'VE BUILT A SHRINE...SO..
READ BETWEEN THE LINES.

One evening, I found myself nervously pacing in front of the Lesbian and Gay Community Center on 12th Street. I had always been curious about what went on there, and for some reason I was scared to walk in. Maybe because the lighting was so much brighter than at Uncle Charlies.

As I was pacing, I noticed this guy started pacing right next to me.. If I sped up, he sped up.. If I slowed down.. well, you get the picture. This guy got in front of me and stopped me in my tracks, and said hello. Just like that! Apparently, not everyone carries on an internal debate before saying hello.

He was wearing a white tee-shirt, black sneakers and 501 jeans with tears in both knees. He looked at me with these gorgeous blue eyes and this smile. Well, I had arrived in "Swoon-City." He started chatting me up as if he'd known me for years.

"You have the look of someone who can't decide whether to attend the bondage demo on three or "needlework for nellies" on two."

I thought he was joking until I saw the list of meetings just inside the door. Before I had chance to answer, he said,"Why don't you let me take you to a meeting where people are planning to change the world, save lives and make history!"

How could I resist such an offer? Actually, this man could have lead me to the gates of hell and I'd have followed. He took me gently by the arm and escorted me through the doors of this converted school building.

And that's how I ended up at my first, and last meeting of ACT-UP!

HIS NAME IS MARTY
AND HE IS PASSIONATE AND SMART.
HE STUDIES LAW ON SCHOLARSHIP FOR FREE (well almost free)
AND I LIKE MARTY
A MAN WHO SAYS THINGS FROM THE HEART
AND WHAT HE SAYS IS HOW MUCH HE LIKES ME
MARTY'S OUT TO SAVE THE WORLD FROM IGNORANCE AND AIDS.
THAT'S OKAY, HE STILL COMES HOME TO ME.
HIS NAME IS MARTY
TODAY'S OUR ANNIVERSARY.
WE MET TWO YEARS-OR-SO AGO..THAT'S RIGHT!
AND I FEEL HAPPY,
HAVING MARTY WITH ME.
AND I LOVE IT WHEN HE LOOKS AT ME
AND I LOVE IT WHEN HE TALKS TO ME
AND I KNOW THAT HE'LL BE WANTING ME
TONIGHT!

As Marty told the story of how we met, I looked like a deer caught in the headlights of car.

I was uncomfortable with the tactics of ACT-UP.. No matter what Marty said, I just could not understand how blocking traffic, lying in the middle of the street, and getting arrested would make things better. Every time they were planning another action, Marty would always say, "Do you want to take part in the next action?" I'd say "no thanks" and that would be that.

Another time, Marty was writing an essay on same-sex marriage for "The Advocate".. He asked me to read it aloud to him and to give him my honest opinion. I think Marty did this because he could enjoy the illusion that we agreed on whatever he had me read, his words coming from my mouth. I said, "You don't need my opinion."

"Please read it" he said..

(JUSTIN is uncomfortable singing this song.)

TO BE ALONE WITH HIM.
NO FEAR OF RETRIBUTION.
TO HOLD HIS HAND ON THE STREET, ON A DATE.
SIMPLE DREAM.
DOESN'T SEEM
LIKE..SPECIAL RIGHTS.

EXCHANGING WEDDING VOWS.
THIS SACRED INSTITUTION.
HIS NEXT OF KIN, ACKNOWLEDGED BY THE STATE.
DON'T BE SCARED.
WE'RE PREPARED,
TO HANDLE...SPECIAL RIGHTS.

SPECIAL: MEANS DISTINCTIVE, UNIQUE OR UNCOMMON.
HOW UNCOMMON CAN THEY BE,
WHEN THE VAST MAJORITY
HAVE THEM GRANTED..
..TAKE THEM FOR GRANTED.

AS FOR..THE IRS,
I WANT TO FILE JOINTLY
WITH THE MAN I LOVE.
SO WHY AM I DENIED?
SPECIAL RIGHTS?
THEY'RE NOT QUITE SO SPECIAL. I AM WISE,
TO THE FACT THAT SPECIAL RIGHTS ARE EQUAL RIGHTS IN DISGUISE!

Just what we needed, the IRS knowing about our private life. I didn't know how to tell Marty what I thought. I stopped reading the essay, but Marty asked me not to stop reading..

I LIVE IN A COUNTRY FOUNDED ON FREEDOM!
FREE TO PRAY OR NOT TO PRAY.
FREE TO SPEAK BUT NOT TO SAY:
"WITH THIS RING...."
AND HAVE THAT BRING..

A WORLD OF PRIVILEGES,
AND GREAT RESPONSIBILITIES,
OF MARRIED LIFE
ACKNOWLEDGED BY THE STATE.
SPECIAL RIGHTS!
I GUESS THEY ARE QUITE SPECIAL...I'M IN LINE,
WHEN THE DAY COMES THAT SPECIAL RIGHTS..
MEANING EQUAL RIGHTS....
..ARE MINE...

"Marty, why do we need a piece of paper to prove we love each other?

Marty said, "What if one of us was in an accident? What if I was in a coma?" There is no guarantee that you would be treated as my next of kin." That's what that piece of paper is for.. and inheritance rights.. just little things that you pray you'll never have to need.." And besides.. "We Must Have Pride, Justin, We Must have Pride."

"Can't we just agree to disagree, Marty? Like we usually do with politics?" Marty nodded and held me in his arms. After awhile Marty asked, "Justin, what kind of relationship do you want? What couple can you point to and say "I wanna be just like them?

The only couples I knew were friends of Marty's. They were all activist types, very in-your-face. Who had the kind of life I wanted? Who could I look to as a role model?

(JUSTIN looks over his shoulder at the "Ernie & Bert" dolls. He smiles at us.. He takes the dolls off the shelf and presents them to us. The following song should build to become the"Judy Miller Show.")

ERNIE AND BERT HAVE BEEN LIVING TOGETHER
FOR TWENTY-FIVE YEARS.
LIFE IS A BALL,
WHEN YOU ALWAYS INCLUDE BERT AND ERNIE.
ERNIE AND BERT HAVE BEEN LIVING TOGETHER
FOR TWENTY-FIVE YEARS.
AND ISN'T THAT FINE?

ERNIE AND BERT BOUGHT A FABULOUS CONDO
ON SESAME STREET.
LIFE HITS A PEAK,
AT THE CHIC "FURRY ARMS APARTMENTS."
ERNIE AND BERT HAVE GONE UPWARDLY MOBILE
ON SESAME STREET.
IS THAT NOT....DIVINE?

WELL, BERT IS SUCH A NEAT-NICK,
AND ERNIE'S A LOVABLE SLOB.
BUT WHAT DO THEY LIVE ON, SINCE NEITHER ONE HAS A JOB?
PERHAPS BERT HAS A TRUST-FUND.
OR ERNIE, OR BOTH, THAT COULD BE.
UNLESS THEY GOT RICH BY EXPOSING THEIR LIVES ON TV.

A..IS FOR APARTMENT...B..IS FOR BERT...C..IS FOR CONDO..D..IS FOR DIVINE..E...IS FOR ERNIE...F..IS FOR FABULOUS!

ERNIE AND BERT HAVE A GREAT TIME TOGETHER,
ON SESAME STREET.
READING AND COUNTING,
AND NO ONE IS MOUNTING A PROTEST.
ERNIE AND BERT ARE SO HAPPY-GO-LUCKY,
ON SESAME STREET.
THAT'S WHAT PEOPLE SAY?
THEY LIVE AS THEY WANT,
AND THEY DON'T HAVE TO FLAUNT IT ALL DAY!

ERNIE AND BERT ARE COMPASSIONATE NEIGHBORS.
NO ONE NEEDS PROOF.
THEY REJOICED WHEN LUIS AND MARIA
GOT MARRIED UP ON THE ROOF.
WHEN MR. HOOPER DIED,
BOTH BERT AND ERNIE CRIED,
AS YOU DID, AS I.
AND THEY DON'T DENY THEIR FEELINGS.
WHAT'S WRONG WITH FEELING LOVE,
FOR THOSE THAT THEY CARE ABOUT.
LOVE IS A VIRTUE,
THAT ERNEST AND BERTRAM HAVE DOWN TO A "T"

ERNIE AND BERT SHARE THE VERY SAME BEDROOM,
ON SESAME STREET.
WHEN ERNIE'S A PEST, HE KNOWS BERT WILL GET TESTY AND WHINY.
ERNIE AND BERT HAVE AROUSED ONE ANOTHER,
FOR TWENTY-FIVE YEARS,
SO WHERE IS THE CRIME?
LIKE GLUE, HOW THEY STICK,
WHILE THEY DO THE SAME SHTICK ALL THE TIME.

ERNIE HAS A FONDNESS FOR RUBBER..DUCKY:
SMALL, YELLOW..SQUEAKS WHEN YOU SQUEEZE.
AT BATH-TIME WITH ERNIE, THE DUCKY IS EAGER TO PLEASE.
AND BERT LOVES THE PIGEONS,
THOSE GRUNGY VERMIN WITH WINGS.
WITH BIRDS ON THE SIDE,
TO CONFIDE IN AS FRIENDS,
WHETHER BOATING OR SUNNING,
THE FUN NEVER ENDS...

ERNIE AND BERT HAVE BEEN LIVING TOGETHER,
FOR TWENTY-FIVE YEARS.
COMPLETELY DOMESTIC,
AND BLESSED WITH A COZY APARTMENT.
ERNIE AND BERT, MAY THEY ALWAYS BE WELCOME,
ON SESAME STREET.
OR YOUR STREET, OR MINE!
LET'S PRAISE THEIR DEVOTION,
THEIR OUTWARD DISPLAYS OF EMOTION.
THEY BICKER, THEY TEASE, IT'S A LIVIN'.
IT'S TIME THEY WERE GIVEN THREE CHEERS.
BECAUSE ERNIE AND BERT HAVE BEEN LIVING TOGETHER,
FOR TWENTY-FIVE YEARS
FOR TWENTY-SIX YEARS..
TWENTY SEVEN LONG YEARS!
LIVING TOGETHER FOR ALL OF THOSE YEARS!

(JUSTIN is out of breath during the following..)

That's what I wanted: I wanted to be.. A Muppet! I wanted the kind of relationship that Ernie and Bert have, Marty!. Fuzzy, furry, comfy, cozy, life-long, and discreet!

(Long pause for music as JUSTIN catches his breath)

Why did Marty's passions frighten me so much? I apologized to Marty.. first out of bed.. and then in bed.. then under the bed..

(a humorous aside)

I like prepositions..

Weeks later, Marty called me up after his ACT-UP meeting:

"Justin, we're doing an action at St. Patrick's Cathedral to protest the Church's homophobic policies. We Must Have Pride, Justin!" Marty figured I might participate in this one since I'm an ex-Catholic." "Marty, I can't do this with you.

"Why not, Justin? We Must Have Pride! We Must Have Pride"

"Would you stop it with the We Must Have Pride chant, Marty? I have pride, Marty.. plenty of pride. I can't do this with you.. 'cause it's the Church!"

"Didn't you say you were an ex-Catho.."

"But it's the CHURCH, Marty..!

(JUSTIN calms down)

I can't do this with you, Marty, but, maybe.. I'll watch from the street.. maybe I can do that..

WE MUST HAVE PRIDE..
HE TELLS ME SO.
AND EVEN THOUGH,
I SAY "I FEEL IT,"
THE TRUTH IS.. I DON'T KNOW.
DO I MARCH WITH HIM, WITH ACT-UP?
BRINGING TRAFFIC TO A HALT?
DO I WANT THE WORLD TO HATE ME,
TO SAY IT'S ALL MY FAULT?
TO BE DISPLAYED..
TO BE AFRAID..
TO FIND MY PRIDE?

I'VE GOT MY PRIDE
(JUST NOT AS LOUD).
I'LL PROVE I'M PROUD,
ON THE SIDELINES
CHEERING ON THE CROWD?
SOME ARE MEANT FOR BATTLE, SOME ARE NOT.
I'VE GOT MY PRIDE!
MY PRIDE, MY WAY..

AND WHEN I SAY,
TO HIM, "I WILL NOT BE ARRESTED,"
HE MAKES JOKES HOW GOOD I'D LOOK IN HANDCUFFS, THAT'S OKAY.
HOW CAN HE BELIEVE
BY PLAYING DEAD IN THE STREET,
HE'LL MAKE HISTORY...SOMEDAY!
HOW CAN THAT BE?
I'M WITH A FOOL..
OR ELSE..
THE FOOL IS ME..

HE WEARS HIS PRIDE
FOR ALL TO SEE
AND THOUGH I REAL-
LY DO RESPECT HIM,
DO I..DOES HE.. ME?
HE DESERVES A PARTNER ON HIS SIDE
WITH PRIDE TO SPARE..
WHO DOESN'T CARE..
IF PEOPLE LOOK AT THEM,
AND SNEER AND JEER AND SWEAR.
THE GLARE OF PRIDE,
IS MUCH TOO BRIGHT FOR ME.
AND SO TONIGHT,
I'LL DO WHAT'S RIGHT..
I'LL SET HIM FREE..

(Wistfully, as if in a dream)

And I did set him free, and the amazing thing is that Marty never tried to get me to change my mind. But he did do one thing. Marty apologized to me.

"Why are you apologizing, Marty?"

"FOR LOVING THE PERSON I WANTED YOU BE
INSTEAD THE PERSON YOU ARE."

And then he started to cry. He kissed me before leaving me alone.

I thought a lot about the time I spent with Marty. Was it all just a lie? Was I so terrible a person that Marty felt the need to change me..?

HE NEVER SAID THE WORDS, BUT I COULD
READ BETWEEN THE LINES..

AND I PICKED MYSELF UP
"NO REGRETS", I SAID
FACE FORWARD AND NO LOOKING BACK..

(JUSTIN returns "Ernie & Bert" to the shelf)

THE STREETS ARE FULL OF MEN
THAT'S THE WAY IT SEEMS TO ME
TRY AND TRY AGAIN,
I'LL MEET THE PERFECT MAN TOMORROW.
IN A STORE,
IN A PARK,
HE IS OUT THERE,
I'LL FIND HIM.
BY THE SHORE,
IN THE DARK
I AM CERTAIN HE IS LOOKING OUT FOR ME

And he was looking out for me.. well, more like stalking me.

I needed a break from computer programming for others so I could find time to do some personal projects. One of David's connections landed me a position with a major company! As in Fortune 500! I can't tell you which company for legal reasons, but when I say major I mean MAJOR!

My job?

(rattling off a list)

Ordering computers, installing computers, fixing computers, helping this whole MAJOR company standardize itself by switching over to Microsoft Office in preparation for our total submission to Bill Gates, which as you know, today, is complete. Aside from the paycheck, my favorite part of the job was hearing remarks from employees like

(Imitating a nasal secretary)

"I used to be able to do this in WordPerfect"

or..

(Imitating a dense male executive)

"I just formatted my C-Drive and now I can't find any of my files."

Where was I.. oh yes.. I was talking about being stalked! I'm sorry, I was very involved with my flashback within a flashback.

(with sadistic glee)

This executive actually typed "format-C-colon-Enter-are you sure?-Yes-Enter

(HE makes sound of an explosion)

Wipes out the whole C-drive!

(HE laughs sadistically, slaps his face, and calms down)

I'm better now. I'm sorry.. Don't ever do that to your C-drive. STALKING! For real! No detours..

(With a child's sense of wonder and adventure)

So, as I made my rounds, saving people from self-strangulation by mouse-cable, I got the distinct feeling that I was being followed. I couldn't catch who it was, but my "Spidey-sense" was definitely tingling. So, to catch my stalker in the act, I bought myself a toy. I went to this "spy store" and got myself a pair of glasses that allows you to have.. you know.. eyes in the back of your head.. So the next day, I was ready for action! I strolled through the building as I usually do and I caught him! I couldn't believe the eyes in the back of my head. It was the C.E.O. of the whole damn company.. following me! I didn't know whether to be afraid or flattered.

Perhaps he needed to have his hard-drive tweaked.. He was much more handsome than I expected him to be. And didn't I read in Crain's that he was a bachelor?

HIS NAME IS CLIFFORD
AND HE IS SUAVE AND DEBONAIR.
A PREPPY MAN WITH ENERGY AND DRIVE.
WHEN I MET CLIFFORD,
HE NEVER SEEMED THAT OLD TO ME,
THOUGH AT THE TIME THE MAN WAS PUSHING THIRTY-FIVE.

CLIFFORD'S ON THE BOARD OF SEVERAL MAJOR COMPANIES.
HIS FAM'LY OWNS A MANSION "UND" A YACHT!

I CALL HIM "CLIFFIE"
HE LIVES ON SUTTON PLACE WITH ME.
I AM ERNIE TO HIS BERT
(WE NEVER FIGHT)
THE FACT THAT CLIFFIE
FEELS DISCRETION IS THE KEY
MEANS WE NEVER MARCH ON GAY PRIDE SUNDAY
I NEVER HAVE TO MEET HIS PARENTS
AND NO ONE WILL BE JUDGING ME..
THAT'S THE LIFE!

I insisted on keeping my job at the company. I told Cliffie that I wouldn't be happy being completely supported by him. He liked that idea. Cliffie told me about a previous boyfriend who did nothing all day but lie around the house, watch movies on cable, work out and have great sex with him.

(a beat)

"And you dumped him why, Cliffie!?"

What we had was different. We got up each morning.. sometimes we made love, sometimes not.. shower, coffee and then the company limo arrived to take Cliffie to the office. I waited two minutes after he drove away and caught a cab. Frequently, we ended up in front of the office building at the same time but we never acknowledged each other. Discretion was the word.. and we both liked it that way. No questions, no complications.. At home, we had two sets of phones, one for him and one for me, When his phone rang, his machine picked it up. When his parent's came in from Newport, Cliffie put me up at the Plaza. We had privacy. We had many friends who knew us as a couple, and we went to fabulous cocktail parties.

As much as I cared about Marty.. with Cliffie, I never felt like I wasn't out of the closet enough. With Cliffie, I was the one more out, and I never pushed him. Which is why Cliffie and I made it through our third anniversary.

(To David)

David, I know you thought the whole "cloak and dagger" arrangement was.. unhealthy, but like a true friend you never judged us. You became a great friend to Cliffie, and to this day, I don't know where I'd be if it hadn't been for you.

(To the audience)

Cliffie and I went to a Gallery opening. People were "oohing" and "ahhing" over sculptures made of twisted metal. To me, it looked like a redneck lawn ornament, but what did I know about sculpture? Later, we had dinner at this adorable little bistro. While we discussed the gallery show, Cliffie removed his shoe and began doing me under the table. Well, before you say to yourself, "oh that old foot-in-crotch-under-the-table-routine," I should tell you that in addition to being an amazing businessman, Cliffie could pick things up and write legibly with his feet, so I was having a pretty good time. Cliffie had never done anything in public like this. What had come over him? Was it the wine? Was it the atmosphere of the bistro? For all I know it could have been that redneck sculpture back at the art gallery.

Anyway, Cliffie and I were soon wandering the streets. We turned down a deserted side-street. Cliffie gently took my hand. He moved in to kiss me and I trembled. Why didn't I stop him? Why didn't I stop myself? Why didn't we continue walking as we always did, not touching, not drawing attention to ourselves.

(Almost without emotion, holding it all back)

Two attackers, one baseball bat. They got our wallets. We didn't resist. They called us faggots. We said nothing in response. When it was over, I had a broken arm. Cliffie was barely conscious, his head bleeding. A small group of people turned onto our corner scaring our attackers away. Someone had a cell-phone and called for help. It took fifteen minutes for the ambulance to show up.

(a beat)

Fifteen fucking minutes..!

At St. Vincent's, they asked "what's your relationship to the patient?"

(a long silence. JUSTIN begins to fiddle)

Our whole relationship had been based on nobody asking questions.. And now..

(An uncomfortable beat. Then, a whisper)

"He's my lover"

(regular voice)

That was the first time I ever used those words. I never called Marty my lover even though he always said it of me. I gave Cliffie's name and mine before we were separated: Me, for X-rays and a cast for my arm, Cliffie.. somewhere else..

Hours passed as I held vigil outside of his room. David didn't answer and I left a message on the machine..

Please pick up this message, David I need you!

A doctor came out of Cliffie's room. He was conscious, and asking for me. I held his hand. He whispered "I love you" before losing consciousness. He was still alive, though, dammit.. pull through Cliffie. Don't leave me..

Cliffie's parents arrived. How did they find out? Who called them? Our wallets had been stolen. Turns out Cliffie was wearing a bracelet because he was allergic to penicillin. A microchip on the bracelet contained his medical records and a contact phone number.

(a beat)
Damn Computers.

His parents looked like George and Barbara Bush, but sounded like Thurston and Lovey Howell.

(Imitating Cliffie's Father: Lockjaw accent)

"Who are you and what are you doing in our son's room?" They knew who I was, and I knew they knew. David would know what to say, but I was alone with these people who wanted me removed from Cliffie's room. And there was no escape key to hit. No way to re-boot the system.

Damn you Marty for being so right..

(with desperation)

I wanted to say: "You will not have me removed from this room.. I have a right to be here! Cliffie, wake up and tell them who I am!"

(with sudden great relief)

David, thank God you're here!?

David took control. He introduced himself as Cliffie's attorney. He then informed Cliffie's parents that I was Cliffie's domestic partner and that Cliffie had named me as sole beneficiary in his will.

(a beat)

What?!!

Cliffie's mother looked like she was about to have a heart attack, but it was Cliffie who set off the bells and whistles. Swarms of doctors and nurses arrived and we were ordered from the room. It was over in five minutes.

Cliffie's parents then threatened to contest the will. As it turned out, money was not the issue. Cliffie's parents made an offer which would obliterate Cliffie's will as written.

According to their deal, I would receive everything Cliffie wanted me to have: his money, his stocks, and the house on Sutton. What they wanted was my silence about the nature of our relationship. They were not about to have their son remembered as a homosexual. Think of the talk at the country club and in the boardrooms. If I agreed to their offer, they'd leave me alone forever. If I refused their offer, they'd keep me so tied up in court 'till there was no money left.

And you thought you had problems with your in-laws.

(To David)

David, you laid the whole thing out for me. You said you'd represent me pro bono if I refused the deal. But I wanted to be left alone. I didn't want newspapers to write about me. I left Marty because I was afraid of that kind of exposure. Besides, Cliffie was never coming back. Because of those reasons, David, I agreed to their offer, and signed their non-disclosure form. After all, I'm so damn good at keeping secrets...

I'VE BEEN KEEPING SECRETS ALL MY LIFE.
A FATHER WHO BEATS HIS SON.
A HUSBAND WHO BEATS HIS WIFE
I'VE BEEN KEEPING SECRETS ALL MY LIFE.
A LOVER I DENY,
TO KEEP HIS FAM'LY'S STATUS QUO
WHAT IF I HAD JUST SAID NO?
WHAT IF I HAD JUST SAID GO
TO HELL!
WHAT IF I HAD JUST SAID:
TAKE ME TO COURT,
AND I'LL FIGHT YOU TO THE END
I AM NOT AFRAID! I AM NOT AFRAID!
I AM NOT AFRAID!!

Who am I kidding "I am not afraid." I dumped Marty because I was afraid. I gave in to Cliffie's parents because I was afraid. And now, I am considering caring for a baby. What demands am I going to ask of my child because I am afraid?

WHEN YOU GO OFF TO SCHOOL
PLEASE FOLLOW ONE SIMPLE RULE:

DO TELL YOUR FRIENDS
THAT YOU SAW PETER PAN ON BROADWAY
DO TELL YOUR FRIENDS
THAT YOU GOT TO GO BACKSTAGE
BUT DON'T TELL YOUR FRIENDS
THAT DADDY CLAPPED FOR TINKER-BELL
PEOPLE WON'T TAKE THAT VERY WELL

DON'T TELL YOUR FRIENDS
THAT DADDY HAS A BOYFRIEND
DON'T TELL YOUR FRIENDS
WE'RE JUST LIKE ERNIE AND BERT
PEOPLE ARE NOSY,
THEY'LL TEASE YOU, THEY'RE MEAN
SO PLEASE DON'T TELL THEM DADDY IS A QUEEN.

YOU'LL THANK ME, I PROMISE.
I KNOW THINGS, I'M SMART.
AND I LOVE YOU FROM THE BOTTOM OF MY HEART.

SO DO TELL YOUR FRIENDS
WE THREW A COSTUME PARTY
BUT DON'T TELL YOUR FRIENDS
HOW MANY MEN WERE WEARING HEELS
WHAT PEOPLE DON'T KNOW
WON'T HURT THEM, I SWEAR
THAT'S A FACT OF LIFE AND IT'S NOT FAIR.

IT'S NOT LIKE YOU'RE LYING.
YOU'RE BEING DISCRETE.
BE CAREFUL WITH THE PEOPLE THAT YOU MEET.

DO TELL YOUR FRIENDS
THAT DADDY REALLY LOVES YOU
DO TELL YOUR FRIENDS
HOW MUCH YOU LOVE HIM BACK
LISTEN TO DADDY, WHILE DADDY'S ON A ROLL,
IT'S GOOD ENOUGH FOR TOM, DICK AND ROSIE AND NICOLE!
DON'T BE ASHAMED OF DADDY OKAY?
BUT DON'T TELL THEM DADDY
DON'T TELL THEM DADDY IS..!

I'VE BEEN KEEPING SECRETS ALL MY LIFE
I'VE BEEN KEEPING SECRETS ALL MY LIFE..

After Cliffie died, I turned a room at the house into a gym. I needed to get my arm back into shape after the cast came off. I found a terrific personal trainer named Connie. I also studied self-defense with a very scary Lesbian.

(Changing subjects)

I still hated politics, but I finally understood that I could not be ignorant of politics. Because of that, I allowed David to take me to the second Lesbian and Gay March on Washington. I had never been to a Gay Pride parade before, and now I was making up for lost time. We were there for the whole week. We heard Congressman Gerry Studds speak. We brunched with the Lesbian And Gay Legal Association. But the day of the actual march was.. earth shattering. We took over our nation's capital.. The hotel rooms were filled by us. The restaurants were filled by us.

THE STREETS WERE FULL OF MEN..

..and women. There were speeches and cheering and wonderful people.. and almost every politician in town including President Clinton.. had left town. There was power in numbers, and for once, I felt safe.

Before we left Washington, David took me to the opening of the U.S. National Holocaust Museum. This museum was controversial, and many people never wanted it opened. My old history teacher was probably one of them. He kept prefacing the word "holocaust" with the word "alleged." In my high school there were no Jewish people to stop him.. well no openly Jewish people.

The Museum was also controversial for it's "Pink Triangle" exhibit. Jews were forced to wear the Yellow star.. of David. Homosexuals were forced to wear the pink triangle.. David kept saying that had he been there, he'd been a "double-goner."

We then came to an exhibit that.. well, basically it contained documents, proving that FDR, and most of the major newspapers at the time knew full-well that men, women and children were systematically being slaughtered by the Nazis. FDR knew this and did nothing. The newspapers knew this and wrote nothing before six million voices were silenced.

(to David)

David, you always told me that "History Remembers.." That even if it took a hundred years, that the truth would come out as to who was kind.. and who was less than kind.. And I so want to believe it..

(to the audience)

On the plane home, David came up with an idea for a museum devoted to the history of AIDS which would feature documents indicting Reagan for his apathy, or what David called "attempted passive homo-cide." Anyway, after you read about Reagan's crimes, you'd pay a donation for the privilege of throwing darts and condoms at Ronnie and Nancy hung in effigy. "Just say no, babe..take that!" Everyone on the plane was in hysterics. We laughed and laughed until David started coughing.. hacking his lungs out..

David kept his declining T-cell count a secret from me. Of course, I knew he was HIV positive, but I had never actually seen David sick. It took three months for David to die. He fought like crazy. Infection after infection hit him..

The night he died, David confessed that from the first day we met, he was in love with me, but was too afraid to say anything. He was afraid I'd reject him because he was HIV positive.

I told him how I felt.. and I held him for I don't know how long.

MAYBE I'M A FOOL,
TO DREAM FROM AFAR.
LONGING FOR YOUR TOUCH,
COMPLETELY STAR-STRUCK.

I HAD A FRIEND WHOSE NAME WAS DAVID..
NO LONGER LIVING,
BUT ALIVE IN MY HEART!
DAVID WAS GIVING AND GENEROUS,
IN MANY WAYS WHICH I NOW WILL IMPART..

I LOVE THE SWANKY BICYCLE
DAVID LEFT ME,
BEFORE DAVID LEFT US FOREVER.
AT FIRST, I FELT HOW COULD I ACCEPT THIS GIFT?
I'D BE ACCEPTING "PFFIFFT"
I TOLD HIM "THANK YOU-BUT NEVER!"

DAVID WOULD RIDE HIS BIKE AGAIN.
I WAS SO SURE
WHEN HE GOT STRONGER.
DAVID SAID "USE IT IN GOOD HEALTH
AS MINE IS POOR,
AND I CAN NO LONGER."

SO WHEN I RIDE MY BICYCLE,
IT'S SO CLEAR,
DAVID'S SPIRIT,
IS ALIVE AND FREE!
MEMORIES OF DAVID
ARE CONNECTED TO THE GIFTS HE GAVE TO ME!

David was very close to his father.. a very kind man that I'd have loved to call Dad myself..

THERE IS THE STORY OF THE PICOT.
A NAVAL PICOT, OWNED BY DAVID'S FATHER.
DAVID AND HIS FATHER WERE DEVOTED,
OH HOW THIS COAT HAD,
MEANT QUITE A LOT!
DESIGNED FOR WARMTH, AND BUILT TO LAST,
IT REMINDED DAVID HOW LOVE HELD FAST.
THE PICOT SAW KOREA,
WAY BEFORE IT GOT TO ME.
ANOTHER MEMORY OF DAVID.

WHEN DAVID LEFT HE WANTED A
BIG SOIREE' (TRES' GAY)!
A BIG SOIREE' TO SAY GOODBYE TO DAVE.
AND ON DISPLAY PUT ALL OF HIS KITCHIE KNICK-
KNACKS.
WE COULD TAKE OUR PICK,
AS A PARTY FAVOR.
I CHOSE A HULA BARBIE DOLL.
YOU TURN HER ON,
SHE STARTS GYRATING.
DAVID WAS SUCH A LOVELY FRIEND.
ALTHOUGH HE'S GONE,
HIS LIFE IS WHAT WE'RE CELEBRATING.

AND AS I STAND REMEMBERING MY FRIEND DAVID,
WHAT A BRAVE
AND JOYFUL MAN WAS HE.
MEMORIES OF DAVID,
MAKE ME THINK OF ALL THAT HAPPINESS CAN BE.
MEMORIES OF DAVID,
ARE CONNECTED TO THE BICYCLE, THE PICOT,
AND THE LOVE DAVID GAVE TO ME!

David was gone, Cliffie was gone. I heard that Marty was overseas doing legal work with the peace-corp or something like that. Once again, I was an orphan..

"Justin, the hermit-boy returned. My daily routine went like this: Wake up, breakfast, six hours at computer, work out with personal trainer Connie for three hours, computer till midnight, sleep. For six months, I never left the house. Everything was delivered: food, computer supplies.. lube. Though I shaved everyday, I let my hair grow to Fabio-length. Finally, I finished writing the computer program, the authoring software that formed the basis of my company.

I finally ended my seclusion. I had a product that I was proud of and I wanted to show it off. I went out to get a haircut, some new clothes and to see the city.

Walking down the street, I felt something had changed, like there was this big red blotch on my face and everyone was staring at it, making fun of it. I couldn't figure it out. Maybe I was just being paranoid. Later that day, when I told my trainer about it, she laughed. "Just look at yourself in the mirror." And like the ugly duckling staring at his reflection in the water, I looked at myself in the mirror.

(JUSTIN lets his bathrobe, slide off of him to the floor, revealing his transformed body in tank-top and shorts.)

I almost didn't recognize myself. I looked so..

(a beat)

..fuckable.

My trainer suggested I take myself out on the town.. and so I did. What a disaster!

Every club I went to, people were staring at me like they thought they'd seen me on "America's Most Wanted." Oh yes, I did speak with a gaggle of guys but all they talked about was workout routines and protein powder.

(a la Joanne Worley)

Boring!

I hated the smoke in the clubs and that smell that gets into your clothes.. After a few nights of this, I'd had enough! I wanted someone who understood computers, loved computers, someone who spoke C++. I wanted a fellow computer geek. And I found him.. on America Online!

HIS SCREEN NAME IS "BYTE ME."
THAT'S SPELLED B..Y..T..E,
IN A CHATROOM CALLED 'M4M NYC'..NOW..
WHEN I MET "BYTE ME,"
WHEN HE INSTANT MESSAGED ME
WHO KNEW HE'D BE SUCH A TASTY BYTE FOR ME?

NORMALLY, I'D NEVER DATE WITHIN MY INDUSTRY,
'TILL I SAW HIS PIC, AND WE 'QUICKIE-CAM'D ALL NIGHT..

HIS NAME IS BILLY,
HE REMINDS ME.. OF ME.
ONLY YOUNGER, CUTER, SMARTER..I'LL ADMIT.
AND I LIKE BILLY,
AND HE SAYS THAT HE LIKES ME
HE'S A GUY WHO MAKES MY SOFTWARE HARD,
AND SO BRILLIANT, MAKES ME FEEL RETARD-
ED,
SO EVERY TIME HE TOUCHES ME..
I SUBMIT!

The story of my boyfriends in New York City read like Goldilocks and the Three Bears.. only I got to play Goldilocks.. only more butch!

(Broad smile on "butch")

First, there was Marty-Bear, through his activism: too hot! Then, Cliffie-Bear, through his non-activism.. and the fact that he was dead: too cold.. Would Billy, my "Byte-Me Boy".. be just right?

Well, Billy and I took off like a shot.. We got off talking computer shop.. in the park.. in my house.. on planes and on trains. We even got off talking shop while getting off.. We were like twin geeks. We had our own language:

Geek-Speak!

Because of Billy, I pushed myself and did some of my best work. No longer could I escape into my world of bits and bytes, because Billy could follow me there. And the best thing we did was to not live together. To this day, I am convinced that fewer marriages would fail if you didn't actually live together. And although we didn't live together, Billy shared my bed, and I his..

SOMETIMES AT NIGHT, I WATCH YOU SLEEPING.
THE SOUND OF BREATHING FILLS THE AIR.
I WONDER IF AND WHAT YOU'RE DREAMING.
YOU SEEM TO BE FREE FROM CARE.
COULD THIS BE ME, THE ONE BESIDE YOU?
COULD THIS BE YOU, WHO COULD HAVE KNOWN?
FOR YEARS, THE THOUGHT OF THIS..I'D RULE OUT.
ACTING COOL, NOT TO SEEM SO ALONE.

TELL ME PLEASE, THAT THIS IS JUST A DREAM.
I'VE HAD DREAMS LIKE THIS BEFORE.
SO AT EASE, FOR ONCE, I DON'T CARE HOW,
I CAN HANDLE BEING SO CONTENT.....FOR NOW.

THE MEN I DREAMED WERE MEN OF FICTION.
MY STANDARDS FAR TOO...GRANDIOSE.
I WAS A "HARLEQUIN" ROMANTIC,
SO NO MAN COULD EVER GET CLOSE.

NO MORE CLOSING OFF MY HEART TO LOVE.
NO MORE STANDARDS FAR TOO GRAND.
JUST SUPPOSING THIS IS LOVE, SOMEHOW.
I WILL HANDLE BEING SO CONTENT...FOR NOW.

THIS IS PLEASANT,
AND I WON'T PLAN MY LIFE BEYOND TODAY.
HERE, WITH YOU, IN THE PRESENT,
UNCONCERNED WITH TOMORROW OR...YESTERDAY.

I NEVER PLANNED ON YOUR ARRIVAL.
I NEVER PLANNED FOR ANYONE.
BUT WHEN YOU KNOCKED ME OFF MY HIGH-HORSE,
TO MY SURPRISE..JUST LOOK WHAT YOU'VE DONE.

THROUGH YOUR LOVE, I'VE LEARNED TO BARE MY SOUL.
SHARING FEARS I'VE HELD INSIDE.
THIS ABOVE ALL ELSE HAS HELPED ME GROW.
I CAN SAY FOR ONCE, I'M SO CONTENT..

ALONE BESIDE YOU IN THE STILL OF NIGHT.
HALF AWAKE, I WATCH YOU DREAM.
WHAT I DENIED MYSELF I NOW ALLOW
I JUST LOVE IT: BEING SO CONTENT....FOR NOW.

I established a scholarship for openly gay law students in David's name. Billy had to be out of town and could not attend the ceremony. I joined Digital Queers, the Lesbian and Gay Computer group. Billy came to a few meetings, but had family commitments and could not march with us on Pride Day..

HIS NAME IS BILLY
HE REMINDS ME OF ME
ONLY YOUNGER..

My social world blossomed, and I'll admit it, I spent less time with Billy. After two years.. Billy told me he was leaving me..

"Why?", I asked. No answer, he just sat there..

(JUSTIN knows he's about to be left)

"Billy, I know I've been busy with the scholarship, with Digital Queers, with benefits and charities, my work, but I want you to be a part of these things. don't I always ask you to join me? It's not like I'm asking you to lie down in the middle of the street and get arrested. Don't we have something special? Why do you want to end that now?"

PLEASE DON'T SAY THE ROMANCE IS DEAD.
WE'RE DOWN, BUT NEVER GONE.
PLEASE DON'T SAY THAT..HOW CAN IT BE TRUE?
WE DO THE THINGS WE DO: WE FIGHT, WE FUMBLE.
BUT WE RECOVER, WE DISCOVER FEELINGS STILL FLOW.

YOU SAY WE'RE HANGING ON BY A THREAD.
WELL THAT I CAN'T DENY.
HANGING ON, SURE, DOESN'T MEAN WE FALL.
IF WE GIVE OUR ALL FOR ALL THE TIMES WE STUMBLE.
WE'VE BEEN TOGETHER MUCH TOO LONG,
FOR HOLDING BACK....WHAT IS WRONG.
DON'T BE GLUM, JUST TELL ME
SOMETHING I DON'T KNOW.

TELL ME SOMETHING..ANYTHING.
THE REASON WHY YOU HIDE.
WHAT GIVES YOU PAIN, AND PAUSE ENOUGH,
TO LOCK YOURSELF INSIDE?

DON'T TURN AWAY, LOOK AND LISTEN.
HUSH, YOU'LL BE JUST FINE.
REST YOUR HEAD AND LET ME STROKE...YOUR HAIR.
WHEN YOU NEED ME THERE I'M THERE.
THIS IS A TRUST I'M SUGGESTING.
STAY AND TELL ME DEAR,
FOR NOTHING YOU COULD FEAR,
IS DUMB, SO TELL ME..
SOMETHING I DON'T KNOW...

SO CLOSE YOUR EYES AND CATCH A BREATH!
AND OPEN WIDE YOUR HEART.
IT WON'T BE EASY, WON'T BE HARD.
BUT NOW'S THE TIME TO START!

WE MAY BE HANGING ON BY A THREAD,
BUT YES, WE'RE HANGING ON.
ISN'T THAT WORTH ANYTHING AT ALL.
SO IF WE FALL WE FALL,
BUT WE CAN JUST CLIMB TOGETHER.
FIGHT, BUT DON'T LET GO!
FROM PAIN, OUR LOVE CAN GROW,
AND OH, PLEASE TELL ME SOMETHING I DON'T KNOW.
MY LOVE PLEASE TELL ME,
SOMETHING I DON'T KNOW!

Billy changed his mind! That night we had the best "make-up sex." How good was it..? Woof! During the next week, I kept thinking, why hadn't Marty fought for me the way I fought for Billy? Why did I fight so hard for Billy? It didn't matter in the end, because I got a final "Dear Justin" letter. Email break-up. Official reason: I was simply "too gay" for Billy..

(Shouting)

You created a monster, Marty!

DON'T LOOK BACK.
NO REGRETS,
SO I SCREWED UP COMPLETELY.
GET BACK ON TRACK
PLACE YOUR BETS
THAT THE NEXT MAN IN MY LIFE WILL BE MY LAST

THE STREETS ARE FULL OF MEN
THAT'S THE WAY IT SEEMS TO ME.
TRY AND TRY AGAIN,
I'LL MEET THE PERFECT MAN TOMORROW.
HE'LL BE HOT!
HE'LL BE HUNG
AND HE'LL THINK I'M TERRIFIC
(I AM NOT)
BUT HE'LL BE YOUNG,
AND HE'LL WANT TO SPEND HIS LIFE WITH ME

No.. I am not prepared to get close to another man. I have my work.. I have programs to write.. programs to de-bug.. programs to make perfect..

THE STREETS ARE FULL OF MEN
NOT DEMANDING MUCH FROM ME
A QUICK 'HELLO' AND THEN
NO COMMITMENTS, NO DESERTIONS
WITH THE SWEAT
WITH THE HEAT
WITH A CONDOM, WITH NO EXCEPTIONS
WITH MEN I'VE MET
ON THE STREET
WANTING NOTHING MORE THAN QUICKIES IN THE CORNER
OF A STORE
BLOOMINGDALES
WHEN I NEED IT
I FIND IT!
MORE AND MORE
IT NEVER FAILS,
WHEN I NEED A PICKER-UPPER
I CAN PICK A PICKLE.
I CAN PECK A PIPER'S PETER
POKING IN THE DARK..
OR BY THE SHORE..
IN THE PARK..
TO WANT SOME MORE..
TO BE A WHORE..
I'VE JUST BEGUN,
TO HAVE MY FUN!
I LOSE CONTROL
I FEEL THE RUSH OF DANGER
LESSENS LONELINESS, GOD KNOWS WHY
I FEEL ALIVE BESIDE A HANDSOME STRANGER
SINK OR SWIM, DO OR DIE
I'M GETTING CARRIED AWAY BY ALL MY EXCUSES

Stop it!

CARRIED AWAY BY ALL OF MY BULLSHIT

Stop it!!

CARRIED AWAY..CARRIED AWAY..!

CARRIED AWAY.. CARRIED AWAY!

(at the top of his lungs: a shriek)

STOP!!!!!

(A quiet realization)

My father was addicted to alcohol. My mother was addicted to my father. I was addicted... to dick.

(To David)

"The Hands of the Guardian," a CD-ROM game program. It's like "Dungeons and Dragons" but scarier. While going on this adventure, you meet up with these characters, each one offering to help you on your quest.. But not all of these characters are good, David. Some of them are only pretending to be on your side. Some of them will try to steal your treasure, some will try to beat you.. some of them will demean you and insult you, and some will simply abandon you..

I suppose that's why I identify with this baby. She needed someone to hold her, and care for her, and simply love her..

BRAVE CHILD,
LOST CHILD
TOSSED AWAY TO THE SNOW
ABANDONED,
FRIGHTENED
I TOO KNOW WHAT YOU KNOW
TOO WEAK TO LIVE
TOO STRONG TO DIE
YOU CRY OUT
I AM THERE
I SWEAR I'LL
SHIELD YOU
SEALED WITH MY LOVE..
BRAVE CHILD..

ONCE UPON A TIME IN A KINGDOM KNOWN AS "HOME,"
LIVED A CHILD SO INNOCENT,
SO UN-AFRAID TO ROAM..
TO CLIMB, TO REACH, TO TOUCH,TO FEEL, TO DREAM.
SO PROUD AND STRONG!

THE CHILD HAD TWO GUARDIANS (THE CUSTOM AT THE TIME)
BECAUSE OF JEALOUSY AND ENVY,
DECLARED HIS JOY A CRIME!
"THIS JOY REMINDS US OF THE PAIN THAT MAKES US SCREAM! "
"IT WON'T FOR LONG..."

SO THEY CAST A SPELL (THE BEST THEY COULD AFFORD)
THE CHILD WOULD SHARE THEIR PAIN
THUS FAMILY PEACE WOULD BE RESTORED.
BUT THE SPELL WAS WEAK, OR THE CHILD HAD TOO MUCH JOY.
THE SPELL COMPLETELY FAILED, SO THEY BEAT THE LITTLE BOY.

AT THE HANDS OF THE GUARDIAN.
BEATEN WITH A MAGIC WAND,
HE FELT THE PAIN FOR SURE.
AT THE HANDS OF THE GUARDIAN,
HE NEVER CRIED,
INSIDE HE PLANNED THE DAY HE'D RUN AWAY FOR EVERMORE.

YEARS WENT BY, THE YOUNG MAN LEARNED TO SUFFER AND ENDURE.
HE CLOSED HIS HEART. HE VOWED,
THEY'D NEVER HURT HIM ANYMORE.
ON FOOT, BY BOAT, BY UNICORN, HE RAN AT LAST.
TO ESCAPE HIS PAST..

AND HE SEARCHED FOR JOY, THAT ONCE POSSESSED HIS SOUL.
HE YEARNED FOR LOVE, HE THOUGHT COULD MAKE HIM WHOLE.
ONE DAY HE MET A MAN, WITH WHOM HE GREW QUITE FOND.
BUT SOON FOUND THIS MAN POSSESSED A BIGGER MAGIC WAND.

AT THE HANDS OF THE GUARDIAN.
THE BEATINGS WERE RELIABLE,
AND IGNORANCE IS BLISS.
AT THE HANDS OF THE GUARDIAN.
SO WELL-TRAINED,
ENGRAINED TO FEEL THAT BEATINGS ARE MORE COZY THAN A KISS.

ONE DAY, WHILE OFF ON HIS OWN,
WAND'RING THE WOODS, IN SEARCH OF A NEW MAGIC WAND.
AN UNFAMILIAR PATH LED HIM TOWARDS THE UNKNOWN,
TO A SECLUDED, MYSTICAL, MAGICAL CRYSTALLINE POND.

AS HE WASHED HIS HANDS IN THE COOL CLEAN WATERS..
THE POND REFLECTED BACK THE YOUNG MAN'S HIDDEN SOUL.
AND HE SAW THE JOY, THE CHILD HE USED TO BE.
HE KNEW HOW FAR HE'D STRAYED...AND HIS TEARS WERE FLOWING FREE.

SO EVERY DAY, HE RETURNED TO THESE WATERS.
FOR AN HOUR EVERY DAY, HE WAS FINDING HIS JOY.
THE CHILD INSIDE THE MAN NEVER DIED,
AND THE MAGIC WAND THAT STRIPPED ALL HIS PRIDE,
WAS BROKEN!

ONCE UPON A TIME, IN A KINGDOM KNOWN AS HOME.
LIVED A YOUNG MAN (NOT SO INNOCENT),
YET UNAFRAID TO ROAM.
TO REACH, TO STRIVE, HIS HEART ALIVE,
TO SING HIS SONG!
SO PROUD AND STRONG!

AND HE KNEW AT LAST THAT SHAME WAS NOT HIS FATE.
THAT HE COULD NOT BLAME THE PAST,
OR THE HATEFUL MATES HE'D MATE.
THE POWER WAS HIS, WITH HIS LIFE NOW IN HIS HANDS.
HIS HEART NOW OPEN WIDE, AND A SMILE, HE UNDERSTANDS

AT THE HANDS OF THE GUARDIAN,
EVERY CHILD IS INNOCENT,
WHEN VICTIMIZED BY PAIN.
AT THE HANDS OF THE GUARDIAN.
SUCH CONGAG-
IOUS RAGE IS PASSED FROM GUARDIAN TO CHILD,
AND SO ON...LIKE A CHAIN!

BREAK THE CHAIN COMPLETELY.
BY SIMPLY LETTING GO
OF THE HANDS OF THE GUARDIAN,
THE PAST CAN ON-
LY OWN US,
AS LIFE HAS ALWAYS SHOWN US
IF WE GIVE AWAY THE POWER,
AND THE JOYFULNESS,
WE ALL POSSESS INSIDE.
WE MUST HAVE PRIDE..

(The phone rings for the first time.)

Hello!.. Hi.. I missed you so much today. Yeah, the phone must have just gotten switched on..

(Listens)

Oh, Nothing much..

(Listens)

Marty, when was the last time I said "I loved you?"

(JUSTIN smiles)

Come home soon..

(He hangs up the phone.)

THIS COULD BE THE PERFECT NURSERY.
THE TOYS, A CRIB
SO PERFECT FOR A BABY..

There is a two week old, beautiful baby girl in need of love and care. She is in the same hospital where David died. Am I ready to become a father? I don't know. But whatever happens, my life is forever changed. And I will do whatever I can to make certain her life is easier than mine ever was.. And David, I'll think of you every day of my life.

I CAN SEE A TIME, SOMETIME TOMORROW,
WHEN THE BATTLES THAT WE FIGHT TODAY ARE NOTHING BUT A BLUR.
AND WE GATHER TO RECALL,
TO LOOK BACK ON IT ALL.
WILL HIST'RY SAY JUST WHO AND WHAT WE WERE?

WHO SPOKE THE TRUTH, WHEN TRUTH WAS PAINFUL?
WHO SAID WITH GREAT DESPAIR, "THERE'S NOTHING I CAN DO"?
WHO WAS WEAK? WHO WAS STRONG?
WHO WAS JUSTIFIED, OR JUST WRONG?
WHEN THE CURE IS FOUND AND CELEBRA-
TIONS FADE, WILL HISTORY FINALLY SAY:

WHO WAS KIND AND WHO WAS LESS THAN KIND?
WHO GAVE THE GIFT OF LOVE, AND WHO TURNED AWAY IN FEAR?
WHO WERE THE SOLDIERS BRAVELY MARCHING INTO THE FRAY?
HISTORY REMEMBERS.....SOMEDAY.

WILL A CHILD READ ABOUT US IN A SCHOOLBOOK?
WILL AN ESSAY QUESTION ASK FOR HOW WE STOOD UP FOR OUR LIVES?
WILL ANYONE BE BLAMED?
WILL A PRESIDENT BE SHAMED,
FOR ATTEMPTED PASSIVE HOMO-CIDE?
WILL HISTORY AT LAST DECIDE:

WHO WAS KIND AND WHO WAS LESS THAN KIND?
WHO GAVE THE GIFT OF LOVE, AND WHO TURNED AWAY IN FEAR?
WHO WERE THE SOLDIERS BRAVELY MARCHING INTO THE FRAY?
HISTORY REMEMBERS.....SOMEDAY.

WHY NOT TODAY?
WHY WAIT FOR ANOTHER TO HELP US ON OUR WAY?
BREAK THE SILENCE!
BY RAISING VOICES!
MAKING CHOICES!
LET COMPASSION SMOTHER DOUBT!
HISTORY WILL SORT OUT,

WHO WAS KIND AND WHO WAS LESS THAN KIND,
WHO GAVE THE GIFT OF LOVE, AND WHO TURNED AWAY IN FEAR,
WHO WERE THE SOLDIERS BRAVELY MARCHING INTO THE FRAY,
HISTORY REMEMBERS....SOMEDAY.
HISTORY REMEMBERS......SOMEDAY.

(slow fade-to black)