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Spiritual Mission for Living
Coming Out to Strangers - Part I
        I don’t think a gay person ever stops “coming out.”  I know I am continuously coming out to people, and I have been pretty open about being a lesbian for almost 10 years now.  It’s always a challenge as I am constantly meeting and interacting with new people. Unless gossip has gone around that I am a lesbian, usually when I meet someone new they would not know about my sexual orientation (and vice versa).  At that point, I know I find myself trying to avoid being asked any questions about marriage, a husband or the boyfriend thing.
        I tend to find that if one is not wearing a “wedding” ring, then you usually have to deal with being labeled as a single person. This would be this way regardless if you were gay or straight.   If someone is really sly and curious when they meet you, they will try what I call the “Do you have any children trick” question (laughing).  Of course if you have a child or children, tht really throws them for a loop!  It’s unfortunate that our society places so much emphasis on relationships, and although they are nice, it is not a bad deal to be single either because you can have a lot of fun too!  And with the technology of the internet, it is so much nicer and easier to meet all different people (especially gays and lesbians for support)!
        In my case, my partner and I do have rings (not unusual in a committed relationship), and “the ring” is definitely an attention getter.  So then “the ring” is a symbol and a natural target to the opening line where someone will always end up asking me if I am married.  At that point I just handle it by smiling and saying “No, but I am committed.” Usually that gets a few raised eyebrows, an “Oh”, and a somewhat sort of smile.  The subject is usually then immediately changed!  I assume at that point the person is very curious as to what I meant but is tactful enough not to continue questioning me until they know me better!  This is usually good enough for me too since I am not that comfortable with this approach in the “coming out” process either (but heck, I didn’t ask the question)!  By the way, at this point in my life, I usually invite my friends and family to spread the word because in actuality, it makes it that much easier to meet people because... well, you know... then they know... and then you know...and so everyone knows, and so.... the “secret” (which is about you) is out!  (Whew, I am glad that is cleared up!)
        Now when I say I am open about who I am, what I really mean is that I try as hard as possible to just to be myself.  I am not the type of lesbian to stand on a soap box or wear my heart out on my sleeve.  I don’t dress all wild or where shirts indicating there is a “Dyke In the House!”  No, that is not my style... but for those who can do it for the shock value or are that comfortable with yourselves then good for you and you go people go!  Be yourself no matter what!  Now I am not that prude that I didn’t USED TO do the shock value thing.  I was pretty wild in my earlier years and pretty much into shock value (although at that point I was not an open lesbian and was just nearing terms and dealing with my sexuality).  I don’t know why we do the shock value thing, but I guess we are just shouting out to people that this is me, if you like me as is, then you like me for who I am.  I suppose over the years I have just mellowed out and now am just me but in a more quiet “visual” way.  I still advocate as much as I can for our gay rights, but just not so much with “shock value” as I am more of the behind the scenes (writer) type of person.  
        I DO believe in the rainbow flag stickers and stuff so I do have rainbow stickers on my car.  I DO think if you are comfortable enough to drive around with rainbow stickers and such this is good for all gay and gay-friendly people because it lets people know we are here and we are people and we are not going to disappear.  Again though, since I am the quiet type of person, I don’t have numerous stickers on my car because again, that would just be too much for my personality.  Basically you have to measure how much of yourself you want to reveal to strangers.  Do it slowly, do it quietly, and as you become more comfortable with yourself, you will do whatever it is that you feel is necessary for the good of the gay community.
        Eventually you may be very Loud and Proud when coming out, I would say just make sure you come out for the right reasons and you do it when you are comfortable with it.  Don't ever let anyone pressure you to come out if you are not ready.  I would also suggest to try and remember to be gentle with those who are homophobic or still uncomfortable with gay concepts.  Although we want to be “out and about”, we don’t want to be rude either.   If you have not read about my thoughts on EXTREME VIEWS, please feel free to read more!  Two wrongs don’t make a right.  However, if someone is doing you an injustice or your family, or simply discriminating against you, you have many options on how to take care of this wrong, but again, you may do it when you feel most comfortable.  I still strongly believe that what goes around comes around.
        I am open enough to have a picture of my partner on my desk at my day job and to be able to have an employer who is open to my sexual orientation.  I do not announce to everyone I meet that I am a lesbian or insist that my love attend every function with me.  If my partner is not invited to a function with me (although usually she is happy about this - laughing) I don’t go crazy and wonder why she wasn’t invited.  I know for some of you this may seem unjust since if we were “husband and wife” we would be invited as a couple - - BUT I feel that since we are NOT husband and wife, this is how I will deal with things until people are more comfortable or know who I am as a person.  At that point I can either accept the invitation where my partner was not invited, or politely decline it.  I am still in control and there is no harm done.
        Actually, when you think about it, being gay or a lesbian, you sometimes get double benefits that straight people don’t get.  After all, can a husband and wife go into a public restroom together at the same time (Laughing - You know women go to the bathroom in pairs anyway)!  Also, being lesbian, sometimes you and your partner get invited to baby showers or bridal showers together, or for the men, the bachelor parties and boys night out...so you get to be together (despite the “straightness” of the event!).  If you were husband and wife, only one usually gets invited to these functions!
        So there are many ways of coming out to strangers, we just have to remember that there is never one correct way, and there will definitely be very mixed reactions by different people.  Do what makes you feel comfortable and in your own time.  If you are into Spirit or God, pray a little and ask and think about how the other people may feel when you come out or the most acceptable way to go about just being you.  Think not only of yourself but about the other person and how they may react according to their personality or according to each situation you come across.  For example, if my partner and I have to meet someone new who does not know we are a couple, we basically just introduce ourselves and should the topic come up, we would mention we live together.  Nothing more, nothing less.  Another example is sometimes we may have someone come to our home to give us an estimate on something.  One of us makes the phone call, but we might leave both our names as the contact person.  
        Sometimes it’s hard not to be defensive about coming out and being angry if people do not react in a kind or acceptable fashion.  I think it’s natural to be sensitive as to how people react to our coming out.  If people react negatively or try to degrade us, it is only natural to be mad because after all, no one wants to be judged by another!   But try not to let your ego get in the way as it sometimes will hinder your growth and the last thing you want to be is an angry, miserable, defensive type of lesbian/gay person!  It’s not easy, but we can get there slowly, step by step!  Remember that God loves us all and all we have to do is reach out and He will guide us!  We are all here for one another and God speaks to us in all different ways and through all different types of people and situations.  If you are having a hard time coming out and really want to, but just don’t know how to do it, why not consider counseling first.  With the internet, I am sure you can find a gay-friendly counselor in your area and/or support groups.  There are definitely many support systems on the Internet as well as many many many options to take!!!  I can never say that enough because at one time I didn’t know this and felt so trapped and alone.  So always remember - YOU ARE NOT ALONE!    :)
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