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This page last updated on September 23, 1999
Laughter Is The Best Medicine!
YOU MIGHT BE AN ENGINEER IF ...
- Submitted by Uri Dub
_________________________________
... choosing to buy flowers for your girlfriend or upgrading
your RAM is a moral dilemma.
... you take a cruise so you can go on a personal tour of the
engine room.
... the sales people at the local computer store can't answer
any of your questions.
... you bought your wife a new CD-ROM drive for her birthday.
... you can quote scenes from any Monty Python movie.
... you can type 70 words per minute but can't read your own
handwriting.
... you comment to your wife that her straight hair is nice
and parallel.
... you have saved every power cord from all your broken
appliances.
... you have more friends on the Internet than in real life.
... you know what http:// stands for.
... you look forward to Christmas so you can put the kids'
toys together.
... you see a good design and still have to change it.
... you window shop at Radio Shack.
... your laptop computer costs more than your car.
... your wife hasn't the foggiest idea of what you do at work.
... you've already calculated how much you make per second.
... you've tried to repair a $5 radio.
*** http://www.Joke-Of-The-Day.com ***
THE STROKE OF TWELVE
- Submitted by Bradley Colby
______________________________
Just after this guy gets married, he was invited out for a
night with "the boys." He accepts and then tells his new
bride not to worry, because he'd "be home by midnight...promise!"
Well, the darts were landing just right and the grog was going
down easy, and at around 3 a.m. drunk as can be the guy finally
stumbles home. Just as he gets in the door, the cuckoo clock
started, and cuckooed three times. Quickly he realized she'd
probably been woken up by the clock, so he cuckooed another nine
times to make her think it was midnight. He was really proud of
himself, having the quick wits, even when smashed, to escape a
possible conflict.
Next morning the missus asked him what time he got in and he
tells her, "12 o'clock, dear!" Whew! Got away with that one!
"Hmmm, I think we need a new cuckoo clock," she says over her
morning coffee.
"Why is that?" the husband asks.
"Well, it cuckooed three times, said 'shoot,' cuckooed another
four times, farted, cuckooed another three times, cleared its
throat; cuckooed two more times, and then giggled."
*** http://www.Joke-Of-The-Day.com ***
Are computers male or female?
THINGS TO DO IN AN ELEVATOR:
elevator, tap them on the shoulder and
then pretend it wasn't you.
you a shock. Smile, and go back for more.
people, but push the wrong ones.
phone and ask if they know what floor
you're on.
for your friend. After a while, let the doors
close and say, "Hi Greg. How's your day
been?"
help pick it up, then scream, "That's mine!"
in the elevator.
whenever someone gets on, ask if they have
an appointment.
they'd like to play.
gets on ask them if they hear something
ticking.
emergency procedures and exits with the
passengers.
occasionally.
"It's okay. Don't panic, they open up again."
forehead and muttering, "Shut up, all
of you, just shut up!"
while peering inside, ask, Got enough air
in there?"
corner, facing the wall, without getting
off.
then announce in horror, "You're one of
THEM!" and back away slowly.
talk to the other passengers.
stethoscope.
a button.
while, and then announce, "I have new socks
on."
and announce to the other passengers, "This is
my personal space!"
The Magic Mirror
--------------------------------------------------------------------
A brunette, redhead and blonde went to a fitness spa for some fun and
relaxation. After a stimulating healthy lunch, all three decided to
visit the ladies room and found a strange-looking woman sitting at the
entrance who said, "Welcome to the ladies room. Be sure to check
out our newest feature: a mirror which, if you look into it and say
something truthful, you will be awarded with a wish. But, be warned,
for if you say something false, you will be sucked into the mirror to
live in a void of nothingness for all eternity!"
brunette said, "I think I'm the most beautiful of us three" and in an
instant she was surrounded by a pile of money.
three" and she suddenly found the keys to a brand new Lexis in her
hands.
looked into the mirror and said, "I think..." and was promptly
sucked into the mirror.
TOP TEN HILLIARY CLINTON CAMPAIGN SLOGANS
Mary Poppins
Mary Poppins was traveling home, but due to worsening weather,
she decided to stop at a hotel for the night. She approached the
receptionist and asked for a room for the night.
"Certainly madam," he replied courteously.
"Is the restaurant open still?" inquired Mary.
"Sorry, no," came the reply, "but room service is available all
night. Would you care to select something from this menu?"
Mary smiled and took the menu and perused it. "Hmm, I would like
cauliflower cheese please," said Mary.
"Certainly, madam," he replied.
"And can I have breakfast in bed?" asked Mary politely.
The receptionist nodded and smiled.
"In that case, I would love a couple of poached eggs, please,"
Mary mused.
After confirming the order, Mary signed in and went up to her room
for the night.
The night passed uneventfully and the next morning Mary came down
early to check out. The same guy was still on the desk.
"Morning madam...sleep well?"
"Yes, thank you," Mary replied.
"Food to your liking?"
"Well, I have to say the cauliflower cheese was exceptional, I don't
think I have had better. Shame about the eggs, though....they really
weren't that nice at all," replied Mary truthfully.
"Oh...well, perhaps you could contribute these thoughts to our Guest
Comments Book. We are always looking to improve our service and
would value your opinion," said the receptionist.
"OK, I will...thanks!" replied Mary....who checked out, then scribbled
a comment into the book. Waving, she left to continue her journey.
Curious, the receptionist picked up the book to see the comment Mary
had written. "Supercauliflowercheesebuteggswerequiteatrocious!"
According to women, computers are male:
1. They have a lot of data but are still clueless.
2. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half of the time they are the problem.
3. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that, if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.
4. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
5. Big power surges knock them out for the rest of the night.
According to men, computers are female:
1. No one but the creator understands their internal logic.
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
3. The message "bad command or file name" is about as informative as, "If you don't know why I'm mad at you, then I'm certainly not going to tell you."
4. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for later retrieval.
5. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.
1) When there's only one other person in the
2) Push the buttons and pretend they give
3) Ask if you can push the button for other
4) Call the Psychic Hotline from your cell
5) Hold the doors open and say you're waiting
6) Drop a pen and wait until someone reaches to
7) Bring a camera and take pictures of everyone
8) Move your desk in to the elevator and
9) Lay down a Twister mat and ask people if
10) Leave a box in the corner, and when someone
11) Pretend you are a flight attendant and review
12) Ask, "Did you feel that?"
13) Stand really close to someone, sniffing them
14) When the doors close, announce to the others,
15) Swat at flies that don't exist.
16) Tell people that you can see their aura.
17) Call out, "group hug!", then enforce it.
18) Grimace painfully while smacking your
19) Crack open your briefcase or purse, and
20) Stand silently and motionless in the
21) Stare at another passenger for a while,
22) Wear a puppet on your hand and use it to
23) Listen to the elevator walls with your
24) Make explosion noises when anyone presses
25) Stare, grinning at another passenger for a
26) Draw a little square on the floor with chalk
The three women quickly entered and upon finding the mirror, the
The redhead stepped up and said "I think I'm the most talented of us
Excited over the possibility of having a wish come true, the blonde
- Submitted by Bruce Coons
_________________________________________
10. "Read My Lips - No New Interns"
9. "Reward Me For Putting Up With Bill's Crap For So Long"
8. "Isn't It Time You Were Disappointed By A Different
Clinton?"
7. "Ask Not What Your Country Can Do For You, Ask How You
Can Illegally Contribute To My Campaign"
6. "Vote For Me Or My Husband Will Nail Your Wife"
5. "You Give Me A Vote, I'll Get Vernon Jordan To Give
You A Job"
4. "Still Not Indicted As Of 1999!"
3. "From Perjury To Albany"
2. "Building A Bridge To The 21st Century, And Pushing My
Husband Over It"
And the NUMBER ONE Hilliary Clinton Campaign Slogan ...
1. "Oh Lord, Please Don't Make Me Go Back To Arkansas"
*** http://www.Joke-Of-The-Day.com ***
FUTURE FALWELL TARGETS
- Submitted by Richard Varder
____________________________________
The Rev. Jerry Falwell recently outed Tinky Winky, from the
television show, "Teletubbies", because, Falwell pronounced,
"The character is clearly a fount of gayness. He is purple,
the gay color, he has an antenna shaped like a triangle, the
gay symbol, and he carries a purse, something all gay people
do." But Falwell's work is far from over. Following are
some other targets he is preparing to go after...
Fred Flintstone
Evidence: His nickname on the Bedrock bowling team;
"Twinkle-Toes Flintstone." The show's theme song ends
"...we'll have a gay old time!" He wears an orange vest
with little triangles on it. Hangs out with Barney far
more than Wilma.
Bugs Bunny
Evidence: Often stands with hand on hip. Plays a hairdresser
in one episode. Frequently dresses in drag. Loves to throw on
a top hat and tails and belts out Broadway show-tunes with his
buddy Daffy, who, it is worth noting, has a lisp.
Velma (of Scooby Doo)
Evidence: Always tries to sit next to Daphne in the Mystery
Machine. Sports that butch haircut. Has broad shoulders and
wears thick turtleneck sweaters and knee socks. Never once
shagged Shaggy.
Popeye
Evidence: Eats lots of salad. Wears a sailor suit, even though
he hasn't been on a ship in years. Does little sailor dances.
Dates a flat-chested transvestite named Olive Oyl. Best friend
named Wimpy.
Batman and Robin
Evidence: Robin's nickname - Boy Wonder. Batman's real name
is Bruce. Both wear tights. They're in great shape. They
like to show each other their "grappling hooks."
Peppermint Patty
Evidence: Has a deep, gravelly voice. Wears pants, not dresses
like the other Peanuts gals. Plays a mean game of football.
Likes to taunt Charlie Brown. Always hanging out with that
androgynous Marcie. Wears comfortable shoes. Nickname; Sir.
The Pink Panther
Enough said.
***
http://www.Joke-Of-The-Day.com ***
Drinking Buddies
ought to do this more often."
If AOL was a city...
*You'd live in a place where no two people had the same name.
*You'd only pay $21.95 a month to live there, but half the time you tried to leave your house, the door would be stuck!
*Once you got outside, even if you were in a hurry, you'd be assaulted by slimy little door-to-door sales creeps offering you great AOL 14.4 modems for only $399.99!
*The commute to work is just a double-click away, but every time you try to leave your driveway, the flow of traffic knocks you back into your yard!
*The local Post Office would tell your mother you are not a known resident!
*The local Post Office won't forward your mail to you when you move!
*If you saw a crime and called 911, they'd reply a week later with a form letter saying how you "really are important to us."
*Every time you went shopping, you'd be kicked out of the store by a bouncer screaming, "WE'RE SORRY, THIS STORE IS TEMPORARILY UNAVAILABLE."
*Whenever you traveled to other cities, people would see your license tag and laugh at you, behind your back.
*You'd occasionally be sent home during your day by another bouncer telling you that the city has performed an illegal operation!
*You'd not have any idea who your neighbors are, and most new arrivals would move in at night, stuff everyone's mailbox with garbage, and vacate before sun-up!
*The administration would build a huge, state of the art park, and allow the kids to play there free, then suddenly start demanding money!
Bud and Jim were a couple of drinking buddies who worked as airplane mechanics in Atlanta. One day the airport was fogged in and they were stuck in the hangar with nothing to do. Bud said, "Man, I wish we had something to drink!" Jim says, "Me too. Y'know, I've heard you can drink jet fuel and get a buzz. You wanna try it?" So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of high octane hooch and get completely smashed.
The next morning Bud wakes up and is surprised at how good he feels. In fact he feels GREAT! NO hangover! NO bad side effects. Nothing!
Then the phone rings...Its Jim.
Jim: "Hey, how do you feel this morning?"
Bud: "I feel great. How about you?"
Jim: "I feel great, too. You don't have a hangover?"
Bud: "No, that jet fuel is great stuff - no hangover, nothing. We
Jim: "Yeah, well there's just one thing..."
Bud: "What's that?"
Jim: "Have you farted yet?"
Bud: "No."
Jim: "Well, DON'T, 'cause I'm in PHOENIX!!!
-Submitted by M. G
________________________________
DIARY OF A SUCCESSFUL NEW BRIDE/COOK
Submitted by: NoMedusa
Dear Diary,
Monday:
Now home from honeymoon and settled in our new home, it's fun to cook for Bill. Today I made an angel food cake and the recipe said, "beat 12 eggs separately." Well, I didn't have enough bowls to do that, so I had to borrow enough bowls to beat the eggs in. The cake turned out fine.
Tuesday:
We wanted a fruit salad for supper. The recipe said, "serve without dressing". So I didn't dress. But, Bill happened to bring a
friend home for supper that night. Did they ever look startled when I served the salad.
Wednesday:
I decided to serve rice and found a recipe which said, "wash thoroughly before steaming the rice". So I heated some water and took a bath before steaming the rice. Sounded kinda silly in the middle of the week. I can't say it improved the rice any.
Thursday:
Today Bill asked for salad again. I tried a new recipe. It said, "prepare ingredients, then toss on a bed of lettuce one hour before serving." I hunted all over the garden by my moms. So I tossed my salad into the bed of lettuce and stood over there one hour so the dog would not take it. Bill came over and asked if I felt all right. I wonder why?
Friday:
Today I found an easy recipe for cookies. It said, "put all ingredients in a bowl and beat it." Beat it I did, right over to my mom's house. There must have been something wrong with the recipe, because when I came back home again it looked the same as when I left it.
Saturday:
Bill went shopping today and brought home a chicken. He asked me to dress it for Sunday. I'm sure I don't know how hens dress for Sunday. I never noticed back on the farm, but I found a doll dress and some little shoes. I thought the hen looked real cute. When Bill saw it, I wondered why he counted to 10.
Sunday:
Today Bill's folks came to dinner. I wanted to serve roast, but all we had in the icebox, was hamburger. So I put it in the oven and set the controls for roast. Must be the oven, because it still came out hamburger.
Monday:
I was going to bake bread today. The recipe said, "mix well and knead well. Then stand in a warm place until double in bulk." I just won't bake bread if I have to double in bulk.
Goodnight Dear Diary. This has been an exciting week. I am eager for tomorrow to come, so I can try a new recipe on Bill.
Love, PAM
BACKSEAT DRIVER
- Submitted by John Richards
_____________________________
A man who is driving a car is stopped by a police officer.
The following exchange takes place.... The man says, "What's
the problem officer?"
Officer: "You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone."
Man: "No sir, I was going 65."
Wife: "Oh, Harry. You were going 80." (The man gives his wife
a dirty look.)
Officer: "I'm also going to give you a ticket for your broken
tail light."
Man: "Broken tail light? I didn't know about a broken tail
light!"
Wife: "Oh Harry, you've known about that tail light for weeks."
(The man gives his wife another dirty look.)
Officer: "I'm also going to give you a citation for not
wearing your seatbelt."
Man: "Oh I just took it off when you were walking up to
the car."
Wife: "Oh Harry, you never wear your seatbelt."
The man turns to his wife and yells, "SHUT YOUR MOUTH!"
The Officer turns to the woman and asks, "Ma'am, does your
husband talk to you this way all the time?"
The wife says, "No, only when he's drunk."
*** http://www.Joke-Of-The-Day.com ***
If you have any jokes or humorous stories that you would like to share and see posted, please email them to me!