|
|
|
||||||||
|
GOD IS GOD
Written by Steven Curtis Chapman
from "Declaration"
copyright 2001 Sparrow Song/Peach Hill Songs/ BMI
And the pain falls like a curtain
On the things I once called certain
And I have to say the words I fear the most
I just don't know
And the questions without answers
Come and paralyze the dancer
So I stand here on the stage afraid to move
Afraid to fall, oh, but fall I must
On this truth that my life has been formed from the dust
God is God and I am not
I can only see a part of the picture He's painting
God is God and I am man
So I'll never understand it all
For only God is God
And the sky begins to thunder
And I'm filled with awe and wonder
'Til the only burning question that remains
Is who am I
Can I form a single mountain
Take the stars in hand and count them
Can I even take a breath without God giving it to me
He is first and last before all that has been
Beyond all that will pass
Oh, how great are the riches of His wisdom and knowledge
How unsearchable for to Him and through Him and from
Him are all things
So let us worship before the throne
Of the One who is worthy of worship alone
|
||||||||||||||||||||||||
|
JOSHUA LAWRENCE MCMONAGLE
MARCH 21, 1995-MAY 3, 2000
|
||||||||||||||||||||||||
 |
||||||||||||||||||||||||
|
|
||||||||||||||||||||||||
|
|
||||||||||||||||||||||||
|
GUESTBOOK
|
||||||||||||||||||||||||
|
|
||||||||||||||||||||||||
|
More of Mom's Writing
|
||||||||||||||||||||||||
|
|
||||||||||||||||||||||||
|
|
||||||||||||||||||||||||
|
|
||||||||||||||||||||||||
|
December 31, 2003-Looking back is so much easier than looking forward. Although there are memories I don't want to see at least many of them contain my son and a time when my life .... one boy, one girl.... it was so good. This fall was hard to imagine. Gracie started Kindergarten this year, a milestone Joshua never reached. I walked her into school and felt so helpless. Lost in the realization that I should have a 3rd grader and I should be an old pro at this whole car pool and schedule juggling thing. Gracie is anxious to lose her first tooth and I should be an old pro at that too. So many things my little boy never got to do. And then she turned six. I couldn't catch my breath, and I still don't know how I survived that day in October. Seeing six candles on my beautiful little girl's cake... knowing that my son never had that chance. It all seems so surreal sometimes. How has this become my life? He died in the year 2000 and we are about to enter the 4th year that I will not be able to share with him, one that he will never draw a breath in. When I look ahead I see him not turning nine and the 4th anniversary of his death and a 5th Mother's Day and 4th of July and Halloween and Christmas without him. Yet despite it all I know that I am blessed. Grace still speaks of Joshua, although I know she barely remembers him. She was only 2 1/2 when he died. It's hard to believe it's been that long! Although I don't understand why I was chosen to walk this road, God has given me a content spirit. I know that I cannot hope to find the answers to any of my questions on this side of eternity. As I look into this new year I pray that my lips will continue speak my son's name despite the tears that fill my eyes. And I pray that when I tell my story I continue to find comfort in a God who sent His Son to die a horrific death for my sins.
June 16, 2003-Each day as I play in the yard with Gracie there is this quiet monument to the life I will never have. It's a harmless thing that sits in my yard, and it calls itself the swing set. These 2 swings side by side that I remember used to hold 2 children, and 2 giggles and 2 "push me higher mom"s. Today there is only one little voice calling me from those swings. And as if in reverence to a brother she barely had a chance to know, it always comes from the same swing. The other swing is hardly ever touched. Grass grows beneath it from lack of use, and the chains remain in the same place that they were 3 years ago. Grace's swing has been raised to suit the needs of an almost 6 year old who can pump herself and needs to be higher and higher so she can jump off with a happy "watch this mom!" .... To drive past my house you would think nothing of the well worn path beneath Grace's swing. Only a grieving mother looks upon this site and wishes for days that are long past; days that will never be again. I rejoice in the life that fills my house, and long for the life that once was. Each moment tarnished by a bittersweet reminder that "happy" can never be truly "happy".
May 3, 2003-Another "milestone" Joshua day. Three years ago today he took his last breath in Pediatric ICU at DeVos Children's Hospital, while doctors and nurses employed the best that medicine has to offer in an effor to save him. But his cancer ravaged body had other plans, our Heavenly Father called his brightest star home at 9:30, 3 years ago tonight. The last few months since honoring his birthday, I have relived the memories of April 15, when he was diagnosed, Easter when we knew he was not coming back to us,and now I look forward to the most painful of all "holidays" Mother's Day. If I could erase one day off the calendar it would be that one! But enough about me. Today, I look into the eyes of my beautiful 5 year old daughter. On our recent trip to Florida we were sitting on the airplane talking about how we were flying high above the clouds. She looked at me and said, "Mom, you know what would be so cool? If this plane could fly really high all the way to Joshua and then he could look in all the windows until he finds us, and then he'd come in. I'd let him sit in my seat - and do you think I would be too heavy if I sat on his lap, because he's 8 now. So, he probably couldn't pick me up because I am 5 and I'm so big, but I could sit on his lap, couldn't I?" ..... Wouldn't that be great?
March 21, 2003-It's my son's birthday today. His 8th birthday and we will be celebrating it without him. How could it be almost 3 years since he died? It seems like only yesterday his friends were gathered around this table while he blew out 5 candles.... a month and a half later he was dead. How strange life can be. In a completely unrelated story - we are at war. I'm not sure how this affects my feelings about this day. I know the president is doing the right thing and I pray that God continues to bless this nation. One child dying is too many, and I wish life were just that simple. I wish it was as black & white as some of these protesters like to think it is. They are against war. Well, I think we all are. Nobody wants war.... sometimes despite our best efforts, it happens. But politics is not what I am here to discuss. I am here missing my little boy. Cancer took him from me, but his memory warms my heart and lives on in my daughter. Gracie is excited about Josh's birthday. We usually make a cake (or something that we can stick a candle in - Gracie loves to blow out candles!) and then we send Josh a balloon. Blue, because as Gracie says, blue is for boys! Last week I ordered another of Josh's angel pins from Rosemary. When I did, I also ordered one that was made in honor of Jordyn. Gracie saw the pin and asked me about it, because it has Josh's birthstone on it. I explained to her that Jordyn was born in March, just like Josh, and that she was in Heaven with Josh. Well, Gracie didn't miss a beat. She said, "so she never got to see the pin because her mommy made it after she died." She continued to think about this and then told me that when we bought balloons for Josh we should buy another one for "that angel girl" and then we could tie the pin to it and when it was her birthday we could let the balloon go and it would take the pin up to heaven so that she could see it. Ah, if only life were that easy! I know a lot of people who would keep those hot air balloon operators very rich! So tomorrow Gracie will decide if we are going to make a cake or mini muffins, heck, knowing her she'll probably want to stop for donuts. She did end up with most of my genes after all!
|
||||||||||||||||||||||||
|
WHAT IS NORMAL NOW?
By Vicki Windham, NE Platte Chapter TCF
NORMAL is trying to decide what to take to the cemetery for Christmas, birthdays, Valentine's day and Easter.
NORMAL is feeling like you know how to act and are more comfortable with a funeral than a wedding or a birthday party. Yet, feeling a stab of pain in your heart when you smell the flowers, see the casket, and all the crying people.
NORMAL is feeling like you can't sit through another minute without screaming because you just don't like to sit through church anymore. And yet at the same time feeling like you have more faith in God than you ever had before.
NORMAL is having tears waiting behind every smile when you realize someone important is missing from all the important events in your families life.
NORMAL is not sleeping because a thousand "what ifs" go through your head constantly.
NORMAL is having the TV on the minute you walk into the house to have some "noise" because the silence is deafening.
NORMAL is telling the story of your child's death as if it were an everyday common event and then gasping in horror at how awful it sounds. And yet realizing it has become part of normal conversation.
NORMAL is each year coming up with the difficult task of how to honor your child's memory and their birthday and surviving those days. And trying to find a balloon or flag that fits the occasion, "Happy Birthday"? Not really!
NORMAL is a new friendship with another bereaved parent and meeting over coffee and talking and crying together over your children. And worrying together over the surviving children.
NORMAL is being too tired to care if you paid your bills, cleaned your house, did the laundry or if there is food in the house.
NORMAL is wondering this time whether you are going to say you have 2 or 3 children because you will never see this person again, and is it worth explaining that one of them has passed away. And yet, when you say 2 children to avoid the problem you feel horrible as if you have betrayed your child.
NORMAL is hiding all the things that have become "normal" for you to feel, so that everyone around you will think you are "NORMAL".
|
||||||||||||||||||||||||
|
WITH HOPE
Written by Steven Curtis Chapman
from "Speechless"
copyright 1999 Sparrow Song/Peach Hill Songs/ BMI
This is not at all how
We thought it was supposed to be
We had so many plans for you
We had so many dreams
And now you've gone away
And left us with the memories of your smile
And nothing we can say
And nothing we can do
Can take away the pain
The pain of lossing you, but
**We can cry with hope
We can say goodbye with hope
'Cause we know our goodbye is not the end, oh no
And we can grieve with hope
'Cause we believe with hope
(There's a place by God's grace)
There's a place where we'll see your face again
We'll see your face again**
And never have I known
Anything so hard to understand
And never have I questioned more
The wisdom of God's plan
But through the cloud of tears
I see the Father smile and say well done
And I imagine you
Where you wanted most to be
Seeing all your dreams come true
'Cause now you're home and now you're free and
**
We have this hope as an anchor
'Cause we believe that everything
God promised us is true, so
**
We wait with hope
And we ache with hope
We hold on with hope
We let go with hope
|
||||||||||||||||||||||||
| page created with Easy Designer |