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The Story Behind "One Breath" and "Heaven"
I have written poetry, manuscripts, etc. since I was in high school. It has always given me an outlet for my feelings especially during all of the adolescent turmoil and angst.
Even well into adulthood, I continued my writing. Upon my Mother's death I found I could no longer write. I couldn't put words on paper. Streaming thoughts that had always flowed like water had evaporated, or so I thought.
I was so angry after my Mother died. About a week after the funeral, my brother asked me how I was doing. I told him that I was angry. He hadn't reached that stage of grief yet so he didn't understand. I told him I was angry at Mom for leaving me, angry at God for taking her, and angry at myself for being powerless to stop Him. I knew it was illogical as I said it, but I also knew it was a stage of grief.
I tried desperately to use my creativity as an outlet for my grief. It appeared He had taken that from me, too. Unable to vent in my normal tried-and-true method, I became very depressed. My 30th birthday passed without my Mother and Christmas was just around the bend. I became clinically depressed and was having suicidal thoughts. It seemed to me that The Lord I had trusted for 16 years had forsaken me. I went to my doctor and told him I wanted to die. He began treating me for depression. Being on a mild anti-depressant, I made it through the Holidays and into the next year.
Mother had been gone just over a year. I hadn't really spoken to God in almost 7 months and the last words I had said were angry ones. One night in June I couldn't get to sleep. He kept sending thoughts through my head. I recognized the streaming flow of creativity, but I was very tired and had to work the next day. I told The Lord that I would write it in the morning, but He just wouldn't stop the flow. So there I sat at 3 a.m. at the kitchen table with the notebook I hadn't touched in a year. The words came out like a dam had burst. In just 20 minutes, I had produced two of the best poems I have ever written.
He hadn't robbed me of creativity, my anger and grief had shut the valve from which it flowed. I felt better than I had in a long time. I asked my doctor to take me off the anti-depressant. He asked why. I told him that The Lord was going to be my anti-depressant. The last 4 1/2 years have been a long, hard journey. The anger creeps in occassionally, but mostly I just miss my Mommy. I still cry some, maybe more than warranted. I have used my creativity in a new outlet. I have a webpage that is dedicated to my Mother. It is a vehicle to share my walk with the Lord with whomever chooses to visit. Usually it contains family news, pictures, and an original composition by me. I am also currently writing a book, though it isn't as lofty---it's a fictional romance. I am so happy He healed me enough to get back my flow.
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Kimberly C. Lester
December 2, 2001
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To read these Two Poems click here
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