The Very Secret Diary of Eirtae

Spoke to Rabé about borrowing some dark hair dye from her stash in the basement. Not sure if she caught on to why I was asking, though.

Am tired of separating Saché and Yané. Trust Yané to have a snappy comeback. Should be an age limit for handmaidens.

Had blonde moment and accidentally told the Queen to try speaking to the Gungans in their own language. Will take me forever to live down the outrageous laughter from Sabé and Rabé. Beginning to wonder if those two are twins separated at birth. Used to wonder the same thing about Sabé and Padmé, come to think of it. Triplets? Naaah.

Memory lapses evil - forgot what "yuppie" means in ancient Nubian. Yané suggested that I change my name to "Blondé." Am so SICK of her attitude. Even sicker of being blonde!

Lt. Prenmié asked me out to dinner after conference. Was "disinclined to acquiesce to his request" (at least that's what Sabé told me to say). Of course he didn't know what that meant. Doesn't deserve my conversation if he doesn't understand "no."

About two dozen Trade Federation ships in orbit. Suspect Nute Gunray is still sore at Daddy for foiling his pathetic shot at embezzlement. Come to think of it, Daddy more in the chips than usual lately. What does he know that I don't?

Saché and Yané downright intolerable. Would stick them washing dishes for the rest of their lives if I was Queen.

Queen giving Gunray attitude; subsequently told Olié to fire up the ship. Cute. Olié sure didn't waste any time. "Uhhh, sure, Your Highness! Just gotta oil up the steering wheel, Your Highness! Let me fluff up your seat, Your Highness! Want to fly the ship out of the hangar, Your Highness?" Had to get dragged out by Panaka and Rabé. Bleck.

Rather interesting how Olié's brain tends to disconnect whenever he's around the Queen. Bozo must be some kind of a pervy queen-fancier or something. Sabé will kill him if he tries anything.

Went to get Saché from wine cellar. Absolutely ridiculous number of battle droids headed this way. Am hoping she and Yané can distract them with outrageous volumes of bickering so the rest of us can take 'em out.

Oh, sure, Gov, let the Jedi spoil all our fun. Grumpy old Jedi must have used mind trick on him so he and Panaka would let us go to Coruscant. Yeah, big shock there. Bet I was the only one who noticed hot young Padawan nodding vigourously at Sabé so she would be inclined to acquiesce to his request. She is so into him. Ain't foolin' nobody.

Speaking of fooling nobody, why is everyone except Yané staring at the Queen when Sabé requests feedback? Talk about your dead giveaways. Can hear Yané now. "Yeah, we are brave, Your Highness, except when there's a spider crawling up your dress."

Sabé enjoys bossing Queen around a bit too much, methinks. Am v. glad she didn't tell me to clean up R2-D2. Am paranoid about activating oil-slick nozzle and ruining skin. On other hand, maybe dippy Gungan would slip on it and break his neck.

V. cool to watch Panaka deferring to Jedi. Didn't know anybody could be grumpier than him. Maybe they have their uses after all. But why are we going to a planet that sounds like it's inhabited by body artists?

V. hot on Tatooine. Quite the dustball here. Yeah, Panaka, that's bright, let the Queen go running out with grumpy old Jedi and keep Sabé here to drool over hot young Padawan. Well, maybe they'll lose Jar Jar in the spaceport. Speaking of hot, they could have picked a better planet. All this sweat bad for that face paint I borrowed from Sabé's vanity.

Booooooooooooored. Wonder if Saché and Yané are out of arguments and as bored as I am. Rabé looking morose, but Sabé seems to be v. chipper, though. Will never be Queen if we don't get out of here soon.

Slept right through yesterday. Grumpy old Jedi came back with suntanned rugrat and black-robed devil on his tail. Rugrat's name sounds oddly like "mannequin." I'm going back to sleep.

Waited for opportune moment before smacking Sabé upside the head. Obi-Wan is so onto us. Knew I should have followed her when she sneaked out of the ship the other night.

V. noisy on Coruscant. Mannequin dropped by looking for Padmé. Was holding breath for a while there, but was relieved to see that they don't teach math on Tatooine. Almost makes me wish I was raised there.

Queen quite vehement at Senate session. Gave me goosebumps cutting ol' Chancellor Invalid off at the knees. Will have to remember this tack for when I'm Queen.

En route back to Naboo. Didn't lose Jar Jar after all, dammit. Not looking forward to fighting alongside Gungan Grand Army if they're all like him. Tried to dissuade Her Highness, but Panaka was like, "Who died and left you Queen?"

Panaka so defeatist, want to slap him upside the head. Nonetheless must admit he has a point as I am still not Queen.

All this damp swamp air v. bad for complexion. Cannot cope. Am now determined to retake Theed and find some Neutrogena.

Cannot see how Sabé can wear her hair like that in the middle of a firefight. Freed Saché and Yané - they are surprisingly free of injuries, although pretty sure Saché has killer migraine from Yané's silliness.

Retook palace at cost of hair clasp and two fingernails. *sob* Am suing Trade Federation for bodily harm, mental anguish, and trying to keep me from becoming Queen.

Well, Saché certainly got friendly with Lt. Andlaé while we were gone. Wish Andlaé would have gotten friendly with me. Then again, it would never work if I were Queen.

Found Sabé and Saché playing soccer with the Peace Ball. Told Sabé, just because you were a huge girly soccer star in your other life doesn't protect you from ghostly pirates who want that ball. Must admit, though, was v. amused by the look on her mouth when she makes a goal.

Everybody out howling with Saché on U-Theed campus. Meanwhile, we have GOT to get this palace fumigated. Or at least get Olié to change his undershirt once a week so it won't attract any more blowflies.