Mangled Language

Mangled Language

Mangled Language... A Vague Collection

language.html

Protect your site!

SGGAF Luncheon Pictures New pages are added monthly!!!
LadyZ's Home Page LadyZ's Art, First Page Lady Z's Art, Second Page LadyZ's Art, Third Page LadyZ's Art, Fourth Page LadyZ's Art - You Can Do It Diamond Shoes Diamond Shoes Award I Am A Quaker Very Special Places Mangled Language Artworks by Rafael Maniago Awards & Credits Memberships Fabulous Links & Famous Friends Web Rings LadyZinnia's Easter Story
Bellflower High School Alumni Association
Mesa AZ Valentine Luncheon 2001 and Fritzie's Birthday
A Memorial and Tribute to Ezee Two

The music on this page is "Miss Clare Remembers," by Enya Click Here to Hear

Ginger & Spice - Oil Painting
Ginger and Spice, 16x20, Oil

You may find this page of interest if you are a writer or author, a teacher, a parent, grandparent, a senior citizen, or just anyone from the general public. I am making this page because I love language, writing, teaching, kids, ESL, humor, chatting, observing, and all sorts of other things.

One night, someone said something funny in chat (without meaning to) and I got to thinking..... about all the ways that our language is used, abused, and confused, misunderstood and misconstrued, twisted, turned, and typo-ed, particularly in this new world of online communication.

There's a lot more to it than that... there are all the ways that children (and adults) mis-hear or misunderstand...there are all the ways that new speakers of English get bumfuzzled at the vagaries of this language, particularly when we who already speak it tend to slur and mispronounce... there are the strange and often funny typos that occur in every type of written communication... there are even write-o-graphical errors that people make when writing longhand in a hurry. I'm sure there will be more categories as I progress with this non-essential compendium.

It is my intention to continue my collection until I have enough material to publish hard copy... and to continue after that until I have enough MORE for Volume 2...

If you'd like to see your name in print, please feel free to submit anything you like. And do let me know how you would like to be credited. Screen name? Real name? Both? Anonymous? City and State? Just state? Submitting constitutes permission to use your material here and/or on my other web pages and in the published book. And by submitting, you certify that your submission is your own, original material, except as otherwise noted.

Please leave submissions in my guestbook or a note for me to email you.

JES' CHATTIN' AWAY...
(The Flying Fingers Firkytootl Furiously)

My thinking about chat is that this is communication, not English class...and that no one should be embarrassed by their typing, spelling, punctuation, etc. If we all have to be perfect, then no one will be chatting at all! Still, I do find some of the typos and other errors mighty entertaining.

My best one thus far was when someone asked me if I had "met" a lady whose screen name is Donut. Typing like a bat out of hell and not checking before sending (as usual), I shot back, "Yes, Donut and I are old fiends!"

And how about PurpleGram's now-immortal typo... when she thoroughly intended to say that there were a lot of d u c k s in Ft. Lauderdale...?

**********

From Glorious... Apparently you never heard the tale of my visit to a book store trying to find a book that would help me to learn about the inner workings of a computer.

The Title of the book was HARD DISK MANAGEMENT.

You may use your imagination to figure out what I actually asked for that made my face red...and the face of the young man who was waiting on me.

**********

Sometimes in chat, one sees two or more lines from separate conversations that look really funny when juxtaposed. For instance, one night in a senior chat room, the following two lines appeared. They are particularly funny when you consider that everyone in the room was a senior citizen. At the time, Gobos was teasing MargieLyn about starting a rumor to make things interesting and Margie and R4Cats were discussing their writings.....

GOBOS: OH MY Gosh Margie is pregnant You didn't tell me LOL

R4CATS: Margie good girl.. I have one coming out next month

**********

Annafair tells one on GordonM874....

Our own singing Gordon made a great typo once when he was "singing" Red Sails in the Sunset in SeniorNet chat. There is a line that goes, "Head straight for the shore..." only he typed a W instead of an S .....

**********

This doozie was contributed by PatETX...

While in chat discussing places to have a dinner in San Antonio on the River Walk, LeeM came up with a fun place called Dick's Last Resort. When someone in the chat room asked where the dinner would be, I replied, "We are looking at Dick's on the river walk." I promise it was unintentional.

(Ed. Note: all production here promptly ceased when I read THAT contribution!!!!!)

**********

This one was contributed by Anonymous...it may be efficient, but it's kinda hard on the crockery...

A typo from chat... "... I used to wash dishes by hand, but since I've been on this computer, I put them in the dishmasher..."

GAINING SOMETHING
IN THE TRANSLATION

Let's have it understood right off that I have nothing but respect for anyone trying to learn our language. It's one of the most DIFFICULT languages to learn, even for native speakers, and the spelling of it is a nightmare. I also notice that there are more of THEM trying to learn OUR language than there are of US trying to learn THEIRS. So I want it firmly understood that I'm in no way putting them down with this... it's more on the order of making fun of our tricky language than of the people trying to speak it. And they sure seem to enjoy MY mistakes in THEIR languages...

Some years ago, I was translating school lessons and teaching the rudiments of English for some elementary-grade Mexican children at our little one-room school in the Sierras. They were the children of seasonal loggers and they were the most enthusiastic, joyful learners I have ever encountered. I also learned from them.

One day, one of the boys asked if it was time for lunch. Noticing that he was wearing a watch, and not noticing that it was non-operational, I asked him what time it was. He said that his reloj (ray-LOW) did not work. I said, "watch." He looked puzzled and I pointed to his reloj and said it again, "watch." He brightened, and with complete understanding, said, "Si! Si! Watch your name?"

**********

On another occasion, a boy who had been absent returned to school and I asked if he had been sick. He told me, "Si, señora, I was very seek. I was throwing out and throwing out all the night!"

**********

The Pilipino people like nothing better than a joke on themselves. Also, most of them also write it as Pilipino - the f sound is not theirs. My art friend, Rafael, is a constant source of giggles as he learns our language. The sad part is that he rarely makes the same mistake twice on the same word, so we usually only get one good laugh per error. Another sound not present in their language is the "th" sound, which usually turns into "t" or "ts." So a word like "earth," for instance, might be pronounced "eart" or "earts." One day, Rafael was talking about the colors he uses when painting portraits. He explained that he uses white with a bit of yellow ochre and a touch of French ultramarine blue to paint the whites of the eyes. We all had about a five-minute laugh when he went on to explain, "I use those same colors to paint the teets."

**********

And then there are OUR errors in THEIR language... which are often beyond funny and over into completely embarrassing.....

Like the time my daughter was trying to find a cotton blouse.. she asked for a blouse made of abogado (lawyer) rather than algodon (cotton). Don't worry, she didn't get one. I think it's probably illegal to import lawyers, anyway.

**********

Another time, she was trying to show off her Spanish when in a restaurant with a new beau. She asked for an enchilada sin arboles (ARE-bow-lace). Sure enough, when it arrived, there were no trees! But there were the things she was trying to avoid - cebollas (say-BOY-yuhz) - also known as onions!

**********

This one will only be funny to those who understand Spanish, because I'm not about to translate it. Imagine the consternation (followed by general hilarity and near pandemonium) of the waiters in a certain restaurant in San Felipe when a lady friend asked to be served huevos de rancheros rather than the correct and infinitely more polite huevos rancheros.

**********

From Galen Beery (DGBeery) of LaVerne, CA...

As an interpreter, my most amusing encounters are with Lao who use an English word now and then. For example: A girl told me in Lao: She's a very stinky person." (Stinky in Lao = minh) I ask "minh"? "Oh, no" she blushed, and said in English: "She very mean."

**********

From Conrad Geller (SignPoet) of Mount Kisco NY...

In the 1950's I saw this sign outside a restaurant in Tokyo: "Air conditioned -- freezing inside!"

**********

More great examples, contributed by FrenchAmor...

For nine years, I worked with a lovely lady named Maria Novoa-Sanchez. She was and is a very gracious and kind person - who sometimes puts a cute twist on common expressions. When I asked her one day why she was taking so much time with the Yellow pages, she replied, "My fingers were walking through them and they treeped!"

She also added that little Hispanic twist to our supervisor's first name, Quinn. Her version was Queen. One day, after hearing this mis-pronunciation one time too many, this very macho male replied, "Maria, I may be many things, but I definitely am not a QUEEN!"

**********
A couple of cute Filipino contributions.....

Asked to use the word "persuading" in a sentence, a Filipino friend said, "My wipe and I were married on dees date las' year. So today is our persuading anniversary."

Another Filipino friend was being ticketed in San Francisco for illegal parking. He was very upset and said to the policeman, "Why you give me packing ticket? I only packed here por payb p____ing minutes!"

**********

Another Maria-ism from FrenchAmor

While talking about an airplane trip she had taken, during which very turbulent weather was encountered, Maria mentioned that for the very first time she had to use the "air suitcase" - took me a couple of minutes to realize she was talking about the "barf bag."

**********

KIDDY COMMUNIQUES

These are the ones about "José can you see." and "Howard be thy name," and all the times we think we're saying one thing... but they understand it from a different frame of reference... fresh, new, and generally FUNNY.

From Lilith77

Lady Z.....this is just ONE of my many language errors (I have a lifetime of 'em).

When I was in the 9th grade, I was in my first large school (I'd previously lived in a logging camp). During the holiday season, we were singing in class. The song was Walking in a Winter Wonderland. I am always enthusiastic, so I was singing my heart out, like this, "Later on we'll perspire, as we sit by the fire..."

Naturally, everyone in the class started laughing and I didn't even know why. It made sense to me. Doesn't it make sense to you? Besides, I'd never heard the word "conspire." So there you go.......Lilith77

**********

From LadyZinnia

When my two of my daughters, Izzi and Kato, were 6 and 10, respectively, my beau was a vice-president of a major corporation. This man was very wealthy, had a private jet and stuff like that, and my children were in awe of their jet-setting mom. I finally decided to have him over for dinner to meet my children. In the middle of dinner, Kato asked him, "How much money do you have?" In shock, and embarrassed out of my mind, I exclaimed, "Kato! That's a personal question!" She gave me a look and patiently explained, "No, mom, a personal question would be, 'What kind of underwear do you have on?'"

My friend and I burst out laughing whereupon, not to be outdone, Izzi said, "Mommy, I made up a joke!" Happy to change the subject, I asked her to tell us...she said, "Why did the squirrel climb the tree?" I bit... I said, "Why?" and she replied, "To stop the squirrel from picking his nuts."

**********

More from LadyZinnia

A local child recently saved her little friend's life in a choking incident. The heroine, a 7-year-old, explained it this way... "We were walking back to our class and Brandice - she's my best friend - she got choked by her barrette. She said like this, 'Desireé, I'm choking' "(grabs her throat and mimics a low, raspy voice). "At first, I thought she was playing. Then I saw her face was red and her nose was really, really, REALLY red. And I couldn't hear her nose breathing. So I got behind her and squeezed her stomach real hard like a Harmlick Remover and she barfed it up."

LadyZinnia AGAIN

When my youngest daughter was about 5 years old, she stayed up rather late one night. When I noticed the late hour, I said to her, "Why aren't you in bed? It's after 10:00!" She sat down on the couch and proceed to sob nearly uncontrollably, way out of proportion to what I had said, I thought. When I asked what was wrong, she said, "Now I can't go to bed!" I asked her why, she replied, "Because you told me that 10:00 is TOO LATE for little girls to go to bed."

**********

Contributed by Annafair....

When my first-born was young (she refuses to be called the oldest) and was learning the Lord's Prayer, I was asked to listen to her recite it at bedtime. She did fairly well but it did have a modern ring to it when she said, "Our Father who art in Heaven, Hollywood be thy name..........."

**********

PatETX recalls....

My third grandchild was named Michael Wade. His three-year-old sister heard it as "microwave," and that's what we called him for several years.

This same granddaughter, at age 6, said that smartivity was the opposite of stupidity.

And little Microwave, at age 3, when I was pushing him backward on a skate board, said, "Now push me forthward."

My Baptist grandchildren lustily sing "Bringing In The Sheaves" as "Bringing In The Sheeps."

**********

This entertaining story was contributed by ConnieAct. Connie doesn't know the name of the author but I would appreciate having it if anyone knows...

A child's view of RETIREMENT:

After a Christmas break, a teacher asked her young pupils how they spent their holidays. One small boy wrote the following:

We always used to spend Christmas with Grandpa and Grandma. They used to live here in a big brick home, but Grandpa got retarded and they moved to Florida. Now they live in a place with a lot of other retarded people. They ride on big three-wheeler tricycles and they all wear name tags because they don't know who they are.

They go to a big building called a wrecked hall -- but if it was wrecked, they got it fixed, because it's all right now. They play games and do exercises there, but they don't do them very good. There is a swimming pool there. They go into it and just stand there with their hats on. I guess they don't know how to swim.

As you go into their park, there is a dollhouse with a little man sitting in it. He watches all day so they can't get out without him seeing them. Then they can sneak out they go to the beach and pick up shells they think are dollars. My Grandma used to bake cookies and stuff, but I guess she forgot how. Nobody cooks, they just eat out. They eat the same thing every night -- Early Birds. Some of the people are so retarded that they don't know how to cook at all, so my Grandma and Grandpa bring food into the wrecked hall and they call it "potluck."

My Grandma says Grandpa worked all his life and earned his retardment. I wish they would move back up here, but I guess the little man in the dollhouse won't let them out.

**********

Two more great ones from PatETX...

I read this in Readers Digest about 40 years ago, and I thought it was so funny it has stuck in my head all these years...

A little blonde girl was on the playground, swinging as high as she could, loudly singing her version of "Put On Your Old Gray Bonnet":

Petunia roll gray bonnet,
Widow blue rip and darn it,
And we'll each hold dobbin to the sleigh.
Trudy fields of clover,
Weevil rod to Dover,
On our golden wetting day.

Pat allows as how this is a true story from her goofy family:

My uncle was the song leader at church, and he was at home trying to select songs for the upcoming Sunday service. His 6-year-old son said, "Daddy, why don't we sing the song about the dumb brother.?" My uncle said, "Jesse, I don't think I know that one." Jesse said, "Yes you do! You know, the one that goes (starts singing), 'Are you sowing the seeds of the kingdom, brother, in the morning...' "

**********

From Beth Rogers comes a reminder that kids not only SAY the darndest things, they also SEE the darndest things...and misinterpret them...

We were driving down the road the other day and my four-year-old, Ian, screamed out..."Mommy, Daddy, look!....It's a potty license plate!!" We said, "Huh?" It was a license plate with the handicapped symbol on it. He's seen it many times on the door to the restroom and immediately recognized it on the license plate. And knew what it meant. LOL!

**********

MISSING AND MANGLED PUNCTUATION

Lordy, I wish I could remember some of these off the top of my head!!! While I'm cogitating, I'll just put in something funny here that I found online several months ago..... This was contributed in one of the SeniorNet forums by Grade A 1 and I hope I'm not infringing on anyone's copyright. If so, please send email immediately! This demonstrates the importance of punctuation... and how it can affect the meaning of something.

Dear John,

I want a man who knows what love is all about. You are generous, kind, thoughtful. People who are not like you admit to being useless and inferior. You have ruined me for other men. I yearn for you. I have no feelings whatsoever when we're apart. I can be forever happy - will you let me be yours? Gloria

And now the OTHER punctuation..

Dear John,

I want a man who knows what love is. All about you are generous, kind, thoughtful people who are not like you. Admit to being useless and inferior. You have ruined me. For other men I yearn, For you I have no feelings whatsoever. When we're apart, I can be forever happy - will you let me be ? Yours, Gloria

PARDON THE EXPRESSION...

My mother was a tormented woman...mostly by my brother and I when we were teenagers.... she was easy to fluster and could utter some amazing statements when we had bumfuzzled her into utter confusion...

For instance, we were having a conversation about a young man I was dating. She was rather impressed by his family's wealth and station in life. I wasn't...I'm shallow...and I said to her, "But, Mama, he's so UGLY!" Her response to this was, "He's not as ugly as he looks." My brother and I burst out laughing and she got irritated and stormed from the room, but not before reminding us that, "You can't tell a book by it's contents!"

THE SCHOOL OF CONFUSION...

Student (and teacher) boo-boos contributed from some of the world's finest people... educators...

**********

Some marvelous material contributed by Conrad Geller (SignPoet) of Mount Kisco NY...

During a long teaching career, I collected boners from exams -- not grammatical errors but confusion, caused by stress, about word usage. Here are a few of them:

Almost always the person's fate is fatal and ends up with a death.

Often when people are homeless, they give birth to homeless children and the cycle goes on.

Cassius is the person who first thinks about murdering Caesar. Cassius then forms a group called The Conspirators. (Ed. Note: Cassius and The Conspirators, appearing nightly for your listening pleasure???)

**********

COMING TO TERMS WITH FAMILY...

This section includes those expressions that creep into common usage among families and groups of friends..... These even develop among deaf families, sign language expressions and words that are peculiar to individual families.. Mine is a laughing, often irreverent family - we all love making others laugh. I'll begin with some of our more polite ones...

CBreaux contributed this one.... and I think I'm gonna incorporate it into my everyday speech...

My mentally-retarded daughter has a wonderful way with words. One of my favorites is her way of describing any monumental goof-up as a "disastrophe."

**********

Lady Zinnia.....

The contribution from CBreaux reminded of one we often use to describe a reaction to a disastrophe... we have a catastrastroke..... not original; think we picked up that one from Cactus Jack Shanty Irish Okie Riley.....

**********

When we're getting ready to go out, we "goop up" and put on "foo foo goo" and "foo foo water."

When someone is crying or sniffling, we call it "boobing" or "boobin'." That means being a boob. From there come expressions like, "No boobin'!" which is the equivalent of "don't cry" and "I'm boobin'," meaning "I'm crying." I often bumfuzzle people when I say, "Now I'm boobin' out."

Oh, what the heck, here's a couple of rude ones...

"Max uggles" refers to something (or someone) we consider unattractive.

"Doin' the pp dance" (whispered urgently when in public but said aloud in private) means we are in dire need of the facilities... This is often shortened to just "Doin' the dance..."

Carpal Tunnel Site of the Week

Cool award courtesy of The Corporation: Workin' you like the replace... and don't fail to miss The Corporation: Carpal Tunnel Workshop. Dr. I. N. Flict will help you....... yah....right..... hee hee hee hee hee (snort)

Next Page
Artworks by Rafael Maniago
Return to Home Page
LadyZinnia's Home Page
Or use your browser's "BACK" button
to return to previous page

(Page added 08-30-97)