Cynic's Corner

And we thought Grantaire was cynical! A collection of comments that even R would be proud of...

Adolescents: People who never seem to realise that one day they will be as dumb as their parents.

Alcohol: A liquid effective for preserving everything - except secrets.

Alcoholic: Someone who suffers from bottle fatigue

Anyone you don't like who drinks more than you do.

Antique: Something that has been useless for so long, it's still in pretty good condition.

Artistic Temperament: A disease that afflicts amateurs.

Bachelor: A man who knows that marriage is a device of society designed to make trouble between two people who would otherwise get along very well.

Barrister: A word in the dictionary that comes between bankrupt and bastard.

Belgium: A country invented by the British to annoy the French.

Books: Things printed by people who don't understand them, sold by people who don't understand them, read and reviewed by people who don't understand them, and even written by people who don't understand them.

Bore: A fellow who can change the subject back to his topic of conversation faster than you can change it back to yours.

A man who, when you ask him how he is, tells you.

Boredom: A vital consideration for the moralist, since at least half the sins of mankind are caused by the fear of it.

Botany: The art of insulting flowers in Latin and Greek.

Brain: Something that starts working the moment you're born and doesn't stop until you stand up to speak in public.

Brass Bands: Things which are all very well in their place - Outdoors and several miles away.

Budget: A mathematical confirmation of your worst suspicions.

Capital Punishment: Killing people who kill people to prove that killing people is wrong.

Certainty: Being mistaken at the top of one's voice.

Chivalry: A man's inclination to protect a woman from every man but himself.

Classical Music: What we keep hoping will turn into a tune.

Confession: The acknowledgement made to a priest of a sinful act committed by a friend, neighbour or acquaintance, and to which you reacted wth righteous indignation.

Democracy: A system of choosing your dictators, after they've told you what you think it is you want to hear.

The worst form of goverment - except for all the others.

Dignity: The only thing you can't preserve in alcohol.

Diplomacy: The patriotic art of lying for one's country.

Drama Critic: A person who surprises the playwrite by informing him what he really meant.

Drunkenness: A condition that doesn't so much create a vice as bring it into view.

A device people employ to avoid having to think of having anything to say.

Eccentric: A person too rich or too powerful to be called crazy.

Economy: Going without something you want in case you should one day want something else you probably won't.

Education: Learning what you didn't even know you didn't know.

Elephant: A mouse drawn to Government specifications.

Encourage: To confrm a fool in folly that is beginning to hurt him.

'Et Cetera' : The expression that makes people think you know know more than you do.

Faith: An illogical belief in the occurrence of the improbable.

Faults: What people discover they have after they get married.

Fools: Ninety-nine percent of the people in the world - and the rest of us are in great danger of contagion.

German: A language which was devised soley to afford the speaker the opportunity to spit at strangers under the guise of polite conversation.

Glutton: A person who takes the piece of pastry you wanted.

Good Taste: The worst vice ever invented.

Government: The only known vessel that leaks from the top.

Growing Old: Like being increasingly penalised for a crime you haven't committed.

Guests: People who, like fish, smell after three days.

Hamlet: A great play, but there are far too many quotations in it.

Hell: An English cook, a French engineer, a German policeman, a Swiss lover - and everything organised by the Italians.