The Very Secret Diary of Rabe

Kicked self today. Queen's tresses started falling apart during her second meeting of the day. Must stop thinking about Lieutenant Klarié while on hair duty.

Eirtaé doesn't seem to like the way I pronounce her name. Keeps complaining that it sounds too much like "airtight." Will not tell her she has a point, considering that she's blonde and all.

Hairstyles tried: six. Settled on none-too-subtle contraptions that won't let the Queen pass through a doorway without turning her head.

V. bored. Wish something would happen besides Saché and Yané's incessant practical-joke war. Whole palace is a mess and Queen is tearing her hair out. Will try and find a follacle strengthener in my arsenal tomorrow morning.

Trade Federation crashed Saché's Friday-night bacchanalia at U-Theed. And Eirtaé thought my accent was irritating. As if! Trying not to hit back by telling her how pasty she is. On minus side, Nute Gunray threatening to cut off Queen's lifetime supply of hair gel. Oh, the horror!

Queen declined the pigtail look - didn't want to look silly while giving Gunray an attitude. After all, that's Yané's job. Gunray gets attitude and I get shivers. Whoo…

Had to drag Olié out of throne room after Queen told him to fire up the ship. As added insult to injury, had to get Panaka to help. Bleah! Olié such a pervy queen-fancier. Have no idea why Queen even keeps him around. Maybe it's because she knows that Sabé will kill him if he tries anything. One always hopes.

Went to fourteenth-floor veranda to watch sunrise, only to see absolutely ridiculous number of battle droids headed this way. Off to palace beauty parlour. Queen has to look her best for showdown with droid captain, after all.

Well, would you look at that hot young Jedi Padawan checking Sabé out. Please, not another one. Can only handle one pervy queen-fancier at a time. On other hand, Sabé not exactly ignoring him, either. Grumpy old Jedi had to stand between them while Panaka was pissing and moaning about too many battle droids. Doesn't know how v. lucky he is to have us and Lt. Klarié with him.

Speaking of Klarié, he sneaked along. Yippee! Off to Coruscant. Poor Saché and Yané. Will probably have long since killed each other by the time we return.

V. hot on Tatooine. Damn Neimoidians wrecked the air conditioner as well as the hyperdrive. Eirtaé will start pissing and moaning any minute now. Meanwhile, Sabé is so into hot young Padawan. Would not be surprised if she lets him in on it. Can't complain about having two sunrises to watch, though.

Sooooooooooooo bored. Stupid Queen, stupid Jedi, stupid Gungan. All out on the town together doing Force knows what while we're sitting in here watching depressing holonet news. Hope idiot Gungan gets swept away in sandstorm.

Sabé won't let me try on Queen regalia even for a couple of hours. Eirtaé was (ahem) nice enough to explain it: "Face paint will do its thing, but the Queen's ears don't stick out too far and her lips don't pick up hypercomm signals."

STILL bored. Will see if Klarié wants to take a little sun and sand (even though there's not much else around here). Maybe he'd let me do his hair?

All hopes of peace and quiet dashed when grumpy old Jedi came back, still toting Jar Jar and some suntanned rugrat. Well, at least I still have a deeper tan than him…wait, isn't that the same kid who won that pod-people thingie they were just ranting about on the holonet? Well, well, well. Talk about your pathetic lifeforms.

V. noisy on Coruscant. Suntan report: fading after two days cooped up in hyperspace. Dense layer of smog hanging over Galactic City isn't doing it much good either. Will somebody please let me throw Jar Jar out of the air taxi…

Must say am not too impressed with Palpy's tastes in furniture. His apartment has garish '70s look to it. Have advised Queen against paying visit as will be v. poor for her back. Eirtaé made snotty remark about styling Queen's hair into built-in lumbar cushion. She is so asking for it.

Finally became only handmaiden besides Sabé to have a speaking role in this crazy movie. Go me!

Queen gave me day off, probably to prevent me from throwing Eirtaé off hoverpad during Senate session. Unfortunately, Klarié still on guard duty at chambers. Off for city-wide mosey to try and restore suntan.

Really wish grumpy old Jedi would let me do something with his hair. Looks like he would fit right in with Palpy's décor. Off to Naboo to get some shears.

Home, sweet home. Cannot believe Queen wants us to fight alongside a thousand Jar Jars. Guess somebody has to be brave, Your Highness. Which reminds me, does Sabé have a death wish or something, going for that gaudy half-moon hairdo? So much for subtlety. Might as well have Eirtaé paint a v. big red target on her forehead.

Repeating to self, "Do not look bored, he is only an idiot Gungan. Do not look bored, he is only an idiot Gungan." Nonetheless do not want to visit Sacred Place, as don't want to remind Captain Tarpals of the time that I caught him thinking he was a big-mouthed bass.

*phew* Tarpals willing to bury the past. Quite the relief since I tend to lose my accent in stressful moments. Hot young Padawan at odds with grumpy old Jedi. Probably trying to lose the mullet. Hope Sabé doesn't try to intervene, as no question whose side she'll take.

Am a little concerned by the way the Queen pronounces "diversion." Just how many different versions of dying does she have in mind?

Blast our pacifism. Unfortunate lack of explosives to be had around here. Had to improvise by pilfering Eirtaé's hand cream and mixing it with hair gel and v. strong conditioner. Concoction flammable enough to blow up droid tank and let us into hangar. Go me.

Retook palace and found Saché and Yané pelting battle droids with watermelon seeds. The sillé side has claimed Saché. Force help us all. On upside, didn't lose my accent even when Sith Lord showed up. Yay!

Hot young Padawan killed Sith Lord. Absolutely no reasoning with Sabé. Suntan report: finally back to normal.

All done sniping at Gunray, Your Highness? Geez. Well, can't blame her for holding a grudge. After all, Gunray used up all my Pantene Pro-V trying to clean up the falumpasets.

Queen gave me easy hair job today. V. glad since had to save energy for wearing huge, hot, heavy green robe at Gungan Peace Parade. Ick. Wish it was my place to say something to Queen about where she planted Sabé. In perfect place where she can stare right at Obi-Wan's…er…mullet. Sure hope she doesn't have to decoy again any time soon.