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Marriage, God and Grandma's Love
(Letter to a Grandson and his bride to be on the eve of their marriage. Published with their permission.)
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Wedding August 1952
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December 2003 - Fifty One + Years Later
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5 October 2005
Steven and Becky:
I am writing this to you on the eve of your very special day. There are so many things that I would like to talk to you about but I will try to keep this shorter than I want to but probably longer that it should be. The two of you are now about to embark on what Grandma and I would hope to be a wonderful life long adventure together. We would also hope that Otober 8, 2005 proves to be the most important day of your life.
When Grandma and I were married over 53 years ago, I am sure that neither of us really imagined what a grand life we would have together. We were both only 24 years of age. I had just been discharged from the U. S. Army where I had served for four years. We had our first date in the late spring (May) of 1951 and were married in August of 1952. The Tennessee Waltz was a song popular at that time. It became our song. Now whenever I hear the Tennessee Waltz played, I get all dewy eyed. Our first home was in Chisholm, then Duluth and finally in Fridley. Because of my Forensic activities we were able to travel all over the United States and many times to Europe. Our favorite City was London where we established a friendship with an English couple and literally watched their two children grow up over the years and over a period of 8 visits to their home. Grandma loved to dance. We were able to waltz the night away in such exotic and far away places as Moscow and Leningrad.
I would doubt that I could ever have visualized or imagined the impact that Grandma would have on my life from that day in 1952. I would never have guessed that Grandma would so capture my heart that no matter where I am at, she is the first thing on my mind every morning and the last thing every night. She is both the love and the light of my life. Now that Grandma has left to live at the Wellstead, I no longer consider my house to be a home now that the heart of the home is gone.
I think it is clear that both of you have an essential kind and compassionate heart. I was impressed and very proud of your performance at The Wellstead that Sunday that both of you came out to visit Grandma. I remember how you both helped with serving the coffee and cookies after the Church Service. How you helped some residents get seated and how you made a point of finding out and using their names. It almost seemed like you were working as a team. Steven's many gifts of kindness in the terrible early months of this year will also never be forgotten.
I would think that your year plus engagement should serve both of you well in that you both have now had adequate opportunity to really know each other. Whatever faults you each have, the other should by this time be aware of them and hopefully be ready to overlook them.
Like I have said before, I honestly cannot recall any faults that Grandma may have had but unfortunately I had and have a number of them. Grandma chose to overlook my faults and loved me all the same. I have heard that there are angels among us. At one time I suspected that perhaps I had married one but I also assume that angels would not become the victims of Alzheimer’s.
I am sure that every couple will at some time have some disagreements, or arguments. If you were to ask Grandma if we had such arguments or disagreements she would always tell you, "No, we did not." I have heard her answer that question many times over the years and she has always said "No" to whoever posed the question. She has said to me many times – “We really get along good don’t we Stan?” While there have been very few such incidents over the years, unfortunately there have been some. I know that they have always been my fault. While I know that truly in Grandma’s mind there were none, I am sure that Grandma just forgave me and thereafter blotted them from her mind and wiped the slate clean.
Speaking from my own experience, most such situations result from little things that have no real importance or meaning but are the result or foolish pride and stubbornness. I would define “Foolish Pride” as that inner voice that tells us how wonderful we are and that no one should dare to mess up that image.”
I recall one time many years ago that I was upset over something that was of such little real importance that a short time later I could not even remember what it was. But I did remember that my childish attitude was very hurtful to Grandma. I remember her sitting down by me, placing her hand on my arm and looking into my face with such sad eyes. It is just one of the snapshots of my life that makes up my personal memory bank. It is said that the Holy Spirit resides in our bodies. Perhaps our conscience is the Holy Spirit at work and that such snapshots of memory come back to remind us to never do it again. Oh how I have wished that I could go back and relive that day and others in my history, do it over and do it right. Of course as we all know such things are not possible.
Our life’s memory bank is not a movie or a video. Our life’s memories are all made up of a collection of thousands of snapshots made throughout our lifetime. Some of them are happy ones, some are sad ones, some are ones we are proud of and some are ones we are ashamed of. Many of them we treasure and enjoy reliving. I am sure that Grandma would join with me in wishing that all of your marriage memory snapshots are happy ones that you will always treasure.
I am sure that you both know by this time whether you really are in love. I hope that you will each tell the other that you love him or her on a frequent basis. This is something Grandma and I did and still do regularly and frequently. We have silly happy little things we would say to each other.
Most of the sayings Grandma taught me. One that she always said to me and to our children was “I love you little and I love you big, I love you like a little pig.” We also had another silly little saying that went – “I love you a bushel and a peck and a hug around the neck and I love you all to heck.” In the later years I would try to assure Grandma that I would love her forever by telling her –
“I will love you until China Meets Africa.
I will love you until the Salmon sing in the Streets.
I will love you until the Oceans are folded and hung up to dry.
I will love you until the Seven Stars go Quacking like Geese about the sky”.
Grandma would laugh and ask me to write it down which of course I would do. Now as Grandma has slipped more deeply into Alzheimer’s, it always seems new to her each time I repeat it.
In addition, I would also hope that you will tell each other just how important the other one is in your life. I always wonder how often it was that I really told Grandma how important she was and is to me. Of course I tell her often now but I regret that I really don’t know if I told her often enough in the younger years. You two can avoid that question or mistake.
I know you plan to have some children. I remember Pastor Glesne one of our Redeemer Lutheran Pastors saying in a sermon -“The Greatest Gift a Father can give to his children is to love and respect their Mother.” I remember thinking – Wow that is an easy one. Unfortunately to many it is apparently not that easy or that simple.
I am far from an expert on the Bible but there is wisdom for husbands and wives in the Book of Ephesians chapter 5. Much is said about the husband and wife relationships. A very heavy responsibility is placed on the husband. I would like to quote a passage from the King James Version.
“Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it"
This passage has been interpreted in various ways but it clearly says that the husband should stand by his wife even if it means his death would result from his thus protecting her. The Bible takes a very serious view of husband and wife love. I have always hoped that I could respond without hesitation in a like manner if called upon to do so. That is not the kind of love that is here today and gone tomorrow.
Our family has not had a good overall track record of marriages. I hope that you two will improve that record and in doing so, have a wonderful lifetime of mutual peace, love and adventure.
I know that Grandma in her heart joins with me in wishing both of you the very best as you embark on this great mutual journey of love.
Grandpa Berg
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