Superimposed, centrally at the bottom of the screen:
Place:.......................................................The Vatican
Time: .................................................The Papal Debates

2......INT. A LARGE MEETING ROOM, THE SITE OF THE PAPAL DEBATES.

The camera pans across a crowd, crossing the room from left to right, strafing it as if sidestepping through from the entrance. We are fairly far back in the crowd, and we see an odd mixture of crowd members: Jews, in full orthodox garb, and Catholics, in bishop clothing. As we reach the center of the room, we see distantly in front of us two men standing in front of the crowd. One, the current pope, wearing the...uh... pope hat, and the other an orthodox Jew, wearing a yarmulke. The camera slowly zooms in as the two are speaking, reaching a close shot consisting of just the two of them where marked. The Pope is making his arguments in Latin, saying random words like "sausage baseball trophy wall" but only someone who speaks Latin would know that. The subtitles come up on the screen making perfect sense.

POPE (subtitled)
We in the Catholic church are shocked and appalled that a non-Catholic.... that a non-CHRISTIAN has entered the running for the papacy! Especially since the papacy is not an office that can be run for!

The Jewish man, Murray Goldberg, retorts, but in Hebrew, also speaking nonsense, gesturing with his hands in stereotypically Jewish fashion.

GOLDBERG (subtitled)
The pope is one of the most powerful men on earth! An earth which is falling to ruins! We need new, different blood in here.

POPE (subtitled)
The Pope is a Catholic-

*End of zoom*

GOLDBERG (subtitled)
Ah, Catholic Shmatholic... You need a total reformation, A total change! Oy vey, you need the first Jewish pope!

Jewish component of crowd cheers and throws their yarmulkes in the air as if they were high school graduates.

Full shot of Pope.

POPE (subtitled)
This is insane!

Full shot of Goldberg.

GOLDBERG (subtitled)
I'll show you insane!

Closeup on Goldberg's hand as he then pulls a meatball out of his pocket, soft and uncooked. The camera pulls back from his hand, as he winds up to throw the meatball. The meatball is then thrown directly into the camera's lens and we cut away from that shot just before the meatball hits the camera, switching to a shot from exactly the opposite perspective, directly behind the meatball as it strikes the Pope in the face. {splat!} The meatball remains stuck to his face for about a second and a half, then slides off, dropping from his chin to the floor. It leaves a saucy residue on the Pope's face. A hush falls over the crowd. The Pope wipes the goo straight down from his face with one hand, and looks highly insulted. He reaches into his own pocket, and throws a meatball of his own. The throw is totally off, and the shot lands in the crowd. A riot erupts. suddenly, people are pulling dozens of meatballs out of their coat pockets, purses, anything handy, and throwing them at each other. There are many close-ups of hands pulling meatballs from pockets, throwing them, etc. At some point in the chaos, the camera pans back in a crane shot from the center of the room, surveying the madness in a 360 degree shot. A meatball strikes the lens and it falls back into the crowd rapidly. This will be referred to in the movie as the legendary Great Meatball War. Goldberg hurries out of the room, and comes back with a pot marked "special reserves". The camera is behind and above him as he opens the pot, looking straight down into the pot. When he opens it up, we cut to a shot from the same angle, but closer, and we see that it is full of overdone, black, rock solid meatballs. He pulls one (of maybe 30) out of the pot and throws it with all his might. It hits the current pope in the head, producing a classic {{boink}} sound effect. Close on the Pope, he goes cross-eyed and he falls dead. We just cut back and forth to Goldberg throwing and people being hit, with agonized screams drawn from old war movies.

During this, we see a Catholic get hit in the bishop hat with a meatball. He takes it off, looking at the mark that was left, and we copy the scene with the unlucky soldier from "Saving Private Ryan". As the other Catholics are telling him how lucky he is, he gets hit in the head with another one and is killed.

In the end, only Jews remain standing, marked by their yarmulkes. But we see one Italian, who puts on a yarmulke and pretends to be celebrating. This is the enemy, Vito Corleone (Godfather infringement, yes, referencing THAT Vito Corleone). He'll be killed off, but not before he alerts the Polish infantry of Goldberg's plan to invade.

Goldberg climbs back up onto the podium where he initially stood.

GOLDBERG (in English)
My people! This is the day we have been longing for! Today, I shall be crowned... the first Jewish pope!

Loud Cheering from the other Jews as Goldberg takes the hat off the dead pope's head and puts it on his own. He looks up at the ceiling as a radiant glow overtakes his face, which sports a huge smile.

"Hava Nagila" starts up, everyone gets into a circle, dancing, etc.

3.......INT. A US GOVERNMENT BUILDING WITH RADAR MONITORS, ETC.

An important looking man stands and talks into the phone.

GOVERNMENT OFFICIAL
Yes. What? Dear God!

He hangs up, a subordinate appears behind him.

SUBORDINATE
What is it, sir?

GOVERNMENT OFFICIAL
That was the Vatican. They've... there's been a.... A Jewish guy just crowned himself pope!

SUBORDINATE
The first Jewish pope?

4........EXT. MILLIONS OF PEOPLE WATCH AS GOLDBERG GIVES A SPEECH-NIGHT, WITH TORCHES ILLUMINATING THE POPE

Initially, this shot is extremely distant and wide, hundreds of thousands of people are able to be seen milling about with torches... we slowly zoom in towards the Vatican, which is the central figure on the screen... as we move in towards it, we cut in images of different people in attendance talking to each other, and we can see that they are from all walks of life... Black, white, rich, poor, young, old, etc. When we reach a fairly close position, the camera motion stops, and we see Goldberg walk up a side stairway with his assistance onto the balcony of the Vatican, which is essentially an elevated stage attached to the outer wall. He steps up to a microphone.

GOLDBERG
People of Italy! I stand before you today at the dawning of a new age.... the age of the Jewish Pope! You will see! You will see the power and majesty of this new era!

Close on the people from Goldberg's POV, total silence, sound of crickets.

Closer shot, totally taken up by the stage.

GOLDBERG
(to his assistants standing beside him) What's it take to get a reaction from these people?

An idea comes over him, indicated by the light bulb that turns on above his head. He turns around and switches it off, as it was an actual light on the wall. He whispers to his assistants. The camera cuts back to a shot as full and wide as the one which started this scene. They put the torches out. All is blackness. All of a sudden, a spotlight goes up, and we are at a midrange distance. The pope is wearing sunglasses. And someone puts on a record... suddenly, the pope is rapping. "Ice, Ice, baby..." (Vanilla Ice infringement)
A few seconds into the rapping, we move to the close on stage position, and the record starts to skip, and he is stuck in all his Milli Vanilli-ish glory, lip-synching the same two words over and over. "Ice, ice" <skip> He starts to sing "baby", then pauses when he realizes what's happening. He just starts lip-synching with the skipping. Ice, ice"<skip> "Ice, ice"...

The crowd is laughing hysterically by now.

GOLDBERG (to assistants)
Oy, vey... turn the music off! To the Pope cave!

The Batman theme starts up, but accelerated to about three times the speed...and backwards. The pope and his assistants turn around and run through the doors behind them, then slide down a pole into a cave. When they start off, they're in full pope and bodyguard outfits, when they hit the bottom, they're wearing full-body Jewish clothes. Black, black yarmulke, etc. (Batman Infringement!) But Goldberg isn't wearing any pants.

5......INT. THEY'RE IN AN UNDERGROUND MILITARY FORTRESS. THIS IS THE POPE CAVE.

GOLDBERG
Oy, that hurts. Why doesn't anyone install an elevator down here?

ASSISTANT 1
The last Pope was going to... but he only got a 5 % discount for being the most important man in the Catholic religion, so he got upset and changed his mind.

GOLDBERG
Well, get those elevator salesmen back here. And get me some pants!

ASSISTANT 2
Yes, your holiness, right away.

GOLDBERG
Yes... right. Okay.

He starts walking around the vast Pope cave. Looking at all the men working at the monitors and machines. He walks up to one of them, and sees him typing away at a high-tech computer terminal.

GOLDBERG
You, what do you do here?

TECHNICIAN
I run this machine, sir.

GOLDBERG
And what does the machine do?

TECHNICIAN
It cues the other people in this movie to come on.

GOLDBERG
Movie? What are you talking about!?

TECHNICIAN
Watch!

He types away at a few buttons. Boba Fett comes charging on screen, blaster in hand. He pauses, looks around, and lifts up his helmet. He looks like a total nerd, with thick black glasses and severe acne, and he talks in a high, cracking, Urkelish voice. (Another Star Wars infringement)

BOBA
What's going on here? Where is everyone?

TECHNICIAN
Sorry, I was just proving something to his holiness. You're not on until scene 24.

BOBA leaves, grumbling.

GOLDBERG
What the hell was that?

TECHNICIAN
Boba Fett. He's not supposed to be here until scene 24. We had to bring him in because the tap-dancing camel had to cancel at the last minute.

GOLDBERG
Right, then. Hey, where are my pants?

TECHNICIAN
Oh, I'll print you out a copy.

He types away at his computer, and out of the printer comes a pair of neatly folded black pants. Goldberg looks at the computer, to the technician, back and forth a few times.

GOLDBERG
This place is nuts! No wonder the last pope quit!

What looks like Mr. Peanut pokes his head in around a corner.

NUTTY MCNUTTERNUT (in a voice strongly resembling that of Barney the Dinosaur)
Did somebody say nuts?

Everyone ignores him; he backs out after a moment.

ASSISTANT 1
Uh, he didn't quit, your holiness... you killed him with a meatball. During the "Great Meatball War". Remember?

GOLDBERG (evil smile on his face as he remembers)
Oh yeah, hehe, I smashed him good. I'm not surprised no one cares. He wasn't Catholic either. He was really just a filthy Mexicist.

ASSISTANT 2
Actually, sir, the Mexicist religion is one of the fastest rising in popularity. Because of all the border-crossing going on down at the Rio Grande...

GOLDBERG
Ah, it'll never last.

ASSISTANT 1
Oh, sir, here's something we're quite proud of. Our greatest technical achievement of all time. We've prepared a beautiful and talented robot, who is more human than lots of real people... like Ken Starr...or Jerry Springer... or anyone Russian.

GOLDBERG
Hey, leave the Russians out of this. They promised me 200 liters of vodka not to make fun of them in this movie. I know, that's not much.... Yeltsin drinks six times that amount every 11 hours... but I don't feel like getting in any squabbles with any impulsive Reds.

ASSISTANT 2
I thought you didn't realize this was a movie!

GOLDBERG
Uh... yes... that was... hey, look over there!

He points off screen, everyone turns to look, including the camera. When we turn back, GOLDBERG is trying to sneak away. (Ouch, we take a stab at Wayne's World!)

ASSISTANT 2
All right, get back here! Besides, Russia isn't communist anymore. The Soviet Union disbanded.

We NOW steal scene from Simpsons. We show a Russian with a shirt reading "Kiss me, I'm Russian."

RUSSIAN
That's what we wanted you to think! GWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!

He rips off his shirt to reveal one that says "Kneel before me, I'm a Soviet!" He then runs off, still laughing wildly. (Simpsons infringement)

Everyone is standing around, looking at each other.

ASSISTANT 1
O....kay..... anyway, here's your beautiful new assistant, Candace!

He pulls back a curtain, at which point we either cut to a video of a donkey,
Or to a picture of a deformed fetus. The second one may prove to be in bad taste... even too bad for this movie!

ASSISTANT 1
Oops... wrong curtain.

He pulls back another curtain, revealing a very attractive girl.

ASSISTANT 1
Tammy, they're shooting the porno next door!

TAMMY
Oh, sorry.

She cracks her gum, twirls her hair with her finger, and leaves.

ASSISTANT 1
I know Candace is around here somewhere... third time's the charm.

He swings open the third curtain and walks in.

GOLDBERG
What's in there?

The assistant comes out holding a trinket of some sort.

ASSISTANT 1
The charm.

Suddenly, a hand grabs him from behind. It's Candace, finally!

ASSISTANT 1
Ah, Candace. Glad you could join us. This is your master, the Pope.

Candace seems to be human, but only because they have used enough technology to make her more human than a Frenchman.

CANDACE
Hello, master.

GOLDBERG
Please, don't ever call me master!

CANDACE
Why not, master?

GOLDBERG
Well, the family that raised me was named Bates. So, if I'm "master", that sort of makes me...

CANDACE
(laughs) Oh yes, I understand. Why did this family raise you, rather than your own?

GOLDBERG
Well... this is hard to talk about... my family was killed in an iguana stampede. All crushed to death, very sad. So, I sort of fell in with a bad crowd... the Amish. You know, one thing about the Amish you would never suspect, is that they spend all their spare time having hot, loud, hardcore sex.

We flashback to the Amish people he lived with.

5.......INT. An Amish bedroom. Very plain.

We hear the sounds of the Amish couple, but see only rustling sheets and fragmented images of hats and beards.

AMISH WOMAN (In an unwavering monotone voice)
Oh ye, oh ye, oh ye. Give it to me, Jebediah. Oh ye, oh ye. Give it to me buggy style. Oh ye. Give it to me, you Abe Lincoln-looking mother-

We stop the flashback just before she finishes.

6.......INT. Back at the Pope cave.

GOLDBERG
But then, a nice pair of carnies took me out of that hellhole. Sure, they smelled like cabbage (Austin Powers infringement!), but they didn't force me to listen to their groaning through the walls every night! They sent me outside in a tent.

Cut for a second to Goldberg squatting inside a shabby tent in a heavily wooded area, stars shining above.

CANDACE
They may have enjoyed themselves, but if you asked, I would pleasure you at anytime in anyplace, in any way. For as long as you could possibly desire. (Hot Shots infringement)

GOLDBERG
Whoa, whoa. I'm the Pope now. I've gotta stay pure. Pristine. The opposite of Mexican water. You understand?

ASSISTANT 1
Are you quite sure, sir? She's extremely good...

GOLDBERG
HEY! You two, don't touch her either.

ASSISTANT 2 (whispering to ASSISTANT 1)
Uh-oh. I don't think we're in Candace, anymore. (Wizard of Oz infringement!)

7.....INT. A GOVERNMENT INSTALLATION, DIFFERENT FROM THE AMERICAN ONE IN SCENE 2

We see Vito Corleone discussing the problems at a round table (This provides subtle King Arthur infringement, and thereby even subtler Star Wars infringement.)

CORLEONE
Gentleman, as you know, our entire way of being is threatened by this man,
this... Goldberg. We have to find a way to stop him.

Across from him is another, unnamed Italian, but we'll code name him Lancelot.

LANCELOT
Vito...

CORLEONE
That's Mr. Corleone to you, buddy.

LANCELOT
Right. Anyway, He has already developed quite a following. Everyone loves him. Well,
except the Neo-Nazis, but they're mostly a bunch of rednecks anyway.

The door to the room opens slightly, a hand reaches in and knocks. He then retracts his hand, opens the door and walks in. He turns out to be a stereotypical hillbilly, wearing a swastika patch.

NEO-NAZI
Y'all mind repeating that?

One of Corleone's guards pulls out a laughably fake gun and
fires. Our blood squib erupts, spraying very fake-looking blood on the wall.

LANCELOT
Ahem. As I was saying, I don't think we're going to be able to get rid of
this guy. I fear for our whole way of life.

Corleone stands up. This is a mockery of a big, inspiring speech...

CORLEONE
Fear? FEAR? We can't have fear here! Fear leads to anger, anger leads to
hate, hate leads to suffering, suffering leads to Wisconsin, the foot bone is
connected to the leg bone, the leg bone is connected to the red thing, the
red thing is connected to my wristwatch- (Star Wars AND Simpsons
infringement!)

Lancelot cuts him off.

LANCELOT
Uh, sir, you're just ranting on and on.

Corleone is suddenly quiet, subtly apologetic.

CORLEONE
Oh, was I? Yeah, I hate when I do that. Sometimes I go on and on for hours
without realizing it. Why, when I was just ten years old my mother used to
tell me, "Vito, you're breaking your poor mama's heart. Why do you never stop
talking?" My mother also made the best spaghetti in town. I wish I had some
right now. I also wish I had some tomato sauce, and maybe some meatballs
leftover from the war. That would be great. We could have a big feast. We'll
probably have one after we kick the pope out. We-

LANCELOT
SIR, You're doing it again!

Corleone stares down at his chest.

CORLEONE (whispers)
Sorry.

8......EXT. OUTSIDE THE VATICAN BUILDING

The Pope is standing in front of the masses again, this time with shades and
an electric guitar. We see him apparently finish up a song from Wayne's World,

{{Chord}}

GOLDBERG
...and her name was Candace....

GOLDBERG
Thank you, thank you. Here's one you probably won't remember, because I made
it up myself!

He starts playing "The Times They Are A-Changing" By Bob Dylan. The crowd hushes, and you hear individuals saying "You didn't write that!" and "Everyone knows that one!" And other things to that effect.

The Pope turns to his assistants.

GOLDBERG
Uh-oh, they're wising up! This bird's gotta fly! To the Pope Cave!

Once again, we are presented with the same montage as before; running,
leaping onto the pole; arriving on the bottom in changed attire.

EXT- BACK OUTSIDE THE VATICAN

Jim Carrey arrives in his "Tony Clifton" getup from Man On The Moon, and starts singing a song.

9........INT. THE POPE CAVE

Candace is wrestling with some guy.

GOLDBERG
Candace, what's going on?

CANDACE
Mast... Murray, This man was trying to steal our plans for the operation!

GOLDBERG
The operation? Operation Goat-Snatch?

CANDACE
Yes, sir.

GOLDBERG
How much did he see?

CANDACE
Enough to know that the entire population of Polish goats will soon be ours!
We're not sure, but he may have already radioed his superiors. What should we
do with him? Execution by pudding?

GOLDBERG
PUDDING!? How do you execute someone by pudding?

CANDACE
We cover him with pudding, and throw him to a pack of bloodthirsty, ravenous,
killer...

GOLDBERG
Wolves?

CANDACE
Much worse... Bosnian children! They'll tear him apart in ten seconds flat!

GOLDBERG
It is tempting, Candace, but no. The law clearly states that punishment for
treason is permanent solitary confinement.

CANDACE
What law is that?

GOLDBERG
Mine! I'm the Pope, after all!

CANDACE
But where can we send him that will be permanently isolated?

GOLDBERG
To a place that is only spoken of in legends. A place no one has ever been.

CANDACE
You don't mean...?

GOLDBERG
Yes.... we'll deport him to IDAHO!

ASSISTANT 1
Excuse me sir, where's Idaho?

We cut to a German scientist with a white beard and a lab coat pointing to a map, specifically at Czechoslovakia.

10.......INT. EMPTY ROOM, WITH ONLY A MAP.

SCIENTIST (In heavy German accent)
Idaho is located approximately 75,000 miles east of the Black Sea.

A regular guy comes in, and says:

GUY
No, you idiot! That's not Idaho, Idaho is... uh... Idaho is.... Hey, WHERE IS IDAHO?

11.......INT. THE POPE CAVE

GOLDBERG
We'd better call my old college roommate.

He picks up a phone, and dials.

GOLDBERG
Let's see... 1-900-INTERN-LOVE!

As it rings, Candace says

Clinton's voice picks up the phone.

CLINTON
Well, hello, beautiful interns! You've reached the love machine himself, Bill
Clin-

GOLDBERG
Yeah, yeah, listen, shut up for a minute, Bill. It's the Pope... Yes, the P O P E... over by the
Vatican. Yeah, listen, can you tell me where exactly Idaho is located?

CLINTON
Idaho?

GOLDBERG
Yeah, you know... the state?

CLINTON
There's no Idaho! That's what we wanted you to think! HAHAHAHAHAHA.....

We keep hearing him laugh until Goldberg hangs up the phone.

GOLDBERG
Okay, so there's no Idaho...

CANDACE
Then what do we do with the prisoner?

GOLDBERG
Uh...

CANDACE pulls out a gun and shoots the prisoner in the head.

GOLDBERG
Yeah, that works.

ASSISTANT 2
Ah, sir, let us show you our troops being trained for Operation: Goat-Snatch.

He puts a video into a VCR below a nearby monitor. It's the Rocky Horror
Picture Show, in the reception hall, "Time Warp." On the video, we see all of
the partygoers dancing, singing, "Let's do the Time Warp again!"
(RHPS Infringement!)

ASSISTANT 2 looks at ASSISTANT 1.

ASSISTANT 2
Sorry, I must have taped over that. Here here's another tape.

He puts it in and we see an army being mobilized for battle. (Infringement on
whatever war movie we steal this from!)

GOLDBERG
Excellent! So, all goes according to plan?

ASSISTANT 1, 2, and CANDACE
Yes, sir!

GOLDBERG
The goats are as good as snatched! Ah, now to sit down with some of my favorite reading material.

He sits down and unfolds a newspaper. Written on the cover, it says:

HOLY CRAP!
by TeXXXe Mars

One of the headlines reads: IRS CREATES GIANT MUTANT OCTOPUS TO WIPE OUT CHRISTIANITY!

12..........INT- THE SAME BUILDING WHERE THE... ANTI-POPE.... GUYS..... MET BEFORE

LANCELOT
Here, sir, here is the Polish Ambassador.

CORLEONE
Ah, yes. Well, Ambassador Clichepolishname, we have a proposition for you. Now, as you know, Murray Goldberg has crowned himself Pope. Now, this disrupts the entire Italian way of life.

CLICHEPOLISHNAME (In heavy ebonics)
We don't care 'bout the 'talians! Boy, we be livin' in the Polish 'hood!

CORLEONE
We Italians and you Polish form a symbiont circle. You must understand that!

CLICHEPOLISHNAME (Abruptly switches from ebonic accent to Gungan accent)
Wesa no carrrrrrrrre! (Phantom Menace infringement!)

Lancelot and Corleone look at each other, when the door bursts open. A lower level agent rushes in and says,

AGENT 910 (The one after 909. Subtle Beatles infringement!)
Sir, agent 69 has vanished after his reconnaissance mission! We fear the worst!

CORLEONE
Goldberg strikes again! Quick, to the Mafia cave!

No one moves, they just stand around staring at each other.

LANCELOT
Uh, sir... there is no Mafia cave.

Poor Vito looks crushed!

CORLEONE
There's not? And my parents told me for all those years that if I was a good boy the Mob Fairy would bring me presents from the Mafia cave. Wait....

Corleone looks up with absolute sadness in his eyes.

CORLEONE (cont'd)
There's... there's no Mob Fairy either, is there?

Lancelot closes his eyes and shakes his head.

CORLEONE (whining)
What are we going to do without a Mafia cave?

Lancelot pulls a cardboard box from offscreen, just large enough to cover a human head.

LANCELOT
Here sir, here's a cardboard box. You could PRETEND it's a Mafia Cave...

He puts it over Corleone's head.

Corleone takes it off and slits his eyes at Lancelot

CORLEONE
Don't toy with me, woman!

Agent 910 looks at Lancelot in shock.

AGENT 910
WOMAN?

LANCELOT
Well, I was born a man... Hey wait, I'm still a man!

CORLEONE
Enough of this!

Corleone turns to Polish ambassador, who's been watching the transpired events with great amusement.

CORLEONE
Will you help us?

CLICHEPOLISHNAME (He's gone German!)
NEIN!

13........INT. THE POPE CAVE

CLOSE ON The Pope's face, with a large knife partially concealing it.

GOLDBERG
I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE!!!!!

We follow the knife as he quickly stabs it down..... and we see it cut into a roast pig. He picks up a huge chunk with his fork and rushes it towards his mouth. As he is about to get it in, we see Candace's hand stop it. They start struggling.

GOLDBERG
No! No! Mine! Mine!

He starts slapping at her hand, trying to stop her. (Empire Strikes Back infringement, made better by the fact that she's a robot, like R2.!)

She doesn't react (she's a robot, she feels no pain), but just pulls it away from him.

CANDACE
You don't want to do that, sir. It would be bad.

GOLDBERG
OK, I'm not clear on this whole "good"-"bad" thing. Define "bad".

CANDACE
Imagine every cell in your body exploding at the speed of light. (Ghostbusters infringement!)

GOLDBERG
Ok, so that would be "bad". Thanks.

CANDACE
No problem, sir.

He glances down toward the juicy meat... And lunges for it! Candace stops him and throws him into the camera. It is knocked over, and cuts to white fuzz. It cuts to a white screen, with muzak playing in the background, and the following message scrolling across the screen as an announcer recites it.

ANNOUNCER (and text):
Due to our low-budget broadcasting system, no entertainment will be aired on this station. Instead, we'll amuse you with this pointless advertisement twenty-four hours a day.

Cut to more fuzz... and then our little anti-pregnancy public service announcement parody....

14.........INT- We see a woman, obviously about thirty.

WOMAN
When I was seventeen, I was pretty, popular, and all the boys liked me... and I didn't tell them no. Now I have a baby... and I'm fifteen.

We then pan down into the crib she stands over... and we insert the Moron Movies Clip. (You know when people say goo goo, ga ga, and pinch your cheek? I HATE that.)

Cut to more fuzz...
And now to an infomercial....


15 .........INT- Women sitting around, a la Psychic hotline commercial... One man stands there... obviously interested in their product/service....

MAN
Wow, can my horoscope really change my life that much?

WOMAN
That's right, Mike! Whether you're looking for love, or just in the mood for a little fun, your horoscope can change your life!

She turns to the camera....

WOMAN
The horoscope can change your life too! Available for only four easy payments of 39.99...

A picture of a telescope with a picture of a woman's sillhouette painted on it appears... And it says "Whore-a-scope" In white text. Uh-oh, we weren't talking about "horoscopes" at all!

WOMAN'S VOICE
Feeling lonely? Feeling a little... anxious, if you know what I mean? (Beetlejuice infringement!) Well, with our patented whore-a-scope, you can scout all the ladies of the night without ever going past your rear window! From L.B. Jeffries. (Rear Window infringement!)

Lastly, we cut to a classroom, with a teacher pounding on a TV screen, as the program changes from our infomercial to different scenes of nonsense. Finally, she finds what she is looking for.

The screen shows the words "Evil through the Ages". Suddenly, an old-school vaudeville style stage comes up, along with Chaplin-style piano music, and a poorly drawn cartoon with my head superimposed on it comes out and begins dancing in different outfits, dressed up as, for example, Hitler, Stalin, bin Laden, Barney the dinosaur, etc. With each new outfit, the person's name is displayed on the bottom. We cut back to the kids' faces in horror, panning across the classroom. Suddenly, Nutty McNutternut pokes his head in through the classroom door.

NUTTY MCNUTTERNUT
Did somebody say nuts?

Again, he is ignored, and backs out of the doorway.

Then cut back again to the screen. The cartoon tap dances, charlestons, can cans, etc... the body limbs retract and extend in all directions, misproportioning him as he galavants around screen, just as in the Monty Python skit. As it ends, white calligraphic letters come up on screen, saying "Fin".

16........INT. THE VATICAN- THRONE ROOM We see the Pope sitting on a huge throne. Candace comes up to him.

CANDACE
There's a man here to see you, sir. He says it's urgent....

GOLDBERG
Admit him.

A salesman enters the room.

SALESMAN
Hello sir, I'm from the Syzlak brewing company. (Simpsons infringement!) I'm here to offer you a million dollars to change the Lord's prayer to "Give us this day our daily beer".

GOLDBERG
What?! How dare you ask that we change the Lord's prayer! Be gone with you!

SALESMAN
Ok, two million dollars!

GOLDBERG
You fool! To even suggest that we change the words of God... Guards, take him away!

As the salesman is being dragged out the door, he yells out:

SALESMAN
Three million, my final offer!

Goldberg turns to Candace.

GOLDBERG
When does our contract with the bakery run out?
(Infringement on whatever drunk guy made up that joke!)

CANDACE
I'm not quite sure, sir.

GOLDBERG
Ah, nevermind. We have work to do. Begin Operation Goat-Snatch!

17........EXT- DIFFERENT BARNS, ALL AROUND POLAND

Now, we hear "The Dance of the Sugarplum Fairies". And we see Jewish people sneaking around in the dark. They enter barns, and come out with goats on leashes. We then show the goats being led into a huge warehouse. Murray looks on from a balcony.


18.......INT- INSIDE THE WAREHOUSE

GOLDBERG
Perfect. The operation is a success. Now we have all of the goats of Poland! Let's go to the Peking Moon to celebrate!

19.......INT- THE ANTI-POPE HQ.

CORLEONE
Well, I have bad news. Clichepolishname did not heed our advice. That monster Goldberg stole all of their goats! (pauses, abrubtly shifts his tone) Oh well. Let's go to the Peking Moon to cheer us up.

20.........THE PEKING MOON

We see the Jews at a table, with Goldberg wearing the... uh... pope hat. We then see the Italian resistance, on the other side of a divider, making lots of commotion. Goldberg's hat is clearly visible from their side.

ITALIANS
Sixteen bullets in a dead Pope's chest, Yo ho ho and a bottle of All Sport!

The other side doesn't even hear, they're too busy ordering.

GOLDBERG
Ok, we'll all have Pork Lo Mein. And make it Kosher!

WAITRESS
Um... sir... pork can't be-

GOLDBERG
Do as I say! I am your Pope, do you understand?!

WAITRESS
Um... yes, sir.

Goldberg stands up.

GOLDBERG
I have to use the little Pope's room. I'll be back soon.

He walks toward the back of the building. He passes a door, the entrance to the
kitchen. He opens it, and hears pained meows. Suddenly, an elderly Chinese
woman with a banjo closes the door.

GOLDBERG
Are you cooking... CATS in there??

CHINESE WOMAN (to "Jefferson's" theme)
Cat don't fry in the kitchen,
Kitten don't burn on the grill...

Suddenly, Nutty McNutternut pokes his overgrown, nutty head in.

NUTTY MCNUTTERNUT
Did somebody say nu-?

He is suddenly hit upside the head with a banjo. The elderly Chinese
woman is screaming and clubbing him.

CHINESE WOMAN
Aieeeee! No nuts!!!!

Cut to a courtroom.

21.......COURT ROOM

Superimposed on bottom of screen:
"72 hours later"

ATTORNEY
Ladies and Gentlemen-

Nutty raps his cane on the floor. He has a bandage covering half of his face, including the eye without the monocle.

ATTORNEY (cont'd)
...and nuts... I would like to call my next witness... William J. "Bubba" Clinton!

A murmur comes from the audience.

Clinton walks in to disco lights and the instrumental segments of "Mr. Jinx" by Quarashi, like a pro wrestler, and sits at the stand.

CLINTON (to female judge- preferably Judge Judy)
Well, hey there, beautiful...

JUDGE (in gruff, deep voice)
Shut up, hick, I was born a man.

ATTORNEY
Now Mr. Clinton-

CLINTON
I just want to make one thing clear- I did not have sexual relations with that nut, Mr. Nutty Mcnutternut.

ATTORNEY
But what about you saying you liked to butter up his nuts and lick it off?

CLINTON
Well that depends on what your definition of "it" is...

ATTORNEY
What the hell are you talking about? You're making no sense... you're the president of the United States!

CLINTON
No, my term finished in 1999! Why don't you people leave me alone?

ATTORNEY
Because you refused to move out of the Oval Office!

CLINTON
Wait a minute, isn't this supposed to be about Mr. McNutternut's injuries?

All look at Nutty. He opens his mouth to speak.

ATTORNEY
Oh, I'm sorry... does the big squishy nut have something to say? Well, we don't care about the savage beating, we only want to hear about your sex life with Bubba here!

Nutty McNutternut pulls off the top half of his costume, revealing himself as a 55-year-old unkempt midget smoking a cigar.

MIDGET
Dat's it, I'm outta here....

The Midget storms out of the court room.

We cut back to the Chinese restaurant.

22....... THE PEKING MOON

Superimposed at the bottom: "72 hours and 5 minutes earlier"

At this point, Goldberg is walking away, toward the bathroom. Suddenly, he is spotted by one of the Italians.

ITALIAN AGENT
B-b-b-... P-p-p-p....

LANCELOT
Boss, I think Stuttering Stanley (Sixth Sense infringement!) is trying to tell us... that the Pope is right over there!

CORLEONE
Get him!

23.........EXT- Outside the Peking Moon

The Benny Hill theme music starts up, backwards and at high speed, and everyone gets into their cars outside of the restaurant. (Why they don't just duke it out IN the restaurant remains a mystery.) We now put in dozens of clips of car wrecks. Suddenly, in the middle of it all, the screen freezes, and we make it look like the film is burning, melting. A voice comes out of nowhere.

VOICE
Ladies and Gentlemen, we are experiencing technical difficulties. Will everyone please exit the theater in a calm and orderly manner. We will be refunding your money at the main counter.

This is great! So, everyone gets up out of their chairs, angry because the film got cut off and they're going to have to see the end some other time... And then, 8 seconds later, the voice returns.

VOICE
Just kidding!

And suddenly, the cars are crashing up on the screen again. So now, everyone's scrambling to get back to their seats, but they're not looking where they're going, so they're tripping and falling all over each other, as they miss the movie. It's going to be the greatest practical joke ever! (Thanks Andy, I owe you one!)

We've now resumed the car chase scene. We put in all sorts of nonsensical scenes of the characters driving various forms of transportation through all sorts of easily recognizable places. (i.e. camels past the eiffel tower, rowboats past the great pyramid, jetpacks past the white house, and bicycles past saturn. This is, of course, all in fast-motion.) In the last one, we precede it with footage of Corleone's horrified face, then suddenly we cut to a white screen with the word "Intermission" on it, with vaudeville organ music in the background. Five seconds later, we cut back to see Corleone's car going over a cliff. We then see Goldberg drive home victorious.

24......INT- THE POPE CAVE

GOLDBERG
Well, we've defeated our enemies.

CANDACE
Not quite, sir...

GOLDBERG
What do you mean?

CANDACE
Well... the Polish would never have figured out who stole their goats... but apparently Corleone told them... and they have the Russians, the Americans, the Germans, the Japanese, and Superman on their side!

GOLDBERG
And... who do we have on our side?

CANDACE
Um... the Jewish sect of Neo-Nazi Communists working within the KGB, the American Hindu Fascists, a radical sect of anarchist martians, the Israeli Republicans, and Clark Kent.

GOLDBERG
So... you're telling me we're screwed?

CANDACE
Basically, sir. And it gets worse...

GOLDBERG
Worse? How could it get any worse?

CANDACE
Well, sir, our intelligence reports indicated some time ago that that the Italians have been using a moose hunter named Jango Fett to create a clone army...

GOLDBERG
A clone army? Why wasn't I informed?

CANDACE
Well, sir, we've been creating a clone machine of our own in order to counter their army. It was supposed to be your Christmas present...

GOLDBERG
So... what you're telling me is that you kept important military intelligence from your leader in order to give a cloning machine to a Jew for Christmas?

CANDACE
Yes, sir.

A pause.

GOLDBERG (a bit agitated)
May I see it?

CANDACE
Right this way, sir.

She leads him to a door along the back wall which opens to a room with a bunch of computers and a single machine which looks similar to the teleporting machine from The Fly.

GOLDBERG
Is this machine functional?

ATTENDANT
Absolutely, sir. We're about to give it the first run...

GOLDBERG
Excellent. Proceed.

The attendant presses a button marked "Go". A bunch of lights and beeps go off, as the camer zooms closer to the machine. Smoke begins rising heavily from it. The beeping stops, and the door opens. The smoke is too thick to see anything but a vague form. Suddenly, it steps forward... and it's a clown. The room stares for a moment. Circus music starts up, and suddenly, dozens of clowns start pouring from the machine, which clearly could not contain them all... as in a circus clown car. They create chaos as they flow forth.

GOLDBERG (suppressing rage)
Let me see the plans for this machine.

ATTENDANT
Um... right away, sir...

He rummages, eventually finding the plans for the machine. He hands the plans to Goldberg. Goldberg looks at the plans, and we can see that it says clearly at the top, "Clown Machine."

GOLDBERG
Why me...?

Suddenly, footsteps are heard... marching.... they cock their heads, listening to the sound... Murray turns and opens up what appears to be blinds covering a window. Underneath, we see a small army marching toward him!

GOLDBERG
Oh my god... We're under attack!

Candace walks over and pushes a button. The army disappears, the window goes black.

CANDACE
That's the TV. This is the window.

She pulls open another set of blinds, incredibly quickly.

Immediately, the screen goes black and the image appears again:

While this image is up, the Cantina segment of Mr. Bungle's Star Wars cover plays.

We cut back to the window, and we see the Polish army, being led by Boba Fett.

GOLDBERG
AHHH! My beautiful popehood!

CANDACE
Don't worry sir, we'll fight to the death.

25......EXT. THE FRONT OF THE VATICAN

We see the army marching toward the Vatican. Then, the camera focuses squarely on the Vatican doors. Suddenly, the Vatican doors begin to bulge... they burst open, and hundreds of clowns pour forth towards the camera, wielding balloon shapes made to look like light sabers. The camera pans around to its left; once it gets to a full side view of the clown army, it moves up as it rotates, until it's fully behind and slightly above the clown army, just enough to get a good, wide view of the battle from the clowns' POV.

All of a sudden, there are hundreds of pies being thrown from the Polish army at the clowns. The clowns continue fighting valiantly. One of them breaks through to the center of the opposing army's forces. He is knocked to the ground, and suddenly finds himself engulfed by a giant round shadow. He turns to look behind him, and the camera turns with him. We see a giant walking pie, about fifty feet in diameter, a clown's biggest fear. The grounded clown scrambles away. The clowns all have fear in their eyes... We see a clown general in camouflage with an army helmet yelling through the din into a wrist communicator. Then, from the Vatican doors, they wheel out a ten foot tall clown statue which has engraved on its base "Clownicus the Great." We move close on the giant pie, and suddenly we see the statue get hurled through the air, smashing into the pie, the imprint of the clown's stone face appearing in the back of the pie tin. The giant pie falls over, never to walk again. (Author's Note: You can't tell me the irony of throwing clowns at pies is not amusing!).

CLOWN GENERAL
I think we've won this round.

26..... EXT- THE FRONT OF THE VATICAN, WITH "TEN MINUTES LATER" SUPERIMPOSED AT THE BOTTOM THE SCREEN.

Jewish people and clowns lie dead all around. Goldberg stands in front of the door, looking around at the violent war going on all around him. He weeps. (All hell breaks loose from here, as we look at scenes of rampant, unchecked, bloody carnage, we frequently put in all sorts of nonsense, i.e. a houses collapsing, then coming back up, the Hawaiian woman's hand squishing the meatloaf from Wacky Delly.... Some scenes lifted from the torture sequences of A Clockwork Orange, and the boat ride in Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory.... etc.)

GOLDBERG
My beautiful, beautiful people. Well, it's not so much the people as the beautiful, beautiful money and power... and my beautiful Vatican...

We then cut to a clip of a bomber airplane flying, and dropping a bomb. Then, we cut to a clip of a hand lighting a match and dropping it on a paper model of the building. It bursts into flames. Murray turns around and sees his building burn, the flames lighting up his face.

GOLDBERG
Nooooooooo!

We then cut to a clip of a tank firing, and then a clip of a G.I. Joe, dressed as Goldberg, being knocked over by a rock thrown from offscreen. We then see the top of a tank open, and two people poke their heads out. If we can, we get Vincent D' Onofrio and R. Lee Ermey, reprising their Full Metal Jacket roles... Ooh, They can still be hideously wounded!

DRILL SERGEANT
Pyle, you idiot! You weren't supposed to kill him, we were supposed to take him prisoner! I'm gonna tear you up like a Kleenex at a snot party! (Oh, extra Simpsons infringement!)

PYLE
Sir, sorry sir!

We pretend to be dramatic now... we move across the deceased corpses, until we find Goldberg. We slowly zoom in on his still-open but dead eyes. "THE END" superimposed in white, calligraphic letters.

Goldberg now walks onscreen from the right. It appears as if he were walking on the bottom of the physical screen at the theater. He looks with disdain at the image, shakes his head...

GOLDBERG
Oy Vey, What a rotten ending!

We then cut to a room in a department store, with a sign behind the desk that reads “End Of Movie Dept.”(Ministry Of Silly Walks Infringement!)

INT: END OF MOVIE DEPARTMENT
SALESMAN
Well it is one of our cheaper, sir.

GOLDBERG
What else have you got?

SALESMAN
Well, there's that long, slow, pullout, sir…

Cut to outside the store in a big city, first with a helicopter shot of the building, then fading to the town, then to the states, and the globe, even the universe... as ludicrously far as we can go.

SALESMAN (voiceover)
You know, the camera tracks back and we fade from diff…

Cut back to dept. store with Goldberg and salesman.

GOLDBERG
No, no no, no, no. Have you got anything more …exciting?

SALESMAN
Well how about a chase?

A gang of Italians appears in the doorway, shouting, “There he is!” and “Get him!”, etc…

Cut to Goldberg being chased through the department store, down sets of stairs, etc. with cliché chase music, all in fast-motion.

Cut back to the store…

GOLDBERG
Oh, no, no, no…

SALESMAN
Walking into the sunset…?

GOLDBERG
What's that one??

Cut to sunset at a beautiful lake, we watch as Goldberg and the salesman walk together away from the camera, talking.

SALESMAN (voiceover)
You know, two lone figures, silhouetted against the dying rays of the setting sun, the music swells, the…

Cut back to the store.

GOLDBERG
Oh, no, no.

SALESMAN
Oh, what a pity! I rather liked that one…

GOLDBERG
Well, they're all a bit off the point, you see?

SALESMAN
Well, there is one that ties up the whole *Pope's demise* thing, but, umm...

GOLDBERG
But...what???

SALESMAN (twiddles his finger sand looks elsewhere...)
Oh, no, nothing, nothing at all…

GOLDBERG
Look, who's scripted this ending????

SALESMAN
Uh… how about a happy ending???

Cut to a very attractive girl running from offscreen and embracing Goldberg, saying "Thank God you're safe!!!"

SALESMAN (cont'd)
But you wouldn't want that, would you now...?

GOLDBERG (indignantly)
Why wouldn't I want that?!?!?!?!?!?!?

SALESMAN
Uhh… well, what about summing up from the panel? That's cheap!

GOLDBERG
WHAT????

SALESMAN
You know, the big game experts...

Cut to interior of a sports broadcasting room, with two well known announcers sitting on chairs.
INT: BROADCASTING ROOM

ANNOUNCER 1
Yes, uh, it was quite a good film... well, I feel that the “Murray Goldberg” character was a bit overdone…

ANNOUNCER 2 (sneers)
Well, I don't agree with that at all... uhh... quite frankly, the only bit I liked was this bit with me in it now!

INT: END OF MOVIE DEPARTMENT

SALESMAN
No? Slow fade?

As GOLDBERG decides, slowly fade to black.
GOLDBERG
Mmmmmmmmm…….no.

As soon as GOLDBERG says “no”, snap back to previous focus and light.

SALESMAN
Well, how about a sudden ending?

Before anyone can react, the screen goes black and silent again. As the credits now roll, we show black and white pictures of the scene of destruction at the Vatican, a la Night of the Living Dead.

Don't forget- We end with our official seal: