Supporting People who Survived Sexual Abuse
For Their Friends¹

DISCLAIMER. Do not use the information on these pages as a substitute for evaluation and treatment by a Professional Health Care Provider. You are expected to read the full disclaimer, and further access to this site is under the condition that you agree to abide by its terms and conditions.

This information is written for the friends, spouses and loved ones of people who were sexually abused in childhood.

You are untrained and inexperienced with this issue. You may feel scared, confused or overwhelmed, and may be considering backing out of the friendship or other relationship. You may be avoiding the topic itself, and the emotions that it brings up for yourself, or you may be avoiding the emotions it brings up for your friend. Don't back off from your friend or from this subject. You may say the wrong thing, or cause some harm, but greater harm would be done by backing away from someone who has entrusted you with this secret. You are just as important to his or her healing as his or her therapist or support group because you see him or her every day. At the same time, be respectful of your own needs and do not allow him or her to make undue demands upon your time or support. If this becomes a problem speak with him or her openly about your limits and encourage him or her to draw on other resources.

Recovery from childhood sexual abuse is often a slow and painful process, full of many ups and downs. When a survivor is first remembering the abuse, if the memories were repressed in childhood he or she will often doubt the memories. They will often be vague at first. It is important that you believe the survivor, even if what you hear seems to "far out" or extreme. Survivors don't make up their memories. Why would anyone want to put themselves through this kind of pain? Do not bring up the latest show you saw on TV or book you read about false memories. It's beyond the scope of this handout to deal with the false memory debate with any completeness, but a few brief words on this subject are in order. The whole question of how and when false memories are created is very controversial. Individuals involved in this debate range from extremists who believe that there is no such thing as repressed memories or multiple personality disorder to true believers who think that it's perfectly okay to use dangerous techniques such as guided imagery or leading questions under hypnosis as tools to retrieve repressed memories. A great deal of money and effort has been poured into a media campaign to "educate" the public by an organization called the "False Memory Syndrome Foundation." This was founded by individuals who were accused by their children or others of sexually abusing them. It has also been joined by individuals with similar interests, such as the attorneys who defend them, and also truth-seekers on the subject. It would be misleading and inaccurate to label this organization as a "bunch of perps", however, it is definitely not an objective and unbiased group. The other side of the debate has historically had very little money or time to devote to obtaining media time and support: the survivors who have experienced the return of repressed memories and the therapists who work with them. And most lay people don't have the time, interest or training to know how to research and understand the most current scientific research on the debate. While false memories have been created by some people, this occurs far more rarely than the FMSF would have the public believe. Also, in the last five years much research has been done to test FMSF claims and many claims fail the test of research. For example, the use of anatomically detailed dolls has come under attack as placing ideas in children's heads, but research comparing children presumed to not be abused and children believed to have been abused has shown quite clearly that they do not.² Even the use of leading questions was resisted by children and did not always result in false reports.³ When a client is treated competently by a counselor trained in these issues it is unlikely that false memories will result. Other web pages deal with delayed memories and related issues.  Do be sure your friend or loved one is receiving care by a professional counselor.

Make sure that he or she knows that you are willing to listen to whatever he or she feels comfortable sharing, even though it is distressing to you too. Stand by him or her. Be careful not to minimize the effects the abuse has had on his or her life. All abuse is damaging whether physical contact is involved or not, whether it happened once or many times. There is always negative consequences to childhood sexual abuse. The experience is never positive for the child in any way. Always remember and remind the survivor that the abuse was not his or her fault. Even if he or she never protested the abuse, never went to others for help, or approached the abuser for attention and/or affection and was abused instead, it was not his or her fault. Adults always have the responsibility to protect the innocence of children.

Become informed about childhood sexual abuse. If you understand what he or she is going through it will help you feel more comfortable with how to respond and to appreciate what he or she is going through.

A survivor should never be burdened with an attitude that is sympathetic to the abuser. Even though the abuser may not be totally evil, the survivor needs to give responsibility for the abuse back to the abuser. Occasionally a survivor who is still struggling with holding the offender responsible for the abuse will make excuses for the abuser. Gently discourage this whenever possible. For most people the time for forgiving the abuser is after the survivor has worked through all his or her anger and grief and has resolved whether or not he or she wishes to confront the abuser with the wrongs done. The issues of confrontation and forgiveness are complex and controversial. Be careful to not impose your viewpoint on these issues upon the survivor.⁴

Encourage her to get support via other friends, especially of the same sex, and a therapist and/or support group. Some survivors become self-destructive or suicidal. If you believe he or she is self-destructive or suicidal get help immediately. After the crisis is over, be sure that he or she gets counseling and continues with it until the counselor determines that he or she no longer requires it.

As the survivor heals he or she will grow and change. This will affect your friendship with the survivor, sometimes quite a bit. Even though the survivor may still be allowing some people in his or her life to victimize him or her, remember that the survivor is a strong, courageous person that is still in the process of healing.

Respect the survivor's process. He or she has lived with the trauma for years and it will take time to heal. He or she may also need more privacy: time to journal and do other activities that will help him or her heal.

Encourage the survivor to express all his or her feelings about the abuse: fear, pain, anger, etc. These are all normal reactions to the trauma. Don't overwhelm the survivor with your feelings about the abuse, but do express those feelings to him or her. Show your compassion, talk about your outrage and pain about the abuse. This is very comforting. At the same time make sure your feelings don't overwhelm his or hers.

Always be moral and honorable in word and touch. If you are in a sexual relationship with the survivor, always respect his or her freedom to say "no" to sexual intimacy and never pressure him or her in any way for sexual intimacy. If you are his or her platonic friend of the opposite sex, use caution and judgment in touch, even for brief hand holding and hugs. The survivor may interpret your touch to mean more than you intend or in ways which you do not expect.

Whether you are same sex friends or not, it is important to respect his or her boundaries at all times. Touch should always be controlled by the survivor. If you are unsure of his or her limits, ask. A simple, 'May I give you a hug?' will mean wonders to her because it expresses your willingness to respect his or her limits. If he or she requests contact with you, and you are not comfortable that you will be able to without mixed messages then decline, but don't let him or her feel that he or she is wrong for wanting your comfort in that way.

It is very important that you graciously and immediately accept "no" when a survivor does not want to be touched or hugged. Do not ever pressure the survivor to let you touch him or her. In childhood the survivor did not have his or her wishes about touch respected. It is vitally important that you give the survivor the gift of that respect today. If you ask and the survivor says "yes" but in hearing the answer and watching his or her body language you sense the "yes" is a hesitant one, it can be very healing if you gently encourage him or her to say no by saying "It's okay if you don't want to."

Footnotes

¹ Most of this information has been adapted from The Courage to Heal, by Ellen Bass and Laura Davis, 1988.

² Everson, M. D., & Boat, B. W. (1990). Sexualized play among young children: Implications for the use of anatomical dolls in sexual abuse evaluation. Journal of the American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry, 29, 736-724 cited by Marcia Morgan, How to Interview Sexual Abuse Victims Including the Use of Anatomical Dolls, Thousand Oaks, California: Sage Publications, p. 69.

³ Saywitz, K. F., Goodman, G.S. Nicholas, E. & Moan, S. (1991). Children's memories of physical examinations involving genital touch: Implications for reports of child sexual abuse. Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology, 59, 682-691 cited by Marcia Morgan, How to Interview Sexual Abuse Victims Including the Use of Anatomical Dolls, Thousand Oaks, California: Sage Publications, p. 69.

⁴ Some very conservative Christian counselors make strong Biblical arguments that there are circumstances in which the survivor should not forgive the abuser in the sense of reconciling the relationship. They argue that to extend forgiveness without genuine remorse, repentance, and restitution is unbiblical and enables the sinner's sin. All Christian counselors are in agreement that vengeance must be turned over to God from the will. When the survivor is ready and has worked through his or her anger is the time to look at the issue of forgiveness from the heart. To attempt to do so earlier can sabotage the healing process and leave the survivor "stuck." Among other things, it is impossible to forgive an abuser of something that is not yet remembered or acknowledged as harm! It is important, however, that the survivor decide to turn over every intention to take any vengeful action to God as soon as possible. Holding on to the desire to take revenge him or her self can also leave a survivor "stuck."

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